Mommy Must Murder/Transcript

Pre-Satin Panties
(Keith has decided to take Cherry out for a date at a new sushi restaurant in town. He decides to get a ride there by hauling a taxi)

Keith: Taxi! Hey, taxi!

Cherry: Really, Keith, it’s okay, we can just get burgers instead…

Keith: No way, Cherry! I know you’ve wanted to try that new sushi place in the next town over for weeks now, and this is the day it happens! Uh...Once we get a ride, that is.

(Suddenly, a black limousine pulls up and grabs both Cherry and Keith)

Keith: WHOA!

(Keith and Cherry end up standing on top of the limo and see Cherry’s mother, Mommy Mearest, who, just like Daddy Dearest, is a purple-skinned demon, but quite attractive for one)

Cherry: Oh, hey Mom!

Mom: Hey, sweetie!

Keith: (startled) Aaaugh! What’s going on?!

Mom: You must be Keith Sprite, the young man my daughter has been dating.

Keith: (composing himself) Allright. We’re here. We’re...standing on the car?!

Mom: Seatbelts aren’t my style. Neither are seats.

(NOTE: Please wear seatbelts at all times while in a moving vehicle. Also, don’t stand on top of a moving vehicle, either. It’s a big safety no-no)

Cherry: (whispering to Keith) My mom’s not that big on car safety.

Keith: No kidding.

Mom: So, where ya goin’?

Keith: Can you, uh, drop us off at Nene’s Sushi n’ Sides, please?

Mom: Well...

(It turns out Mom has other plans, and she can tell that her daughter knows it. With that, the song begins)

Satin Panties
Mom: That depends, you ready to sing for it?

Keith: This boyfriend would do anything for it!

Mom: Well, look at you, Mister Big Spender, Takin’ my daughter out for a buffet?

Keith: I’m not actually a big spender, We’re eatin’ there ‘cause it’s half-price today!

Mom: Don’t you know her daily diet Costs way more than a nobody like you makes?

Keith: I just know she wants to try it I’ll get her there no matter what it takes!

Both: My little baby girl deserves the world And I’m makin’ sure she gets it Served on a silver plate! Sautéed, seasoned to taste!

Mom: And her needs extend far past dinnertime! Entertainment, gadgets, diamonds, fancy wine and so much more!

Keith: Can’t afford those now but there’ll come a time! Entertainment, gadgets, diamonds, fancy wine and so much more!

Mom: (Sure ya will!) And what happens if your singing work flops and dies? Will my daughter end up destitute and terrified?

Keith: (She’ll be there!) When I make it big at last and I reach my stride Your daughter’s gonna be there with me, filled with pride!

Mom: Then you’re gonna need some backup dancers! I can loan ya these ones for pretty cheap!

Keith: I think I’ll pass on rentin’ backup dancers! These guys honestly look real dumb and weak!

Both: Music can be a treacherous career But you know when it’s your passion You’ve gotta give it your all Jump unafraid to fall!

Mom: Seems you’re set on goin’ big, livin’ well… If you don’t, I’ll drag your sorry butt down to hell! (And I ain’t jokin’.)

Keith: Bet I’m set on goin’ big, livin’ well… If I don’t, I’m ready to face the fires of hell (Fires burnin’ so red hot they’re smokin’)

Mom: It would seem the two of us are in agreement, then…

Keith: It would seem the two of us are in agreement, then… I’ll have it all and become more to her than a boyfriend!

Mom: We’ll see if you can live up to that!

Keith: I’m gonna be famous, and that’s a fact!

(As the song finishes, we cut to a news report of Keith’s rap battle with Mom)

Ethan the News Reporter: Good afternoon, ladies and gents. This is Philadelphia News Network with an update on the high-speed chase unfolding along Route 76. Two of the persons atop the involved matte-black limos have been identified as ex-popstar Roxanne Dearest, better known by her stage name Mommy Mearest…which is a stupid stage name, if you ask me…and her daughter, Cherina Dearest, with a number of other persons assumed to be affiliates and entourage. Whatever the case, the road there is known to be littered with low-hanging street lights, so caution is advised. Seriously, who put those there?! There's, like, a twelve mile stretch with no light behind them. More on this high-speed action soon...Was I supposed to say that? No? Well, I don’t care one bit, dude.

