Kiki (CGI Prequel) (Astro Boy's Critic)

Astro Boy: Hello, I'm Astro Boy; I remember it so you have to. In France, an internationally Disney animated film that isn't Spirited Away? Pfft! Sold! I have to review terrible, terrible prequels to movies I've already looked at. (inhales) And if these prequels are ANYTHING like the movie I just saw the CGI prequel of Kiki.

(Title card and clips of Kiki are shown while Astro Boy speaks.)

Astro Boy (vo): This is one of the worst slaps in the face to a really great movie since... (Kiki's Delivery Service title card appears) THE LAST SLAP IN THE FACE TO IT! But give Kiki's Delivery Service some credit, it wasn't...this! This is the Star Wars of prequels; the Harry Potter's Fantasic Beasts; the... (The Cat Returns cover appears) Case in point, Miyazaki! It's one of the worst prequels to a good franchise I have ever seen, period.

Astro Boy: These are the (brings a thick stack of papers on his desk) notes of things that are wrong with the movie, so as you can imagine, there's a lot to talk about. So I will do my best to keep this review under a millennium long, but I make no promises. (beat) Let's take a look.

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Astro Boy (vo): Golly, no pressure on this girl! They just give him a direct order to be exactly like your mother, the great heroine witch girl! God of Anime, do you think Jesus’ parents acted that way?

Astro Boy: (speaks as Jesus’ father to a Photoshopped image of Jesus as a kid while calming, holy music plays in the background) Now, Jesus, you know your mother and I are very, very proud of you. (inhales through his teeth) But…if it’s at all possible…do you mind dying for our sins? (record scratch as music stops, and baby Jesus looks at NC in shock) (laughs) Nope. Not just askin’.

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Jiji: (fake sobs) Oh, what a third age made of!

Astro Boy: Wow, I remember that third age made of the trilogy of "The Hobbit".

[Clip of "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey".]

Bilbo: I do believe the worst is behind us. [smiles]

[Back to Astro Boy]

Astro Boy: (smiles) Yeah, Bilbo's fine. (The picture of Hayao Miyazaki and Guillermo Del Toro is shown) But Miyazaki hates Hollywood. He was only an influence of Guillermo Del Toro as well, he did it.

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Astro Boy: WWWhat?!

Astro Boy (vo): LADY VAIN IS THE SECOND VILLAIN, LIKE DISNEY'S PINOCCHIO?!

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Astro Boy: (gets fed up and points to the camera in rage, finally finding the right words) DUMB! THIS IS DUMB! It can’t be for real! It can’t be! No movie could possibly be this stupid! It has to be a secret cave hideout sequence than Spaceballs or…what am I even looking at?! It’s like Lost Boys' hideout if it was designed by this movie, Hook! Somebody else took over this movie! An insane asylum, probably!

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Astro Boy: This has got to be the freaking dumbest twist I’ve ever seen in my life! I mean…the girl is a adventurer who was becoming a witch? (pauses) What…sick twisted brain would come up with something so stupid?!

(cut to Dr. Insano (played by Noah Antwiler, aka Spoony) typing on his laptop)

Dr. Insano: “And then the girl turns into a human witch and befriends all his friends.” (pauses to absorb what he just wrote) Genius! It’s a work of genius! (laughs wildly) I’m gonna call my creative consultant and see what he thinks!

Daddy Walrus: (calls on his phone) Wonderful! So the girl becomes the human witch? Wonderful! It’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant! You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Insano.

Dr. Insano: I know! Now, every child in the world will know that they can no longer escape the clutches of science!

(They both laugh their heads off for a bit; Dr. Insano even bangs his head on the table while laughing)

Astro Boy (voiceover): I mean, it’s incredible, it’s absolutely incredible! You know what this is like? I…Oh, no.

Astro Boy: No, I can’t even make the comparison! I can’t, it’s too stupid to make. (places a hand on his face, then sighs) But it’s true! It’s so true! “Kiki's Delivery Service”—this wonderful, creative film—has officially become a witch girl with fantastic abilities trying to get home again…you know where this is goin’!

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