WikiViews/Fire Emblem (film)

Script
Noah (imitating Russell Casse from Independence Day): HELLO, BOYS! I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

Satan: Ooh! Just in time for Fire Emblem!

* Noah goes out of control, batshit insane.*

Noah: Fire Emblem? FIRE EMBLEM!?!

* Cuts to Noah in his room.*

Noah: What is Fire Emblem? Dude, what ISN'T Fire Emblem?

* Cuts to images of Fire Emblem.*

Noah (VO): Fire Emblem is this awesome video game series that Nintendo made. It is probably their greatest creation, better than Mario, Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, even... *shows a picture of Captain N* Captain N: The Game Master!?!?!?!

Dillon: Absolutely is.

Noah: Well, I heard they made a movie out of this awesome video game, and I think the filmmakers knew about the shipping and the fantheories and the frustrating strategy and all that, so I think it'll be amazing! Let's see who directed it- RIAN JOHNSON!?!

* Shows a picture of Rian Johnson.*

Noah: Look, Rian, I'll be nice. Knives Out was pretty great, but you RUINED Star Wars!

Dillon: Last Jedi is not the worst Star Wars movie.

Noah: Last Jedi wasn't bad, but RISE OF SKYWALKER SUCKED THANKS TO IT TRYING TO RETCON THE LAST JEDI! So obviously, with a man who tortured the *sarcastic* GENIUS filmmaking skills of J.J. Abrams, he is now bringing his Midas touch of death to Fire Emblem. How is he gonna ruin it? Well, we're about to find out.

Dillon: It might work.

Noah: LEMME READ THE BACK OF THE DVD CASE! "After the death of his father and the destruction of his home, Altean prince Marth now lives in exile. Grieving for his father and a happier life, he forges an alliance with the remaining Altean knights and through the power of Falchion, Marth will avenge his father and confront the evil earth dragon Medeus in order to restore his kingdom to where it used to be." Yep. Shit, this is already off to a bad start. MEDEUS TRANSFORMED OUT OF THE EARTH DRAGON FORM!

Dillon: It's just a back cover. It's not like Tom Holland is Marth or anything.

Noah: Even worse, he's played by... Leo Howard? WHAAAAAAAT!?!

Dillon: Who dat?

Noah: They got a Disney Channel dude for this! Yo, I'mma tell Knotty! HEY KNOTTY!

Dillon: Can I bring someone in while he comes?

Nolan: Hey man welcome back

Noah: DUDE! THEY GOT A DISNEY CHANNEL GUY TO BE MARTH IN THIS LIVE-ACTION FIRE EMBLEM SHIT DIRECTED BY MR. BAD EXPECTATION SUBVERTER HIMSELF, RIAN JOHNSON!!!

Dillon: All we need is Adam Sandler then this is the perfect bad film.

Noah: Meh, they couldn't get him. They do have, however... Scarlett Johansson? Gerard Butler? Hugh Jackman? Chris Hemsworth? LEONARDO DICAPRIO!?!?!?!?!

* Satan drops his champagne glass, shattering on the ground.*

Satan: WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!

Noah: HOW DID THEY GET THESE PEOPLE!?!

Dillon: Same way Rian got his previous cast. Blackmail.

Nolan: Wait which Disney Channel star did they get Kid off Hannah Montana Cole Sprouse?

Dillon: LEO FUCKING HOWARD

Nolan: Are you serious they got the kid from Children of The Corn As Marth?!

Dillon: No. they got the kid from the karate kid ripoff as Marth.

Nolan: Yeah he was in Children of the Corn as well

Dillon: Eh.

Noah: Whatever. I'm gonna start up the movie.

* We hear an epic, bombastic version of the Fire Emblem theme.*

Noah (VO): Hey guys! We have Fire Emblem theme! We make good adaptation!

Dillon (VO): That's good.

Noah (VO): So it starts off actually pretty nicely. We get a lot of information about Marth's father. This is interesting because the games didn't quite explore his character, reducing himself to a small mention or cameo. We also get to see Marth grow up with his father as well. It's quite interesting to see how this will play out. The problem is...

* Actual film footage is shown. We see Marth as a 14 year old in the forest with his father, King Cornelius. Cornelius is teaching Marth how to be aggressive.*

''King Cornelius: See that deer, son? Strike it down with this sword I made you.''

