Jay and Silent Bob Into the Crossverse

Jay and Silent Bob Into the Crossverse is a live-action/animated comedy crossover film.

Cast

 * Jay and Silent Bob
 * Vanessa
 * Chief Norman Malone
 * Dudley Duncan/Dr. Ditto
 * Jawsaw
 * Punch
 * Tarantula
 * Mirena
 * Werebbids

Transcript
View Askewniverse

9:00 PM

A toon rabbit is watching TV and drinking a beer. There's a shadow lurking around the house, and then the toon rabbit thinks he hears someone and turns around to look out the window. He doesn't see anything so shrugs his shoulders and goes back to watching his show. Then, a hooded figure breaks in and attacks the toon rabbit.

Six weeks later

A bird is flying peacefully through the sky and hits on the sign saying "Welcome to Ficville". It fades to Jay and Silent Bob selling weed at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Jay: You wanna get hiiigh? Come see your pals Jay and Silent Bob! Only $20 to party. *to Silent Bob* I gotta feeling this would be a good place, Silent Bob. We'll be raking in the dough.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Otto: *walks up* Hey, Otto needs to get blotto.

Jay: You've come to the right place. $20.

Otto: Sweet! *hands him $20*

Jay: *hands him a bag of weed*

Otto: Pleasure doing business, man.

Jay: See ya next time.

Otto: *leaves*

Stewie and Brian: *goes into the Kwik-E-Mart to get a Squishee*

Apu: Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.

Stewie: Uh, welcome to America?

Apu: Thank you! I like America!

Brian: Why you gotta do that?

Stewie: Do what?

Brian: You know what I'm talking about. You see someone from a foreign country and treat them like they are fresh-off-the-boat.

Stewie: Why do you have to be sensitive, man? I was just welcoming him to our country.

Brian: You're being a jerk and you know it.

Stewie: Whatever, man. Let's just get our Squishees. *to Apu* Two Squishees please.

Apu: *makes the Squishees*

Stewie: *pays*

Apu: Thank you! Come again.

Stewie and Brian: *leaves the store*

Jay: We're gonna get rich!

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jay: We're gonna sell so much weed here, make so much money, before you know it, we'll be livin' a life always dream of, Silent Bob. I'm getting hungry, and I know you wanna eat, tubby bitch.

Silent Bob: *gives Jay a look*

Bob's Burgers

Jay and Silent Bob walk into Bob's Burgers and sit down at the counter.

Linda: Hi there, welcome to Bob's Burgers!

Jay: My large friend's name is Bob. Did we get a discount?

Linda: Oh, a fellow Bob! How nice. Sorry, we don't offer a Bob discount, but maybe I sneak a extra fries on your plate. What can I get for the two of you?

Jay: *looks at Silent Bob*

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jay: Two burgers of the day and two sodas.

The duo sit and wait for their food.

Linda: Are you new in town? I don't think I've seen you before.

Jay: Yeah, me and Silent Bob here traveling for our business.

Linda: What business is that?

Jay: Pharmaceutical sales.

Linda: Oh, that sounds exciting!

The News turned on.

Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Authorities are still investigating the murder of Bert Bunny. If anyone has any information about this crime, please call the tip hotline.

Bert Bunny's residence

It has crime scene tape across the door, and reporters are waiting outside. Inside, the police are inspecting Bert Bunny's body.

Chief Wiggum: A sick individual did this.

Joe: Strangling a rabbit with his own ears. I've never seen anything like it.

Dudley: How did we know he didn't kill himself?

Carter: 'Cause he strangled him with his own ears, you moron!

Dudley: You don't have be so mean about it.

Carter: You know you have to be so stupid.

Joe: That's enough of that. We're here to solve a crime.

Carter: Yeah, I know that's why we're here! I'm a cop too!

Joe: Well, let's look at the evidence.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say.

They look for fingerprints and signs of forced entry. They also look for trace evidence. They caught Ralph eating fingerprint dust.

Ralph: This pixy stix is disgusting.

Dudley: Who is that idiot and how did he get in this crime scene?

Officer Barbrady: Who let that kid in here?

Chief Wiggum: That idiot is my son! I mean, that kid is my son! Ralphie, how did you get in here? You shouldn't be here.

Ralph: My tummy hurts.

Joe: Go take care of your kid, Wiggum, we'll take it from here.

Meanwhile

Jay and Silent Bob are walking around town.

Jay: That burger was amazing, Silent Bob. Now you what we need? We need to go find some hot girls to hook up with.

Silent Bob: *nods in agreement*

Beavis and Butt-Head overhear Jay talking to Silent Bob.

Butt-Head: Those guys are looking for hot girls. We should follow them and try to score!

Beavis: Yeah, good idea!

