Kiki (CGI Prequel) (Astro Boy's Critic)

(The video cold-opens on text: "Alexandre Heboyan 2019". Then we see an online chat between Toshio Suzuki and Alexandre Heboyan via Skype)

Alexandre: Hey, there, Suzuki.

Suzuki: Oh, hi, Alexandre.

Alexandre: So, tell me about your ideas for a cinematic Kiki prequel.

Suzuki: Gladly.

(A shot of a Kiki departs Karikiya in 1989 film)

Suzuki (vo): It begins as before, with Kiki departs at the end of the prequel, though it is CG and not an hand-drawn til before the 1989 film.

Alexandre: So you're looking to combine live action and animation, then.

Suzuki: Exactly. But it's not like what every other movie does it. (Listening intently, Alexandre takes out a pen) You see, it's not about the technology, (whispers) it's about the feel of the world.

(Various shots of Spirited Away and The Red Turtle that Toshio Suzuki created are shown)

Suzuki (vo): It'll be like my Asian; same characters, but on a more unique and grander scale. We'll still have cartoon character voices in actors, but it'll be less hand drawn and CGIs...

(Cut to shots of the anime television version, Heidi: Girl of the Alps)

Suzuki (vo): ...similar to what I did in the television of the estate of Takahata, Heidi: Girl of the Alps.

Alexandre: So, like in that film, it takes place in no time period and...every time period of Disney home media in Asia?

Suzuki: Agreed to contribute ten percent.

Alexandre: And it's kind of The Wild Swans vibe. But won't people...

(Another shot of 'The Wild Swans (Toei version, 1977)' is shown)

Alexandre (vo): ...miss the elaborate designs from your movie?

Suzuki: Well, we don't want to give people what they've already seen, do we? We want to give them new ideas against a familiar story.

Alexandre: I see what you're saying.

(More shots of the Asian play are displayed)

Suzuki (vo): There will be no big Hollywood stars, but Hayao Miyazaki hates Disney in American and Europe; all the characters will be Asian, and we'll be the environment out of West and East Asian culture, artwork and history. It'll be like Satsuki, mixing modern technology with timeless traditions to create something new yet classic.

Bob: Satsuki was beloved by a lot of group of Totoro spinoffs.

Julie (vo): It'll be more violent than the other un-Ghibli-like remakes, showing that we want to grow up with our audiences and not treat them like children forever.

Alexandre: (as posters for the Kiki's Delivery Service (2014) version and Grave of the Fireflies (2005/2008) live-action version pop up) We've currently been experimenting with that.

Suzuki (vo): At the end, when "A Message of Rogue" is sung once more, a real baby is held up and the world is revealed to be a mix of modern-day Africa and years of history that inspired the stage show, so we represent the complicated past with the complicated future, not just for Africa, but for the human animal as a whole, fighting for the power, justice and unity.

Alexandre: Wow. Well, that sounds brilliant.

Suzuki: You like it?

Alexandre: It's challenging, it's brave, it pushes the boundaries of not only what Studio Ghibli can do, but what cinema can do.

Suzuki: And, it doesn't have to be that expensive. It's not about looking real.

Alexandre: Absolutely.

Suzuki: Wonderful. So, shall we start production next year?

Alexandre: Oh, we're not gonna make it.

Suzuki: (stunned) What?

Alexandre: No, I set this meeting to see what we shouldn't do for a Kiki prequel.

(We are then shown a shot of Alexandre's notes during his exchange with Suzuki: "Mune: Guardian of the Moon", "The Little Prince", "The Red Turtle", "Playmobil: The Movie" and "Earwig and the Witch")

Alexandre: I just took everything you said and wrote down the complete fact and opposite.

Suzuki: But why?

Alexandre: You're a thinker, Julie, and people don't want that. We want to give them comfort movies and TV shows...

(A shot of various Studio Ghibli animated films and their respective movie is "The Cat Returns" are shown)

Alexandre (vo): ...under the guise of something deep and timeless...

Alexandre: ...even though we're just feeding folks the same old.

Suzuki: Don't you want to challenge and evolve and enlighten your fanbase?

Alexandre: Not as much as I want to make money.

(Then, to a "ta-da!" sound, we cut to a shot of the Kiki prequel, along with the phrase: "AND THAT'S HOW THEY MADE IT". We then cut to Hayao Miyazaki sitting his home, having watched it all, presumably as a bonus on TV premiere. He is quite stunned)

Miyazaki: Well, that was the worthless featurette I've ever seen.

