Lincoln the Vampire Killer transcript

Scene 1: The Salt Lakes City Movie Theater
Lincoln, Clyde, Zach, Ronnie Anne and Ian are watching The Night of the Vampire on the big movie screen.

Vampire King: "I vanna bite your neck."

The vampire king gets closer to the village woman.

Village Woman: "No, stop, stay back, get away!"

The vampire king begins biting the village woman's neck off screen.

Village Leader: "We must get rid of those nasty vampire creeps at once, who's with me?!?"

All Other Villagers: "We are!"

Meanwhile right after the movie........

Ian: "Man, that movie sure was a fright fest."

Clyde: "So what should we do next? stop right by the arcade house?"

Ronnie Anne: "go hang around at the ice cream and soda parlor?"

Clyde: "play some basketball."

Ian: "I vote for all of the above."

Lincoln: "Uh, no thanks, you guys, I gotta get back home, you know, right before it gets dark."

Ronnie Anne: "Lincoln, it's 3:31 PM."

Lincoln: "Yeah, well, I know 1 of my sisters, Lucy more than anybody, but it's better to be safe and secure than sorry, I don't wanna be outside when the night lurking blood thirsty vampire critters come out in search of human blood."

Ian: "Wow, Lincoln, I never knew you were such a fraidy cat."

Lincoln: "I'm not terrified, Ian, I'm just playing it safe, that's all."

Ian: "Oh yeah? then what are you hanging around with me for? I'm a vampire and I vanna bite your neck."

Ian gets closer to Lincoln which causes him to freak out a bit.

Lincoln: "Yipe! (he hides right between Clyde and Ronnie Anne.) cut it out, Ian."

Ian: "Stay calm, Lincoln, I'm just clowning around, and besides, everybody knows vampires don't even exist."

Clyde: "Ian's absolutely right, Lincoln."

Lincoln: "Yeah, well, I'm not taking any more chances, I'll see you guys tomorrow morning, in the daylight."

Lincoln walks around on his way back home to the Loud-Santiago-Casagrande-McBride Apartment.

Ian: "Man, what a fraidy cat."

The Loud-Santiago-Casagrande-McBride Apartment
Lincoln's in his bedroom while checking for vampire bats, but there are no vampire bats in there.

Lincoln goes right in his bed and falls asleep.

Lincoln's creepy dream sequence........

[Werewolf Howling In Distance]

Lincoln's still asleep and Vampire Ian (off screen) taps him on his right shoulder.

Vampire Ian: "I vanna bite your neck."

Lincoln: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Lincoln runs away from Vampire Ian.

Lincoln: "No, please, stop, get away!"

Vampire Ian begins biting at Lincoln's neck.

Lincoln: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

End of Lincoln's creepy dream sequence.

Lincoln: "Wait just 1 minute, it was just a dream vision, there's no vampires around here, man, I gotta try to relax myself."

Lincoln: [Deep Breathing]

Salt Lakes City Middle School/Agnes Johnson's classroom
Lincoln: [Deep Breathing Continues]

Clyde: "Hey, Lincoln,"

Ronnie Anne: "how's it going?"

Lincoln: "Oh pretty good, you guys, I'm not thinking about vampires at all, in fact, I'm all relaxed."

Sid: [Chuckling] "Now that's some serious eyeware, Ian."

Ian: "Thanks a bunch, Sid, not only do they keep the bright sunlight outta my sensitive eyes, but I think they make me look bright and snazzy."

Lincoln: [More Deep Breathing]

Meanwhile in the school cafeteria kitchen.........

Lunch Lady Number 1: "Garlic bread, Ian?"

Ian: "No thanks, ma'am, I never touch any garlic."

Lincoln stares at Ian in disbelief and shock.

Meanwhile in the school library room......

School Nurse: "Thanks a bunch for your enthusiam, Ian, but the blood drive's for the staff and faculty members only."

Ian: "Oh well, that's too bad, ma'am, blood drives are among my most favorite school functions."

Lincoln runs away from the school library room.

Later on in the janitor's closet, Lincoln grabs Clyde and Ronnie Anne.

Lincoln: "It's super thrilling, you guys, it's just like in that movie, I mean, 1st he comes right into class wearing sunglasses, then he turns down the garlic bread during lunch time, then he gets super excited about a blood drive, a blood drive for staff and faculty members only."

