League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Tempest Rewrite

As a fan of Alan Moore and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen series, I was very disappointed with how it came to an end. So, I have written my own version for how things should've unravelled after Volume 2 and the Nemo Trilogy.

== Black Dossier == James Bond ... uh, I mean Jimmy ... isn’t a rapist or a traitor. Granted, he is still a sexist, a thug, and gets beat up more often, just like in the original books. He seduces Mina and takes her to his bachelor pod, where she drugs him and steals the keys to the old Ministry of Love, where she and Allan steal the Black Dossier.

Bond still kills John Night, but only because Mr. Night grew fond of working for Big Brother, and after it fell decided to defect to the Soviet Union. So, Bond killed him to prevent the Soviets from having a technological advantage over the free world.

Still, Drummond is angered by the murder of his friend, and is killed by Bond in self-defense

Everything else stays the same, except for some small appearances by Popeye, Desperate Dan, and the Shadow.

Century: 2009
Hogwarts is destroyed not by Harry Potter, but by Dennis the Menace. After stealing the mystic black sword Stormbringer from a Paris museum for fun, an 11-year-old Dennis is inspired to steal an invitation to Hogwarts from his “softy” wizard boy neighbor. While taking the form of a wand, Stormbringer performs magic for Dennis, who gets increasingly angry at the strict rules at the school.

Finally, Stormbringer inspires him to embrace his sadistic, sociopathic nature and destroy Hogwarts and all the students. However, Harry and his friends have already graduated, with Neville Longbottom as the newest faculty member.

Neville puts up a good fight against Dennis, who is completely taken over by Stormbringer. Dennis demands to know where the Moonchild is, but Neville has no idea, and his head is pulled off as a trophy.

Mina, Orlando, and Allan obey Prospero to search for the Antichrist, and find whom they presume to be him in Harry Potter’s old residence. But it’s really Dennis, who is waiting for Harry to return at the insistence of Neville’s head. The fight plays out the same as in the original, with Alan dying, Mary Poppins winning, and her taking both Neville’s head and Excalibur. However, she warns Mina and Orlando not to trust Prospero after they refuse an invitation to come with her. Also, Jack Nemo is trying to end the War on Terror by attacking jihadist camps as well as US army drones. In the past, he secretly aided MI5 in capturing Ernt Stravo Blofeld.

Minions of the Moon
The events of The First Men in the Moon and Maza of the Moon happen simultaneously. Selwyn Cavor is made god-king of the Selenites, whom he unites with the Nak-Kar through a marriage to Princess Maza, whom is also married to Ted Dustin, who has brought peace between Earth and the Moon with a small human settlement and laboratory.

Several decades later, and the Lunite Amazons have kidnapped several Nak-Kar men to forcibly help in repopulating their race. Propero sends Mina and the Golliwog to prevent a war breaking out. Mina notices the corpse of Moriarty, frozen in orbit while still clutching cavorite.

Mina brings the cavorite to an elderly Cavor, who is overjoyed at his long-lost creation. The substance is replicated and used to make flying war machines. With the assistance of the Rose to Nowhere, they quickly conquer the Amazons.

The Lunites are then made a part of the Selenite-Nak-Kar civilization as low-level soldiers. In exchange for their military service, each Amazon is given to a Nak-Kar man (his marital status irrelevant), who makes her a mother.

Oh, and Moriarity’s brain is analyzed at the moon laboratory. The scientists realize how dangerous said brain is, and destroy it.

The Tempest
Mina and Orlando take Emma to the pool of Kor, granting her immortality and eternal youth. They make the same voyage to Lincoln Island, with Mina and Orlando helping Emma discover her bisexuality.

Jimmy Bond is appointed as the new M. After being briefed on the “Antichrist” incident, he employs the Impossible Mission Force (IMF) to track down Emma. They find Emma’s old spy associates - Cathy, Tara, and Patsy - and deceive them into spilling information. After this, they reveal themselves to be cult members and take their own lives.

Bond and the IMF use the information to find the pool of Kor. After bathing in it, Bond sets off a bomb to destroy the pool. They all return to London, where bond announces that their job will be “truly impossible”.