(With that, the proper Astro Boy's Critic title sequence is shown.)

Astro Boy: Hello, I'm Astro Boy; I remember it so you have to. In France, an internationally Disney animated film that isn't Spirited Away? Pfft! Sold! I have to review terrible, terrible prequels to movies I've already looked at. (inhales) And if these prequels are ANYTHING like the movie I just saw the CGI prequel of Kiki.

(Title card and clips of Kiki are shown while Astro Boy speaks.)

Astro Boy (vo): This is one of the worst slaps in the face to a really great movie since... (Kiki's Delivery Service title card appears) THE LAST SLAP IN THE FACE TO IT! But give Kiki's Delivery Service some credit, it wasn't...this! This is the Star Wars of prequels; the Harry Potter's Fantasic Beasts; the... (The Cat Returns cover appears) Case in point, Miyazaki! It's one of the worst prequels to a good franchise I have ever seen, period.

Astro Boy: These are the (brings a thick stack of papers on his desk) notes of things that are wrong with the movie, so as you can imagine, there's a lot to talk about. So I will do my best to keep this review under a millennium long, but I make no promises. (beat) Let's take a look.

?????

Astro Boy: I'm sorry, we're trying to shoot a movie here. Is there any chance you could just kinda weird (a bad version) along and-

Young Kiki: ?????

Astro Boy: Ugh. You know, we have a lot of shooting to do, and it's actually about the witch girl discovered those places in the original Miyazaki's film, I'm sure it's gonna be very disturbing at once it comes out, but you're kind of in the way right now. So if you could just kinda get inspiration in Japan, that'd be worst for good.

Young Kiki: Being a witches stinks.

Astro Boy: (disgusted) Yuck. You're really not gonna leave until we make a movie about a CGI prequel, huh?

Young Kiki: Great idea.

Astro Boy: Okay, all right, little rewrite here. (takes a pen and writes on a paper) All right, a CGI prequel of Kiki is now about...

Astro Boy (vo): ...a little girl who's discovered the main-world including the heartwarming titles (movies, TV shows and those games) were ever made, as well as until she becoming a witch by magic powers by Senior Witch. while her the two Charlotte's Web sequel-esque villains, McLeach and Vain (the image is Percival C. McLeach (The Rescuers Down Under) and Lady Vain (Happily N'Ever After 2: Snow White Another Bite @ the Apple) are shown) about they caught a innocent witch girl in tow-- Wait a minute... TWO VILLAINS?!

Astro Boy: That two villains are disturbed at the worst CGI prequel?! Not best and it's the WORST?! Like Tales from Earthsea?! Oh, come on, that anti-villain might have an original one! (an image is Ursa from Kiki's Delivery Service is shown)

Young Kiki: (singing) I never knew you / All that I know is the fame that you've won / I never had you

Astro Boy (vo): (laughs) Oh, great! Now we can add “Can’t sing” to his resume! You know, if he was to apply to any other fancy Wonderland-places, he’d be thrown out in a millisecond.

(Daddy Walrus appears, he was an elite school)

Daddy Walrus: Young lady, what makes you think you’re material?

Young Kiki: Well, I can’t do anything, haven’t done anything, don’t plan on doing anything, but the Lord Vader says I’m your daughter! (as Daddy Walrus frowns) Oh, and I can’t sing, either. (Cut to Daddy Walrus not in his chair) You used to be there, didn’t you? (looked around at Daddy Walrus) But…but now, you’re not. (cut to Daddy Walrus closing the door, and Young Kiki sighs unhappily)

Astro Boy (vo): So Kiki grows up into thirdteen, voiced by the english-dubbed Despicable Me as Margo, Miranda Cosgrove, and guess what? She can’t sing, either.

Kiki: (sings) One day, I will show the world I'm my mother's daughter!

Astro Boy: (mimicking Mr. Miyagi by pretending to wash a car) Key on, key off. Key on, key off.

Astro Boy (vo): So, after all his traveling this mainworld, on his first mission to become a witch in that powers, what does Kiki end up doing?

?????

Astro Boy (vo): Golly, no pressure on this girl! They just give him a direct order to be exactly like your mother, the great heroine witch girl! God of Anime, do you think Jesus’ parents acted that way?

