The simpsons: who really shot mr burns?/Transcript

(20th century fox logo from 2009-2020 plays)

* screen fades to black*

* a message appears*

narrator (nancy cartwright): this feature film, is produced with special help from gracie films and matt groening, whom which created the simpsons and futurama, this FACU entry is the MCU, but weird! enjoy the film! because the movie won't play itself.

spanish voice:¿Quién le disparó al Sr. Burns?

* screen fades to a blue sky background*

choir: *singing* the simpsons!

homer; *singing* who shot mr burns? i wanna know!

* springfield is shown and zoomed into springfield elementary.*

* bart writes " YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A CAR, YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A PURSE, PIRACY IS STEALING" on the chalkboard and as he does, he hears the bell ring and rides his skateboard*

* meanwhile in music class, there's a choir and Lisa leaves the class while playing baby by justin beiber on her saxaphone*

* marge drives her car while maggie pretends to drive*

* homer is sitting watching the simpsons movie.*

* the tv shows a scene from the simpsons movie*

homer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH! damn! this film was our own franchise!

* marge angrily stares at him*

marge: homie! we are waiting for the couch gag! you were meant to be at the nuclear factory! i mean, it's an animated family tradition to perform the theme song in front of a tv audience.

homer: but we're real life now! you know what! FORGET IT!

* homer walks angrily*

* the scene cuts to homer outside his house*

ned: homer! you feel down, just pray to god and a miracle will-

homer: no! what if i don't want to! it's just that! bland tradition! we do that every day! why don't you get one flanders?

ned: because i'm not the main protagonist! you are!

homer: now i wish i wasn't...HHMPH!

* ned looks confused*

ned: homer? hello? can i get an amen? homer?.... nevermind

* ned waters his plants with a sprinkler*

* the scene cuts to bart and millhouse hanging out near kwik-e mart*

bart: oh millhouse! i'm sorry i didn't come for your top secret event. we had to do our freakin' intro!

millhouse: it's okay! i understand, how about we gorge our faces with m&ms?

bart: BUTTERFINGERS!

millhouse: or butterfingers

* both enter to kwik-E mart and choose candy*

bart: twizzlers, wonka bars, skittles, tiddlywinks, aha! butterfingers, nobody better lay a finger on my butterfinger!

* two ladies walk in*

lady 1: kid! pass me the butterfinger *she points*

bart: no way jose!

lady 1: oh no you don't OMG that's so like damn stupid! bestie! could you help me!

lady 2: idk what to totally do but i will like do it.

* lady 2 chases bart*

bart: no i'm taking the whole box!

* bart runs as fast as possible*

bart: i have to prank her! i'm gonna check! gum, no, gum? aha!

* bart chews gum and puts it on the floors*

* lady 2 gets trapped and tries to get out*

lady 2: help! i'm stuck! bestie, idk what to like do!

* she tries to take her high heels off but her heels won't come off*

lady 2: crap! i guess i'm spending my date with chris here!

* the scene cuts to bart, millhouse and apu at the checkout*

apu: so you want all these candy bars?

bart: positive!

apu: ten dollars!

* bart gives apu ten dollars and a chewed up piece of gum*

apu: thank you- AAAAAAAH!!! my hand! it's covered! in a sticky substance! oh! no!

millhouse: you didn't need to do that bart.

bart: no i didn't, but i did it anyway""*nelson appears and throws a stink bomb at bart*

nelson: haha! better take a shower stink fart simpson!

bart: nelson!!!! i'm gonna get my revenge! just after i eat my box o' butterfingers

* bart eats his butterfinger*

millhouse: any for me?

* the scene cuts to lisa doing her homework*

lisa: i know most of this! x=7, what is linear, this math homework would be a piece of pi.

* marge comes in*

marge: lisa honey, just letting you know that dinner will be ready in 10 minutes

lisa: thanks for telling me, but i'm doing math homework.

marge: welp, i'll leave you with it, but i will call you when it's ready.