Mina, Orland, and Emma reach Lincoln Island, and are welcomed by Jack Nemo. He asks if they needs anything, and Orlando comments than none of them have had sex with a man for a while. Jack is happy to oblige, and fulfills the needs of all three women. None of them notice that Jack’s half-sister Greta Mors is peeping on them while touching herself. The Van Dusen AI informs Emma of the deaths of her friends, and incorrectly concludes that they were murdered. He also learns of Bond’s nuclear attack on the Blazing World. Satin Astro and Marsman come to an America in the long-term aftermath of Atlas Shrugged - a society where only the rich prosper, the richest of whom is Scrooge McDuck, owner of the 51st state inhabited by anthropomorphic animals (all descended from Dr. Moreau’s creations). The two find Captain Universe in a retirement home for golden age superheroes.

While all superheroes have true superpowers, they all had to abandon a secret identity to pay bills, and thus signed contracts with corporations. As a result, many of their villains and battles were engineered for the sake of profit. The ones who benefited most from this were Batman, Green Arrow, Iron Man, and Lex Luthor.

Many of them even had their backstories fabricated, such as Superman, Captain America, and Wonder Woman being the bastard children of Hugo Hercules, who was paid to sire such heroes. With the failures of Hugo Danner and Doc Savage, it became clear that making superheroes naturally was the best way to go. Shazam’s powers were real, though, but he has since became an old man with dementia.

(Now that I think about it, I’d replace Hugo Hercules with Doc Savage in LXG, since he’s way more famous.)

However, all superheroes have no regrets, as the important thing is the role models they played for American youth. But British superheroes never got so popular, and after the Seven Stars disbanded, they all retired and started families.

While the IMF plan out their next attacks on magical realms, Jimmy Bond begins sending a massively huge data file to the moon laboratory.

Orlando and Emma are taken to England by Greta Mors, where they begin their plan to murder Bond. While the Nautilus prepares for launch, Mina listens to Jack play the piano, and between that and his love-making, finds that she is falling for him.

Once the Nautilus launches, Jack puts Tacarigua Ishmael and her husband Hugo Hercules in charge of navigation while he and Mina perform vigorous sex for the whole voyage. For the first time since Alan, Mina takes off her scarf, and allows Jack to bite her vampire scars. Once again, she feels physically and spiritually whole with her partner.

While piloting the Nautilus, Tacarigua recalls how she and Jack were each other’s first loves, but he lost interest in her as her body became more muscular, and his eyes shifted toward the much more feminine body of his half-sister. Tacarigua was the only one who knew of their secret relationship, and is happy that Jack had found someone who could provide him with an heir.

The Nautilus docks in Toyland, ruled by Frankenstein’s Monster and Queen Olympia. It’s also the location of Santa’s Workshop, from where the living toys are created. From here, toys are made and given to children every Christmas, and in their sentience they only have one long-lived wish and desire - to be played with by a child.

The Nautilus then makes its way to the Blazing World, and the undocking crew consists of Mina, Jack, Hugo, Ishmael, the Pink Child, Engelbrecht, the Golliwog, and the Dutch Dolls.

In London, Orlando and Emma recruit Jason King into their plan. He is meant to stop MI5 from assaulting more magical realms, but Austin Powers keeps accidentally stopping him, while Black Spy and White Spy keep maiming him.

While waiting for their plan to unfold, Orlando decides to use sex to escape boredom, so she initiates an orgy with Emma, Greta, Satin Astro, and Marsman. She later meets up with two of her old frequent sex partners - Andrew Norton and Jerry Cornelius - and they engage in a threesome once they announce their intentions of leaving due to the upcoming apocalypse.

In the Blazing World, Jack and Mina attend a play about the founding of the League. This play reveals that the whole history of the League was predicted centuries ago, and ends with the cast leading the audience in reciting from the Necronomicon. Mina and Jack are disturbed, but nevertheless accept an invitation to the home of Prospero and Glorianna.

Jason King attempts to stop the data upload to the moon lab, but is stopped by a shootout involving IMF. Jimmy goes back to his bachelor pad where he takes in Orland and Emma, posing as the prostitutes he had ordered. While Emma is in the middle of sex with Bond, Orlando shoots him in the back with Jerry Cornelius’s Needle Gun. Emma slams Bond on his back, forcing the needles deeper into him, and continues screwing him while breaking his bones, angrily shouting all the things he’d done to her. They climax simultaneously, and Jimmy laughs at her.