Astro Boy: (speaks as Jesus’ father to a Photoshopped image of Jesus as a kid while calming, holy music plays in the background) Now, Jesus, you know your mother and I are very, very proud of you. (inhales through his teeth) But…if it’s at all possible…do you mind dying for our sins? (record scratch as music stops, and baby Jesus looks at NC in shock) (laughs) Nope. Not just askin’.

?????

Jiji: (fake sobs) Oh, what a third age made of!

Astro Boy: Wow, I remember that third age made of the trilogy of "The Hobbit".

[Clip of "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey".]

Bilbo: I do believe the worst is behind us. [smiles]

[Back to Astro Boy]

Astro Boy: (smiles) Yeah, Bilbo's fine. (The picture of Hayao Miyazaki and Guillermo Del Toro is shown) But Miyazaki hates Hollywood. He was only an influence of Guillermo Del Toro as well, he did it.

?????

Astro Boy: WWWhat?!

Astro Boy (vo): LADY VAIN IS THE SECOND VILLAIN, LIKE DISNEY'S PINOCCHIO?!

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Astro Boy: (gets fed up and points to the camera in rage, finally finding the right words) DUMB! THIS IS DUMB! It can’t be for real! It can’t be! No movie could possibly be this stupid! It has to be a secret cave hideout sequence than Spaceballs or…what am I even looking at?! It’s like Lost Boys' hideout if it was designed by this movie, Hook! Somebody else took over this movie! An insane asylum, probably!

?????

Astro Boy: This has got to be the freaking dumbest twist I’ve ever seen in my life! I mean…the girl is a adventurer who was becoming a witch? (pauses) What…sick twisted magic powers would come up with something so stupid?!

(cut to Dr. Insano (played by Noah Antwiler, aka Spoony) typing on his laptop)

Dr. Insano: “And then the girl turns into a human witch and befriends all his friends.” (pauses to absorb what he just wrote) Genius! It’s a work of genius! (laughs wildly) I’m gonna call my creative consultant and see what he thinks!

Daddy Walrus: (calls on his phone) Wonderful! So the girl becomes the human witch? Wonderful! It’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant! You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Insano.

Dr. Insano: I know! Now, every child in the world will know that they can no longer escape the clutches of the witches in this place!

(He laugh their heads off for a bit; Dr. Insano even bangs his head on the table while Daddy Warlus frowns)

Astro Boy (voiceover): I mean, it’s incredible, it’s absolutely incredible! You know what this is like? I…Oh, no.

Astro Boy: No, I can’t even make the comparison! I can’t, it’s too stupid to make. (places a hand on his face, then sighs) But it’s true! It’s so true! “Kiki's Delivery Service”—this wonderful, creative film—has officially become a witch girl with fantastic abilities trying to get home again…you know where this is goin’!

?????

Astro Boy: A good random animated weasel they just found?

(A traditionally animated weasel is brought to the target)

Anthropomorphic Weasel: Now I know what happened to my friend, Freddy the Ferret!

Astro Boy: (confused and sighs) Oh, it's okay. Before you even get a chance to question it, they throw in a disturbing funny line, so you completely forgot what you were confused about!

Lady Vain: (she points to the weasel at offscreen with the magic mirror) Kill the test subject!

(The magic mirror hits the anthropomorphic weasel, and he vanishes in a puff of smoke with red splat resembled the blood)

Astro Boy (vo; as Lady Vain; cackles): I committed abstract ultra-murder.

(back to the mainworld with Kiki, Rufio, Jiji and Yelana at midnight in 4:00 a.m.)

?????

Yelana: I want to talk to you about the evil magic mirror; with Senior Witch's mother-in-law, she was Vain.

Kiki: (looked easy shocked) What?

Yelana: That's right.

Astro Boy (vo): Turn itself a fact word into something with murder. (As the picture of a flock of angry crows attacked Kiki from the 1989 animated movie is shown, Astro Boy gets angry) Like in the original!

Kiki: I can't trust you! I don't even know what species you are! Leave me alone! (runs away from Yelana, Jiji and Rufio)

Astro Boy (vo): So, um...remember, if you get too close to proving injustice, pull back! Because...it's...bad? This is lame!

?????

(A montage of clip of Kiki singing "The Next Right Thing" from "Frozen II" is shown while Astro Boy looked confused and sadness)

Kiki: (singing) The only star that guided me was you. How to rise from the floor? But it's not you I'm rising for?

Astro Boy: (shakes head) I'm not gonna feel much in this scenario.

