Introduction with Brian and Rabbit
- Minnie: (waking up) Mickey, what's going on?
- Mickey: I'm preparing, Minnie. Remember Mr. Krabs will open a new Krusty Krab today and is inviting us to the grand opening. I honestly know he is just doing it for money as usual, but he wants us to listen his announcement about the new manager.
- Minnie: Okay, but it sounds too dumb. A second Krusty Krab would only be a money-making stupidity. I mainly say it as a lawyer. Besides, who will be this manager?
(SpongeBob appears of nowhere to answer)
- SpongeBob: Who's it gonna be, Minnie? Well, ask my wall of 374 consecutive employee-of-the-month awards.
(Cutaway shows SpongeBob's Employee of the Mouth awards)
- SpongeBob E.O.T.M Awards: SpongeBob SquarePants!
(Cuts back to Mickey and Minnie in worrisome faces)
- Mickey: Uh, SpongeBob. Why do you think you will be the new manager? (they notice SpongeBob is gone) What the f**k? (Mickey sees through the window, seeing SpongeBob running around in circles; facepalms and sighs gloomly) You yellow idiot.
- SpongeBob: I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion.
- Heathcliff: What about Z, boss?
- Plankton: Z?
- Heathcliff: Yes, you stupid green fool. The letter after Y! The ABC's final letter!
- Plankton: (searches through one of his Evil Plans cabinets) W, X, Y, Z. (grabs Plan Z) Plan Z! Here it is, just like you said.
- Heathcliff: Oh, boy. Here we go again. (he takes out his phone) I have to call Sonja, and tell her I'll be late for our tonight's date.
- Plankton: (looks at Plan Z) Oh! Oh! Ohhh! It's evil. It's diabolical. (sniffs it) It's lemon-scented. This Plan Z can't possibly fail! (goes outside) So enjoy today, Krabs. Because by tomorrow, I'll have the formula. Then everyone will eat at the Chum Bucket, and I will finally rule the world! All hail Plankton. All hail Plank...! (Goofy walks by and unknowingly squashes him) Ow!
- Mr. Krabs: Please welcome our new manager... Squidward Tentacles!
(a banner falls with Squidward's face on it)
- SpongeBob: Yes! Yeah! (dances around then he shakes Porky's hand) Oh, better luck next time, Porky. (cheers as he runs to the stage) Yeah! All right! (grabs the microphone) People of Animaltown, as the manager of...
- Mr. Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Hold the phone, folks, I'm getting an important news flash from Mr. Krabs. Go ahead, Mr. K. (Mr. Krabs whispers into his ear) I'm making a complete what of myself? (Mr. Krabs whispers again) The most embarrassing f**king s**t you've ever seen? (Mr. Krabs whispers a third time) And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone?
- Mr. Krabs: Oh, for f**k's sake, SpongeBob! You didn't get the damned job!
- SpongeBob: What?!
- Mr. Krabs: You... did not... get... the job.
- SpongeBob: But... But Mr. Krabs... why?
- Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a great fry cook, but I gave the job to Squidward because being manager is a big responsibility. Well, let's face it, he's more... mature than you.
- SpongeBob: I'm not... mature?
- Mr. Krabs: Lad, I mean this in the nicest of ways, but there's a word for what you are, and that word is... now, let's see...
- Heloise: (furiously; offscreen) Oh, please, Mr. Krabs! IT'S OBVIOUS! He's an annoying yellow idiot! That's the reason!
- Ignatz: (throwing a brick at Heloise; offscreen) Shut up, Heloise. You and Jimmy were searching your TV, don't you?
- Mr. Krabs: OK, that's enough! Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man. Otherwise they'd call it "kid-ager." You understand-ager? I mean, you understand?
- SpongeBob: I guess so, Mr. Krabs.
- Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
(SpongeBob walks away)
- SpongeBob: (depressed) I'm ready. Depression. I'm ready. Depression.
(Cuts to Mickey and Minnie in the seats, feeling sorry for SpongeBob)
- Mickey: Wow. I never though SpongeBob really wanted this promotion.
- Minnie: You know, Mickey. I think he lost his complete enthusiasm for life after that.
- Queen of Hearts: Greeting, people from the surface world. I seek the one known as Eugene Krabs. May he present himself to me at once.
- Mr. Krabs: I'm Eugene Krabs. Would you like to order something?
- Queen of Hearts: (lightning flashes) No! I'm on to you, Krabs! You have stolen one of Wonderland's three royal crowns, you cannot deny. For, clever as you are, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene of the crime. (holds up a piece of paper and shows it to Mr. Krabs)
- Mr. Krabs: "I stole your crown. Signed, Eugene Krabs?!" (eyes widen)
- Queen of Hearts: Relinquish the royal crown to me at once!