* Cornelius attempts to hand Marth the sword, but he refuses.*

Prince Marth: Why would I want to murder this harmless, innocent creature?

* Cornelius shoves Marth to the ground. Tears come out of Marth's eyes.*

''King Cornelius: See, Marth, this is why you're not a worthy successor to Falchion! You're a weak pacifist, and if there's one thing this kingdom doesn't need, it's a pacifist like you!''

* Cuts back to Noah, Dillon, Nolan and Satan.*

Noah: ...he's an asshole.

Dillon: Oh God... why dude?

Noah (VO): It's hard to feel any emotional attachment to this character with scenes like that. He constantly abuses his son, and while it's later revealed he did it to make him powerful, he's still being an asshole! So when he dies, it's kind of difficult to see how Marth would get upset over it, and I think the film knew that because there's all these other extremely out-of-place scenes with Marth bonding with Cornelius that kind of change the entire tone of the film.

Dillon: You know what would be cool? Cornelius was consumed by his power and need for a powerful Marth so he turned evil. But nope! He has a half ass death scene.

* Shows the beginning of the War of Shadows. Medeus approaches Cornelius and stabs him with his sword.*

Medeus: Descent of Anri, you will cower before my power!

Noah (VO, imitating Medeus): Hey, that rhymed!

Satan (VO, imitating Yondu): I'm Dr. Seuss, y'all!

(Dillon shoots Satan with a holy bullet)

Noah: Hey Dillon, if that was in the movie, it would be called the Divine Bullet!

* A laugh track and the Seinfeld theme song plays and the camera zooms into Dillon's depressed face.*

* Shows footage of the film again.*

Noah (VO): The Altean knight Cain rushes in and tries to save Cornelius from his inevitable demise. We then hear Cornelius's last words.

* Cornelius is lying helplessly on the ground.*

''King Cornelius: Tell my son that I leave the future of Altea and our continent in his hands. He must rise now where I have fallen. As Falchion's rightful heir, he has been born into greatness... Now... he must be great.''

Noah: Gee, this quote TOTALLY wasn't taken from the Fire Emblem Wiki.

Dillon: Can we make a horror movie starring this guy?

Noah: Oh boy, if you don't think that's the worst part, just wait. Hey Cain, let me hear you SCREEEEEEEEAM!

* While Noah says "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEAM", we see Cain screaming as Cornelius had died in his sight.*

Cain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noah: God, I don't even think Darth Vader screams "NOOOOOOOOOOO" like that.

Dillon: Or Fred.

* More footage of the film is shown.*

Noah (VO): So Cain rushes to Marth to tell him the sad news, and Marth doesn't take it... the best.

Prince ''Marth (crying): My father is not dead. If that was the case, Falchion would be mine. But I haven't gotten a chance to prove myself yet! He is not dead! He is here! I know he is.''

Noah (VO): UM... WAKE THE FUCK UP, MARTH! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO NAIVE?

Satan: This is worse than Marth's taunts in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

* Shows Marth taunting in SSBU.*

Marth: I won't lose!

Noah: You'll lose like this!

* Shows footage of the film.*

Prince ''Marth: You're a liar, Cain! You want to manipulate me and overthrow the Altian throne! Well, guess what? You have no right to take the throne. My father is a better king than you'll ever be.''

* Noah facepalms and grips his skin.*

Dillon: MARTH SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Noah: This feels less like Fire Emblem and more like someone's roleplay experiences on ROBLOX Kingdom Life II.

Dillon: They should have based it on whatever game had Robin.

Noah: I think they chose Marth because he would sell the most toys.

(Hides Lucina body Pillow)

Noah: Whatever. Just look at this commercial.

* Cuts to a Marth action figure commercial.*

''Narrator: Fire Emblem! Now you can wield the power of Falchion with the all-new Marth action figure!''

* Shows a kid playing with it in the most cliche toy commercial type of way.*

Kid (playing with the Marth action figure): I, the Hero-King, will defend Altea with the divine power of Falchion!

''Narrator: Will you do whatever it takes to defeat Medeus and Archanea? Each sold separately. Fire Emblem, rated PG-13. In theaters now.''

* Nolan, Dillon and Noah look at the screen blankly.*

Satan: Remind me to see a psychiatrist.

