Lincoln's Little Problem (Hey Arnold! style)

The Royal Woods Elementary School Bus
Clyde walks in and sits right next to Ronnie Anne with his cookie tin full of prune cookies.

Ronnie Anne: "Seriously? prune cookies? are you kidding me?"

Clyde: "1 of my dads puts them in everything he bakes."

Zach: "Man, Clyde, I notice prunes are the nastiest cookie flavors in the entire universe."

Lincoln: “Actually, Clyde, prunes are enjoyed by other people of all ages and despite the rather of their unpleasant appearance, they’re kind of tasty, not to mention an extra source of iron and a wonderful implement of relation.”

Clyde: “Here, Lincoln, why don’t you just take them?”

Lincoln: “Don’t mind if I do, Clyde, the iron will give me a lot of energy when I accept my award this afternoon.”

Lincoln eats 1 single prune cookie outta the blue container.

Lincoln: “Wow, those are very tasty.”

Royal Woods Elementary School/the auditorium
Lincoln walks around the hallways and eats the entire container and stops by a trash can.

Lincoln: “I guess I was kind of starving.”

Lincoln throws the empty container in the trash can and walks away from it.

[Lincoln’s Stomach Grumbles]

Lincoln: “I think I spoke too soon.”

Meanwhile in the auditorium……

Wilbur: “Now, students, your attention please, students…..”

[Red Microphone Vibrates]

Wilbur: “Now, students, please join me in congratulating the recipient of this month’s excellence in attendance award for the 39 months in a row, I give you Royal Woods Elementary School's own student, Lincoln Thomas Loud.”

[All Royal Woods Elementary School Students Cheering And Applauding]

Lincoln: “Thanks a bunch, Principal Huggins, and thanks to all of you, after all, it’s not just my passion for knowledge in my superior education that keeps me dutifully coming back to Royal Woods Elementary School every single day, it’s also the kind and nurturing environment created by my super good friends and peers.”

[Applauding Continues]

Lincoln puts the red microphone behind his back.

[Farting Sounds]

[Lincoln Gasps In Shock]

Lana: “Lincoln. Lincoln just farted!”

[All Royal Woods Elementary School Students Laughing Uncontrollably]

Zach: “Whoa, man, he cut the cheese.”

Lola: “Right into the microphone, that's absurd.”

[Laughing Continues]

Ian: “I think I’m gonna wet my pants!”

Lincoln: “But, you guys, I didn’t do it, it wasn’t me, I swear, it was…it was my sneaker.”

Zach: “His sneaker?”

Ian: “That’s a good 1.”

[Ian Laughs Uncontrollably]

[All Royal Woods Elementary School Students Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Lincoln drops his award and the red microphone on the stage floor and runs off outside.

Ronnie Anne: “Lincoln, wait, come back here!”

Lincoln: “Forget about it, Ronnie Anne, I’m going back home right now.”

Ronnie Anne: “Lincoln, what just happened is no big deal, I’m pretty sure it happens all the time, in fact, I bet there’s not 1 single person we know that doesn’t have an embarrassing uh…fart storm.”

Lincoln: “Well, have you ever done it in public before? you know, passed gas.”

Ronnie Anne: “Not exactly, I mean….not into the school microphone.”

Lincoln: “Then how can you possibly understand the other humiliation about what I just experienced.”

Ronnie Anne: “Well, Lincoln, I know things might seem really bad right now, but trust me, by tomorrow, everybody will forget about what just happened.”

Lincoln: “Really, Ronnie Anne?”

Ronnie Anne: “Positive, Lincoln.”

Lincoln: “Maybe you’re absolutely right, Ronnie Anne, maybe by tomorrow morning, everybody will forget about my little incident.”

Back in the school building
[School Bell Ringing]

Lincoln: “Well, so far, so good.”

Lincoln goes over to take a drink from the water fountain.

[Lana Making More Farting Sounds]

Lana: “Look, everybody, it’s the farter, are you gonna let another 1 rip for us today, little Mr. Farty pants.”

