As some day it may happen

Lyrics
(Spoken) Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.

Verse
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might well be underground,

And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —

All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —

All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus
He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

Verse
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,

And the piano-organist — I've got him on the list!

And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,

They never would be missed — they never would be missed!

Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,

All centuries but this, and every country but his own;

And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,

And who "doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try";

And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist —

I don't think she'd be missed — I'm sure she'd not be missed!

Verse
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife

The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list!

All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed

And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind

Such as — What d'ye call him — Thing'em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind

And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you

But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list

For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus
You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;

And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!