Clyde: "Dude, what are you talkin' about?"

Lincoln: "I'm talking about Ian, you guys, in the fact that he's a vampire."

Ronnie Anne: "Come on, Lincoln, lots of people wear sunglasses, it doesn't make them vampires, neither's not liking garlic, and just as far as the blood drive goes, maybe Ian got super excited about the free good cupcakes they gave out."

Lincoln: "You're wrong, Ian's a vampire, and I'm gonna prove it to you guys, just you wait and see."

Lincoln exits the janitor's closet.

The library room
Lincoln (reading the book title): How to Prove your Good Friend's a Vampire.

Lincoln's bedroom
Lincoln: The 1st step in proving that your good friend is a terrifying underhanded critter of the night, is to find out if he's got a reflection, if the expected evil-doer's image doesn't appear in the mirror or a photograph, he's most likely a vampire.

Back in Salt Lakes City Middle School/the hallways

Lincoln takes a photo of Ian, but Ian backs down and Ian's image is cut from the photo.

Lincoln goes right into the young men's washroom to show Clyde.

Lincoln: "See, Clyde? I told you and Ronnie Anne, Ian's a vampire and this photo proves it."

Clyde: "Lincoln, there's nothin' in this photo."

Lincoln: "Of course there's nothing in the photo, Clyde, 'cause vampires don't have reflections, Ian's dark powers caused this photo to come out empty."

Clyde: "Come on, Lincoln, Ian doesn't have dark powers, and this photo doesn't prove anything, except maybe you don't know how to use a digital camera."

Lincoln: "Okay, fine, don't believe me, it doesn't matter anyhow, 'cause there's lots more proves where this came from, you'll see."

The Salt Lakes City Middle School lunch room
Lincoln: the 2nd step in whether or not your good friend's a monstrous blood sucking devil is to find out if he's got unusally large fangs.

Lincoln goes right over to Ian's lunch tray and shows Clyde and Ronnie Anne Ian's cheese and egg salad sandwich with a bite mark on it.

Lincoln: "Check it out, you guys, super terrifying, right?"

Ronnie Anne: "It's a cheese and egg salad sandwich, Lincoln."

Lincoln: "It's not just any cheese and egg salad sandwich, it's Ian's cheese and egg salad sandwich, and it's got big fang marks in it."

Clyde: "They're just teeth marks,"

Ronnie Anne: "now cut all of this crazy vampire nonsense out and give that cheese and egg salad sandwich back to Ian right now."

Ian: "Can I have my cheese and egg salad sandwich back, please?"

Lincoln: "Okay, I'll give the cheese and egg salad sandwich back to him, but Ian's a vampire, trust me, you'll believe in me sooner or later."

Meanwhile on the Salt Lakes City Middle School bus.........

Lincoln: The 3rd step in freaking out if your good friend's a grisly night walking fiend is to capture him in a transformed state of a big hairy vampire bat."

The Credible's apartment
Lincoln sneaks right up by Ian's bedroom window and a bat swoops down and Lincoln catches it in a cage.

Meanwhile........

Lincoln: "I finally got it, you guys, the brother of all proof."

Lincoln shows Clyde and Ronnie Anne the bat in the cage.

Clyde: "What is that?"

Lincoln: "It's Ian, you guys, in his terrifiying bat state, I caught him last evening flying around in his backyard."

Ronnie Anne: "You gotta be kidding us."

Lincoln: "No, you guys, I'm completely serious, I stopped him and caught him with my own hands."

Clyde: "Lincoln, please."

Lincoln: "Now I know what you guys are gonna say, how can I be sure that I found the right bat? I know I did, you guys, 'cause I saw this 1 fly right down Ian's bedroom window, plus, it means Ian wasn't even on the bus this morning, and that could only mean 1 thing."

Ronnie Anne: "Did you stay at home feeling sick and nauseous today?"

Lincoln: "No, I got him, right in here."

Ronnie Anne: "Lincoln, you're going completely crazy, there's no way that this bat's Ian."

Ronnie Anne opens the cage and the bat flies right out of it.

Lincoln: "No, Ronnie Anne, wait, what are you doing?!? NOOOOOOOOO! I can't believe you let Ian go, now he's gonna bite my neck, I'm doomed for the rest of my entire life!"