* marge closes the door and goes up to homer*

homer: hey margerine.

marge: homer? i'm not margerine, it's marge!

homer: i'm sorry, i keep thinking of food... mmm... food... deep fried...

marge: homer, i know, but dinner will be ready soon.. remember, we're a happy nuclear family, you may strangle bart but in the end, we're one big family having fun. *kisses homer*

homer: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than d'oh.

* usa flag appears*

homer: today's the day, no more play doh, no doh, no cookie doh, no toe, i ain't no d'oh jammer, i ain't no body, i'm home, homer simpson, i, homer of springfield.

* tv plays the news*

man anchorman: breaking news! the who shot mr burns mystery, is currently being solved!

* a picture of mr scam appears*

an american 60 year old man named mr scam is currently, solving the mystery in his private HQ, now we will know for sure who really shot the antagonist of the simpsons. here's a report from nancy cartwright

nancy: today, the mystery will be solved, not sure if it will but it might! so i'm gonna go and show you, yes you! how it's done!

mr scam: voice actress for bart, i'm sleeping! GET THE HELL OUT!

nancy: ok ok!

* mr scam throws water balloons at nancy*

* nancy runs screaming*

man anchorman: thank you nancy, and if you find the mystery yourself, let god know, you're doing a miracle. now time for daniel jeong with the weather.

* homer turns tv off*

homer: what a load of bullcrap- hey! oh my gosh! i'd better, oh my god, oh my goodness, i'd better tell my family the good news! the fresh news!

marge: homer, kids, dinner, hot meal, come and get it! before it gets icy cold!

homer: coming! *tries to get up but fails*

* scene cuts to mr scam and sierra scottie at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant*

mr scam: hmmm...okay..neat-O, neat.

sierra: what are you looking at mr scam?

mr scam: i don't know, probably some footprints or fingerprints or flipperprints-

sierra: okay okay! i get it scam! just don't mumble words when finding clues, it's annoying to me.

mr scam: *whispering* i don't wanna listen to you.

mr burns: well well well, tresspassers!

mr scam: you're alive? mr burns?

mr burns: i came out flopping like a fish, but maybe, maybe i will shoot you two, MWAHAHAHAHA!

mr scam: the only thing we can do now is PANIC!

* mr scam and sierra run screaming*

mr burns: don't you ever tresspass on someone's private property, you fools.

* mr burns reads a note from mr scam that he dropped on the floor*

* it zooms in onto the note*

* footprints sometimes lack evidence remember that.*

* the scene cuts to the family having dinner together*

homer: can i go to NBC news, for the report on mr burns?

marge: no! dinner is quality family time.

homer: family schmamily, i don't need them. i'm finished anyway.

* homer walks to the tv and pops open a duff beer*

marge: something's odd

lisa: should we tell him?

bart: no, let his crayon brain decide!

homer: WHY YOU LITTLE-*strangles bart*

marge: homer! stop! you keep doing that, we're breaking up! you're gonna kill him, geez louise.

bart: okay okay! i'm sorry, i'll give you 100 dollars! yes just for you! dad! i beg you!

marge: leave homer alone, i understand him, you don't why you little-*strangles bart*

lisa: aw YOU PARENTS COME ON! how many times, i'm a vegetarian. why did you put meatloaf on my plate?

maggie: hmm..*sucks on lollipop* well, i guess widdle lisa is sad wight?

* scene cuts to homer and marge sleeping, homer suddenly wakes up*

homer: i think i'm going to sneak downstairs, turn on the tv and watch ABC news, since fox news is terrible.

* homer sneaks downstairs*

* homer turns on the tv*

news anchorman: breaking *yawn* news everyone and welcome to the midnight-DO I HAVE TO DO THIS? anyways, on tonights story, a note from mr scam has been found.

homer: what? i'd better see

news anchorman: it says "footprints sometimes lack evidence remember that."

now, it's time for a commercial break.

homer: footprints sometimes lack evidence remember that. footprints sometimes lack evidence remember that? i'm gonna call mr scam right now!

