Helluva Boss (film)/Transcript

Transcript of the 2024 film Helluva Boss.

Prologue
(The A24 (North American version only), Sony, and TriStar Pictures logo play. In a black background, the words "TriStar Pictures and A24 present" and "A New Eden Production" fade in. Then we fade to a night backdrop, where a car pulls into a warehouse. Out stepped a human, aged 40, who walked in, as the camera showed newspapers saying: "FBI's Most Wanted Criminal Escapes!" and "President Urges Citizens for Extra Caution.")

Unknown Person #1: So... you've planned it out?

(A light flickered in, revealing another man of Mexican ethnicity.)

Unknown Person #2: Yes, boss. The henchmen and I did exactly what you asked.

Unknown Person #1: Good.

(He stepped into the light, revealing himself as Dicker "El Dicko" Francis. He wore a black suit and a small top hat. He threw his smoking pipe on a map.)

El Dicko: Hernando!

Hernando: Yes, boss?

El Dicko: Come over here.

(Hernando walked over to El Dicko, next to the map.)

Hernando: What do you want to show me?

El Dicko: Look here.

(He placed his finger on an unnamed area near New York City.)

El Dicko: What do you say we... assassinate the President of the United States at the Square?

Hernando: You sure about this? The last time we tried to, you got captured.

El Dicko: Oh, Hernando. When will you learn? I've got just the thing that defies the police.

Hernando: And that is...?

El Dicko: A distraction.

(Hernando took a moment to process that.)

Hernando: Okay. I like where you're going with this.

El Dicko: Exactly. Because, my friend, once we assassinate the President of the United States, the world will see how dangerous of a human I am, and they will bow to me, giving us what we always want...

(The camera moved toward his face.)

El Dicko: ...loyalty.

(Then we cut to black.)

Part 1
(We cut to a commercial jingle titled the "I.M.P. Jingle." In the commercial, it shows a montage of three demons and one hellhound killing humans.)

Singer:

When you want somebody gone

And you don't want to wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals

Hand grenade or cyanide

We'll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals

We do our job so well

Because we come straight up from Hell

We'll kill your husband or your wife

We'll even let you keep the knife

We're the Immediate Murder Professionals

Kids die for free!

(The jingle ends.)

Voiceover: For more information, dial the number shown on screen.

(Cut to a board meeting, where Blitzo, the boss of I.M.P., is in front of a TV.)

Blitzo: Boom! And that's how you do a TV ad, everyone! I knew I couldn't forget you, Loony.

(Loona, Blitzo's adopted daughter and hellhound, rolls her eyes and looks at her cellphone. Moxxie, an employee of I.M.P., raises his hand.)

Moxxie: Sir, how would you know that remaking this commercial would bring in more clients?

Blitzo: Moxxie, don't lower my hopes down.

Moxxie: I'm not lowering your hopes down.

Blitzo: Now, any questions before I dismiss you all?

(Millie, an employee of I.M.P. and the wife of Moxxie, raises her hand.)

Blitzo: Yes, Millie?

Millie: What's our paycheck for the ad?

Blitzo: I didn't get an email from the advertising company yet. Hopefully they'll pay us or else I am going to fucking sue them.

Moxxie: Suing them is not going to change their mind, sir.

Blitzo: Yeah, yeah, Moxxie. Alright, dismissed!

(Millie, Moxxie, and Loona left the board room and went to their respective working areas.)

Moxxie: You think we could get this company up with that ad? It's the exact same thing we did before, but with Loona added.

Millie: Chill, Mox. I'm sure we could get up on our feet!

Moxxie: If only we can.

(Cut to Blitzo looking at his phone in his office, swiping on Sinstagram and swipes away an ad for the Hazbin Hotel. A pop-up for an incoming phone call from an owl named Stolas appears.)

Blitzo: Ah, crap.

(He accepts the phone call.)

Blitzo: Hello?

(We cut to a bedroom with Stolas, the Goetic Prince of Hell.)

Stolas: Why, hello, my Blitzy.

Blitzo: Stolas, what do you want?

(Stolas snickered.)

Blitzo: Oh, god. Stolas, don't!

Stolas: Why not, Blitzø?

Blitzo: I'm not going to do... that.

Stolas: But it's so nice when you [bleep] on my [bleep], and then [bleep] all over you again.

Blitzo: Please stop.

Stolas: Oh, I'm not done yet. When I get there, you'll [bleep] on me, just like how I request it. [bleep] on that [bleep] of yours and then [bleep] all over you. And then the cycle continues.

Blitzo: If you don't stop this instant, I will hang up on you.

Stolas: Come on, Blitzø. We're just getting started.

Blitzo: We are not getting started.

Stolas: It's only for a little bit. So- Hello?

(Stolas finds out the call had ended.)

Stolas: Oh, well. Maybe he'll decide upon it.

(Just then, Octavia, Stolas's daughter, came in.)

Octavia: Dad, Mom wants to talk with you.

