Alice Through the Looking Glass (The Private Reviewer)

(the opening title begins and Private Reviewer sitting on this chair)

The Private Reviewer: Hello, I'm the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't. Oh, it's been hard. It's been an enchanted realm of watching these movies! But we're here. This is the first one! This is Alice Through the Looking Glass!

(the film's title is shown and montage of clips)

PR (v/o): It's only... usually... the first thing they think of is the Burbank version, and, yeah, actually, that's not such a good version to think of. I have a lot of people who told me to review this. Maybe, it is because I’ve praised the first one as an animated classic, and have even admitted it to being one of my favorite movies. The story of Alice in Wonderland was good, yet still had an element of wonder that makes it--what I consider--a masterpiece of animation. So, as you can imagine, (sighs) I’m not looking forward to this one. And who’s the star now? Alice? Oh, that kid that just got one line in the first film. What has he ever done, outside of…the title of the window? And it has not aged well with time. (shows clips from first film in 1988) The first film was better, but I gave it credit that at least it had some atmosphere, a decent pace, and a pretty cute little girl. This film...ugh, let's just get it over with...

PR: Let’s see what the damage is. I think I've lost them. Okay, look. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don't love this movie. I don't even like it, either. I think it's bad. How bad is it? Well, apparently, it wasn't even good enough to get a Blu-ray release. And that's not worth killing a girl over, is it? NOPE!

(PR gets up quickly, zipping up his black coat, grabbing his S.W.A.T. helmet, putting on his brass knuckles, grabbing his paddle, putting on his helmet, securing his gun in his jacket, and then finally sitting at his chair to face the screen with paddle in hand; camera zoom up on his face and yells)

PR: TAKE A LOOK!

(The movie's opening is shown with "Burbank Animation, Inc. In Association With Jambre Productions Inc. Presents" in the wooden sign)

PR (v/o): The opening credits start off standard enough, where the credits of (zooms into...) "Burbank Animation" and "Jambre Productions" presenting with a film by (The film's director is revealed to be Jameson Brewer) Jameson Brewer.

PR: (confused) Jameson Brewer?

PR (v/o): First off, let's address the biggest misconception: This is not a Jameson Brewer-directed movie. (Posters of The Adventures of The Little Prince, Heidi's Song, Voltron: Defender of the Universe, The New Addams Family is shown) Actually, he's produced a lot of decent things.

(a picture of Andrea Bresciani and Richard Slapczynski is shown)

PR (v/o): Andrea Bresciani and Richard Slapczynski, who would direct animated masterpieces with Oliver Twist (animated 1982) and Hiawatha, is the both men who called the shots, but the Australian studio insisted Burbank Films Australia had more of a draw. I think that's fair.

(the film starts with a snow storm blows outside...)

PR (v/o): And it starts off with a snow storm which that narrated by Sam the snowman from Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer like...

Sam the Snowman (voiced by PR) Now, don't you worry your head about the girl 'cause she trapped in his house by a snow storm. It's always the same story.

PR (v/o): And the camera turns into a house trapped in a snow storm with...

(Suddenly, the camera zooms to Alice look at the window in a frosty pane inside)

PR (v/o): Unrelated to (an image of Alice (1988 animated version) is shown in the corner) Burbank '88 version of this main character, she's mature-looking! When you compare him to, say, (image of Taran from The Black Cauldron...) a forgotten Disney character, who spent years trying to perfect their designs. On top of that, his yellowed-hair of (in the left, a image of...) Mowgli from Disney's  The Jungle Book.

PR: Alice's design is small in the wrong way.

PR (v/o): Wait a minute, why is it suddenly Alice, who’s checked to be the masterpieces? Come on, that's not cute, it's a weird anime version.

(clip of the main character from 114th episode of "Alice in Wonderland" from the Japanese adaptation of “Manga Sekai Mukashi Banashi”)

PR (v/o): Fancy your Japanese design being great favorite in there! But they're not even trying!

