Sesame Street Live!/Transcript

Staples Center
The show begins with Bruno the Trashman (performed in-costume by Jim Kroupa) entering the stage with a trash can. Bruno drops the can and leaves.

Oscar the Grouch (performed by Eric Jacobson with assistance from Paul McGinnis) pops out of the can.

OSCAR: Oh, hello. Welcome to Sesame Street. How's everyone tonight?

(audience cheers)

OSCAR: Yeah? Well, I feel dirty and rotten! In other words, I feel like my old Grouchy self. Uh, I suppose it's time for you to get outta your seats for the national anthem.

The audience stands up and the American flag appears on screen as an instrumental of "The Star Spangled Banner" plays.

OSCAR: Oh, don't get me wrong. We Grouches are thankful for this country, too. We're thankful for all the trash, bad aromas and angry people we get every day! Heh-heh-heh! But we honor this nation by performing the embodiment of our representation in this democratic dump heap: the patriotic Grouch Anthem.

Record scratches are heard as the music for the "Grouch Anthem" starts to play.

OSCAR: Now, for the Grouch Anthem, you stay sitting down. Now get comfy there, but not too comfy, 'cause I'm gonna sing.

Grouches of the world, unite Stand up for your Grouchly rights Don't let the sunshine spoil your rain Just stand up and complain

Let this be a Grouch's cause Point out everybody's flaws Something is wrong with everything Except the way I sing!

Ten other Grouches (performed by Kevin Clash, Martin P. Robinson, David Rudman, Joey Mazzarino, Matt Vogel, Peter Linz, Jim Martin, Tyler Bunch, Noel MacNeal, and John Kennedy with assistance from Leslie Carrara-Rudolph, Ryan Dillon, Tim Lagasse, Lara MacLean, Pam Arciero, Tau Bennett, Carmen Osbahr, Jennifer Barnhart, Warrick Brownlow-Pike, and Stephanie D'Abruzzo) appear around Oscar.

OSCAR: You know what's right with this country? Nothing. Wanna know what gets me hot under the collar? You name it! So the next time some goody-two-shoes comes by and tells you to have a nice day, always remember...

Don't let the sunshine spoil your rain Just stand up and complain Just stand up and complain!

The Grouches disappear.

OSCAR: Well, I guess the show's about to start now, so let me leave you with these words: "Have a rotten day!" Heh-heh-heh! Ugh!

Oscar pops back into his can, which is hauled away by a vaudeville cane.

Now, Trevor Monster (performed by Ryan Dillon with assistance from Carmen Osbahr) arrives on stage.

TREVOR: Hi. I'm Trevor. I'm the director's assistant for the Sesame Street stage show tour, and boy, have we got a show for you! Hmm...but there doesn't seem to be a "we" anywhere. I better call the rest of the guys.

Somebody come and play Somebody come and play today Somebody come and smile some smiles And sing some songs; it won't be long Somebody come and play today

Somebody come and play Somebody come and play my way Somebody come and laugh some laughs And rhyme some rhymes; it won't take time Somebody come and play today

Somebody come with me, and see the pleasure in the wind Somebody see the time is getting late to begin

Somebody come and play Somebody come and play today Somebody come and be my friend And watch the sun 'til it rains again Somebody come and play today

Prairie Dawn (performed by Stephanie D'Abruzzo with assistance from Leslie Carrara-Rudolph) enters the stage.

PRAIRIE DAWN: Sunny days Sweepin' the clouds away On my way to where The air is sweet

PRAIRIE DAWN & TREVOR: Can you tell me how to get How to get to Sesame Street?

TREVOR: Come and play Everything's A-OK Friendly neighbors there That's where we meet

PRAIRIE DAWN & TREVOR: Can you tell me how to get How to get to Sesame Street? How to get to Sesame Street? How to get to Sesame Street?

The beginning bars of "Rubber Duckie" start playing.

PRAIRIE DAWN: Oh! It's the next song in our medley. Take it away, Ernie!

Ernie (performed by Peter Linz with assistance from Karen Prell) pops up, dressed in only a towel, his hair full of soap, and holding his iconic bath toy.

ERNIE: Oh, Rubber Duckie, you're the one You make bathtime lots of fun Rubber Duckie, I am awfully fond of you Vo-vo-vo-de-oh!

Rubber Duckie, joy of joys When I squeeze you, you make noise Rubber Duckie, you're my very best friend, it's true!

Oh, every day, when I Make my way to the tubby I find a little fella who's Cute and yellow and chubby! Rub-a-dub-dubby!

Rubber Duckie, you're so fine And I'm lucky that you're mine Rubber Duckie, I am awfully fond of you!

Now, the beginning of "Doin' the Pigeon" plays.

PRAIRIE DAWN: Alright, Bert! You're on!

Bert (performed by Eric Jacobson with assistance from Tyler Bunch) enters the stage dressed like a pigeon.

BERT: Doin' the (coo-coo!) pigeon Doin' the (coo-coo!) pigeon Dancing a little smidgeon of The kind of ballet that sweeps me away

I'm doin' the (coo-coo!) pigeon Doin' the (coo-coo!) pigeon People may smile, but I don't mind  They'll never understand the kind of fun I find

In doin' the (coo-coo!) pigeon Doin' the (coo-coo!) pigeon Doin' the (coo-coo!) pigeon every day!

The beginning of "C is for Cookie" plays as Cookie Monster (performed by David Rudman with assistance from John Kennedy) pops up beside Prairie, holding a cookie.

PRAIRIE DAWN: Hi, Cookie Monster.

COOKIE MONSTER: C is for cookie; that good enough for me C is for cookie; that good enough for me C is for cookie; that good enough for me Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie start with C!

