Kiki's Delivery Service (The Private Reviewer)

(the title sequence play; open on a shot of a brick wall with a flyer on it reading "Court of Videocles". a Totoro-like creature from The Simpsons wearing a judge with Don Messick's Scrappy Doo-like voice announces that movie was freaking Disney out, banging the mallet in the table.)

Judge: Order in that court! That movie (Kiki's Delivery Service) was freaking the Disney work out before a contract getting expired in 2017 to make a deal with A Cat in Paris ' indie distribution (GKIDS) acquired a greatest Japanese animation studio. Why didn't have the first advertised as all of the Disney masterpieces with some horrendous contents?

(a few bunch of Disney VHSs in 1998 of Alice in Wonderland, Dumbo, Robin Hood, Pete's Dragon, and The Sword in the Stone stands up in the table)

Alice in Wonderland: I saw a young witch, personality as curious at the same time. But sometimes there's danger and death!

Dumbo: (with Timothy Mouse's voice) This is why we do not take hallucinogens with scariest pink elephants! Then a few crows speaking of a racial view! They knew have a wrong words to talk of!

Robin Hood: Prince John's gone stark raving mad!

The Sword in the Stone: That scenes are still cranky. Even the wolf being portrayed in a comical manner, it can be quite scary seeing how close he keeps coming to catching me. Then the pike sneaking up behind me in fish form. And the hawk suddenly appearing and almost catching me.

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The Private Reviewer: (nods) It’s about witchcraft, which is like...

(footages of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Disney's Hocus Pocus is shown.)

PR (vo): But it would be a fun little idea to rank the eight from my least favorite to my most favorite is Harry Potter, and the three is Fantastic Beasts and, simply, Hocus Pocus.

PR: But it's not enough what Studio Ghibli made a better one is...

PR (vo): Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle. In my opinion it was one of the best Miyazaki films ever. It had great atmosphere, creative characters, a complex stories and some real legitimate drama.

PR: This is a story about a girl who become a witch who likes to fly into an adulthood as hell—OK, OK. This isn’t what you think. It has Detective Conan in it—OK, just roll it.

(The title screen for Kiki's Delivery Service is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie.)

PR (vo): So when I heard there was Kiki's Delivery Service, I got excited as hell. It's all about plain and simple. It may seem like harmless fun but it’s part of the indoctrination of our kids into the world of the dark side so to speak. The occult is very popular right now and this is another film steeped in the occult. Despite the film is the best, I always like the original one and I can't wait to see... (a poster of an upcoming Kiki's prequel is shown) a decent hand-drawn animated prequel in France and Japan, Kiki: The Little Witch produced at Ankama, along with Studio Ghibli and Wild Bunch, also with attached a screenwriter of an award-winning Spirited Away, Hayao Miyazaki, who he created a final film. (a poster of How Do You Live? is shown) So this story was nothing new at the time, yet it still turned out to be a big hit.

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PR: So, the film begins as the upcoming prequel ends: with a footage.

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Tom (voice by Richard Kind, offscreen) What do you think I am, a dummy?

PR: Shut up.

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PR (vo): This movie is so bad. It's so bad because it's good, it's good because it's weak big budget yen (¥800 million), and it's confusing because it's good. Even the moral makes no sense, so how am I supposed to trust the rest of it?

PR: I watched this, and I'm glad I did. We had GOOD shows in our day.

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Tagline – Jiji: They're calling you an egg-stealer!

(the credits roll)