(Stolas sighed.)

Stolas: Tell her I'm coming.

Octavia: Alright.

(Cut back to I.M.P. headquarters, where Loona was at her reception desk. A demon walked up to her desk.)

Loona: Can I help you?

James: Yes, hi. I'd like to make a request.

Loona: Okay. Who's the victim you want killed?

James: El Dicko.

(Loona types in her computer.)

Loona: Okay. We'll send that to our boss. Thank you for choosing the Immediate Murder Professionals.

James: Good. I can't wait to see that piece of shit rot here.

Loona: Jeez, no need to get angry.

(James walked away. Another demon walked up.)

Loona: And what can I do for you this time?

Marcy: I'd like to have a person named El Dicko killed.

(Loona types on her computer before stopping for a second.)

Loona: Wait, who did you say you want to get killed?

Marcy: El Dicko.

(Loona continues typing on the computer.)

Loona: El Dicko. Who is this?

(Then, another demon walks up.)

Loona: Let me guess. El Dicko, isn't it?

Brad: Yeah.

Loona: Okay. If El Dicko's the victim who wants to be dead, raise your hand.

(James, Marcy, Brad, and seven other demons raised their hand.)

Loona: Holy shit. All of you guys want this El Dicko guy assassinated?

All except Loona: Yeah!

Loona: Dear Satan.

Carrie: This bitch has done nothing but mass murder throughout the world!

Neil: She's right. He killed all of us in a shooting yesterday!

Kelly: If you don't get that asshole killed, we will sue you all!

Loona: Now hang on just a moment there-

Tracy: You know what? Fuck this! I gotta kick something!

(Tracy kicked a vase and it shattered to the ground.)

Loona: Hey! That's Blitzø's property!

Tracy: Not like he has anything to do about it!

Lisa: So any choices, hound?

Loona: I'm already going to tell the employees about it! Just give me a sec!

(Loona ran to the kitchen, where Moxxie and Millie were talking.)

Millie: So then, he went "I don't know what you're talking about." And then I went, "What do you mean? You were a witness!"

Moxxie: He's that dumb?

Millie: Don't know, but the only thing I know about him is that he was there when-

Loona: Hey, Millie, TD, come with me.

Moxxie: What did you just call me?

Loona: You heard me. Now come on!

(Loona went out and Moxxie and Millie did the same. They saw the clients causing mayhem to the lobby.)

Moxxie: Oh, crumbs.

Millie: What's going on here?

Loona: They said something about some El Dicko shit. I don't know. We gotta tell Blitzø.

(The three ran to Blitzo's office. He was doing a crossword puzzle.)

Blitzo: Okay, so that word doesn't go there. What about-

Loona: Blitzø!

Blitzo: Gah!

(Blitzo tipped over his chair.)

Blitzo: Guys! What the hell did I tell you about knocking on the door?

Moxxie: Sorry, sir, but this is urgent!

Blitzo: Okay, what is so "urgent" that you had to rush to my door and nearly break my fucking skull?

(Cut to the lobby.)

Moxxie: This is what was so "urgent" we had to rush to your door and nearly break your fucking skull.

Blitzo: Oh my Satan. Lots of clients!

(He climbed onto Loona's desk.)

Blitzo: Now everyone, can I have your attention please?

(The clients stopped their rioting.)

Lisa: What is it now?

Blitzo: I'm sure my receptionist is aware of your El Dicko situation?

Marcy: You got that right.

Blitzo: What exactly does he do?

Neil: He commits terrorism everywhere he goes!

Tracy: That and the fact he makes sometimes offensive stuff towards everyone!

Ash: You got that right. He even made fun of my step-sister for being a "dwarf."

Blitzo: Wow. Who gives a shit about that?

Ash: Ugh. I do!

James: Now you either help us or we are tearing this hellhole to the ground!

(Loona whispers in Blitzo's ear.)

Blitzo: Okay, everyone. I have made a decision. We...

(Everyone listened.)

Blitzo: ...are going to...

(They waited.)

Blitzo: ...not kill El Dicko.

James: WHAT?!

Kelly: I thought your ad said we could "get anyone killed whenever we want," you liar!

Blitzo: I'm just kidding, everyone. Of course we've got ya.

James: Oh, heh heh. He's just joking, everyone. How much do we owe ya?

Blitzo: Probably $20 at best.

All: We'll take it!

(Cut to the exterior of the building, where a bus was seen driving away.)

Blitzo: We'll get this douche in less than 24 hours or your kill is free!

Moxxie: And you're still implementing that deal?

Blitzo: Of course I am.

Loona: Oh gosh. Guys, I think I know who this "El Dicko" is.

Blitzo: Really? Tell us.

Loona: Okay.

(Loona cleared her throat.)

Loona: "El Dicko is the world's most feared man. From killing people to commiting world terrorism, he is a person slated to be avoided at all costs. He will slit your ass in under a second upon exposure."

Blitzo: And where do you get this information from?