* phone rings*

homer: hello? hmm n? yeah? oh my? yeah? guess what. i've found your note, i know right, aw shucks, oh yeah, see you there, bye!

marge: who was you talking to, it's 1 in the morning.

homer: nobody..uh...yeah nobody

marge: don't say it's mr scam.

homer: how did you know?

marge: i read all about him a few weeks ago...

homer: no way!

homer: i guess i'm not the only one to know about mr scam then.

* the next day title card appears*

* the scene cuts to the family meeting mr scam*

mr scam: nice to meet you *shakes hands with homer*

homer: nice to meet you too mr scam.

lisa: so called "mr scam" why are we here anyway?

mr scam: because together, we're going to solve the mystery for someone called mr burns. i'm currently solving the mystery on who solved mr burns, and i need you, yes you. your show is popular, correct?

homer: yea-wait what?

mr scam: what i'm trying to say is well... basically most people know you guys in this town, and today is your lucky day. so i chose you guys, via phone call and one cent

homer: one cent? *digs through his back pocket* here's one cent sir.

mr scam: good! now! let's start our journey

* scene cuts to mr burns in his office spying on the simpsons with his iphone*

mr burns: who do we have here? it's the wonderful mr scam, and the simpsons, these two familiar faces aren't going anywhere. not on my watch! blinky, write my plan! N-O-W spells now! i mean it!

* blinky nods and gets out a piece of paper and a pen and starts writing and then hands it to mr burns*

mr burns: this plan! oh yes! it'll be a piece of apple pie, then i'll have the time to have a slice of cake. and then a million more cakes! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

* lightning strikes as he laughs*

* scene cuts to the family in mr scam's car*

homer: where are we going?

mr scam: well... adoy! to mr burn's office, where else? disneyland?

bart: *mockingly* WHERE ELSE, DISNEYLAND? eat my shorts.

mr scam: you want me to eat your shorts?

bart: no, no,no, not literally, that's just one of my catchphrases

mr scam: oh, welp, before we go to his office, we'll be heading to my office.

the simpsons: where?

mr scam: in london, luckily, this thing can sail, wanna listen to some music?

* mr scam brings out a cassette tape*

marge: why not? you can do whatever, just keep you eyes on the road.

mr scam: right! let's listen to Elton john

* don't go breaking my heart plays while they're driving*

* bart has a secret plan to put tickling powder on mr scam's feet*

bart: shoes come off, socks do too, add the power, it stinks like poo *he repeats this phrase until he put's the powder on mr scam's feet*

* bart runs back to his seat like nothing happened*

mr scam: HAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT TICKLES! STOP! HAHAHAHAHA! STOP!

* the car crashes*

* everyone's covered in ashes*

* bart grins*

bart: You’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake. *shows his teeth*

homer: WHY YOU LITTLE SON OF A-*strangles bart*

mr scam: don't worry i'll ring for backup, but i'll kill that yellow boy who wanted me to eat his shorts.

* scene cuts to the family and mr scam outside his car*

sierra scottie: and how did that happen?

mr scam: well.. i remember driving my car, and then some boy named bart put tickle powder on my feet. and kablam! the car went kablooey!

sierra scottie: oh dear. oh dear! mr scam! are you or the simpsons hurt in any way, shape, or form?

mr scam: nope!

homer: OW MY BACK!

mr scam: ignore him! he's alright.

sierra: i'll drive you to your office.

* meanwhile everyone is around springfield reading the news at moe's tavern*

moe: today is a busy night, i'd better get more beer for my clients! *pours a beer for barney*

moe: here it is barney, a duff for you!

barney: thanks moe, but i'm just here to read the news. it says that the simpsons and mr scam are finding out the life long mystery, who shot mr burns.

moe: hmm...neat.

krusty: yeah right, he wasn't dead, he just flopped back to life like a madman! sick am i right?

chief clancy: i was gonna go and solve the mystery with my folks, but i've never ever solved it, not one try! it's just difficult, only the true someone who shot him knows that!

seymour: clancy! i need to talk about ralph, your son. he's doing terrible, he has been vandalising the school writing his school report on his family on the school building!

clancy: Dun dun dun! welp, i've finished and i'm going, adios!

