Weathering With You (The Private Reviewer)

(The Private Reviewer's chair appears without him in it, the camera moves around the house as if looking for him; it goes into the bathroom and finds PR in the shower fully clothed, hiding; he spots the camera)

PR: (picks up shampoo bottle) Here it is! Hehe, found it. The...shampoo, I...imagined it...being in the shower. (laughs) That's...that's, um...OK, I really don't wanna do this. I mean, this movie stinks! (beat) Okay, three stars out of ten. But it must be worth reviewing Weathering With You. (camera shakes slowly, meaning "MY GOD! This is crazy!".) Not you.

(The title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips of the movie.)

PR (v/o): Just thinking about this movie makes me crap-head. Everything about it isn't bad. The story's poorly, the writing's decent, the acting's best; I'd rather have a stinking weather ripoff by Pocahontas version, than watch this pathetic pile of watery grave!

PR: Let's take a look at the flooding rise level crap out of Weathering With You... without you.

PR (v/o): This film starts off with Japan is experiencing a period of exceptionally wet weather.

(A window pane covered Hina's head, camera zooms out)

PR (v/o): Wha...?

PR (as Mitsuha Miyamizu from the English dub of Your Name.): (gasps in shock) (leans close into the camera, slams the table) Whaa-AAA-AHAT?!?!?!

PR (v/o): I mean, that teenage girl (Hina) of average build and height with long, straight black hair which she ties into two low ponytails laid on her shoulder, and blue eyes? She's a similar counterpart to Mitsuha Miyamizu approach the same of a main character.

(a briefly clip of Your Name., showing Mitsuha Miyamizu)

Mitsuha Miyamizu: (leans close into the mirror at the camera, slams the mirror) WHAAAAAT?!?!?!

(back to the movie...)

PR (v/o): And she usually wears a sleeveless white hoodie over a pink tank top, and rolled-up denim shorts? Seriously, she actually had to do similar to (in the center of a shot with a supporting character from A Goofy Movie...) Roxanne in a dream sequence.

(The audio clip from SpongeBob SquarePants is shown)

Customer: Boo! You stink!

PR (v/o): And, technically, why are those rain drops coming out of the window? She actually heard enough to make a underrated dramatically shots of the camera.

(Hina leaves her mother's bedside and goes to the shrine, crosses its gate, and is momentarily transported to a world seemingly in the sky.)

PR (v/o): Oh, come on. What are you running away from that hospital? (as the Huntsman from Disney's Snow White) Run away into the sewers! Anywhere! Never come ba-- (Hina runs upstairs and went to the shrine, normal) Oh. Don't you run away from the sewers? She runs into the poopy shrine, don't you? (Hina gasps as open his eyes, transported to a sky) Hey! Is that she can fly like Peter Pan in the sky? (as she looks at the grassy field in the sky, Hina looking curious) And she seeing the fishes floating? (a clouds pass through Hina) And she actually looks at cloudy Haku's dragon form pass through the character? Wasn't that pointless?

(a title appears Weathering With You is shown)

Narrator: ...we changed the shape of the world.

PR: All right, weathering without you is more like it! So, can you imagined they had to do an opening mix-up with Open Season sequel?

(a clip plays again with title appears Weathering With You is shown as Elliot speaks in a first Open Season sequel)

Elliot: (v/o) When new beginnings begin...

(a clip of Open Season 2 is shown)

Elliot: ...and where the mighty mule deer... ...prepares for his upcoming mating ritual.

PR: Yeah, enough with that a new beginnings begin, but what was up with a fake might mule crap? (as the clip about Elliot's new antlers are cracked off at a tree) That's gonna hurt. (as Elliot screams at off-screen)

PR (v/o): As cut to a high-school freshman Hodaka Morishima runs away from his home and moves to Tokyo. So, what does Hodaka had a similar to (a shot of a character from A Goofy Movie) Max Goof?

PR: Well, let's see what he turns into a giant Goofy is up to.

(as a quickly clip of A Goofy Movie when Max change until he looks exactly like his father, Goofy. Roxanne screams at the intensity closeup, then Goofy does his signature guffaw while lightning strikes)

PR: Eh, fair enough.

PR (v/o): On the trip, he almost gets thrown off a ferry when a freakish rainstorm hits it.

?????

PR (v/o): It was a bit melodramatic for my taste, but it had an undeniable charm and a pure-hearted intent that was hard to resist. Given the fact that it went on to become the highest-grossing anime of all time in Japan, I guess you can't blame the guy for trying to capture the same magic with his follow up. But sadly, Weathering with You is such a transparent rehashing that it feels like a parody of itself. It takes all of the same elements - teen love, fate, fantastical realism, coming of age, melodrama, natural wonder - and remixes it into a Disney's Pocahontas version of Your Name. with any of the finesse or charm. The main characters here can be boiled down to "boy who ran away from home" and "girl who lost her mom." In two hours, we learn absolutely nothing about these individuals or their families. Instead, we're treated to ridiculously overblown set pieces sound-tracked by overbearing pop-rock tunes which fall eye-rollingly flat given that no time at all is spent investing us in these characters. The first half isn't awful and does a serviceable job of setting a tone, but the third act is an absolute train wreck full of clashing tones, poorly-executed action sequences, sloppy writing, and ridiculous plot contrivances. The writing is a problem for much of the film as well with clunky exposition and extremely on-the-nose dialogue in which the characters gratingly explain the movie to you. I have to say, I'm a bit baffled at the positive reception for this. Even if you loved Your Name., I wouldn't recommend it.

PR: I'm the Private Reviewer. And... go crazy.

(he gets up and leaves. And the credits roll)

Tagline - Customer' (from SpongeBob SquarePants): Boo! You stink!