Loona: My Sinstagram.

(Loona turned her phone around to show Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie a news article about El Dicko.)

Blitzo: Wow, Loony. You're really useful, you know that? You get a treat.

Loona: Ew. Stop.

(Blitzo throws the treat into the air and catches it with his mouth.)

Loona: You're so gross!

Moxxie: No shit.

Blitzo: Alright, everyone! Let's go in!

(A Batman-esque transition played and we cut to the board room.)

Blitzo: Loona, can you track down El Dicko?

Loona: Nothing popping up.

Blitzo: Well, that's just great. That's just fucking great.

Moxxie: Sir, can't we just look around first? That would sound reasonable.

(Loona's phone rung.)

Loona: Oh shit. Guys, I think I've got the location of El Dicko. He's in New York City.

Blitzo: New York City? That hellhole?

Millie: New York City doesn't sound bad!

Blitzo: New York City is a rotting place, Millie. It is bad.

Millie: Didn't look that bad to me.

Moxxie: So sir, when are we leaving?

Blitzo: We're leaving in about ten minutes.

Loona: Hey, is there any way I can go with you guys?

Blitzo: Why do you want to do that?

Loona: Come on. You know why.

Blitzo: Absolutely not, I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young, vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who'd drool all over you!

(Everyone breaks the fourth-wall by looking at the screen in disapproval.)

Loona: Well, maybe they stopped now.

Blitzo: You know what? You're right. Welcome to the team, sweetie.

Loona: I've been on the team with you for a while now.

Blitzo: Eh, who gives a shit?

(Blitzo took a seat.)

Blitzo: Now listen here, you ass-cracks. We are about to kill the worst victim we have ever witnessed. He sounds like he has bodyguards in every single part of his base. So one small mistake, and he shoots your guts out. No dillydallying here.

Millie: Yeah, maybe I changed my mind. This El Dicko guy sounds like he's gonna kill our asses on this one.

Moxxie: Same here.

Loona: For once, I agree with them. Why don't we just tell our clients we just killed him immediately and call it a day.

Blitzo: Are you fucking kidding me, guys? After you just said we can do this? You gotta make up your minds. Either you go to the human world, or don't! Which leaves getting you fired. Including you, Loona.

(Loona rolled her eyes.)

Blitzo: Come on, guys. Give yourself a little grit. Get out there like it's the start of summer break. Don't let those shit-stains get in your way. They just want to bring you down. So either we lie to them and lose our careers, or finish the job and be hailed as "heroes." Your choice. Anywho picks the former, raise your hand.

(No one raised their hand.)

Blitzo: Okay. Anyone who picks the latter, raise your hand.

(Moxxie, Millie, and Loona raised their hands.)

Blitzo: Oh, fuck me in the asshole. There is a god. Alright, get on out. I have to make a phone call.

(The three left, leaving Blitzo alone. He dialed Stolas. Stolas was laying on his couch.)

Stolas: Hello?

(Blitzo sighed.)

Blitzo: Stolas.

Stolas: Blitzy! Have you made your mind?

Blitzo: Oh my god. That's not why I called. Stolas, listen. Me and the pals are going to New York.

Stolas: The human world?

Blitzo: Yes, Stolas. I wanted to ask if you could fill in for me at the I.M.P. headquarters.

Stolas: As in, replacing you?

Blitzo: No, not replacing me! Taking care of my job until I get back!

Stolas: Oh, Blitzy! How wonderful! So you're hiring me as an assassin? I call dibs on the guns!

Blitzo: No! It's neither! I'm just asking if you could temporarily do my job!

Stolas: Oh, Blitzø. You're so cute when you get angry. I'm [bleep].

Blitzo: No, not that kind of "coming."

Stolas: Just messing with ya. Won't be long!

Blitzo: Thank you!

(He hangs up.)

Blitzo: Holy shit. Is it that hard to explain?

(Cut back to Stolas.)

Stolas: Sounds like this will be-

Stella: Stolas! What is this?

(Stella, Stolas's wife, barges in. She showed Stolas one of Blitzo's ties.)

Stolas: That is nothing.

Stella: Then why does it have "imp" written all over it?

Stolas: It's none of your business, pinky.

Stella: Ugh! Why are you still attached to that piece of shit?!

Stolas: He is my friend! And friends don't leave each other!

Stella: What about me? What am I?

Stolas: You're my nobody! So get out now, or else I am shooting a gun at your face!

Stella: Hmph!

(Stella left Stolas, just as Octavia came in.)

Octavia: Dad, what was that all about?

Stolas: Nothing, honey.

Octavia: You sure? Sounded like you and Mum had a fit in here.

Stolas: It's nothing, honey.

(Back in the board room, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona re-entered.)

Millie: So you're done with your call?

Blitzo: Yeah.

Moxxie: So what now?

Blitzo: Suit up. This is going to get messy.

(Blitzo opened his sunglasses, just as the song "Without Me" played.)

TBA.