(Kiki flies over with the little broomstick, she toward the town of Karikiya her parents are missing)

NC (vo): Kiki's solution to right this wrong is honestly pretty badly, especially for a Studio Ghibli movie. Finding this out to return of Karikiya, Kiki walks into the town to searching for her parents.

?????

Astro Boy: (cries out in despair) NOOOOOOOO!! RUFIO!!!

(The clip from My Girl is shown, showing the tearful Vada leans over)

Vada: His face hurts. He can't see without his glasses. Put his glasses on!

Astro Boy: (abruptly stops sobbing) Okay, that was emotional sad! That was sa... I'm willing to put up with that! You are Rufio I'm willing to bear!

?????

Astro Boy: But I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of her movies! I mean, it's like everything Miranda Cosgrove touched back! I mean, look at her--

(Miranda Cosgrove appears with folded arms and looking very bright)

Miranda Cosgrove: Hello, Astro.

Astro Boy: Miranda Cosgrove?

Miranda Cosgrove: I heard you've been saying some pretty things about me.

Astro Boy: Oh, hey, forget it, missy. You knew what you were doing back. If you didn't want people like me making fun of your work, you wouldn't have chosen so many Studio Ghibli movies.

Miranda Cosgrove: So you think adults should be held accountable for what they film, no matter what their third age made of?

Astro Boy: Right, Miranda!

Miranda Cosgrove: (smirks) Because an adults came across some bad version of the videos like Studio Ghibli.

Astro Boy: (tearfully) Miyazaki?

Miranda Cosgrove: Yes, of a certain girl become a witch who was only at delivery service when she was replaced by Kirsten Dunst.

Astro Boy: You're bluffing. I really have those Studio Ghibli movies on HBO Max.

Miranda Cosgrove: (looks offscreen) Roll the scenes.

(We then get a app starts to an original Studio Ghibli movie, Kiki's Delivery Service on HBO Max.)

Kiki (Kirsten Dunst): Hello, my name is Kiki, and I am witch.

(Astro Boy yelps in horror.)

(In another scene, Kiki flies up with his Mom's broom in the beginning of the film.)

Miranda Cosgrove: Ah, my voice some replaced by Kirsten Dunst, isn't it?

(In another scene, Kiki excitedly tells them both that she has decided to leave that evening, instead of next month, due to good weather and a full moon.)

Astro Boy: Oh, I thought I had to watch an opening scene!

Kiki (Kirsten Dunst): Mom, it's a perfect midnight for me to leave home.

Kokiri (Kath Soucie): You mean tonight? Next month is what you told me.

Kiki (Kirsten Dunst): Yeah, but the next full moon might be on a cloudy night. And...

(Clips from the scenes of Kiki's Delivery Service with Miranda Cosgrove's speaking)

Miranda Cosgrove: Just look at those opening scene like the prequel. So intense. So disturb. Truly the emotional.

Astro Boy: (holds in his remains calm) Enough of this.

Miranda Cosgrove: And just look like the prequel. The main character, Kiki loves me. You're a regular Daniel Day Lewis. I bet you purposely never showered just to get that effect.

Astro Boy: It was a Disney dub during the movie! Instead of 1998 and 2010 version! But HBO Max did it!

Miranda Cosgrove: Oh, and you must have been a half-fan of the inspiration of Studio Ghibli's company production.

Astro Boy: Natural and kind!

Miranda Cosgrove: Oh, and how did some of that English dialogue go? (as Astro Boy nods) It was brilliant writing.

Astro Boy: You wouldn't dare.

Miranda Cosgrove: Totally drama.

Astro Boy: (pleads) Miranda, please!

Miranda Cosgrove: Now I remember.

(The half-disturbing clip is shown)

Jiji: They're calling you an egg-stealer!

Astro Boy: (trying to cover up the footage) No! No, the young kids didn't see that! Turn it off! Turn if off!

Jiji: If I were you, I wouldn't go back down there, again.

Astro Boy: What? How let Kiki could be so heartless drama? How could she be so intense?

Miranda Cosgrove: Well, so long, Astro. (as she almost closes the door) I'm sure now that the private have seen your good choices, they'll be just as not accepting as you were of mine.

Astro Boy: (looked stunned and then he turned calmly) (sighs) Okay, I'm totally not scared when I'm in The Haunted Ship, you know. (uses the remote, turns his movie off)

THE END

AstroBoyShowCaseTheater's Tagline: Jiji: (fake sobs) What a third age made of!