It’s a Small World (Comedy movie)/Transcript

EXT. PARIS, FRANCE - DAY

In a dark, grimy alleyway stands a slightly bulky, mustached man in his 40s donning the suit of a Chinese security guard. His ethnicity is unclear, but it’s clearly not Chinese. We do know the miscreant’s name: ALEXANDER BASHILLIAN. He’s planning something nefarious with this suit, the original owner’s body of which is laying down unconscious beside the thief.

BASHILLIAN: After seven long years, this is my day. I can finally enact my ingenious plan to become the richest man in the world! And if civilization gets demolished in the process, oh well.

He lets out a villain laugh while tucking his slick hair into the cap.

BASHILLIAN: All I have to do right now is get one little boy kidnapped.

INT. TRAIN TO PARIS - DAY

A classic steam train is rolling down the tracks in the countryside of France. We see several passengers and the conductor chatting amongst themselves as the rickety train approaches its station. Among them, and the topic of such gossip, is the stern Russian Consul General, MELNIKOV USTIN SEMYONOVICH. In a word, intimidating. He pays little attention to anyone else, and yet still commands the attention of every person in the car. Right beside him is his ditzy little boy, ALEKSEI. He's tickled in anticipation for what lies ahead in gay Paris, and oblivious to his father's looming warriness. The conductor waves down the Consul General to gain his attention.

CONDUCTOR: Excuse me, monsieur? We are arriving soon.

USTIN: (sigh) Very well. Please do inform me when we fully arrive. And avert your eyes from my son.

The conductor tries not to look at ALEKSEI, and then nods to UTSIN.

CONDUCTOR: Of course.

He then walks down the car to deliver the message to other passengers, all of which obey his request.

ALEKSEI: Papa, do you really think they'll like me?

UTSIN: Aleksei, you're a charming young boy, but we are here on business. They won't have time to admire you. No, all eyes have to be on me.

ALEKSEI: Everytime we go out, you always say that...

Ustin pulls out an old pocket watch to check the time. Every second counts in his schedule. He's lost the ability to trust others a long time ago, and can't be bothered with letting anyone see the sensitive details of his family life. He puts the watch away.

UTSIN: (sigh) I know I do, Aleksei, but it is necessary for our future. I must present myself as a proper diplomat at all times. The people are relying on me to put some sense into those evil Chinese bastards. It is my sworn duty.

ALEKSEI And I can't go anywhere near them. Despite also being communist. (blows his hair) I thought it might be nice to meet someone my age for once...

His father puts an empathic hand on his shoulder.

UTSIN: You will, my son. When the world is safer, and less volatile.

The boy remains quiet, but a little glimmer of hope and pride is visible.

ALEKSEI: I understand, papa.

The train slows to a stop. They have reached their station.

UTSIN: As you should. We must be getting to work now, my dear.

He kisses Aleksei's head and walks off the train with him.

CONDUCTOR: Au revoir, and have a pleasant day in Paris!

UTSIN: I doubt it.

The conductor attempts to keep that grin on his face.

EXT. PARIS, FRANCE - DAY

USTIN: leads his son out of the train and towards the awaiting coachman who drives the consul's carriage.

UTSIN: Merci, monsieur. (to his son) Let's go, Aleksei.

The driver tips his hat, and Ustin opens the door for Aleksei before getting in himself.

DRIVER: Where to?

UTSIN: The Russian embassy, and blazing speed.

DRIVER: Got it, monsieur Consul.

EXT. RUSSIAN EMBASSY, DAY

Immediately, we catch up to the Russians and their cab just as they are outside the embassy.

UTSIN: Well, this is it.

ALEKSEI: I hope I get my own room.

UTSIN: Oh, of course. Your own private room and office, you'll have everything you want. And I suppose you have time to look around the town. (nudges him) Now get inside before I change my mind.

ALEKSE:I (joyous) Thank you, papa!

UTSIN: Go in.

Aleksei does, and Ustin waits until the door closes to smile at his son.

Later, Aleksei walks out onto the curb with Ustin at the door.

UTSIN: Enjoy yourself, Aleksei. Be back before noon, and beware the Chinese!

ALEKSEI: Gotcha.

He waves to his dad as we walks happily off.

EXT. CHINESE EMBASSY - DAY

Meanwhile, since we first met Bashillan, he has taken a spot among the Chinese guards watching the consulate gates. With the suit, the real guards are nonethewiser, but they are close to lazing.