Jimmy explains that he’s dealt with women trying to kill him in bed plenty of times, and he always has a way to deal with it. But not this time, because he knows too much. Everything he’s done has been for the good of humanity; not following the government, but his own mind. Meanwhile, Emma is only after revenge, which is insignificant in the grand scheme of what is to come. He encourages her to finish the job, as it would make both of them happy. She angrily does so.

In the Blazing World, Prospero reveals that he had left a spell on Basildon Bond that him that would have made him and his descendants subject to his influence. All of the League’s actions have ultimately been done to make sure that nothing was done to delay what is to happen right then…

' The Awakening of Cthulhu. '

Prospero reminds Mina of all the past mentions within LXG of Lovecraftian monsters - the events of Allan and the Sundered Veil, her investigations of paranormal phenomena in The New Traveler’s Almanac, the events of What Ho Gods of the Abyss and The Crazy Wide Forever from The Black Dossier, and Jack’s grandmother’s discovery of The Mountains of Madness.

All of Mina’s actions were done so that he could use the info to plot out the best course for awakening the Great Old Ones, so that they could regain control of Earth. Even the Martian invasion, which was actually done by the Star Spawn of Cthulhu, whose bodies were dissected into making the necessary ingredients and then sewed into the soil across Earth, Mars, Venus and the Moon.

Yes, Mina’s involvement of the moon was also necessary. Since the inhabitants of the Moon mostly lived underground they all needed to be relocated to one general area to not disturb the Great Old Ones there. Thanks to the cavorite, that’s exactly what happened.

Also, Mina’s work with the Seven Stars as well. Now, The Mass that had been devoured by Toby the Fat Schoolboy had been developing inside his corpse into a Shoggoth, right underneath London.

Now, using the nuclear explosion fired by Bond, Prospero has exactly what the last ingredient in starting the apocalypse. With that explosion, Cthulhu awakens, causing a black sky and waves of insanity to encompass the world. After him come the other Great Old Ones, followed by their monstrous descendants (which include yeti and other folklore monsters, giant bugs, kaiju, Deep Ones, and Vril-Ya). All active superheroes are driven into cataconic states, zombies rise up from graves, and Trogdor burninates the countryside.

Mina asks Prospero why he would do this. He answers that Prospero is just one of many forms he’s taken in the centuries he’s been on Earth. He morphs into one of those forms that Mina knows very well - Count Dracula. Upon seeing the monster again, Mina is overcome with shock and collapses into Jack’s arms. Dracula congratulates her on being his only victim with a mind strong enough to withstand his influence (unless Glorianna, who made it too easy to become ruler of the Blazing World). It was her strength of will and determination that made her into his greatest puppet.

As the other humans prepare to fight to escape, Prospero/Dracula reveals his true name - Nyarlathotep - and transforms into his true form, The Crawling Chaos. Mina goes into a paralysis, while Jack starts screaming from insanity. Hugo, Tacarigua, and the Galley-Wag try to fight back, but it’s no use and they also fall into insanity. Nyarlathotep continues to mock a barely conscious Mina while stripping her and getting ready to rape her. Then he is blasted with a beam of pink light from The Pink Child, and then pinned against the wall by a blindfolded Engelbrecht using the Trident of Gargarensis. As the dwarf boxer mocks his target for being defeated by a giant fork, his blindfold falls off and he falls victim to insanity.

Then Santa Claus comes crashing through the roof, with the Dutch Dolls on his sleigh. As the Dolls and Pink child lift the only survivors - Mina and Hugo - into the sleigh, Santa declares Nyarlathotep to be “the naughtiest one of all”. Santa punishes Nyarlathotep with infinite lumps of flaming coal, shot out of his sack like a machine gun.

In London, Emma and Orlando search Bond’s apartment. They find that his laptop is ready to play a video showing Bond’s assassination of Emma’s father, confirming that the latter truly was a traitor. They also find a stash of a variety of needles made for the Needle Gun. Then Greta flies the plane directly outside and informs them of what’s going on. The MI5 building has been engulfed by a massive Shoggoth, Gorgo has risen upon from the Thames, and the city running wild with goblins and werewolves. Still mostly naked, Emma and Orlando jump into the plane and began to fly away from London, only to be attacked by Vril-Ya.