- Mr. Krabs: But... but this is crazy! I didn't do it!
- Phone: (Plankton begins poorly impersonating Mr. Krabs' voice) Ahoy bitches, this is Eugene Harold Krabs. I'm fat and cheapstake and I only care about my stupid money. I'm not here for now, so leave a message after the tone. (fake tone; Heathcliff impersonates another voice) Hi, Mr. Krabs. This is Clay, the guy you sold the Wonderland crown to. Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. (Mr. Krabs tries to stop the machine by breaking it but it continues to play) I sold it to a guy in Washington D.C., and I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. (Mr. Krabs rips the phone from the cord, but the phone still works for a brief moment) Which is now in D.C.. Goodbye.
- Mr. Krabs: Heh, heh... Don't you just hate wrong numbers?
- Queen of Hearts: My crown is in Washington?!
- SpongeBob: I have worked for Mr. Krabs for many years and always thought he was a great boss.
- Mr. Krabs: You see? A great boss.
- SpongeBob: But I now realize that he's a GREAT BIG JERK! (Mr. Krabs gets shocked and realizes SpongeBob is confronting him) You just think about that foul, heartless money! You don't care about other people! Mickey and Minnie were right the whole time! Krabby Patties are not made of love, which is something you DON'T HAVE! I deserved that manager's job! But you didn't give it to me, because you say I'm a kid! Well, I am 100% MAN! And this MAN has got something to say to you! (blows a long raspberry) There, I think I made my point.
(Jimmy and Heloise enter the restaurant)
- Heloise: We don't have time now, SpongeBob! We have to go to Las Vegas right now! (she, Jimmy and SpongeBob walk away) Jimmy, me, SpongeBob and Patrick got a little job related to a weird raccoon's brother.
- Goofy: Okay. Good luck, guys.
- Mickey: Do they know Mr. Krabs is about to be killed by the human queen from this weird place?
- Minnie: I don't think so. They are the focus of the subplot.
- Mickey: Wait a minute, Your Majesty. I'm flattered you would do this on everybody's account, but it isn't worth decapitate Mr. Krabs over everything he has done.
- Queen of Hearts: What are you talking about? This crab stole my crown, and now it's in Washington D.C.. That's why he must die.
- Minnie: Doesn't it seem a little harsh to kill someone over a crown?
- Queen of Hearts: You don't understand. My crown is a symbol of my queen-like authority.
- Mickey: Okay. I guess you're so worried about it.
- Minnie: Listen, Mrs. Queen. Would you spare Mr. Krabs' life if Mickey and I went to get your crown back? I say, Mr. Krabs has done many illegal things, but he didn't even know you and your kingdom have existed.
- Mickey: Exactly.
- Queen of Hearts: Ah, fine! I'll give them a chance. But if the two oversized mice fail to return, I'll get the Card Guards to splatter this crab all over the walls. (Mr. Krabs gets shocked; the Queen then turns to Mickey and Minnie) And as for you two, be back here with my crown in exactly 10 days!
(Krazy pops up)
- Krazy: They can do it in 9!
- Queen of Hearts: 8!
- Krazy: 7!
- Queen of Hearts: 6!
(Mr. Krabs tackles and attacks Krazy)
- Mickey: What about 10 months? Washington is too far from here.
- Queen of Hearts: 10 months it is, then.
- Krazy: (being choked by Mr. Krabs) Fi--ve.
- Minnie: Mr. Krabs. Can you stop attacking Krazy, please?
- Queen of Hearts: Until then, the crab shall remain frozen where he now stands. (turns to a Card Guard with a freezing guy) Guard, freeze him!
- Mr. Krabs: No, wait! I'm begging you! (the Card Guard freezes him)
- Squidward: Who turned on the AC? (gasps) Mr. Krabs! Oh, no, this is terrible! Who's gonna sign my paycheck?
- Mickey: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Minnie, Squidward and I--
- Squidward: Pass. (He walks out of the Krusty Krab, leaving his hat behind)
- Brian: All right. Everybody who does not want to travel to Washignton, come with me. (Everybody, including all the other main characters walk out of the Krusty Krab)
- Mickey: Uh, Minnie and I are gonna get that crown back and save you from the Queen's wrath. You've got nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands.
- Squidward: So you're selling Krabby Patties, eh, Plankton?
- Plankton: That's right, Squidward. (pulls out a helmet) And there's a free bucket helmet with every purchase. Care for one?
- Squidward: No. You and Heathcliff may have hoodwinked everyone else in this f**king town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
- Plankton: And what's that supposed to mean?
