WikiViews/Incredibles 3/The Great Return

Noah: Home at last. God, haven't been here forever. I hope COVID-19 didn't wreck Nolan or Dillon or anyone else.

* Noah notices the room is empty*

Noah: What the fuck happened here? Have I really been gone for THAT long?

Dillon: Fuck yeah.

* Noah notices Incredibles 3 on the TV.*

Noah: THEY MADE AN INCREDIBLES 3!?! What, I've been gone for 28 years?

Dillon: Five hundred and sixty nine.

Noah: Whatever. Is it any good? I liked Incredibles 2 enough but didn't quite reach the heights of the first film.

Dillon: Let's see.

* 2 HOURS LATER*

Noah: (after silence) What the fuck was that?

Dillon: Dog shit.

* We cut to clips of the film.*

Noah: (VO) Incredibles 3... what the fuck happened? They went from one of the greatest films in Pixar's entire catalog, to a flawed but entertaining sequel, to a fucking poorly written piece of shit!

Dillon: (VO) So let's see how this piece of shit goes.

* The film starts.*

Noah: So it starts off with Mr. Incredible coming home from a long day of work.

''Mr. Incredible: Oh my God, this day... it was tough!''

* Elastigirl appears.*

''Elastigirl: You need to be a bit more... flexible.''

* Mr. Incredible laughs pervertedly. Let's Get it On by Marvin Gaye plays as we see Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl making out.*

Noah: (VO) So then Elastigirl stretches all the way so that Mr. Incredible's ding-dong can-

* The clips stop before they become NSFW.*

Noah: Wait, isn't this supposed to be a kids' movie? Why the fuck is this being shown?

Dillon: It is an animated movie! Are everyone perverts?

* They think for a moment.*

Dillon: Wait a minute... let me see the DVD box.

* Noah hands it over.*

Dillon: N-Noah! This isn't Incredibles 3, this is Mr. Incredible's Totally Wicked Sex Tape or whatever!

Noah: HOW THE FUCK DID THAT GET IN HERE? Who bought that?

* Nolan walks away slowly*

Noah: NOLAN! (runs over to him) EXPLAIN THIS!

Nolan: Uh..... I'm horny?

Noah: Okay, we'll you're going back to wherever the hell you bought this and you're selling it. GOT IT?

Nolan: yes.

Noah: (Walking back to the couch) Okay, so let's actually watch Incredibles 3.

(They turn it on)

Noah: (VO) So it starts off with... the Underminer drilling through the ground. Guess I'll give 'em some credit for resolving that from Incredibles 2.

Underminer: Mr. Incredible will be no match for my Dynamic Dynamite Destroyer!

Noah: (VO) Oh yeah, they better show Bomb Voyage as well or else-

Bomb Voyage: (In a strong French accent) ''I will be of assistance! Me and that man have unfinished business!''

Dillon: This is weird.

Noah: How did he even end up here? Oh wait, I forgot-

* NEVER EXPLAINED flashes.*

Noah: Perfect!

Dillon: Magnifico!

Noah: Imagine all those hours saved from actually writing an excuse that makes sense and fits with the story in natural ways.

Dillon: Cause money is all that maters.

Noah: If Brad Bird wrote this, he'd actually have it make sense. Why? Because Brad Bird is a good writer.

Dillon: Even that mediocre Tomorrowland movie made sense.

* We cut back to clips of the film.*

Noah: (VO) So we see the Parr family playing... mini golf?

Dash: I'm gonna score a hole-in-one, and you WON'T, Violet!

Violet: Ugh, you're such a disease.

Noah: Just age them already. Why can't we see them as, like, older? That would be interesting! But no, they have to be the same age because all we care about is money and things that could potentially be interesting don't matter.

Dillon: Save the boring side stories for the TV show.

(More clips are shown.)

Noah: (VO) The Underminer's drill pops up and Bomb Voyage sets off a bunch of explosions underground, causing the mini golf field to be annihilated.

''Underminer: BEHOLD... THE UNDERMINER!''

Noah: (VO) Behold, we fucking get it!

Dillon: Are they seriously the main villains?

Noah: Wait wait wait... how did they even find out their loca- oh yeah, never explained, whatever.

* The text actually flashes EXPLAINED IN A STUPID WAY!*

Noah: Oh, um... this could be interesting. What is the explanation, you may ask? Well, I'll have the Underminer spell it out for you!

''Underminer: I used a tracking device to find out the location of you guys! This little electronic gadget can locate any super, and I locked it on you guys! You will NEVER be safe from me! MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!''

Noah: Okay, but now you may be wondering, how did he get his hands on the gadget? Then it's this.

* NEVER EXPLAINED flashes.*

Dillon: This would make more sense if the villain was someone original maybe with a grudge on one of the parents. Like I dunno XEREK THE DITCHED VILLAIN OF THE FIRST FILM!

Noah: Or maybe it's the same one as the Screenslaver, I don't know, point is, it's never explained.

(Cuts back to the film)

* Mr. Incredible throws a golf ball at the Underminer's drill, causing it to explode.*

Mr. Incredible: HOLE IN ONE!

'''Noah: WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DOES THAT FUCKING WORK? GTRFGIJFREKRDIFGVBJFKREOIDRFJGVBKRFJGBH'''

* Noah explodes.*

Dillon: Noah?

Nolan: I think that movie finally made him snap. Oh well... we did it. Incredibles 3 is the movie that made him blow up!

Dillon: I thought the live-action Fire Emblem movie was gonna make him explode.

Nolan: A moment of silence for Noah.

* Sad piano music plays. Dillon shoots the piano player and opens a dimensional portal. An alternate Noah comes out.*

Noah: So... you can throw a golf ball at a fucking metal drill that destroys the fucking Earth and it's enough for it to explode?

Dillon: Apparently.

Noah: That's actually retarded.

Dillon: It really is.

(We cut to clips of Incredibles 3.)

Noah: (VO) Incredibles 1... an action-packed car chase with gunshots, robbers, a cat stuck in a tree, and clearly established stakes. Incredibles 2, Metroville being destroyed, a monorail running off track, explosions, a bank robbery, and clearly established stakes. Incredibles 3? LET'S PLAY MINI GOLF! Uh oh... the Underminer is here! And Bomb Voyage who blew up the whole thing! What should we do? Throw a golf ball! YAY! It works!

Dillon: This is why i don't believe Pixar is the best animation studio...

(Footage is shown)

Noah: (VO) So after all this, while the mini golf field is destroyed, and the Incredibles are honored for their heroic deeds for saving anyone from dying during this shoc- nah, just kidding, the government blames them and passes an act to make superheroes illegal again. Why? Cuz it's the fucking Incredibles!

Dillon: WHAT IS IT WITH INCREDIBLES SEQUELS AND MAKING THEM ILLEGAL AGAIN?!

Noah: Remember what I said? Writing has to be easy.

Dillon: True.

(More footage)

Noah: So then, um...

* The Underminer and Bomb Voyage are shown having a disco dance party. Running in the 90s is playing in the background.*

''Underminer: OH YEAH! FEELS GOOD TO SEE THEM GET WHAT THEY DESERVE!''

Bomb Voyage: Oui!

* Noah and Dillon are staring at the TV awkwardly.*

Nolan: Hey guys! I'm back from the- what's going on?

* It shows them dancing again. We cut back to the three of them.*

Noah: What...?

Dillon: This is surreal...