BASHILLIAN (Chinese): Did the boss not say that you lot were to stand at attention?

The guards share an unnerved look and comply.

GUARD #1: (Chinese) Apologies, sir.

BASHILLIAN: (whispering to himself, English) What a delicious idea this is! To begin with, I need to get the kid in, he’s gotta start it after all, so I'll just... (coughs) ...take a break.

He puts his hand over his mouth and coughs up a small golden ring.

BASHILLIAN: Well, here we go. (To the guards in Chinese) Fellas, I’m feeling lovesick. I gotta go to the bathroom before I barf up a wedding cake.

GUARD #1: (Chinese) I beg your pardon?

BASHILLIAN: (Still Chinese) Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it, it's just a joke. But I do need the restroom.

Bashillian trods off with a shit-eating grin. Aleksei just happens to be walking on the street across from the gates as this occurs. He sees one guard, Bashillian, is distracted by his digestives and taking an altrernate route inside the embassy, so he thinks of sneaking behind without being noticed.

ALEKSEI: (snickers) “Evil Chinese.” They can’t be that bad. Maybe we can talk it out.

He creeps behind Bashillian, the despot knowing full well, the guards not paying attention to either of them. They climb the steel gates in a zone where no guards are standing, and land on the other side in a bush. There he waits for Aleksei to come out so he can tag along, while Aleksei is surprised at how easy it was to sneak in.

INT. CHINESE EMBASSY - DAY

They walk in unnoticed.

Aleksei sees a large well-decorated wall with paintings and several statues devoid of other people.

ALEKSEI: Woah.

He takes off his ushanka and runs his fingers through his hair. He's so excited, he was completely blind to the guards chatting on the side of the wall. But Bashillian isn’t. Instead, he salutes them. They return the gesture, standing at attention. Only then do they notice the little boy in blue walking by like a silly school kid. Aleksei runs off when they notice him.

GUARD #2: (Chinese) Hey! Intruder!

ALEKSEI: (panting)

Aleksei, now afraid, rushes down the spacious halls.

BASHILLIAN: (Chinese, to other guards) Excuse me, but could you possibly direct me to the men's room?

Aleksei runs right past Bashillion, who pretends to have realized him now.

BASHILLIAN: (Chinese) Wait, wait, wait! Stop! You there!

He tries to grab Aleksei by the shoulders, as do the guards he was talking to, but Aleksei dodges him and keeps running. Bashillian continues to pursue, as he's surprisingly nimble and athletic for a 40-something. A whole slew of guards is now on Aleksei’s tail.

GUARD #3: (Chinese) Get the Bolshevik boy!

Elsewhere, the Chinese Consul, XIAO YUHAN, is giving a tour of the embassy to her daughter, LING. She is a young girl with black hair in buns wearing a cute purple dress. They are in the hall, and Xiao Yan explains how the embassy's government is structured.

YUHAN: Now, this is where the people work. Where I work. You've probably seen them here before, but they're always working, and it's so-

LING: I know. It’s all linking up. You’re the most important man in China, even above the Emperor himself.

YUHAN: Yes, Ling. The Consul is responsible for all of China's foreign relations, and he must do all he can to maintain the country's sovereignty. Someday, you will carry this burden.

LING: ...are you sure I can't go into music instead? I play pretty well.

YUHAN: Unfortunately, yes. Mom has it all planned out for you, young lady. She does not want to hear any complaints.

She gets close to her daughter to whisper and smiles. Understanding what he said, the girl giggles. The two hear foot steps. From her point of view, Aleksei makes a sloppy turn and stops before them. He recognizes the Chinese Consul and his daughter. In turn, Ling recognizes Aleksei as the son of the Russian Consul. Both kids are in awe of the other. It's love at first sight.

YUHAN: (crouches down) Oh, my. Who's this little fellow?

ALEKSEI: (chuckles nervously) Hi. You must be-

Aleksei, being a ditz, had completely forgotten about the guards chasing him. Bashillian tackles him from the side and pins him down. Ling sees this and covers her mouth in fear. Aleksei tries to get up, but Bashillon uses his weight to keep him down, with a cackling laugh.

BASHILLIAN: I got ‘im!

The guards come to the scene and see Bashillan.

GUARD #4: (in Chinese) Stand down, comrade, we have him already!

BASHILLIAN: (to the guards in Chinese) Sorry, boys. I’m taking this one in.

YUHAN: What is the meaning of this?!