PRAIRIE DAWN: Alright, your turn, Big Bird!

Big Bird (puppeteered by Noel MacNeal with assistance from Jennifer Barnhart and voiced by Matt Vogel) enters the stage as "ABC-DEF-GHI" begins playing.

BIG BIRD: ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTU-VWXYZ It's the most remarkable word I've ever seen ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTU-VWXYZ I wish I knew exactly what I mean

It starts off as an 'A' word, as anyone can see But somewhere in the middle, it gets awfully 'QR' to me!

ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTU-VWXYZ If I ever find out just what this word can mean I'll be the smartest bird that you have ever seen!

Now, the chorus of "Song of the Count" plays.

PRAIRIE DAWN: You're next, Count.

The Count (performed by Matt Vogel with assistance from Alice Dinnean) enters the stage.

COUNT: I count slowly, slowly, slowly getting faster Once I've started counting, it's really hard to stop Hey! Faster, faster; it is so exciting! I could count forever; count until I drop!

Oh! 1, 2, 3, 4, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4 1-2, I love counting, whatever the amount! Yes! 1, 2, 3, 4, heyayayay, heyayayay 1-2-3-4, 1-2, that's the song of the Count! Ah-ah-ah!

On cue, the Count's trademark lightning and thunder hit the theater.

The start of "Elmo's Song" plays next, as Elmo (performed by Kevin Clash with assistance from Paul McGinnis) comes in playing a piano.

PRAIRIE DAWN: Take it, Elmo!

ELMO: This is the song, la la la la, Elmo's song La la la la, la la la la, Elmo's song La la la, la la la la (La la la la la) La la la, la la la la (La la la la la) Elmo loves to sing, la la la la, Elmo's song La la la la, la la la la, Elmo's song He wrote the music, he wrote the words That's Elmo's song!

The gang assembles in the middle of the stage.

PRAIRIE DAWN: So, is that everyone?

BIG BIRD: Well, only a few of us. There are still so many of us who came here.

ELMO: Yeah, but Elmo thinks there's someone missing.

ERNIE: Hey! I know who you're talking about!

Everyone looks at the audience.

EVERYONE: You!

"Welcome!" begins to play.

PRAIRIE DAWN: We wanna say "welcome!" (Welcome!) Welcome to the party

ELMO: We wanna say, "Our house is your house today!"

BERT: We're feeling so happy; happy just to see you

ERNIE: Happy we can tell you, in our nicest way

BIG BIRD: ''Hello, my friends! Hold out your hand And take all we have to give''

TREVOR: The world is a friendly, smiling place full of love When you know the way to live

Telly Monster (performed by Martin P. Robinson with assistance from Pam Arciero) and Baby Bear (puppeteered by John Tartaglia with assistance from Vicki Kenderes-Eibner and voiced by David Rudman) join in.

TELLY: We wanna say "thank you!" (Thank you!) Thank you all for coming

BABY BEAR: Thanks for all the good things we share, and come one day

EVERYONE: We wanna say "welcome!" (Welcome!) Welcome to the party

COOKIE MONSTER: Me wanna say "Welcome, me friends!"

EVERYONE: Welcome every day!

COUNT: That is 8, 8 "welcome"s! Ah-ah-ah!

Thunder and lightning hit the stage again.

The song ends and the Muppets leave the stage.

The spotlights then do ballyhoos around the audience as Guy Smiley's voice is heard.

GUY SMILEY (off-screen): Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, live from Staples Center in Los Angeles, California, welcome to Sesame Street! And now, here are your hosts, the greatest comic duo on children's TV, Bert and Ernie!

Ernie (now assisted by Haley Jenkins) and Bert (assisted by Paul McGinnis) enter the stage as the crowd cheers.

ERNIE: Thank you, Mr. Smiley! Hello, everybody! Welcome to Sesame Street, live at the Staples Center! And boy, oh boy, have we got a great show for you all tonight!

BERT: Yes, a great...wait, a great show, Ernie? How can you guarantee that? I mean, we're not on the east coast in New York; we're on the west coast, in L.A.!

ERNIE: It's easy, Bert. We'll win over these thousands of people out there, in the audience, who paid good money to this show, with our patented and foolproof stage show formula.

BERT: Our "stage show formula"? What's that?

ERNIE: Our stage show formula is this: two shows in one!

BERT: Oh, I get it! You mean, "Two shows for the price of one," right? (muttering) Wait, how does that make any sense?

ERNIE: No, no, Bert. Two shows in one.

BERT: "Two shows in one"? What does that mean?

ERNIE: What that means is, show number one!

Ernie looks left and right.

ERNIE: If you look to your left, then to your right, you will find a giant screen above either side of the stage. Now, these screens frame me, you, and the rest of our friends. This is what they call "the puppet show".

BERT: Oh.

ERNIE: Show number two! It's a concept none of us fully understand, and it happens just underneath show number one. Bert, look down.

Bert and Ernie look down.

BERT: (gasps in horror, whispering in a frightened tone): There are people down there!

ERNIE: Yes. Apparently, they're called "puppeteers", and basically, they're responsible for every little thing we say or do.

BERT: What?! Ernie, are you saying we're not real people?!

ERNIE: Well, we're being controlled by people who are real, who are speaking while we're speaking, and they're moving our mouths by moving their hands. So, yes, we're not "real" in the most common sense of the word.

BERT: So what you're saying is, you, me, and all of our friends, we're all puppets, right?

ERNIE: Uh...yeah, right, Bert. And the scariest part is, really tall friends like Big Bird have a person inside of them, and they move them around using their own bodies.

BERT: This is all making me very uncomfortable.