[All Students Laughing Uncontrollably]

Lincoln runs away from the laughing.

The school cafeteria kitchen
Lincoln: “I’ll take the veggie puff, a slice of sourdough bread and a little portion of Brussels sprouts, please.”

Lunch Lady Jane: “Are you really sure that’s such a good idea, Lincoln?”

Lincoln: “Pardon?”

Lunch Lady Jane: “You know, Lincoln, 'cause of your little problem, Brussels sprouts are quite gassy.”

Zach: “Lunch Lady Jane's absolutely right, Lincoln, you don’t wanna be farting in front of everybody all over again,”

Lana: “or dropping another 1 of those stink bombs. Ka-boom!”

Agnes Johnson's 5th grade classroom
Agnes: “Now, students, who can come up to our beautiful and special chart of the human digestive tract and tell me which organ is the small intestine and which is the colon, oh, how ‘bout you, Francesca?”

Francesca: “Gosh, Ms. Johnson, maybe you need to ask Lincoln instead, you know, since he’s the ‘digestive expert’.”

[All Students Laughing Uncontrollably]

Agnes: “Now, Students, I know you all might think what happened to Lincoln yesterday afternoon is amusing, but I assure you that it’s not, the power of gas is just a perfectly natural part of our bodies’ very special digestive system, it’s nothing to poke fun at and nothing to be ashamed of, now, Francesca, please come up to the front of the classroom and point out the correct organs on the fart.”

[All Students Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Agnes: "Uh.......stop, stop, stop, I mean chart."

The Loud family's house
Lincoln: “So then, during our science lesson, instead of saying the word chart, Ms. Johnson just said….well, you know and so consequently, I decided that I’m never going back to school ever again.”

Lynn: “Well, Lincoln, maybe you need to take a little time before you make up your mind for certain ways.”

Lori: “Why don’t you just stay home with all of us for the rest of the week? by then, you’ll have a much better perspective on this situation.”

Lincoln: “Alright, Mom, Dad and sisters, but I assure you I’m quite positive about my decision.”

[Doorbell Ringing]

Lincoln opens the door to see Ronnie Anne standing right by the doorway.

Lincoln: “Ronnie Anne, what are you doing here?”

Ronnie Anne: “Well, Lincoln, I was thinking about what a tough day you had and I wanted to stop by and make sure everything’s alright.”

Lincoln: “Well, I’m just perfectly fine.”

Ronnie Anne: “Really? that’s good news to hear.”

Lincoln: “Yeah right, ever since I decided that I’m never going back to school, I was doing just fine.”

Ronnie Anne: “You’re never going back to school? Lincoln, don’t you think you’re over reacting?”

Lincoln: “No, I think I’m being perfectly rational considering circumstances.”

Ronnie Anne: “Come on, Lincoln, you really can’t run away from this……this farting thing.”

Lincoln: “I’m terribly sorry, Ronnie Anne, but I made up my mind, as long as the other students continue to regard me as a gas passer, I’m afraid I got no other choice, but to turn the other cheek, no pun intended.”

Lincoln closes the door on Ronnie Anne.

[Ronnie Anne Sighs Depressingly]

Back in Agnes Johnson's classroom
Ronnie Anne: “And he’s totally embarrassed and upset that he’s never coming back to school.”

[All Students Gasp In Shock]

Agnes: “Thanks a bunch, Ronnie Anne, for bringing this very serious issue to our attention.”

[Agnes Sighs Depressingly]

Agnes: “Now, students, 1 of our very own classmates is in super big trouble and it’s up to us to help him through his crisis, I think we should all go over to Lincoln’s right after school and tell him that he’s got nothing to be embarrassed about, I think we should tell him that we really love him and care about him and if he comes back to school, we’ll all forget about his little incident and never speak about it again, what do you say to that?”

[Crickets Chirping]

Agnes: “Alright, if we pull this off, then tomorrow’s movie week.”