(Cut back to the limo)

Mom: Not bad, kid…Not bad at all. But you gotta know this: Fame can be fleeting without proper maintenance. I’m sure you’ve seen that in my husband.

Keith: But, didn’t he burn out because his music got stale? At least, that's what I think I heard.

Mom: Oh, he tried everything. After people stopped listening to his rock material, he decided to experiment with other genres, like jazz, rap, disco, and…bluegrass…dear Lucifer, if only I didn’t have to listen to that. Sadly, none of them really worked. Either way, my husband can sing like an angel and cook like a gourmet chef, but my business sense got us our first contract, and it has kept us on top ever since.

Keith: So what you’re saying is that you wear the pants in your relationship with him?

Mom: Actually, what I’m saying is that you’d better prove you got the brains to back up those bars. Let’s start the next song, shall we?

Cherry: Be careful, Keith. There are low-hanging street lights on this side of the road, so you better make sure not to hit any of them.

Keith: Don’t worry, Cherry. I'll try to avoid them as much as I can. I don't want to end up becoming roadkill.

(The next song begins. As Keith sings, he notices low-hanging street lights on the road and makes sure to dodge them whenever they pass by)

High
Mom: Let’s say you actually do Get famous and live the life Will your fans still simp over you When you’re a middle-aged man and Cherry is your wife?

Keith: Listen, I ain’t her dad! I ain’t singin’ to seduce! And I’m sure I’d do pretty bad If I tried to sell records shakin’ my caboose…

Mom: (I guess that’s true…) Don’t think you got right build for that Heartthrobs don’t usually stand four feet high What’s the scheme you’re gonna exact To turn into everybody’s favorite guy?

Keith: (Here’s what I’ll do!) Sing ‘bout my battles, who can’t relate Tryin’ to take your girl on a date When you’re spooked, kidnapped, almost shot Totally normal stuff everyone deals with a lot!

Mom: That makes sense to me! Guess we’ll have to keep you on your toes to keep ideas a-flowin’... Now, remind me, how much torture can humans survive And how much pain? That’s the fate you chose, embrace it!

Keith: (overlapping) Regret this instantly! Got so many enemies they’re lining up The rows keep growin’! Add any more danger and I won’t come out alive!

Mom: Live? Oh, by the way, have I mentioned That our little intervention Is broadcasting on TV To a trillion different folks at once in real time?

Keith: Whoa! I didn’t think you were streamin’ What kinda plan are you schemin’? I thought you just wanted me To prove I could plan my future out past my prime?

Mom: If you wanna sing… It’s my job as manager to push your fame to grow Or crash hard Either way the battle ends, I’ll make a lot of dough!

Keith: Didn’t sign a thing! Since when were you managing my image and career? It’s bizarre…

Mom: (Everyone’s career needs a start!)

Keith: Throw me in the deep end, I don’t care, I’ll face my fears!

Mom: Fears? Let them fade, dear!

Keith: (overlapping) Sing what they want to hear…

Mom: But just remember who’s in charge, when all is said and done I’m large, got you by the nuts, get used to it That’s how things run ‘round here! The future’s bright for you… I’ll build your kingdom and your fortune Laughin’ all the while You’ll prosper ‘neath my thumb And pay my cut of profits with a smile!

Keith: (overlapping) High-stakes croonin’, bars so hot That they singe and sear! I’ll weigh in, too! Gotta gleam my singin’ dream With my special style!

(The song finishes and we cut to the news channel again)

Ethan: Is it really that important? Nobody really cares about this kid! I'm eight days into a 2-week notice, I'm tired of this crap. An anonymous tip sent into the newsroom just moments ago has identified the short, blue-haired youth accompanying the Dearest family members and associates atop the speeding limos as Keith Sprite, the up-and-coming rapper who made headlines after defeating Mrs. Dearest's husband, ex-rockstar Daddy Dearest, in a series of performance arts showdowns. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming, before I start to say things about this kid that shouldn’t even be said on live television.