ERNIE: Me, too.

BERT: But it does explain why Big Bird's right arm looks so dead most of the time.

ERNIE: True. Anyway, with that awkwardness out of the way, let's get right to the show. First, I will try to explain the history of Sesame Street, using the latest in presentation technology: a slideshow montage.

A giant screen above the stage lowers toward Bert and Ernie.

ERNIE: You see, people have often wondered, how did we get here? Short answer: Not the easy way. Short answer long: Sesame Street, the overall concept and ideas behind the show, came mainly from the mind of one extraordinary woman.

The montage begins with a picture of Joan Ganz Cooney.

ERNIE: Yes. Over fifty years ago, Joan Ganz Cooney here, and a talented group of producers, educators and researchers, formed the Children's Television Workshop, a nonprofit organization dedicated to producing high-quality educational content designed to aid and assist in child development. Or, as our current motto states, we are helping kids grow smarter, stronger and kinder. Our mission has extended around the world, in 150 countries, and we have talked to kids in countless different languages. And, like all progressive ideas, it all started with a simple question, a question that would, over time, come to change the very face of public television. Cooney wanted a variety of things that kids would want to see on TV, and use those things as sort of a teaching device. Things like puppets, and cartoons, and adult figures, and commercials. And speaking of puppets, Cooney knew just the puppet master he wanted to create new characters.

The montage now shows Jim Henson.

ERNIE: Him. Jim Henson here. Now, he and the dedicated group of talented men and women who are the Muppet performers have turned puppetry, a simple art form once thought of as mere child's play, into an entertainment empire that appeals to all ages, using mainly the best actors, artists and creative minds in the industry. But, Mr. Henson was hesitant to join the Sesame Street creative team, as he was afraid of seeing himself and his colleagues being stuck with working exclusively on children's television. But, eventually, Henson and company created the first puppets for the new show.

Clips of Ernie and Bert from the Sesame Street test pilot are shown.

BERT: Hey! That's us!

ERNIE: Right. Of all the puppets you see on Sesame Street, Bert and I were the first, the grandfathers of all the characters, the ones who started it all. We were instantly popular. Perhaps, a little too popular. The tests showed that kids were most interested in puppet shows. Who knew?

BERT: Who knew?

ERNIE: So Henson and friends were tasked with making new characters and putting them on the street. Two icons were thus born: an 8 ft. yellow bird, and a monster who lives in a trash can. We know them simply as Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.

BERT: And then, the others soon followed. Cookie Monster, Grover, Little Bird...

ERNIE: Roosevelt Franklin, Lefty the Salesman, Kermit...

BERT: Ker...wait! Kermit?

ERNIE: Yeah. Kermit the Frog.

The Sesame Street pitch reel, particularly the part where Kermit suggests the show's title to Rowlf the Dog, plays.

BERT: Hey. Who's the dog?

ERNIE: Oh, that's Rowlf. He's a friend of Kermit's. I hear he's a good piano player, too.

BERT: So that was it, huh? The moment when Sesame Street was born.

ERNIE: Kinda. Oh, and we can't forget the rest of our friends.

BERT: Oh, yeah! Sherlock Hemlock, Herry, Prairie Dawn, Snuffy, the Count, Mumford, the Two-Headed Monster...

ERNIE: Barkley, Telly, Forgetful Jones, Elmo, Hoots, Baby Bear, Rosita, Zoe...

BERT: Abby, Murray, Julia, Rudy and Gonger!

ERNIE: Plus lots of friends we don't have time to mention now.

BERT: Hey, Ernie, I think a lot of people are wondering just why we are so successful and popular, even today.

ERNIE: To which the answer is, we always update ourselves to keep up with what's going on around us. Well, that and, unlike most other TV shows of the past and today, we are not afraid to tackle any topic that we feel needs to be discussed in family households. For example, we've got our lessons about the ABCs' and 123s'; we've got our lessons about colors, shapes and patterns; we've got our morning and bedtime routines, healthy habits, music and creativity. But when we need to get our hands dirty and tackle the big topics, we're all ready and focused on the lesson at hand. Lessons like bullying, emergencies, incarceration, community service and even death have become commonplace talking points on our grounds.

BERT: Wait. Death?

ERNIE: Yeah. Remember when our old friend Mr. Hooper died?

A clip of Big Bird learning about Mr. Hooper's death is shown.

ERNIE: Hmm. A Sesame Street classic.

BERT: Oh, poor Big Bird. He's 6 years old. Did he really have to learn about death at that age?

ERNIE: Well, everyone has to, sooner or later.

BERT: Yeah, but not when...

GROVER (off-screen): Hello, everybodyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Grover (puppeteered by John Tartaglia with assistance from Lara MacLean and voiced by Eric Jacobson) runs onstage and slaps Bert's back hard.

GROVER: Hiya, Bert! Hi, Ernie.

ERNIE: Hey, Grover! You're late.

GROVER: Yes, I know. But as you know, all that running around can make a monster like me very tired, so that is why I missed the bus.

ERNIE: Well, if you missed the bus, how on Earth did you get here?

GROVER: No problem. I had a pretty limo driver get me all the way to the theater.

BERT: Really? Who?

GROVER: I will show you. Marissa!

A chauffeuse dressed all in black (played by Colleen Smith) enters the stage.

GROVER: Yes. Marissa here drove me all the way to the Staples Center on time. Or, she tried to, if it were not for all of the traffic at the center of the city. Good grief, is it busy!

BERT: How busy is it?

GROVER: It is so busy that even people on the sidewalk have to wait for hours just to move!

BERT: (laughs) That's actually a good one.

ERNIE: Yes, it is, but Grover?