Bashillon stands up, Aleksei still in his grasp, and adresses the Consul.

BASHILLION: I apologize, Comrade Consul. The boy was trespassing. He doesn't seem to understand how serious this meeting between Red China and the U.S.S.R. is.

LING: He just looks lost. And cute.

ALEKSEI: Thanks.

Alexander blocked the boy’s mouth from saying anything more.

YUHAN: (to Ling) Go on, Ling. You can wait for me in the car. I need to see this boy's father immediately.

Ling runs off to do as she was told.

Yuhan takes a moment to observe Bashillon. He looks nothing like an actual Chinese citizen. He lets out a chuckle.

YUHAN:You are one of us, aren't you?

BASHILLIAN: Well, of course. To lie about my ethnicity would be crass, and not what a gentleman would do.

YUHAN: So you admit it, then.

BASHILLION: I do, my good sir. And if you'll excuse me, I have to take this MISCREANT into custody until you have that talk with his pop.

YUHAN: Very well. Guards, show the way.

Bashillon drags Aleksei with him as the guards lead the way. Alexander sports a Slasher smile. Ling looks worriedly at the adorable boy. Her father's expression is cold Things are about to go south.

INT. CONSUL’S OFFICE

Ustin is in his bountiful office when there is a knock at the door. He looks up from his paperwork with a blank expression.

UTSIN: Enter.

The door opens, and Yuhan enters. His expression is cold. Ustin is shocked to see him.

UTSIN: Consul Yuhan?

YUHAN Shut it, Semyonovich. You know exactly what I'm doing here. I have your son in custody.

Ustin takes a split second, then jumps off of his seat.

UTSIN: Custody?! You cannot be serious! I knew I shouldn't have let him out!

USTIN You'll be seeing him soon enough.

The Russian Consul stomps on his desk and storms over to Yuhan. The guards' expressions are loosing their tense.

UTSIN: Is this some sort of joke?! You have no authority to take him!

YUHAN: (scoffs) I didn't kidnap him; he waltzed right into my embassy and interrupted my daughter's tour. I can't just let that slide, now can I?

UTSIN: My son wouldn't do anything like that. He's a good boy, and would never step foot into your foreign territory without permission. He's clumsy, not stupid. He's probably still upset about your recent conflict of his country.

YUHAN: That's a bit rich coming from the man who's sent spies here in the guise of diplomats.

UTSIN: I assure you, Consul, that the Chinese are not a threat to Russia! We are only here to ensure the safety of both our peoples.

YUHAN: Well, there's your problem right there!

UTSIN: If it is not our intention, then why has China sent their troops?

YUHAN: That is none of your concern. Go get your son and leave!

UTSIN: You can't force me out of my embassy!

YUHAN: SHUT UP, YOU SAW-BONES!!!

UTSIN: (groans) You are trying my patience!

YUHAN: (Over Usttin) Grow some creases in your brain!

The two consuls are caught in a shouting match, verbally at each other’s throats. They aren't used to this kind of behavior. Usually, the consuls are refined gentlemen. Models of proper behavior, especially for a diplomat. Now listen to them.

UTSIN: YOU DON'T GET TO YELL AT ME! I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!

YUHAN: EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO RESTORE MOTHER RUSSIA TO ITS FULL GLORY!!!

The scene freezes and becomes an image on a newspaper. It's dated in 1972. The headline reads:

"USSR and RED CHINA Split After Aleksei Affari"

The next few scenes are newspaper headlines, each showing a raging split between the USSR and China. All in black and white. Not a few seconds later, we see headlines involving other countries. INDIA. BELGIUM. CHILE. USA. FRANCE. ARABIA. ALL falling like dominoes into the uproar. In a matter of days, the whole world is under the threat of war on each other. People of every nationality are upset about it. And Aleksei, who got at least one image on all the papes as he is the cause.... he was never seen in real life since then.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY

A woman reporter walks out to her crowd, who all look distraught and scared.

WOMAN REPORTER: Well, who was the real fugitive of Aleksei Semyonovich's capture?

Her cameraman is filming her on the corner of the street. She holds a microphone to her mouth.

WOMAN REPORTER: To this day, his whereabouts are unknown. No one has heard from him since, and despite his father's insistence otherwise, there is no proof that he is in China. The people are concerned, to say the least. This is what we do know. It could be the beginning of a war no one is ready to fight. All that we can do is hope he gets his son back and return to the normal state of diplomacy.