[All PS 118 5th Grade Students Cheering Wildly]

The Loud-Santiago-Casagrande-McBride Apartment
Agnes: “Now, alright, remember, students, we’re all here to make Lincoln feel so much better about his little uh…….incident and to remind him that we like him, we care about his well-being and above all that he’s very kind to all of us, now who wants to go 1st? how ‘bout you, Ronnie Anne?”

Ronnie Anne: “Well, here we go again.”

The scene cuts to Lincoln’s bedroom…………

Ronnie Anne: “Now, Lincoln, this entire thing is just crazy, trust me, eventually, this terrible nightmare’s gonna end real soon.”

Lincoln: “It is, Ronnie Anne?”

Ronnie Anne: “Yeah right, of course it is and right before you know it, everybody’s gonna stop making fun of you to your face, so instead, they’ll only make fun of you behind your back.”

[Lincoln Sighs Depressingly]

Lisa: “Wow, Lincoln, I heard you were terribly upset and I just wanna try and cheer you up a bit.”

Lincoln: “I appreciate the attempt, Lisa, but I’m afraid you’re wasting your time.”

Lisa: “Well, Lincoln, you might be right, but anyhow, I wrote you a poem to express the way I’m feeling about you.”

[Lisa Clears Her Throat]

Lisa: If my dear brother, Lincoln went away

we wouldn’t know just what to say

if I could wish upon 1 single star

I wish you would stay here

where you are

if you go

then we’ll be blue

all of us

and Ms. Johnson too

it seems ashamed

that we would be parted

just ‘cause………you farted.”

[Lincoln Groans Depressingly Again]

Lincoln lies right down on his bed.

Agnes: “Lincoln, I know what you experienced seems like an insurmountable obstacle to you right now, but I promise you that you would overcome it.”

Lincoln: “How do you know by that, Ms. Johnson?”

Agnes: “Well, Lincoln, for 1 thing I already forgot about it, in fact, I look at you the only thing I can see is a bright, caring, sport playing and very talented young man with the entire world in his feet.”

Lincoln: “Oh, Ms. Johnson, you’re just saying that to make me feel so much better.”

Agnes: “No, I’m not, Lincoln, I really mean it.”

Lincoln: “Really, Ms. Johnson?”

Agnes: “Really, Lincoln.”

Lincoln: “Thanks a bunch, Ms. Johnson.”

Agnes: “You’re quite welcome, Lincoln, now, what do you say we join the class and the rest of the school and forget about what just happened and put this little episode behind us for good? let’s move on and make a brand new fart.”

Lincoln: “Oh, Ms. Johnson, not again.”

Lincoln nearly faints.

Agnes: “Stop, don’t even begin, Lincoln!”

Stella: “Look, Lincoln, you need to snap outta this, I mean, good grief, it’s not like it’s the 1st time you ever farted, technically at a sleepover, you do it all the time, you rip them all night long and they smell bad to high heaven, it’s all I can do to keep from passing out.”

Lincoln: “Just get outta here, Stella.”

Stella: “Well, it’s all up to you now, Clyde.”

Clyde enters Lincoln's bedroom……………

Clyde: “Lincoln, are you feeling so much better right now?”

Lincoln: “Actually, Clyde, I’m feeling a little bit worse, I know now that nobody’s ever gonna forget about what I did, from now on, when other people look at me, the only thing they’ll see is a boy who flatuated.”

Clyde: “That’s not true, Lincoln.”

Lincoln: “Get real, Clyde, 12 years of living have been reduced to 130 solitary farts.”

Clyde: “Come on, Lincoln, you know there’s more to you than that.”

Lincoln: “Well of course there is, Clyde, I’m good at sports and intelligent, I’m clean and tidy and organized, I got the perfect attendance record and I’m very good at playing ‘Go Fish’.”

Clyde: “Well, Lincoln, then you gotta do something to make other people remember all of those things, you got a choice to make, you can run away from your problems, sit around in your bedroom and hide from the entire universe or you can go back to school and stand up for yourself.”

Lincoln: “I can’t do that, Clyde, I can’t face them.”

Clyde: “If you can’t face the entire class, you’re never gonna face yourself.”

Clyde exits Lincoln’s bedroom.