GROVER: Hmm?

ERNIE: We don't need you on the show yet, so why don't you do something while you wait.

GROVER: OK, OK. Hey, Marissa? Can you please drive me around Hollywood?

The chauffeuse grabs Grover's nose and drags him away.

GROVER: Ow! Not my nose, Marissa! Ouch! It is like you are trying to yank it off! Ow! Let go of my nose! How do I smell?!

BERT: Depends! How often do you shower?

The audience equally laughs and groans.

BERT: I know, that was a bit of a cheap shot.

ERNIE: (clears throat) As I was about to say, the success of Sesame Street hasn't been exclusive to here in the United States. There's a reason why we're sometimes called "the longest street in the world."

BERT: There is? Why?

ERNIE: Because over the years, we have taught children in over 150 countries worldwide.

BERT: Wow!

The audience cheers.

ERNIE: And it's a good thing we have relatives and friends from around the world, too. Like Abelardo, Big Bird's cousin from Mexico.

BERT: Wolle and Pferd, our friends from Germany.

ERNIE: No'man and Melsoon from Kuwait.

BERT: Moishe Oofnik, Oscar's cousin from Israel.

ERNIE: Chamki from India.

BERT: Pino, Tommie and Ieniemienie from The Netherlands.

ERNIE: And the Furchester family from the U.K. And you'll get to meet them and more! May you allow us to present this next montage? It's called, Sesame Street Around the World.

A montage of theme songs from Plaza Sesamo, Sesamstrasse, Sesamstraat, Iftah Ya Simsim, Rechov Sumsum, Alam Simsim, Galli Galli Sim Sim, Barrio Sesamo, 1 Rue Sesame, Vila Sesamo, Zhima Jie, Sesame Street Japan, Sisimpur, Ulitsa Sezam, Takalani Sesame, Sesame Park, Jalan Sesama, Shara'a Simsim, Rua Sesamo, Sesam Stasjon, Susam Sokagi, Ulica Sezamkowa, Sesame Tree and The Furchester Hotel plays.

ERNIE: Oh, we do love our pals from around the world. Don't we, Bert?

BERT: I don't know. I haven't met most of them.

ERNIE: I had a feeling you would say that.

BERT: You did?

ERNIE: Because tonight, for the first time in Sesame Street history, you will see a group of people, monsters and animals from around the world parade across this very stage.

PRAIRIE DAWN: (off-screen): Ernie! Bert!

Prairie (now assisted by Carmen Osbahr) runs onstage.

PRAIRIE DAWN: Hi! Sorry about the footprints I'm leaving on the stage. My shoes are getting shined and I tossed my socks into this week's dirty laundry. Anyway, guys, I'm afraid I have some bad news in regards to the... (clears throat) parade you're planning for the show.

BERT: Oh? What's that?

PRAIRIE DAWN: You see, all those people you invited over to be in your parade? Well, first off, they live too far away to make it here in time. And even if they lived fairly close, they would need to board an airplane, and waiting in line takes forever where they live. And on top of that, they would need to pay to be on the airplane, and most of them aren't old enough to make money yet. And top of that, many of them would need to get a passport if they wanted to travel overseas, and that would...

BERT: OK, OK, OK! We get it! They're not coming.

ERNIE: Rats! Sorry, everyone, it looks like our around-the-world-parade is cancelled.

(audience groans in disappointment)

PRAIRIE DAWN: Do not worry, guys. I will go out and find a few things to put in its place.

Prairie exits.

ERNIE: Hey, Prairie! Do you think we should do a salute to comic books instead?

PRAIRIE DAWN: No!

ERNIE: OK! Just a suggestion! Now, where was I? Oh yeah. But perhaps--perhaps the most essential key in making Sesame Street the hit it is today is our use of music. Everyone has a favorite song, and we try to introduce kids to those songs as often as we can.

BERT: And many of us have special songs that say who we are, what we do and what we like.

ERNIE: True. Why, there's you and "Doin' the Pigeon"...

BERT: You and "Rubber Duckie"...

ERNIE: Cookie Monster has "C is for Cookie"...

BERT: And Big Bird likes to sing "Abba..." uh, "Appard..." "Abby-decker"--

BIG BIRD (off-screen): "ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTU-VWXYZ"!

Ernie and Bert, having looked off-screen, look at the audience with bewildered expressions.

BERT: Well, that's easy for him to say.

ERNIE: Mm-hmm. Oh, and Oscar the Grouch has an anthem of his own.

BERT: Yeah, that's right! He does!

ERNIE: And here to sing it, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only--

PRAIRIE DAWN (off-screen): Wait!

Prairie returns to the stage.

PRAIRIE DAWN: We have to get through the opening number first!

BERT: What?

PRAIRIE DAWN: Besides, the number after that is a song about love.

ERNIE: We're not gonna start a Sesame Street live show with a Sesame Street song? Then what are we starting off with?

PRAIRIE DAWN: This.

Prairie hands Ernie the script.

ERNIE (reading from script): To kick things off, we have the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson, to sing one of his greatest hits.

Ernie looks at Prairie with a shocked expression.

ERNIE: Um...Prairie? Michael Jackson is dead.

PRAIRIE DAWN: Ah, but you see--

Prairie whispers into Ernie and Bert's ears; the audience cannot hear what she's saying.

Ernie and Bert look at the audience, then each other, with confused and surprised expressions.

BERT: We're all gonna be booed out of California for this.

ERNIE: My thoughts exactly, Bert. (worried whimper)

Bert, Prairie and Ernie exit the stage.

