Nostalgia Critic - Exorcism of the Commercials

Here is my idea/potential prediction for the upcoming Nostalgia Critic commercial reviews.

[The review opens with cult circle forming in the middle of the Nostalgia Critic's house, all standing around a large star painted onto the living room floor in satanic white paint. Cut to the Critic himself walking in wearing his commercials T-shirt with the donut along with Malcolm in a red flannel shirt and jeans and Tamara in a white tank top and a pair of yoga pants, who happen to stumble into the cult's demonic ritual; confused and furious at the same time, Critic, Malcolm and Tamara walk over to the cult leader, a pale-skinned man wearing a blood red cloak and holding a keepsake of Jesus on the cross to his chest.]

Critic: [yelling to the cult leader] Who and why the fuck are you?!

Tamara: [joining in on calling out the cult] Did you just break in and enter? THAT'S ILLEGAL!!!

Malcolm: [changes the subject] And why is my attire for this video the same as that horror version of Winnie-the-Pooh?

Critic: [to Malcolm] I don't know. I thought it would be a fun take that jab towards that god-awful movie. [turns his attention back to the cult leader] Back to the subject, what on earth are you and your retarded-looking hellspawn doing here at midnight? We're trying to do commercials; get out!!

[The cult leader lifts up his hook and lifts his head up to directly stare in the trio's souls, which causes them to feel uneasy. After a few seconds of staring into their souls, he grabs a demonic version of the bible and opens it up to the first page, preparing to recite a summoning call.]

Cult Leader: [reciting the ritual] Oh, fires of Satan, hear our pleas. Send forth an antichrist of your choice; one of deathly omnipotence that can unleash the evil in all of us. Reign terror and anarchy over the one they call the Nostalgia Critic, and make him suffer through a marathon of cursed...

[Mid-sentence, the cult leader is punched unconscious by a mysterious figure, who is then revealed to be none other than Chadtronic, maestro of reviewing and ranking cursed commercials of any origins. Enraged by their master's demise at Chadtronic's hands, the other cult members charge towards Chadtronic, with one of them picking up the satanic bible for weaponry tendencies, only to be stopped and teleported into the Critic's dumpster by Chadtronic's faithful partner Wraps the Mummy; after singlehandedly taking out the cult, Wraps picks up the satanic bible of which had remained on the floor and gives it to Chadtronic before magically restoring the Critic's living room to how it was before the cult broke in.]

Wraps: [to the Critic, Malcolm and Tamara] You guys okay?

Tamara: [thanks the two] Thanks for saving us back there.

Malcolm: Yeah, I thought we were dead meat before you helped.

Chadtronic: [returning the thanks] No need for the thank you. [to the Critic] Hey, NC? I know plentiful about some cursed commercials. Do you want to collaborate for these batch of commercials.

Critic: [nonchalantly agreeing] Sure. Why not? I mean what the dickshit could happen? COMMERCIALS!!

[He holds up a remote controller and pushes a button. The sound of static is heard, and then as with all the commercial specials that came before it, the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers are shown.]

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages...

(The title "Crossover Time!" is shown.)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Cartoon Network No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service! Bumper
[Static transition to: Cartoon Network's No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service! bumper.]

[The Cartoon Network logo is shown. In the bumper, Fred Flintstone, I. M. Weasel, Huckleberry Hound and Quick Draw McGraw all walk into a gas station ran by a Chinese guy.]

Huckleberry Hound: [grumpily] I'm putting that on my resume!

Tamara: [to the Critic] Wait a minute! Didn't you already cover this one already on your video on the Cartoon Network bumpers, Critic?

Critic: [to Tamara] Yep, and that's why I am going to keep this one brief. [to Chadtronic and Wraps] Chad? Wraps? Have either of you seen this bumper?

Chadtronic: [replying to the Critic] Yep.

Wraps: Skip it if we've all covered it before.

[They skip the bumper and onto the next commercial.]

M&M's Christmas commercial
[TV static transition to: The M&M's Christmas commercial.]

[The commercial opens with Red and Yellow on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa Claus to arrive.]

Critic (vo): Oh, man! I fucking love this commercial! Not only because the M&M's mascots are always iconic and partially because I love Christmas more than any other holiday in existence, but because it one of the most hilarious Christmas commercials you'll ever see.

Chadtronic (vo): First airing on December 2, 1996 to promote the M&M's candies at Christmastime, the commercial concerns company mascots Red and Yellow as they try to catch Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

Tamara (vo): The commercial was very funny with a cult following so large that it has ever since continued to air around Christmas every year after it's release.

Red: [hand touches candle light too close] Ow!

Yellow: [with a bowl of red and green M&M's] So do you think Santa will like these red and green M&M's?

Red: I don't know. I never met the guy.

Critic (vo): Well you will now as the fat bastard comes bursting down through the chimney and gives both himself and Red a goddamn heart attack!

[Both Red and Santa faint and the candle falls out the former's hand.]