Beavis and Butt-Head: *follows Jay and Silent Bob*

Jay and Silent Bob: *stop and turn to look at Beavis and Butt-Head*

Jay: Are you two following us?

Butt-Head: No.

Beavis: Yes.

Jay: Which is it? Yes or no?

Butt-Head: Maybe we just happen to be in the same direction.

Jay: In which direction is that?

Beavis: The direction of the hot girls. We wanna score! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Jay: Silent Bob and I can respect that. That's what we're trying to do.

They continue to walk at the same direction and walk into a strip club, and see men and women stripping.

Butt-Head: *sees a naked woman* Come to Butt-Head.

Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna score!

Jay: What are you two stupid or something? This is a strip club, not a whorehouse.

Butt-Head: Uhhh, oh yeah, but there's a lot of horny women here. You see those chicks watching the male dancers? We just got to wait.

Jay: You know what? That's a pretty solid plan.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Hm hm heh.

Coffee Shop

The four are seated in the coffee shop, complaining in disappointment of not scoring.

Jay: That was fucking ridiculous.

Beavis: Yeah, it was lame.

Butt-Head: That sucked.

Jay: I mean, I didn't want any of these chicks anyway.

Silent Bob: *nods in solidarity*

Beavis: Um, but like, are we still gonna try to score?

Butt-Head: We score all the time, it's okay if we don't for one night.

Beavis: What are you-

Butt-Head: *punches him in the throat*

Dr. Ditto is sitting at the mirror by a table, sketching evil plans and drinking cappucino.

Dr. Ditto: *mumbling to himself* Oh Ditto, you're a genius. This will be your best plan yet.

Jay: *notices Dr. Ditto* Is that crazy fucker talking to himself?

Silent Bob: *shrugs his shoulders*

Butt-Head: Uhhh, he's definitely talking to himself.

Jay: Let's wipe our fingerprints off of everything and get out of here.

Jay, Silent Bob, Beavis and Butt-Head: *leaves the coffee shop*

Dr. Ditto: You've done it again, Ditto. You're a genius.

Urkel: *trips and knocks the table over, spilling the cappucino* Did I do that?

Dr. Ditto: YOU IMBECILE!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!

Urkel: Now, now, no need to get so upset. I'll get you another coffee.

Dr. Ditto: IT WAS A CAPPUCINO!!!!! JAWSAW!!

Jawsaw: *stands behind Urkel*

Urkel: *sees Jawsaw* Oh, I hear my mom is calling me! It was nice meeting you! *backs away out of the coffee shop*

Dr. Ditto: Apprehend that weasel!!!

Jawsaw: Yes sir. *runs after Urkel*

Dr. Ditto: When do they ever learn? Well, I'll show them how they even come to be. I, Dr. Ditto, genius extraordinaire, evil mastermind, devilishly handsome, and cynically hilarious, vows to continue my quest to create mockbusters. The world will know the name Dr. Ditto! *laughs maniacally*

Ficville Police Agency

Some cops are setting at desks, some walking around, some standing around chatting. Chief Malone tries get information on cases.

Chief Malone: What kind of updates do we have?

Drix: I should have reports on my cases to you within the hour.

Chief Malone: Thanks. What about the rest of you.

Chief Wiggum: Reports? *looks at Lou* What's he talking about?

Lou: You know the paperwork police officers do?

Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, I knew that. I was just making sure you knew that.

Eddie: Sure he did.

Lee: *runs through the door* I get my reports right here for you. *sets them down*

Chief Malone: *reads them* Strong work, Lee.

Dudley: What does it say? *reads them* Armed robbery? Who made armed robbery? Wait a second... *reads them again* Is that Snake Jailbird!? Why would a snake use armed robbery??

Kitty: He's definitely not a snake, Dudley. Snake's real name is Chester Turley.

Dudley: Is Chester a snake?

Kitty: NO!

The phone rings.

Desk Clerk: *answers the phone* This is Police Agency.

Female Anime: Help! Somebody is breaking into my house! You have to hurry!

Desk Clerk: We have a... break in progress. Who wants to take it?

Dudley, Kitty, Carter, Officer Barbrady: *raises their hands* I do!

Female Anime's House

The two police cars arrived in time and the four got out.

Kitty: Freeze!

Hooded Figure: *turns around*

Kitty: You are under arrest for breaking and entering

Carter: Put your hands where I can see them! Put them up!

Hooded Figure: *chuckles* Watashi wa shitakunai.

Carter: Wait, what? What did you say?

Kitty: Who are you?

Hooded Figure: Anata wa watashi o ninshiki shite iru to omoimasu.

The hooded figure took off his robe, revealing himself as a brown ninja named Tarantula.

Kitty: Tarantula!

Tarantula: Kitikyattsuu~eru. Nagaiai a tte imasendeshita ne.

Dudley: Oh great, it's one of lackeys.