Noah: Will do.

Dillon: Didn’t I shoot him?

Noah: You can't kill Satan.

Dillon: Even with a holy bullet.

Noah (VO): So Marth is captured and put into exile in Talys, and they then head to Aurelis where Marth befriends Prince Hardin and receives the Fire Emblem by Princess Nyna, played by Sophie Turner.

Princess Nyna (giving the Fire Emblem to Marth): With the Fire Emblem, the fate of Archanea rests in your hands.

Noah (VO): UM... WAY TO FORCE ANOTHER SUBPLOT DOWN OUR THROATS! ALSO, WHY IS MARTH NOW, LIKE, HEIR TO THE THRONE OF TWO GODDAMN KINGDOMS!?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TRUST HIM?

Dillon: He just snapped at a dude because his daddy who is an utter asshole died!

Noah: Also, what did he do to earn the Fire Emblem? In the game, he had a likable personality, he saved his knights from Medeus and showed compassion. In here, he's just being pampered and shit!

Dillon: He is Mike Teavee and Augustus Gloop's son.

Noah: I'm still having trouble for thinking of him having an emotional attachment to Cornelius.

Satan: I mean, is Cornelius addressed in the rest of the film?

Noah: He's practically the fucking driving force of it!

Dillon: who the hell played him?

Noah: Gerard fucking Butler.

Dillon: Damn.

Noah: Also, if you love it when Marth cries and mourns and grieves all the time in the games, he does it, like, 70% of the time in this movie. He makes, at least, 8 girlfriends because of it.

Satan: OKAY, even ODYSSEUS wasn't this fucking lucky when it came to girls. Marth can win over them with PITY POINTS!?!

Dillon: Yeah!

Noah: He just wins them over by hugging them and crying. I do that all the time and everyone thinks I'm weird.

Satan: Silly Noah, this is anime-esque fantasy medieval Europe!

Dillon: THEN WHY IS THERE NO GUNDAM MECHS SATAN?!

Satan: I don't know.

Dillon: Then it isn't anime-esque!

Noah: He means the way the characters act.

Dillon: True.

* Cuts back to film footage. Nyna is talking to Marth about Dolhr.*

Princess Nyna:  '''Tis Archanea's burden to protect the world of crisis—a duty I have striven to fulfill. But Dolhr has laid waste to my kingdom, and now I find myself powerless to stop the world from falling into ruin.''

Noah (VO): Hope y'all takin' notes cuz I've played all the games and I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Dillon: Who is Dolhr.

(Nerdman breaks in)

Dillon: Nerdman??

Noah: Hey, uh, Nerdman, we need your help!

Nerdman: What is it?

Noah: We're watching the Fire Emblem movie and there's too much shit going on.

Nerdman: Tell me everything that's happened so far!

Noah: DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH......... fine. Marth is born, Medeus transforms out of his earth dragon form and terrorizes Altea, kills Cornelius, Marth lives in exile and grieves for Cornelius, gets sent to Aurelis where he befriends Hardin and Nyna, he gets the Fire Emblem, and now we have bullshit about Dolhr terrorizing Aurelis and Medeus is on the lookout for Marth.

Nerdman: Yikes. And how much are you into this movie?

Noah (looking at timestamp): 17 MINUTES!?! WHAAAAAAAAT!?!

Nerdman: How long is the movie?

Noah: 154 minutes.

* Everyone gulps for dear life.*

Dillon: Shit.

Noah: Oh God...

Dillon: So you are gonna watch this with us Nerdman.

Nerdman: God, I'll try.

* More footage of the film is shown.*

Noah (VO): So Nyna reports to Hardin about Marth's current situation.

''Prince Hardin: What's wrong? You look upset. Is it about Marth?''

''Princess Nyna: He still mourns for his father. He says he wants to live up to his position.''

Noah (VO): OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIDN'T WE LITERALLY JUST ESTABLISH MARTH DIDN'T BELIEVE CAIN? WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS!?! God, I don't even think Will Turner cared this much about his dad!

Dillon (VO): I forgot he had a dad.

Nerdman: This movie rehashes Fire Emblem information you've heard so many times yet when it's done in film you forget about it!

Noah: No shit, Sherlock.

Dillon: Last Jedi I enjoyed but this is confusing.