As they do, a Lavender Anything Muppet caricature of Michael Jackson (puppeteered by Karen Prell with assistance from Colleen Smith, who remains in her Marissa outfit for the entire show) appears, lip-synching and dancing to "The Way You Make Me Feel", while backed up by three male Anything Muppets in tuxedos (a Fat Blue AM puppeteered by Tyler Bunch, a Green AM puppeteered by Alice Dinnean, and a Pumpkin AM puppeteered by Bruce Lanoil). At the end of the song, the MJ AM receives applause and flowers from the audience as he jams offstage.

Ernie and Bert return to the stage, with mind-blown expressions directed at the cheering crowd.

BERT: You--you actually enjoyed that?!

The audience responds positively.

ERNIE: Looks like the Michael Jackson tribute artist is a fan favorite.

BERT: No kidding.

ERNIE: And now, folks, to sing a song about love, is one of the most beloved Sesame Street characters of all time!

BERT: Elmo?

ERNIE: Nope. It's our very own Oscar the Grouch!

Ernie leaves the stage with Bert chasing him.

BERT: Yeah--wait! Oscar?!

Oscar's trash can is wheeled out onto the stage. Once the can is positioned in the center, Oscar (right-handed by Paul McGinnis) pops out with a disgusted look on his face. In the background, Eric Jacobson drops Bert off-stage and rushes back onstage to perform Oscar.

OSCAR: Ugh, can you believe this junk? Prairie Dawn just scheduled me, a certified Grouch, to come out here and sing a song about love. A sweet, mushy melody about kissing and hugging and cutesy things... Yuck! It makes me sick!

Oscar then thinks for a second.

OSCAR: But, OK. If Prairie wants me to sing about love, I will. I'm gonna sing a song about what Oscar the Grouch loves. The one thing Grouches love more than anything in the world! Can you guess what that is? Don't answer yet, 'cause I'm gonna sing.

The tune of "I Love Trash" begins.

OSCAR: Oh, I love trash Anything dirty or dingy or dusty Anything ragged or rotten or rusty Yes, I love trash

OSCAR: Wanna see something trashy? Look at this!

A Grouch (performed by Allan Trautman with right-handing by Russ Walko) enters carrying an old, tattered sneaker.

OSCAR: I have here a sneaker, all tattered and worn See, it's all full of holes and the laces are torn A gift from my mother the day I was born I love it because it's trash

As Oscar sings the third line, Oscarina, Oscar's mother (performed by Martin P. Robinson with right-handing by Michael Oosterom) enters the stage.

OSCARINA: Scram!

OSCAR: Oh, I love trash Anything dirty or dingy or dusty Anything ragged or rotten or rusty Yes, I love trash

OSCAR: Wait 'til ya see what's next, it's beautifully rotten!

A second Grouch (performed by Drew Massey with right-handing by Michelan Sisti) enters carrying a moldy-looking newspaper. Actual dead fish is wrapped inside, creating a horrible stench for the audience.

OSCAR: I have here this newspaper thirteen months old There's fish wrapped inside it, it's smelly and cold But I'd never trade it for a big pot of gold I love it because it's trash

Oh, I love trash Anything dirty or dingy or dusty Anything ragged or rotten or rusty Yes, I love trash

OSCAR: And you haven't seen the last of what I have!

Four more Grouches (performed by Tyler Bunch, Donna Kimball, Alice Dinnean and Kevin Carlson with right-handing by Andy Hayward, Artie Esposito, Tim Lagasse and Michael Paul Ziegfeld) enter carrying more pieces of trash.

OSCAR: Here's a clock that won't work and an old telephone A broken umbrella, a rusty trombone And I am delighted to call them my own I love 'em because they're trash!

OSCAR: Everybody!

Six more Grouches (performed by Tim Blaney, Carmen Osbahr, Victor Yerrid, Bruce Lanoil, John Kennedy and Grant Baciocco with right-handing by BJ Guyer, Rachel Herrick, Greg Ballora, James Murray, Avery Lee Jones and Kristin Charney) enter the stage to complete a Grouch chorus. They're joined by Grundgetta (right-handed by Len Levitt), Bruno the Trashman (performed by Noel MacNeal), Slimey (puppeteered by Jim Kroupa), Irvine (puppeteered by Brian Jones with right-handing by Sarah Oh), Fluffy (puppeteered by Rick Lyon), Lassie (performed by Jim Martin), Iago (performed by David Rudman), Spot (performed by Peter Linz), and Preposterous (performed by John Tartaglia).

EVERYONE: Oh, I love trash Anything dirty or dingy or dusty Anything ragged or rotten or rusty Yes, I love, I love IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII love traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!

After the song, Oscar pops outside his can and sets his fish-stuffed newspaper down in front of him.

OSCAR: Ah, I do love my trash, every last bit of it. And you know what I love to do when I got too much trash? I love to give it away...to the raccoons! Yes, raccoons, the likeliest of Grouch allies, truly a Grouch's best friend. Those little critters love trash almost as much as we Grouches do. Oh, here comes one now.

A Muppet raccoon (a replica of a classic Muppet Show raccoon puppet), puppeteered by Karen Prell and voiced by Leslie Carrara-Rudolph, enters the stage, passing by Oscar's can until it zooms back to gape in shock and amazement down the can.

OSCAR: Now, I've decided to give this raccoon my old newspaper, with cold, stinky fish in it. Alright, my masked friend, bon appetit!

RACCOON: Oh, everything in this can smells delicious!

OSCAR: What?!

The raccoon leaps into the can, as sloppy eating sounds can be heard.

OSCAR: Wait, no! Stop! You're supposed to eat the newspaper! Hold it!

Oscar enters his can through the back as noisy piano keys are heard.

OSCAR: Stop, that's my piano!