- Squidward: It means you set up Mr. Krabs. You stole the crown so the Queen of Hearts would freeze him and you could finally get your evil little paws on the Krabby Patty formula and the Ark Departaments deed, and then you called the construction people to try to destroy the Ark Departaments. It was you all along. But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with my paycheck, and I'm gonna report you to the police!
- Plankton: We'll see about that, Inspector Looselips. Heathcliff, activate the button at the satelite control machine.
- Heathcliff: (sarcastically) Oh, great. (angry) I'm the only one who knows this plan will fail!
(Heathcliff presses the bottom)
- Squidward: (shocked) Huh? What? (a satellite goes up on the Chum Bucket, causing the bucket helmets to start to control their wearers)
- Plankton: Their chops are too righteous! The helmets can't handle this level of rock 'n' roll, and it's making Plan Z failling! Heathcliff, do something!
(Looks for him. He is surfing through the crowd)
- Heathcliff: Wooohooo! (turns to Plankton) I told you that you were going to fail again! Yeah!
- Plankton: All right, that's the last straw! Queens of Wonderland, I command you three to... (Mickey zaps the Queens' helmets. Princess of Hearts hands the Queen of Hearts' crown)
- Princess of Hearts: Here you go, Mom.
- Plankton: I better get outta here. (runs for the door, but all the other Ark Departaments residents burst in)
- Goofy: Thanks goodness. These people have gone.
- Auggie Doggy: Hey. Look here, Mickey and Minnie are playing rock-and-roll!
- Plankton: Out of my way, fools. (everybody ignore him and rush to see Mickey and Minnie, stomping over Plankton in the process) Ow! Ow! Oooooooow! (yelping)
(Fades to black)
- Plankton: (He is now squished into the texture of cookie dough, covered with shoe-prints. Officer Pupp picks him up and puts him in a cage) Come on, I was just kidding. Come on, you guys knew that, didn't you? With the helmets and the big monuments... Wasn't that hilarious, everybody? (His cage is put in a police car, which drives away) I will destroy all of you!
- Heloise: We must find this butt-hole that took the TV.
- Jimmy: Yes, but how?
- Shifty: That's alright. I'd rather not know your real names anyways. I'm Shifty. Look, I'm gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you ten grand plus expenses, all payable after you do him...
- Jimmy and Heloise: Do him?
- Shifty: That's right. I'm offering you and your other two partners ten grand plus expenses to do my brother. We gotta deal?
- Jimmy: Heloise, did you listen? This guy wants you to score with his brother. And he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV!
- Heloise: Are you nuts, Jimmy? I will not do it! I'm not a prostitute! Besides, this guy believes we have another two members and... (sighs angrilly) Ah, fine! I'll do it if this is the only way to get money to buy a TV.
- Shifty: Here he is. (slaps down a photo of Lifty) His name's Lifty. He ain't as friendly as he looks. He stole everything from me. Ya gotta watch out, 'cause he'll do you twice as fast as you'd do him. (plunks down four plane tickets) He's holed up in a hotel room in Las Veags. Your flight leaves tomorrow in 16:48. When you meet up with your other two partners, I'll drive you four to the airport.
- Heloise: SpongeBob. Our dear yellow idiot. We need your help with... (however, SpongeBob is still sobbing) Oh, come on! Are you still depressed about this?!
- SpongeBob: Sorry. I can't believe Mr. Krabs thinks I'm a kid.
- Jimmy: Just stop thinking about it, pal. This will cheer you up.
- SpongeBob: Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad.
- Heloise: This is our yellow idiot! Now, we need your help. A green raccoon hired us to...
(Patrick walks up to them)
- Patrick: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager! (SpongeBob starts crying again) Wow, the pressure's already setting in.
- Jimmy: And we have our fourth member for the job!
- Patrick: Job? For what?
- Heloise: Well...
- SpongeBob: Pat, you don't understand. I didn't get the promotion.
- Patrick: What? Why?
- SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs thinks I'm a kid.
- Patrick: (slapping his forehead) What?! That's insane! Saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'm a kid or like saying Jimmy and Heloise are kids!
- Jimmy and Heloise: Hey!
- Patrick: Sorry.
- Heloise: Whatever! Listen, a fedora-wearing green raccoon hired Jimmy and me to do somework related with his twin brother (she shows the picture of Lifty). He believes we have two partners, so we need your help to this job. It's in Las Vegas. And there's many ice cream.
- Patrick: Ice cream?! I'm in!
- SpongeBob: (sighs) I'm gonna head back to the Ark Departaments. I'll pass.
(SpongeBob begins to walk away)
- Waiter: (handing Patrick a Triple Dodoberry Sunrise) Here's your Triple Dodoberry Sunrise, sir.
(SpongeBob starts to walk back to Patrick, Jimmy and Heloise)
- SpongeBob: A Triple Dodoberry Sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those.