* chief clancy leaves quietly*

comic book guy: gee wiz! i might make a comic about this. with the protagonist *gasp* akira tanaka, i'm gonna anime-ify it!

smithers: *sips his beer* i don't work for him, no, at least, i don't know if i do, but nope! no no no!

* everyone stares at him*
 * scene cuts to the simpsons entering mr scam's office in london*

homer: is mr bean gonna be there?

mr scam: what no? not that comedy guy! and don't expect james bond or johnny english to be there either, because they're not here!

chief david portland: sorry! i cannot let any unauthorised- hey! mr scam! nice to meet you! and who's this a$$hole? is that homer, homer the a$$hole?

mr scam: yes, that's homer the man! and that's marge, that's brat! that's lisa and that's maggie!

chief david portland: you are free to go in then, *drinks out of a juice carton and faces the audience saying*

cheif david: don't ask!

* scene cuts to homer, marge, bart, lisa, and maggie walking with mr scam and sierra scottie walking to the office*

homer: mmmm..... pictures of ladies, ladies with their bits!

mr scam: no-no, they're uhh just drawings of them! and models.

homer: D'oh!

* bart sees apu.*

bart: apu! what are you doing here?

* apu takes bart away.*

apu: bart, this isn't easy for me. but i shot him, don't tell anyone. nobody at all, kapeesh?

bart: eat my shorts apu-HEY! HOW DID YOU GET THERE?

apu: uh... i'm gonna go back to springfield now.

* apu walks away*

bart: this gives me an idea, wait! eureka! i'm going to...

mr scam: oh there you were bart, we was looking for you for 10 seconds. come along boy!

bart: ay caramba! you found me! NO! *runs off while bird is a word plays*

* everyone starts running*

sierra: since i'm here i'm gonna tell you about where we're gonna go first, let's go back to springfield and-KATY PERRY!

* a katy perry poster passes her.*

sierra: oh where was I? oh yeah, let's go back to springfield and solve the mystery right- Happy's Pizza VOUCHER!

* sierra grabs a Happy's Pizza voucher but bart snatches it from her*

bart: *singing* no more Happy's Pizza HALLELUJAH no more deals for you HALLELUJAH

mr scam: no boy don't bombard sierra!

* bart grabs a water gun*

bart: say goodnight!

homer: oh no you-AAAAAAAAAA

* homer and marge fall down and get trapped in an arena of windows*

homer: where are we?

marge: it seems we're in an arena full of windows....neat. *does push ups*

homer: how is that gonna solve anything?

marge: it's simple, all you gotta do, is do some pushups.

homer: but it's crappy! i can't do it!

marge: you can! you know what, i'll show you!

* marge shows homer how to do pushups*

homer: i'll see if i can *attempts doing pushups*

homer: *sweats* no, i'm stupid, stupid like-

marge: no don't say that! you're a loving man! you could do anything, even if you just laze about doing nothing.

homer: well i could try...*homer does push ups*

* a window slowly opens*

marge: *points* homer look! i can see a window opening, we'll be home free!

homer: i need a rest

marge: no! never say that! ever! keep going and it will open!

homer: *does pushups* well...lookie here! i guess i'm not junk after all!

* a window opens*

* both homer and marge run out of here*

* scene cuts to the simpsons in mr scam's office*

mr scam: so homer and marge, you did the first task?

homer and marge: YES!

mr scam: then i will give you the first clue, they are thin and could easily sneak through a window.

homer: hmm...mr burns! he shot mr burns

marge: homie! don't be stupid, this isn't the time to joke around!

mr scam: listen to your wife homer, anyways, your children will now do the 2nd task.

bart: yeah, as if we're gonna care-wait-what-

* both bart and lisa scream as they fly off their chairs*

* both fall into a hall of carboad cutouts*

bart: wait! where are we?

lisa: according to my cauculation, we're in a room of people!

bart: *pokes a cardboard cutout of a microwave* ooh right.

lisa: and it seems we must look for the someone who shot mr burns, it could be any human.

bart: I'll pie them!

lisa: i don't think that a good idea-*gets a pie thrown at her and her face is covered in applesauce*

lisa: okay then.

