Hit Monkey (Marvel;Re Relaunch)

Hit Monkey is an one shot comic following the character of the same name, written by both MarvelDCandFantasyFanBoy12 and Jacky 50A. This story is considered non-canon within the main Marvel;Re 2021 continuity.

Transcript
The issue begins in the streets of Tokyo as a group of Hand Ninjas are shown guarding a dock. Suddenly, one of the ninjas falls to the ground as Hit-Monkey reveals himself, carrying two uzis. Hit Monkey begins firing at the Ninjas as some of them end up dodging as a fight commences. A title card soon says "Two days earlier" as private investigator, Dakota North is looking at a dead body as text on the page says "Manhattan, New York." She sighs and grabs a cigar. It cuts to The Bar With No Name as Hit-Monkey is drinking a banana smoothie. Dakota, soon comes in as Scarecrow turns at her.
 * Dakota: Stab marks… whoever killed this man must be some sort of master at swords. Swordsman has redeemed himself so it can't be him. Maybe the Hand?
 * Dakota: But what would the Hand want with this seemingly normal person? I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I might need some help.
 * Scarecrow: You can't arrest any of us. This bar is a safe haven!
 * Dakota: Good thing I wasn't planning to.

She walks over to Hit-Monkey as he turns and makes noises.
 * Dakota: I have a job for you.

Hit-Monkey finishes his smoothie before turning around and uttering a bunch of grunts that seem unintelligible. Surprisingly, Dakota is able to understand what he's saying.


 * Dakota: A man was found dead. Isaac Roberts was his name. I have a hunch that some dangerous people killed him. I want you to find out who killed him and why. You'll get paid.

Hit-Monkey grunts as a monkey would normally once again, nodding in agreement before looking around to see if anyone's suspicious at their presence. The primate turns towards the bartender of the place, who he grunts towards.


 * Mitch: "Look, we don't do business with the Hand, okay?"

Hit Monkey stares at him before turning back.


 * Dakota: "I think I have something that might help you."

She hands Hit-Monkey a scarf and a wallet that belonged to Isaac.

It cuts to F.E.A.S.T. as Hit-Monkey walks in, knowing that Isaac possibly went there. Suddenly, one of F.E.A.S.T.'s volunteers, May Parker walks up.
 * Dakota: "Two of his belongings that was there the night he died. You'll get paid when the job is done."
 * May Parker: "Hello monkey man. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Hit-Monkey makes noises.
 * May Parker: "Isaac Roberts? He doesn't sound familiar."

Hit-Monkey briefly looks around to see if there's anyone who's paying attention to him. Surprisingly, no one does, so the suited macaque points a gun at May Parker.


 * May Parker: "Young monkey, we don't have to resort to violence here."

Hit-Monkey, annoyed, shoots Aunt May. The crowd immediately goes wild and runs away from the scene. Hit-Monkey, wanting no witnesses, tries to kill everyone, but gets pulled away by a web, which introduces his face with the legs of an enraged Scarlet Spider. Suddenly, Kaine is joined by Ben Reilly and Joe Wade: two other men also known as Scarlet Spider. Ben Reilly drops down from a ventilation shaft while Joe Wade enters the scene by bursting through the kitchen. Suddenly, three other Aunt Mays enter the room confused.
 * Scarlet Spider (Kaine): "How dare you kill my aunt! I'll show you what it means to mess with the Parkers, primate!"


 * Scarlet Spider (Joe): You gonna die monkey!

Hit-Monkey proceeds to engage in a bloody fight with the Scarlet Spiders, able to match them in combat thanks to his sheer skill. After getting punched squarely in the face by a combination blow from Ben Reilly and Joe Wade, the Scarlet Spiders walk up to him, standing over him.

Hit-Monkey gets enraged at the mention of Kingpin and throws three throwing knives at the necks of the Scarlet Spiders, flinging them with such speed that they're all barely able to avoid decapitation by so. Hit-Monkey then escapes the scene. Kaine and Reilly look at Joe. Joe and Kaine look at Reilly.
 * Scarlet Spider (Reilly): "Who sent you? Kingpin?"
 * Scarlet Spider (Kaine): "Stupid monkey! Why does everyone want Aunt May dead?!"
 * Scarlet Spider (Reilly): "He thinks that by killing her, we're all gonna be psychologically scarred!"
 * Scarlet Spider (Joe) : "&#^$, who the hell was that, anyway? Didn't know Aunt May had a beef with a monkey."
 * Scarlet Spider (Kaine): "Excuse me, who the *#&@ are you?"
 * Scarlet Spider (Joe): "I'm also Scarlet Spider, man. Except I'm not a clone."
 * Scarlet Spider (Reilly): "Look, it doesn't matter. Right now, we have to bring that monkey to justice for killing Aunt May. But first, we have to make sure that Aunt May's dead."
 * Scarlet Spider (Reilly): "You know what I mean."
 * May Clone #1: "We are here you know."
 * Scarlet Spider (Kaine): "Of course some nut job cloned Aunt May."
 * Scarlet Spider (Joe): "So, what's it gonna be? We find whoever's responsible for cloning Aunt May, or that monkey?"

It cuts to Hit-Monkey, brooding on the Daily Bugle's rooftop, growling that he has lost a lead. After some pondering, Hit-Monkey gets tired and wants to sleep, only to encounter Nightmare in the Dream Dimension.


 * Nightmare: "Doctor Strange, we me-wait a minute. What the fuck? You're not Doctor Strange."

Hit-Monkey makes noises.


 * Nightmare: "I thought only Doctor Strange sleeps at this time."

Hit-Monkey makes more noises, sounding more annoyed than being afraid. While 'ranting', Hit-Monkey subconsciously conjures twin sub-machine guns into his hands.