* More footage of the film is shown.*

Noah (VO): So Medeus breaks in and fucking kills Nyna and Hardin.

''Medeus: One step closer to finding the descendants of Anri. Soon, the Altean kind will be no more.''

Noah: Okay... Medeus is kinda fucking awesome in this movie.

Noah (VO): Not only is he performed incredibly by Josh Brolin and has some amazing motion-capture technology, but every time you see him on screen, there's this sense of intimidation you get. The score excels in intensity, the camera glimpses at him as if you were really there and being horrified at the sight of him, he's just fucking awesome! And he doesn't restrain, either. He makes all the check-marks in the badass villain checklist.

Satan: Sadly, though, fucking Marth is the main character.

Noah: Why is he even like that?

Dillon: HE IS CREEPY BUT WE DEAL WITH BUCK BUTLER AND KICKIN MARTH.

* More footage of the film is shown.*

Noah (VO): Were you not following anything that was going on earlier? Guess what? Now there are PIRATES in this goddamn movie!

* The pirates approach Marth.*

Pirate #1: We have come from the remains of Altea to bring you, Hero-King, our hope.

* Pirate #1 gives Marth the Falchion.*

* Cuts to Noah banging his head on the table.*

Noah (VO): Besides being a vehicle for Marth to get Falchion, what purpose of the plot do these pirates serve?

* Cuts to the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything song from VeggieTales*

Noah: That's right, they only come in this one scene and are never seen in the rest of the movie!

Dillon: I want Lucina to appear and cut Marth's head off.

Nerdman: She does.

Dillon: Wait what?

Nerdman: In the third film!

Dillon: We have to deal with two films with this bitch?

Nerdman: Marth is in all of the Fire Emblem films, which is something Rian Johnson calls the "Hero-King Saga". In the third film/penultimate film of the franchise, Fire Emblem: Awakening- Part I, we see Lucina as someone with a terrible future ahead of them. Her PTSD after receiving a vision of the future causes her to figure out time travel and to go back to change the course of the events intervening with the Marth saga. She disguises herself as Marth and, uh-

Noah: So this is an even worse version of time travel than Avengers: Endgame?

Nerdman: Pretty much. Also, Lucina and Marth have a swordfight out in public and the two of them are both fatigued. Lucina then, and I'm not joking either, seduces Marth, causing her to take Falchion and presenting her as the true version of Marth.

Noah: Well, I mean, they had to get the weebs involved eventually.

Dillon: So we are gonna hate reviewing the other two films, right?

Nerdman: Awakening Part I & II are WAAAAAAAAAY worse than this movie in terms of filmmaking, trust me. But hey, they're at least so batshit insane bad and this is just boring bad.

Dillon: Are you saying that the movie before Awakening is good? The second?

Nerdman: Oh, Shadow Dragon? Total ass.

Dillon: Shitbiscuits.

Noah: At least the music in all 4 of these films is really good, especially the music in the Awakening two-parter. They make the Fire Emblem theme super epic and they have original character themes and awesome action music, plus genuinely heart-hitting emotional music. The only reason why I don't cry is because I don't give two shits about these character portrayals.

(Dillon turns the movie back on)

Noah (VO): So then we cut to... the Greil Mercenaries? OH YEAH! Finally, this movie's going somewhere! I swear to God, if they screw up Ike in this movie...

Ike: Okay, so there's this new Hero-King guy to mess up our plans. We go to Gallia and avoid any contact with any Alteans, got it?

* The entire room agrees.*

Greil: My son, you're too obsessed with Prince Marth of Altea.

Noah (VO): YOU RUINED IT! GREAT JOB! YOU FUCKING RUINED IT! THIS ISN'T EVEN HOW IKE'S CHARACTER WORKS! HE'S HEAD OF THE GREIL MERCENARIES AFTER GREIL DIED! BUT NO, HE'S STILL ALIVE! YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT!

Dillon: Nerdman Explain to me what Greil mercenaries are.

Nerdman: The Greil Mercenaries are a mercenary force founded by Ike's father Greil, who was the leader until his death, putting Ike as the new leader. It was first formed in Crimea and the mercenaries were supposed to protect the villages throughout Archanea.

Dillon: Oh wow...

Noah: And we see about a combined total of 10 minutes of that in this movie.