RACCOON: Blech! That doesn't taste very good. Ooh, what about that?

OSCAR: Hey, watch out for my china cabinet!

A huge explosion-esque crash is heard as Oscar's china smashes into pieces.

OSCAR: NNNOOOOOO!

The ending to "I Love Trash" plays as the other Grouches laugh at Oscar's misfortune and the scene ends.

Outside the Staples Center (shown on the giant screens), the Foodie Truck drives through the parking lot (causing the guards stationed in the lot to run for their lives, and moments later, it drives onstage, parking itself at the center. Cookie Monster (right-handed by Jayden Libran) is in the driver's seat, with Chef Gonger (performed by Warrick Brownlow-Pike with assistance from Avery Lee Jones) as his passenger.

Cookie Monster and Gonger exit the truck's driving area and into its kitchen as the outside of the truck opens to reveal its interior. All the while, the "Cookie Monster's Foodie Truck" theme plays.

COOKIE MONSTER: Do you like food?

GONGER: (scatting)

COOKIE MONSTER: Like me like food?

GONGER: (scatting)

COOKIE MONSTER: Gonger make food.

GONGER: I make food!

BOTH: Place you order if you lucky We make food in our foodie truckie Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

COOKIE MONSTER: Hello, there! Me Cookie Monster!

GONGER: And I'm Chef Gonger, and together, we are...

Both monsters do a heroic pose.

BOTH: Monster foodies!

COOKIE MONSTER: Our job is to make delicious dishes for anyone who come to us.

GONGER: That's right, Cookie!

The Foodie Truck alarm (a 5-note jingle similar to "C is for Cookie") suddenly goes off from Cookie's device.

COOKIE MONSTER: The alarm! Me get it! Me get it!

GONGER: No, I'll get it, I'll get it!

Cookie's hand swipes the device's touch screen to reveal an email.

COOKIE MONSTER: Oh, look! It from little Minnie Golf, from Tiny Town, New Jersey!

GONGER: Oh! What does it say?

COOKIE MONSTER: It say, "Dear Cookie Monster and Gonger..."

As he reads the email, Cookie's voice is replaced by that of a little girl (voiced by Alice Dinnean).

MINNIE GOLF: Dear Cookie Monster and Gonger, I need your help. My best friend is coming over for dinner, and she's looking forward to dessert, some strawberry cheesecake. But I don't know how to make that. Could you help me, please? Love, Minnie.

COOKIE MONSTER: OK, Chef Gonger, what we need to make strawberry cheesecake?

Gonger's hand swipes the device to pull up a recipe for strawberry cheesecake.

GONGER: To make straw-ba-berry cheesecake, we need pecans, graham crackers, butter, cream cheese, sugar, lemon juice, vanilla h-extract, large h-eggs, sour cream, cornstarch, water, straw-ba-berry jelly, red food coloring, and the most important ingredient, some straw-ba-berries.

COOKIE MONSTER: Woah, that a lot of ingredients.

Cookie Monster pulls up a tray with all the ingredients, except for the strawberries.

COOKIE MONSTER: Here we go, me got everything right here!

GONGER: Good job! Wait, uh...

Gonger examines the food closely.

GONGER: Cookie?

COOKIE MONSTER: Yeah?

GONGER: Where the straw-ba-berries?

COOKIE MONSTER: Strawberries?

GONGER: Yeah, we can't make straw-ba-berry cheesecake without the straw-ba-berries!

COOKIE MONSTER: Oh. Yeah...me used all the strawberries yesterday.

GONGER: You used all the straw-ba-berries yesterday?! What for?

COOKIE MONSTER: Uh, let's see, first, me had bowl of strawberries for breakfast. Then for lunch, me made peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but me ran out of strawberry jelly, so me had to make it from scratch. Uh, and for dinner, me had double cheeseburger, and hold the lettuce; no seeds on bun. Oh, and don't forget the fries.

GONGER: That doesn't have straw-ba-berries in it.

COOKIE MONSTER: Ah, but you see, for dessert, me had strawberry milkshake.

Gonger groans.

COOKIE MONSTER: Well, now we no can make cheesecake.

GONGER: No, no, it's alright, Cookie, it's gonna be fine. We can get more straw-ba-berries from the berry farm.

COOKIE MONSTER: Berry farm? Where that?

GONGER: I'll show you. Follow me!

Gonger darts for the front of the truck.

COOKIE MONSTER: This me got to see. Wait for me!

Cookie follows Gonger.

Ernie (right-handed by Grant Baciocco) and three singing monsters (puppeteered by Rachel Herrick, Brian Jones, and Jayden Libran, with assistance from Alice Dinnean, Sarah Oh, and Jess McKay, respectively) stand in front of a darkened curtain.

ERNIE & BACKUP SINGERS: ''Is this a real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see...''

ERNIE: He's just a poor boy.

BACKUP SINGERS: Poor boy

ERNIE: He needs no sympathy

ERNIE & BACKUP SINGERS: Because he's easy come, easy go Little high, little low Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to he.

ERNIE: That's he...

Ernie and the monsters leave, and the curtains open to reveal a nervous Cookie Monster (right-handed by Tau Bennett) in the Foodie Truck set. He stands over a counter covered with flan crumbs. On the far stage left, Sully (puppeteered by Colleen Smith with assistance from Rachel Appelbaum) plays piano while Ovejita (puppeteered by Karen Prell with assistance from Donna Kimball) steals the scene on drums.

COOKIE MONSTER: Gonger...me ate your flan. How could me be so dumb Eating 'til there only crumb? Gonger...me had been so good But now, me gone and thrown it all away. Gonger, oooooooohh... You not say me didn't try. If you no forgive me now, maybe tomorrow. Carry on, carry on As if nothing ever happened...