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): But for now it's only in the future. And that made-up prophecy you didn’t say anything about Alice being the girlish voice of Janet Waldo?

Alice (Janet Waldo): (to Cinder) You can't go outside, Cinder. I can't go out, either. We're prisoners.

PR: [beat] Okay, okay. Maybe I'm being too critical. I mean, maybe she just looks like a voice of Judy Jetson. (a shot of Judy Jetson is shown; v/o) Hi, Judy Jetson! (back to PR) Oh, wait. YES, THEY DO!

Alice: I know you're smart, Cinder, but you can't play chess.

PR (v/o): Future decent nominator, everybody. Couldn't you just...predict it?

PR: Granted, her performance does get better as the film goes on, but for the first 4 minutes, you can pretty much call her Grant Waldo. (An image of Taran from The Black Cauldron is shown)

Alice: I know. Let's pretend we're in Egypt and... and I'm the queen.

Taran: And I could be a famous warrior.

Alice: I'll order thousands of my men to build the biggest pyramid in the world.

Taran: Won't I ever be anything but an assistant pig keeper?

Alice: No... we pretended that yesterday.

Taran: All I need is...is a chance.

PR: Though, to be fair, she does go in and out of an annoyance voice like Fran Smith. (An image of Mayzie McGrew in Daisy-Head Mayzie is shown)

Alice: Hmm, I'll just figure out a real neat chess move to beat Daddy tonight.

PR: Maybe Burbank productions have any annoyance a bit as a kid virus.

Alice: If I were a queen, I'd ride around my kingdom on my noble steed, and make everything beautiful.

PR (v/o; chuckles): Man, there are so many chess-ications she would be on today.

PR: You know what you need, honey?

Alice: (off-screen and voiced by PR) Chess and checkmate?

PR: No, candy ponies and philistine things. Just mix it in with a plastic tranquilizer.

Alice: I'll order all blizzards to stop and I'd command it to be nice every day.

PR (v/o; as Alice): Is Kiki and Tombo made it worked?

Alice: I'd order the grass to grow and all flowers to bloom right in the middle of winter.

PR (v/o): Well, enough with this annoyance. When his father tell him that she cannot play outside during the snowstorm, she thinks about what she could play inside. Then his father goes outside, Alice stands in front of the mirror in the room.

(When Alice notices the thunder rumbles and then the mirror comes alive...)

PR (v/o): And she actually notices that thunder rumbled effect and getting dark on and off.

PR: What is that pointless effect? Even in the '80s, how Care Bears in Wonderland could handle that scaring him out or something?

(a briefly clip of Care Bears in Wonderland is shown quickly, The first is the human girl screaming in horror, and then there's what she's screaming at; revealing the villain, the Wizard, transformed into something nonsensically hideous!)

PR: I thought so.

PR (v/o): When Alice realizes that mirror is coming alive and she entered the dreams of another world.

Alice: I'm on the other side of the looking glass. And I'm not just pretending!

?????

Alice: I wonder... (to the audience) was it really a dream? (fades to black)

PR: (looked very shocked) A dream? That's a "dream" word at the end? This movie’s completely weird.

(Clips from the movie play again as PR speaks)

PR (v/o): It follows every adventure in the book, the characters are stale, both feeling good and bad, even the girl discovers get a little old after a while. The only thing that’s kind of half-rotten, which actually do look pretty realistic. But as you would guess, it’s not best waiting through them. What else can you say about it except “’Alice Through the Looking Glass’ is freakin’ weird out!”?

PR: And if you ever do come across this book by Lewis Carroll, why don’t you go ahead and give him this movie? (He brings out the DVD box for “Alice Through the Looking Glass [1987]" (2006)) I’m sure they need something to make that bad version of girl out of! (He slams the DVD box onto his desk) I’m the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't! (He gets up to leave)

Tagline - Alice: Let's pretend we're in Egypt and... and I'm the queen.