* bart goes on a spree throwing pies for 2 minutes*

bart: i'll throw one at mcugly, buttpoop, crappants, stinkytoo, stevie burns, stewie turns, bender and toogood, toogoodyshoes too! You seem familiar, have I threatened you before? oh yes it's apu i know now. this cardboard cutout huh? Fool me once, I’m gonna kill you.

lisa: wait big brother you're going too far, don't throw too much apple pies i want one!

bart: nope younger sister, all for me, and all for me to throw, bad luck sis

lisa: BAAAAAAAAAAAART!

lisa: i had it! i'm coming with you!

* lisa chases bart as he throws pies*

lisa: that's enough! bart! your pie time is over!

bart: so is yours doofus.

* song begins: one firefly*

lisa: bart wait! you can't go on like this, these cutouts were probably expensive, don't destroy these, as they're pretty. *singing* i'd like to see the mountain tops- no crap cutout ones, i wanna fly in the sky, i'm one firefly. i'd like to see the mountain tops- no crap cutout ones, i wanna fly in the sky, i'm one firely.

bart: *speaking* what's happening?

lisa:*speaking* i think we're sorting out the clue

lisa: *singing* one, someday, i was flying in the sky with my family, i wanna go again, wings like a butterfly, my family loved me right and i-i loved my part.

and one day if i ever see them again. i will start to sing this and then..

bart: *singing* i wanna crack my knuckles and then.

lisa: *singing* bart don't ruin this moment! (bart: *speaking*: well then)

* the background turns into the night sky with fireflies*

both bart and lisa: *singing* * i'd like to see the mountain tops- no crap cutout ones, i wanna fly in the sky, i'm one firefly. i'd like to see the mountain tops- no crap cutout ones, i wanna fly in the sky, i'm one firefly. * i'd like to see the mountain tops- no crap cutout ones, i wanna fly in the sky, i'm one firefly. i'd like to see the mountain tops- no crap cutout ones, i wanna fly in the sky, i'm one firefly.

and we'll go to distant lands, and we will not look back, keep forward and we'll see, if you are with me... you are with me

lisa: *singing* i will, i will not look back not today!

bart: *singing* i won't i won't go home just yet.

both: *singing* tomorrow night, i will fly again, but that will have to wait because i'll have to go by now.....oooh... i'll have to go by now....

* song ends*

lisa: see, it's easy, we'll solve the mystery-ooh look, the clue says:

* scene cuts to mr scam in his office*

mr scam: so you two did task 2?

* both bart and lisa nod*

mr scam: good! cool! perfecto! it says, they have no hair, and black colored eyes. who is it? hopefully not homer...

homer: no no. not me!

sierra: mr scam, are you sure it's him? i mean, what if it isn't?

mr scam: go home sierra!

mr scam: and for you maggie...

maggie: *sucks lollipop* yes?

mr scam: c'mon over!

* maggie gets thrown to a secret room*

* the family gasps*

homer: is he evil?

marge: very likely

mr scam: me no-wait!

* scene cuts to maggie in an empty preschool*

mr scam *voice only*: well well well, maggie, looks like there's no escape! today is your first day of preschool. you have a lot to learn, so you better do preschool work, but don't worry, you're not alone.

* a shadow is seen walking *""*Xavier the itchy and scratchy guy is shown to be the shadow*

xavier: hi! i'm Xavier the itchy and scratchy guy huge fan of the show itchy and scratchy.

mr scam: well you see, that show is too violent for kids, and for that, you have to stop watching it.

maggie: i don't reawwy watch that but okay.

xavier: no! not even in my death, anything but itchy and scratchy! *cries*

* maggie slaps xavier in the face*

xavier: oh-toddler, you're strong, and for that, let's sing a song and it goes like this.

