The Nostalgia Critic Movie/Transcript

(Paramount Pictures, Sony, Columbia Pictures, Tencent Pictures and Channel Awesome logos start. After the logos, the opening credits start while "The Review Must Go On" by Breaking Benjamin plays in the background with clips from the Nostalgia Critic episodes then the title shows "The Nostalgia Critic Movie". After the opening credits and the song, we see Nostalgia Critic who faces the camera while he smiles.)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, ever since I reviewed many worse films over the years, you know exactly what I mean. I'm the star of this movie! (Audience cheers and applauds) Shh, shh. So, believe it or not, The Nostalgia Critic Movie is a comedy film. And every comedy film seems to make sense as it starts with the first joke. Happy Gilmore, The Nutty Professor, A Thousand Words, Jack and Jill. Anyway, did you wanna see a movie with Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, Josh Lucas, Richard Roxburgh, Joe Morton, Sam Shepard and Ian Bliss together directed by, the director of The Fast and the Furious, Rob Cohen? No, nobody wants to see that. But they did, in a fucking piece of shit called Stealth!

(Techno music plays as the title appears and it shows clips from "Stealth")

Nostalgia Critic: And I know what you're thinking, "Why, nobody gives one shit about this hunk of fucking shit made by God-knows-what?" That's exactly what it is. But with all the requests I've been getting to review it, I shouldn't seem why this movie was actually a box office bomb. Anyhow, back in 2005, the same year when Peter Jackson's King Kong was released, Columbia Pictures gave us Stealth. It was panned by critics, bombed at the box office, and it was one of the worst box office films of 2005, behind Wedding Crashers, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Sky High. Who made this movie you asked? Um... Remember when Rob Cohen, the director of xXx and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor directed this hunk of fucking horseshit? I guess he directed this one. How bad is it? Well, Rotten Tomatoes has given it 13%. And according to what I hear, and according to this site, the critical consensus predictably says "Loud, preposterous, and predictable, Stealth borrows heavily and unsuccessfully from Top Gun and 2001."

(The scene cuts back to Nostalgia Critic.)

Nostalgia Critic: That bad, people, that bad! Anyhow, I'll review it when... (Sighs) Malcolm, cut! Tamara, are you watching this?

Tamara: Yes, we're watching, Critic. (Chuckles nervously)

Malcolm: I knew you'd like to review Stealth. Wait a minute, isn't that why the movie was panned by critics, became a box office bomb, and it was one of the worst box office films of 2005?

Nostalgia Critic: Apparently, Malcolm. It apparently was.

Tamara: Oh, right. Anyway, it's all over the news.

Nostalgia Critic: Really?

Tamara: Yes, really. It says they're closing down the store next year.

Nostalgia Critic: Really? What's it called?

Tamara: Gilmore's Supermarket.

Nostalgia Critic: Where's it at?

Malcolm: It's in Hollywood, the neighborhood in Los Angeles, California.

Nostalgia Critic: Ooh! Hollywood! I always wanted to go to Hollywood.

Tamara: Go buy yourself. I'm not even paying tickets to the airport when we go to Hollywood on a vacation. (Turns TV on, but the TV transforms into a robot and hugs Tamara nicely then she sighs) Fine. How are we gonna get to Hollywood?

Nostalgia Critic: By the power of our own wallets.

Tamara: Oh. I think it's gonna be that easy.

Rob: Oh, really? We're going to Hollywood on a vacation? By the power of our own wallets? (Sighs) I don't even know what else to say, but I guess that's fine with me.

Malcolm: So, how come we're using wallets when we have non-annual fee cards?

Nostalgia Critic: I think we're luckily using them to buy anything unlimited.

Malcolm: Huh. That's exactly how unlimited credit cards are entirely unlimited.

Nostalgia Critic: Since we have these unlimited cards, we think we'll go to Hollywood, though.

Jim: I'm surprised that going to Hollywood sounds like a good idea. Critic, you've been reviewing good and bad movies for over the past 15 years.

Critic: I know, Jim. I reviewed those for over the past 15 years.

Rachel: Count me in. I'm going to Hollywood.

Barney: Me, too.

Critic: Hey, I know what you're saying. We should be able to go to Hollywood.

Barney, Rob: Yes.

Critic: By using our wallets!

Malcolm, 'Rachel, 'Tamara: Yes!

Critic: And we'll go to the airport with unlimited credit cards!

Barney, Rob, Malcolm, Tamara, Rachel: Yes, that's the spirit.