Suddenly, a red telephone rings, and Cookie Monster picks up the receiver.

GONGER: Alright, Cookie. I'm finished parking the truck. I'm coming back to the Staples Center now!

A now terrified Cookie puts down the phone.

COOKIE MONSTER: Too late, here Gonger come. When he see the mess me made He'll feel certainly betrayed. Bye-bye, everybody, me have to go. Gotta find me friend and tell the painful truth. Gonger, ooooooooohh...

BACKUP SINGERS: ''Anyway the wind blows...

COOKIE MONSTER: Me just want to cry. Me sometimes wish me never were born at all...

Rosita (assisted by Paul McGinnis) swoops in playing rock guitar (actually miming to the instrumental from the original "Bohemian Rhapsody" track).

After the instrumental, on the big screen, Gonger's silhouette appears as he enters the building.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me see the shadow of a little monster friend.

BACKUP SINGERS: ''Here he comes! Here he comes!''

COOKIE MONSTER: Will he ever forgive me?

BACKUP SINGERS: Thunderbolts and lightning Very, very frightening...

COOKIE MONSTER: Me!

BACKUP SINGERS: ''Alistair-o! (x4) Alistair-o SNL! Cowabungaaaaaaa!

COOKIE MONSTER: Me Cookie Monster, everyone like me.

BACKUP SINGERS: He's Cookie Monster from a very friendly street Spared of his life by his chronic gluttony.

Gonger inches closer to the stage.

COOKIE MONSTER: ''Easy come, easy go. Will he let me go?''

BACKUP SINGERS: ''Of course not. No! He will not let you go.''

COOKIE MONSTER: Let me go!

BACKUP SINGERS: ''What? Never! He will not let you go.''

COOKIE MONSTER: Let me go!

BACKUP SINGERS: ''Ha! You wish. He will not let you go.''

COOKIE MONSTER: Let me go!

BACKUP SINGERS: Will not let you go.

COOKIE MONSTER: Let me go!

BACKUP SINGERS: Will not let you go.

COOKIE MONSTER: Let me go!!!

BACKUP SINGERS: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Mamma mia, mamma mia!

COOKIE MONSTER: ''Mamma mia?! Let me go!''

BACKUP SINGERS: He thought they were friends But it seems it wasn't meant to be To be To beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!

Across the theater, the Sesame Muppets start headbanging to the track's iconic rock piece. Rosita and Ovejita start dancing like crazy as they play their instruments, while Sully calmly moves to the beat.

COOKIE MONSTER: So you think you can come in and spit in me eye? So you think you can storm off and leave me to cry? Oh, Gonger! Please don't come in here, Gonger! Just gotta get out Just gotta get right outta here!

The instrumental then resumes as Gonger (assisted by David Quesal) gets to the curtain and walks out on stage.

BACKUP SINGERS: Ooooooooooooooohhh... Oh no. Oh no.

Gonger walks out to find Cookie Monster shaking with fear and guilt, and all the crumbs on the counter. Instead of getting angry, Gonger puts his arm around his friend.

GONGER: Cookie, I'm not angry. That's because, you see I don't like flan batter That flan didn't matter... To me...

Cookie begins to break down in quiet tears, slumping onto Gonger's shoulder. The small pink monster begins comforting his friend as the curtains close, and Ernie and the backup monster singers return to the stage.

ERNIE & BACKUP SINGERS: Anyway the wind blows...

As the song's gong finisher plays, Ernie and the monsters vanish.

The classic "Monsterpiece Theater" music plays as we see Alistair Cookie (right-handed by Kevin Carlson) sitting at his chair, staring offscreen. He turns his head to the camera and does a brief take.

ALISTAIR COOKIE: Oh! Good evening, and welcome to Monsterpiece Theater. Me Alistair Cookie. Tonight, me have taken it upon me self to review undisputed movie of the year. And what the movie of the year? A dark, gritty, psychological thriller flick called "Grouch". It about a social misfit, whose mistreatment by everyone around him leads him to become inspiring symbol of anarchic, city-wide rebellion. And now, for your viewing pleasure, sit back and enjoy modern masterpiece, "Grouch."

As the trailer starts, the camera pans over a New York City skyline until we cut to a psychiatrist's office.

PRAIRIE DAWN (voiceover): Oscar...does it help to have someone to talk to?

Oscar (right-handed by Donna Kimball), looking equally grouchy and concerned, looks at Prairie.

Cut to Oscar as a baby.

OSCAR (voiceover): When I was a little monster, my mother said to me...

Cut to Oscar's mother (right-handed by Michael Paul Ziegfeld) in a bathtub, her hair being washed in mud by her son.

OSCAR (voiceover): ..."Son...you were brought into this world to spread happiness and joy."

Cut to a happy Oscar, dressed as a clown and dancing on the street while honking a horn.

OSCAR (voiceover): "To be a drop of kindness in a sea of mean."

Three thuggish Anything Muppet kids steal the horn and take off with Oscar the Clown chasing after them.

OSCAR: Wait! Police, stop them!

The three AM kids lay a rotten banana peel in a nearby alleyway, which Oscar steps on and trips over.

The kids then take turns kicking Oscar in his groin repeatedly.

PRAIRIE DAWN (voiceover): And how's that going?

OSCAR (voiceover): Not too well.

Cut back to the psychiatrist's office.

OSCAR: The things I've seen, they can make anyone feel a little...grouchy.

Cut to a pan up to the Sesame Street sign.

Cut to a ski mask-wearing Cookie Monster (right-handed by Kevin Carlson) with a large jar of cookies.