* xavier sings the itchy and scratchy song*

xavier *singing*: They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite, fight fight fight, bite bite bite THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY SHOW, his name is itchy, (itchy) he's very cheeky (cheeky) he wants to kill scratchy (scratch me) because he wants to kill all the cats on earth. (and cats really do bite!!!)

so they tried to love and share, and love and share and share, love love love, share share share, BUT THAT DIDN'T solve anything!

so they


 * They fought and bit,
 * They fought and fought and bit,
 * Fought fought fought, bit bit bit,
 * It was The Itchy & Scratchy Show
 * but wait! what about the weird, it got weirder....so they tried to fight and bite more harder!! *the preschool turns into a theater with itchy and scratchy clones as the backup dancers while xavier rips his itchy and scratchy t shirt to reveal a tuxedo*
 * xavier: *singing*
 * They fought for years,
 * With guns and garden shears,
 * Years, years, years, and tears, tears, tears,
 * as they fought and bit, loved and share, here, there, everywhere!
 * everybody, loves...............
 * THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY SHOW!
 * *song ends*
 * maggie: *claps* woo! you'we the best xaviwer! ooh a cwue!
 * maggie reads the clue with her paper*
 * maggie: i guess i'm fwee to leave!
 * scene cuts to mr scam in his office*
 * mr scam: so you did the final clue?
 * homer: there's a final clue?
 * mr scam: indeed! now i bet they'll be no further interuptions
 * bart: BOOO YOU STINK! mr scam: I SAID   they'll be no further interuptions! i HATE LIFE!
 * mr burns knocks on the door.*
 * homer: it's him, the mr.
 * mr scam: mr who? i wasn't paying attention
 * homer: it's mr burns!
 * mr burns: why yes!
 * everyone but mr burns gasps*
 * mr burns: o' bart we meet again!
 * bart: i've met?
 * lisa: you've met?
 * mr burns: yes, it was a long time ago!
 * now lemme say this: *singing* FLASHBACK TIME!  *scene cuts to a park setting, and bart is doing stunts on his skateboard*
 * mr burns walks close to bart*
 * mr burns: would you like some CaNdY? many flavors, many types, mmmm delicious *rubs his stomach*
 * bart's eyes shine but then he looks comfused*
 * bart: I-I don't know Y-You L-Look evil.
 * mr burns: me? evil? no! i'm not evil, not at all, i'm the friendliest on earth, mr burns nice to meet ya? wanna get in my van? *shakes hands with bart but bart shakes off*
 * bart: wait, you're a kidnapper? *runs screaming*
 * mr burns: hello? hello? young boy? i know where you live!
 * end of flashback*
 * scene cuts to mr burns, the simpsons and mr scam in the office*
 * bart: we met in a park? ay caramba man!
 * mr burns: you're a coward, always, so his mr scam and the simpsons.
 * mr scam: no! no you never! i have no choice,
 * mr burns: neither do i, HEY SMITHERS! COME AND ASSIST ME! *smithers walk out wearing nothing but a towel*
 * smithers: yes sir?
 * mr burns: finish them! smithers: but-
 * bart's eyes shine but then he looks comfused*
 * bart: I-I don't know Y-You L-Look evil.
 * mr burns: me? evil? no! i'm not evil, not at all, i'm the friendliest on earth, mr burns nice to meet ya? wanna get in my van? *shakes hands with bart but bart shakes off*
 * bart: wait, you're a kidnapper? *runs screaming*
 * mr burns: hello? hello? young boy? i know where you live!
 * end of flashback*
 * scene cuts to mr burns, the simpsons and mr scam in the office*
 * bart: we met in a park? ay caramba man!
 * mr burns: you're a coward, always, so his mr scam and the simpsons.
 * mr scam: no! no you never! i have no choice,
 * mr burns: neither do i, HEY SMITHERS! COME AND ASSIST ME! *smithers walk out wearing nothing but a towel*
 * smithers: yes sir?
 * mr burns: finish them! smithers: but-
 * mr burns: neither do i, HEY SMITHERS! COME AND ASSIST ME! *smithers walk out wearing nothing but a towel*
 * smithers: yes sir?
 * mr burns: finish them! smithers: but-