- Jimmy: Me too!
- Heloise: Me too.
- Patrick: Now you're talking, pals. Hey, waiter, we need another three more over here.
- Waiter: (handing SpongeBob, Jimmy and Heloise three) There you go.
- SpongeBob, Jimmy and Heloise: Ooh!
(SpongeBob, Patrick, Jimmy and Heloise gleefully eat rapidly and get ice cream on the waiter)
- SpongeBob, Patrick and Jimmy: Buuurrrp!
- SpongeBob: That hit the spot. I'm feeling better already. I'm in!
- SpongeBob: (up on stage holding a lollipop) All right, s**ting folks, this one goes out to my three bestest friends in the whole world: (we see Patrick, Jimmy and Heloise up on stage, too) Patrick Star, Jimmy Two-Shoes and Heloise. It's a little ditty called...
- All: "Waiter!" (All four faint)
- Patrick: (in his Patrick-Man mode) I am MrPatrick-Man! I'll save you from these kidnappers!
- Plane Stewardesses: You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
- Patrick: Are you threatening me?! You'll see, criminal!
(he begins beating up the stewardess and starts to wander down the aisle. The pilots are relaxed and settled in when the door to the cockpit slams open. Patrick is in the doorway screaming)
- Patrick: STOP RIGHT THERE, CROOKS! I'm Patrick-Man!
(The pilots screams. The copilot jumps up so fast he causes coffee to spill everywhere, including on the captain's lap. The captain then jumps up, hitting the controls and sending the plane into a nose-dive. The nose-dive of the plane causes Jimmy, Heloise and SpongeBob to go flying towards the front of the plane while screaming, bouncing all over the plane and then get tangled up in the curtain that separates first class and coach. It tears off, and they continues to fly forward. The captain is desperately trying to regain control of the plane. SpongeBob slams into the cockpit, landing on the control panel facing the captain)
- Captain: Get the hell out of the cockpit!
- SpongeBob: You said...?
- Captain: NOW!
(The captain throws SpongeBob back behind him and pulls the plane out of the dive)
- Mordecai: Uh, no. Greenback sent us. You know, to take care of your twin brother.
- Shifty: (gabs Mordercai by the collar) What the hell?!... What about those other...? (tosses Mordecai to the sidewalk and starts back to his car) Dammit! He did it to me again!
- Rigby: Hey, I noticed your TV was broken. You wanna buy a new one?
(Shifty gets in his truck and starts it)
- Shifty: I'm gonna go to Las Vegas and kill all five a' them!
- Yosemite Sam: You're not a-goin' anywhere! Now get in the truck!
- SpongeBob: I thought you said we're not going anywhere.
- Yosemite Sam: What?
- SpongeBob: Some seconds ago, you said: (starts imitating Sam) "You're not a-goin' anywhere!" So do you want us to go anywhere, or not to go anywhere? I'm a bit confused due to...
- Yosemite Sam: Then I mean go anywhere! And by anywhere, I mean my f**king truck! My Lord, I've known you all of two seconds and it feels like you've been bugging me my whole life!
- Heloise: Imagine how I feel.
(they get in the van, and Sam calls 911)
- Police Responder: Police. What is the nature of your emergency?
- Yosemite Sam: I gots the four most wanted fugitives in America and I wants my 500 grand!
- Police Responder: What's your location?
- Yosemite Sam: Jump Street 33, right in front of the bank I was gonna rob! Uh, forget that last part.
(A massive fleet of police cars and helicopters instantly arrive)
- Yosemite Sam: That's a fast response time.
- Yosemite Sam: (in a jail cell) Now wait a doggone second. You're telling me that I'm not getting the reward and that I'm ALSO under arrest for attempted bank robbery?!
- Chief Herbert Dumbrowski: Shut up! I'm talking with my fellow chiefs!
- Colonel: Let's see. Where are they going to?
- Yosemite Sam: First off, why is attempted bank robbery illegal? If I'd a-just attempted it, it doesn't mean I get it done. Do you see me sitting on piles of money from the bank I robbed? No! Because I didn't rob it. I was just attempting it. And you're the only reason these four suspects got away!
- Double Q: (watching TV) Eh, guys. I think I found.
- Heloise: What was that? (tries to open the door) I don't believe this. Hello?!?! Hello, we're locked in!(sniffs) Did... Did you just crap your pants?
- Jimmy: I got scared when the door closed.
- Helose: I like you lot. I guess you could say I... really like you. I would... even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I... care a great deal about you. Very great deal. Maybe even... deeper than that. I... I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever normal people do when they're in love, but I mean, I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
- Jimmy: Well I... I love you, too, Heloise.
- Heloise: You give my life purpose, and maybe, maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.