(Cut back to the limo)

Keith: Phew! That was a rush!

Mom: Not a bad start…Keep singing like that and maybe one day you’ll dominate the airwaves…and everything else in a fifty-foot radius. Just like me. Let’s work on that and turn it up a notch, hmm?

Keith: Actually, I believe that’s enough for one day, um, ma’am…

Mom: Oh, pshh. I didn’t know my daughter was dating such a killjoy.

Keith: What? I’m totally fun!

Mom: Oh yeah? Prove it.

(The last song begins. As Keith sings with Mom, he dances like her backup dancers and makes sure to dodge the low-hanging street lights that sometimes pass by, just like he did during the previous song)

M.I.L.F./Mom Battle
Mom: Let’s get down on the floor! This time, we’re really funkin’ You’ll be beggin’ for more Once these hot beats start pumpin’ out!

Keith: I’ll get down on the floor When my girl feels like funkin’ She’ll be beggin’ for more Once my sweet tones start pumpin’ out!

Mom: Any club worth its salt Has a DJ Pickin’ out the bangers just right!

Keith: I’ll be burnin’ asphalt Gettin’ my girl To the best club under the moonlight!

Mom: Follow the beat and you will find The rhythm starts to bind Your body to the dance floor And all of a sudden, you’re movin’ now!

Keith: Follow the beat and you will see Nobody sings like me My vocals hit the dance floor And all of a sudden, they’re groovin’

Mom: Yeah! Let’s get this party goin’ strong! If my daughter’s anything like me She’ll party all night long!

Keith: Yeah! I’ll keep this party goin’ strong! If your daughter’s partyin’ with me She’ll party all night!

Mom: Any boy with a brain Is aware parties Never stop when the club closes!

Keith: You don’t need to explain What a party is to me Everyone knows it!

Mom: Blast the beats real loud at 3 AM Wake the neighbors up at night again Never apologize! Freak ‘em out with your eyes! Cut ‘em all down to size! Make ‘em all terrified!

Keith: Blast the beats real loud at 3 AM Til the cops get called on you again! Kindly apologize Give ‘em your sorry eyes Sing ‘em all lullabies Go to bed terrified!

Mom: I knew you were a big buzzkill! Gotta live for the thrill! If you don’t party hard enough for her You know someone out there will!

Keith: I’m really not a big buzzkill! But folks really aren’t thrilled When you play tunes real loud at night Without the riches to foot the

Both: Bill! Guess it helps to be loaded up With rockstar fame, cash And several dark demonic magic skills!

Mom: When we party now, it’s at home In our giant mansion where we blast the tunes to our fill!

Keith: (overlapping) It’s way harder to stay out of Trouble when you’re just a teen still!

Mom: Guess it’s probably good That you’re responsible Back when I was your age I know that I was a real handful!

Both: It’s real fun to go wild But it’s better to know When you’re goin’ too far And let your mature, refined side show!

Mom: Any mom Can tell their little girl’s fallen Into caring, soft, capable hands

Keith: I feel calm When your sweet little girl’s callin’ For me and I answer her demands!

Mom: Well, I guess you’re good to go I’ll drop you by the shore Should be a good deal closer to The place you guys were headed for!

Keith: Thanks for the transit, yo! It helps out when you’re poor! And it sure is good to know You and I click with each other more!

(Song finishes and Mom finally drops off Keith and Cherry at their destination)

Cherry: Thanks for the ride, Mom!

Mom: You’re welcome, sweetie. See y’all later!

(Keith and Cherry enter the restaurant)

Keith: Whew! Finally made it! Table for two, please. I’ll be paying by...Uh, wait, where’s my wallet?

(Turns out one of Mom’s backup dancers stole Keith’s wallet while he wasn’t looking)

Backup dancer: Who’s dumb now?