The Vril-Ya tear the three women out of the plane and begin raping them on the side of Big Ben’s tower. They are rescued by the 18-year-old Kim Possible-Stoppable, her husband Ron, and their pet Rufus. With the Shoggoth reaching Parliament, Kim opens up a nearby street light and they all get sucked down a tube. They land in front of [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Totally_Spies! Dean Martin, director of the European division of WHOOP]. He briefly explains how another covert organization called The Center has provided them with excerpts from the Pines Journals to do what they can to keep all the monsters at bay. He also mentions that their rescue was based on direct orders from Bond, and now they are to send them back to Lincoln Island via a giant slingshot (built and operated by the Eds) that sends them through the center of the Earth.

Santa brings Mina and Hugo to Lincoln Island and magically makes them conscious. The Pink Child uses her pink light to restore them to sanity, but Mina was still in a coma, and appeared to be turning into a vampire once again. Emma, Orlando and Greta also make it back, and neither group wants to explain what’s going on. Hugo leads them to the new Nautilus, which is meant for space travel. A flashback reveals that Jack and his crew had been visited years ago by inter-dimensional-time-travellers Lazarus Long and Maureen Johnson. They explain to the reader that there is a multiverse, where each universe is created by the imagination of an Author in another universe. But the LXG universe was created by the multiverse’s greatest Author, whose imagination was so powerful it caused multiple universes to duplicate and then merge together into one. One of those universes was the Lovecraftian one, and there is a huge risk of his monsters conquering this universe, and then the originals. To avoid this, they help Jack design the Space Nautilus, under the sole pretense that he will be the first to explore among the stars. While building the ship, they also inspire Jack and Greta to unashamedly indulge in their incestuous attractions, proclaiming such a relationship to be perfectly moral as long as nobody is hurt and nothing is stolen.

Upon activating, it’s discovered that Lincoln Island’s inhabitants have succumbed to insanity, including the AI Van Dusen, who sets off the self-destruct sequence. Greta manages to cancel it and manually launch the ship, just as Cthulhu approaches Lincoln Island. They only have enough fuel to make it to the Moon, where the monolith has been transmitting the insanity from Earth. The eldritch monsters on the Moon have started to awaken, and the Selenites seem to be the first ones to start falling into madness. Transmissions from Venus and Mars reveal similar events happening there as well.

Mina is taken into the moon laboratory, where a scientist links her mind to a supercomputer, which begins to download the massive data file sent by Bond. That file contained all human knowledge, including an encyclopedic set of instructions left by Sherlock Holmes. With the vast array of knowledge filling her brain, Mina’s mind suddenly is thrust into the astral plane, where she is greeted by Mary Poppins. Mina asks if she is God, but she denies this. She is one of the “Oyeresu”, one of the most powerful “eldilia” (from C. S. Lewis’s Space Trilogy). The Eldilia are also known as Elohim in the Bible and the Elder Gods in Lovecraftian lore. They battled the Great Old Ones across the stars for millennia, with both sides ultimately losing power while interbreeding with humanity and humanoid species. While the Great Old Ones produced monsters, the Eldilia produced magic users - witches and wizards on Earth, sorns on Mars, and “perelandrans” on Venus. Magic is the only thing that can be immune to eldritch insanity, but normal humans have something else that can be used against them - their intelligence.

In the year 802701, the Time Traveler turned a Sphinx into his headquarters for fighting the Great Old Ones and Outer Gods throughout all time and space. To do this, he recruited numerous agents known as the Time Lords, and used his time machine to build a Tardis for each of them. One of them enlisted the aid of Sherlock Holmes, who also recruited occult experts Thomas Carnacki and Oliver Haddo. Together, they traveled through time and space, formulating a plan to banish the eldritch forces from the universe. This was the plan that Mina was now in the sole possession of in her brain.

Of course, this means Oliver Haddo was never a villain. He did a lot of horrible things, but it was all to create the Moonchild - Harry Potter - to be Earth’s greatest magical warrior. This is also why Andrew Norton, a Time Lord confined to London, made sure they instead went after the “Antichrist”, and Carnacki didn’t start working with Haddo until after receiving his visions.

Bond was also a hero as well. On top of the data file, his bathing in the pool of Kor had liberated him from any influence by Nyarlathotep, and then he had nuked the pool because it would turn into a mass of shoggoths once Cthulhu awoke. Now, Mina has been chosen by Uatu, King of the Oyeresu, to lead all people across the stars in the upcoming war against the eldritch beings. Mina at first doesn’t want any part of this. The last super-magical being she trusted turned out to be a monster, so why should be yet another puppet?