[Text: Happy Holidays/Always Fun.]

Yellow: Uh... Santa?

Malcolm: My only complaint about it is that it's too short! Wasn't there a sequel to this commercial?

Wraps: There was actually, but we don't need to talk about it in this video. We'll talk about it next time we do a commercials collaboration; for this video, we are solely referring to this one for the time being.

Critic: (vo): It's actually insane to think that this commercial not only received a sequel commercial, but is also replayed every year around Christmas since it was first shown, and hopefully it'll stay that way. It's fun, wholesome and it's definitely the M&M's at their peak.

NSPCC - Can't Look
[TV static transition to: NSPCC's 1999 PSA Can't Look.]

[The PSA opens up with a shot of teddy bears on a pink wallpaper sadly covering their eyes to the sounds of a baby wailing offscreen, to which it cuts to the Critic, Malcolm, Tamara, Chadtronic, and Wraps quietly watching the PSA in pure, unfiltered horror. We cut back to the PSA as stamping, coming from the baby's heavily abusive mother, is heard as the mother reaches the cot offscreen, infuriated by her infant's incessant wailing, and the PSA continues to zoom in on one particular teddy bear covering his/her eyes.]

Mother: [heard aggressively yelling at the baby offscreen] Shut up!! [yells even louder] I'm going to smash your face against that cot if you don't stop screaming NOW!!!!!!!!

[The PSA has fully zoomed in until only one teddy bear is left as the mother beats her baby's poor innocent face against the cot, which implies violence.]

Baby: [quietly whimpering] Mama.

Malcolm (vo): [bursts into tears] JESUS CHRIST!! (sobs at the top of his lungs)

[We briefly cut back to the couch, where Malcolm begins to break down into tears and outstretching his arms to Tamara, who instantly follows suit and embraces him in a hug as they sob together; meanwhile, Chadtronic places a paper bag over his head and hides his face while Wraps covers his eyes like the teddy bears in the PSA, and Nostalgia Critic continues to watch, frozen in a state of fear from which he can only stare at the PSA and watch it unwillingly, respectively. We then cut back to the PSA, which is now zooming out from a bedroom wall showing a poster of Alan Shearer kneeling down and also covering his eyes in shame.]

Some Random Guy, persumably either a pedophile or the boy's uncle: [quietly but eerily] Come sit over here.

[The PSA then cuts away to and zooms out from a mug depicting Rupert Bear standing in a forest and covering his eyes with a small frown on his face and a single teardrop flowing down his right cheek as a man constantly bangs the table in which the mug is standing atop, implying verbal abuse and anger issues.]

Father: [yelling to his son or daughter, though not as loudly as the mother yelling at the baby] You're brainless! You're stupid!! YOU'RE NO CHILD OF MINE!!!

[Right before the next clip, you can see the man slap Rupert off the table, persumably shattering the mug of which he is painted onto and therefore injuring him in the process. This makes Rupert the only childhood icon covering their eyes throughout the entire PSA to suffer the same abuse as the child. We then change the scene to Malcolm and Tamara continuing to tearfully comfort each other while Critic can only muster a very tiny whimper, the same response that he had to the Shame on You Irish road safety PSA in Planet of the Commercials, Chadtronic continues to have the paper bag over his head and Wraps lifts his right hand while continuing to cover his left eye with his left hand.]

Wraps: [fearfully] Is it over now?

Chadtronic: [petrified] No.

Wraps: [angrily] Aw come on! [proceeds to cover both eyes again]

[We cut back to yet another clip of the PSA, this time showing a GI Joe action figure covering its eyes as we hear a telephone ringing offscreen from afar and the PSA pans to a bedroom door that is locked shut.]

Little Boy: [calling for his implied-to-be neglectful mother] Mummy? Where are you? [whimpers] I don't like being on my own.

[Finally, the PSA cuts to a shot of a magazine with the Spice Girls covering their eyes on the cover laying flat on a bed sheet, which moves ever so slightly.]

Teen Girl: [whimpering to her sexually abusive stepfather, who is implied to be molesting her] Daddy, please stop. You're hurting me.

Father 2: [to his daugther in a falsely reassuring tone] Come now. Not a word to anyone; this is going to be our little secret.

[As we get a final shot of the magazine before cutting to black, the PSA changes to silence.]

Female PSA Narrator: [speaking over the black screen] Sometimes we can't bear to look either, but cruelty to children can be stopped, and with you're help, it can be stopped forever.

[After a few seconds, the NSPCC logo, as well as the Microsoft icon and the text "Full stop", are shown.]

Female PSA Narrator: Please support our new Full Stop campaign.

["Requiem: Pie Jesu" by Charlotte Church plays as the PSA ends. As it ends, we cut back to the couch, where Malcolm and Tamara, who have stopped crying and instantly break up the hug, just stare at the screen for a moment, Chadtronic removes the paper bag and Wraps uncovers his eyes, and the Critic is still frozen in fear.]