 * Nightmare: "Hey! Hey! I have a lead! Tokyo! Go to Tokyo! Just don't try to kill me. Me and Doctor Strange fight twice a month and he was sick on Halloween!"

Nightmare vanishes in a ball of dust. Moments later, Hit-Monkey wakes up and thinks about how he is going to go to Tokyo. After figuring something out, Hit-Monkey is then seen screaming at Vanisher while pointing a gun at him, preventing him from teleporting by encasing his hands with power-suppressing manacles.


 * Vanisher: "Let me go!"

Hit-Monkey roars at him and hisses.


 * Vanisher: "(Screams) LET ME GO!"

Hit-Monkey roars at him even harder.


 * Vanisher: "LET ME G-"

Seconds later, Hit-Monkey is seen stalking the rooftops of Tokyo, where he jumps from rooftop to rooftop. He keeps pouncing as it is revealed that several of Hands' heads are watching including Gorgon and Kingpin as suddenly, Dakota North enters, revealing that she is working for the Hand.
 * Dakota North: "The monkey has fallen for the bait."
 * Gorgon: "It is time to put an end to his miserable existence once and for all."
 * Kingpin: "Kill him. Kill him now."
 * Uatu the Watcher: "(Watching the situation behind the three figures) Must I interfere? The loss of Hit-Monkey's life... would mean the death of the universe!"

Hit Monkey keeps hoping buildings as suddenly he gets stopped by three figures: which are revealed to be gamma infused clone of Aunt May, a fused clone of Shadowcat and Colossus and a Power Cosmic infused clone of J. Jonah Jameson.
 * Cosmic Jameson: "There's the monkey."
 * Shadow of the Colossus: "You must be careful, Hit-Monkey."
 * Gamma May: "If you are to die, everything will die."

Hit-Monkey glances at them with suspicion and backflips, unleashing a hail of bullets at an incoming horde of Hand ninjas. As he makes noises.


 * Cosmic Jameson: "Of course we are on your side!"

Gamma May grabs a Hand Ninja and breaks his back. While the fight is happening, Dakota grabs a box with a plant seed as Gorgon and Kingpin notice this. She opens the box as she ends up freeing Ego the Living Plant as he enters Dakota's body as her eyes turn purple.
 * Kingpin: "Don't."
 * Gorgon: "Freeing him will doom the world."
 * Dakota: "I don't care."
 * Dakota-Ego: Bingo.

"Her" mental power ends up destroying the base as she flies off. Hit-Monkey looks upon this with confusion, but doesn't care. He decides to go after Kingpin and Gorgon, unleashing a hail of bullets at the two. Both Kingpin and Gorgon end up dying as Dakota-Ego ends up messing with reality, first by summoning someone who looks suspiciously like Iron Man.
 * "Iron Man": What the fu-

Shadow of the Colossus grabs "Iron Man" and rips him in half. In the midst of this commotion, Dakota-Ego attempts to overturn reality upside down until Hit-Monkey grunts a number of noises at her, distracting her.


 * Dakota-Ego: "Stop yammering, you idiot!"

Hit-Monkey grunts some more.


 * Dakota-Ego: "That's it! I'll -"

Suddenly, Hit-Monkey pulls out an Ultimate Nullifier. Uatu appears behind Hit-Monkey alongside Cosmic Jameson, Gamma May, and Shadow of the Colossus.

She evil laughs as she summons Nul, Breaker of Worlds alongside a horde of Eduardo Lobos and Peepers.
 * Uatu: "Now you're done, little plant."
 * Dakota-Ego: "I have one last trick up my sleeves…"
 * Gamma May: "Fuck."

Hit-Monkey pulls out yet another Ultimate Nullifier and hands them to the Watcher, who merges them into an assault rifle-like form, which Hit-Monkey proceeds to unleash upon his enemies. Soon Hit-Monkey and his new crew take out all of the Eduardo Lobos and Peepers, leaving Dakota-Ego and Nul left.

Dakota-Ego and Nul eventually come face to face with Hit-Monkey and his people, both sides staring at each other with hate. Suddenly, Hit Monkey, Uatu, Gamma May, Shadow of the Colossus, Power Cosmic Jameson and for no reason, Nightmare, begin an Uni-Mind.


 * Dakota-Ego: "Impossible…"
 * Nightmare: "Time to end this bad dream..."
 * Hit-Monkey: "OOK-OOK!"

The six levitate in the air as they begin to merge into a singular being...


 * Living Tribunal: "This ends now!"

The Living Tribunal proceeds to clap his hands together and the panel turns white. In the middle of the nothingness, Hit-Monkey can be seen laying upon the floor with two uzis in both of his hands, seemingly asleep. He wakes up and begins looking around, confused at the sight.


 * Hit-Monkey: "Ook Ook?"

After his awakening, Hit-Monkey finds himself apparently swimming around the nothingness. All of a sudden, a mechanical hand suddenly appears outside of a portal and transports him to another place. The hand drags him into a facility of sorts, where Hit-Monkey sees an unsavory figure in his presence.


 * MODOK: "What?! What is this farce?! Why are you in there, you incessant primate?!"

Hit Monkey shrugs and keeps walking as it morphs into one of those reality who is the father shows as Darkhold Dwarf is hosting it between Scarlet Witch and Mephisto.
 * Darkhold Dwarf: Mephisto, you are the father!

The room immediately erupts into a chaotic mess as the audience cheers so hard that reality begins to warp. Hit-Monkey, angered at the absurdity of this situation, yells in annoyance before suddenly finding himself on top of a tree branch inside the Bronx Zoo. The surprised Hit-Monkey falls down and thuds his head on the floor, recovering shortly after and looking at his watch to see that it's 01.00 AM.

It was all just a dream, after all.