Mary Poppins responds by revealing her true form - an energy being that was even more terrifying than the crawling chaos. But said being completely enveloped her, and Mina felt nothing but divine love - a love stronger than any human being had ever given her before. Mina accepted this love, and felt her body, soul, and mind be purified.

Upon returning to her body, the download completed, and Mina awoke a new person. She used her new knowledge of magic words and symbols to dispel the encroaching madness and push back the monsters as she approached the monolith.

Once there, she saw and spoke directly to Nyarlathotep through it. The monster declared his victory as humans were nothing more than insects, but Mina answered by saying, “Look around. You’ve shaken a beehive, and now you’re getting stung.” Back on Earth, the resistance was already starting: Mina makes it clear that Nyarlathotep will ultimately fail, and before destroying the monolith, she declares her new identity - Mysta of the Moon. Mysta, Emma, and Orlando form a new League - the League of Interstellar Space Vixens (LISV) - while Greta and Hugo take on the roles of Nemo and Ishmael, respectively.
 * Harry Potter, now wielding Excalibur, reveals his status as the Moonchild to the world, and sets up a haven for refugees in the Hundred Acre Wood.  Other witches and wizards begin protecting humanity including Worzel Gummidge, Will Stanton, The Mither Mages, Sabrina Spellman, Kikki, Luna Nova Magical Academy...
 * Billy Batson finally remembers his magic word, and Shazam begins reviving all the catatonic superheroes
 * The Ghostbusters are now a national corporation, and have recently acquired the rights to Fenton Technology
 * Monsters in Japan also have to deal with Pokemon trainers, magical school girls, and a god slayer.
 * In Dimmsdale, Mr. Turner blames the apocalypse on Dinkleberg, who invites him to watch the outside battle between fairies led by Gerald von Strangle and an army of Demogorgon
 * An army of Deep Ones invade Bikini Bottom, where they fall victim to Squidward’s clarinet music, and turn good upon eating Krabby Patties
 * Paul Bunyan fights off giant monsters alongside the Powerpuff Girls
 * In the town of Echo Creek, which had recently merged with the fantastical kingdom of Mewni, members of the Butterfly family regain their use of magic
 * India falls under the protection of Midnight’s Children
 * And Santa Claus will continue to bring the children sentient toys that will protect them from Nightgaunts

Mysta and Greta are also both pregnant by Jack. Mysta gives birth to a son Allan Henry, while Greta gives birth to a daughter Janni Hira. While Mysta leads the war effort from the Moon, Greta raises both children, and ultimately encourages them to indulge in their forbidden love. This ultimately leads to enough children and grandchildren for a whole fleet of Space Nautiluses, whose Ishamels are often from an Amazon race.

Finally, the war comes to an end in 2146. Cthulhu is slain, and the forces of Yuggoth are pushed out of the corporeal plane. Magic has turned into super-science, making Earth into a sci-fi paradise. The Nemo family works with planetary governments to form a federation that peaceably explores and colonize the rest of the universe, using their Space Nautiluses as the basis for their starships.

The series ends as the LISV declare their pride in humanity (and Orlando changes her name to Barberalla) and they set off to continue travelling through space, guided by the Oyeresu on adventures full of sex, danger, and wonder.

In Epilogue 1, Orlando recalls her life in between Chapters 2 and 3 of Century. Starving and depressed on the street, she is trying to sell Excalibur when she is noticed by an aristocrat named Lord Croft. He welcomes into his home, where his wife takes a strong liking to her. Orlando agrees to be adopted as their daughter and even lets them rename her as Lara. With her new wealth, she was able to go on many archaeological adventures, but by the time she turned into a man again, her adoptive parents and all the new friends she had made were dead, so he hid Excalibur and enlisted in the army.

In Epilogue 2, after the defeat and death of Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep is bored for decades until he falls for a young Japanese fork master, and takes the form of an energetic teen girl to win his heart.

In Epilogue 3, the year is 2996, and the LISV enjoy relaxing time off from their adventures. They recount all the different roles they’ve taken, which include Mina/Mysta aiding in the creation of super-soldiers and AI to fight the Covenant, Emma becoming a bounty hunter against the Space Pirates, and Orlando enlisting once again until she destroyed the Reapers. Looking at the universe outside, they romantically dance and kiss, knowing that their eternal lives of immortal love and infinite adventure have only just begun.