COOKIE MONSTER: Oh, me have lot of cookies, all me could ever hope to eat!

As Cookie is about to dig in, we hear the sound of a gun clicking. Cookie frightenedly turns to the off-screen assailant.

GUNMAN (off-screen, voiced by Kevin Clash using the voice he used for Lyle from The Happytime Murders): You've om-nom-nommed your last cookie, monster.

Cut to a shocked Oscar, watching from an alleyway.

COOKIE MONSTER: No, please! Me got me baby cousin to support!

As the scene cuts to black, we hear what sounds like a gunshot, but when we cut to the next scene, it's only a cork popped off a champagne bottle by a drunk-looking Ernie.

Oscar approaches Ernie.

ERNIE (in a slurred voice): Howdy, Oscar...! Would you like some champagne? I have glasses!

OSCAR: Uh...no, thanks. I have some chores to do at home.

Oscar runs off.

ERNIE (still with slurred speech): Hey, if you put enough sugar in it, it tastes just like ginger ale!

Cut to a subway train. Oscar sits close to three wealthy monsters (performed by Ryan Dillon, Jim Kroupa, and Paul McGinnis) trying to rob a little girl (performed by Alice Dinnean) of her money.

Oscar notices the action and approaches the monsters.

OSCAR: Hey, leave her alone! Get lost!

The monsters gang up on Oscar.

MONSTER 1: Hey, fuzzy-face! Why are you so grouchy, huh?

MONSTER 2: Yeah, we don't want grouches on Sesame Street.

MONSTER 3: You get lost, loser!

One of the monsters grabs a large, full trash bag and whacks Oscar over the head with it, knocking him out.

MONSTER 1: Freak!

The three monsters laugh as Oscar's face becomes pained.

The scene cuts to black, then fades to a scene of Oscar watching television, with Guy Smiley in front of a yellow background.

GUY SMILEY: And now, for anyone who thinks my job's too easy, feast your eyes on this goof.

The TV then shows footage of Oscar in a comedy club; he's standing in front of a sign that reads "Bozo's".

OSCAR: When I was in school, I told the class that one day, I would grow up to be a comedian. Everyone laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?!

Cut back to Guy Smiley, with an annoyed face.

GUY SMILEY (in deadpan tone): I'd say everyone, still.

As the studio audience laughs uproariously, we cut back to Oscar, whose face slowly forms a furious expression.

Cut to white words on a black screen: "THIS FALL"

Oscar, his eyebrow deep in a frown. walks through the neighborhood.

OSCAR (voiceover): For my whole life...

The scene cuts to Muppets in Grouch gear protesting in front of a government building, with Muppet politicians trying to fight against the angry mob. Some Muppet rioters hold signs with slogans like, "We All Live in Trash" and "You Get What You Dumping DESERVE!!!", the latter with "Deserve" heavily underlined and accompanied by a drawing of a Muppet mayor with Xs for eyes.

OSCAR (voiceover): I thought the world was a happy place...

Cut to more Grouch Muppets and Muppet police officers battling in the street. Two of the officers are played by Grover and Herry; the officer played by Grover gets dragged by a rioter over a guardrail and into the mob.

OSCAR (voiceover): ...with miserable dumps so far and few.

The scene then cuts to a whole city block on fire as Muppets smash windows, loot stores and cause general vandalism in the background. A background Muppet can be spotted writing "No Time for Happy Faces" in graffiti on a brick wall.

Cut to more white words on a black screen: "TURN THAT SMILE"

Cut to Oscar in the psychiatrist's office.

OSCAR: But now, I know the truth.

Cut to Oscar watching the street riot with a slight smile.

OSCAR (voiceover): The whole world is a miserable dump.

More white words on a black screen: "UPSIDE DOWN"

Cut to Oscar walking by an alleyway, until he spots a trash can. The Grouch smiles and approaches the can.

OSCAR (voiceover): And if I wanted to live in such a rotten world...

He grabs twelve bags of garbage and throws them in.

OSCAR (voiceover): ...I had to become a symbol, of everything it represents.

Oscar climbs in, holds the can's lid over his head, and slinks inside.

OSCAR (voiceover): And so, I became...

As the lid closes shut on the trash can, the screen cuts to black.

OSCAR (voiceover): ...a Grouch.

A spastic Oscar dances down the "Joker Stairs".

MONOTONOUS SINGING VOICE: I love trash...

TRAILER ANNOUNCER (voiced by Jonathan David Cook): From the nonprofit organization behind Sesame Street, Dragon Tales, The Electric Company, and Pinky Dinky Doo...

MONOTONOUS SINGING VOICE: Anything dirty or dingy or dusty...

TRAILER ANNOUNCER: ...comes an origin story that no one asked for, but everyone will watch.

MONOTONOUS SINGING VOICE: Anything ragged or rotten or rusty/Yes, I love...

Cut to black, followed by a fade-in to a dressing room. Oscar (puppeteered by Carmen Osbahr) is talking to Guy Smiley and a stage manager (puppeteered by Drew Massey).

OSCAR: Oh, and Guy, one small thing.

GUY SMILEY: What's that?

OSCAR: When you bring me out, can you introduce me as Oscar the Grouch?

Smiley and the manager look at each other with confusion.

More white words on a black screen: "GROUCH"

Cut to Oscar opening his trash can lid.

OSCAR: SCRAM!

Cut to a black screen with a white rating logo.

TRAILER ANNOUNCER: Rated R...

Oscar's arm stamps an R on the square in the logo.

TRAILER ANNOUNCER: ...for ragged, rotten and rusty.

The trailer ends, and the scene returns to Alistair Cookie.

ALISTAIR COOKIE: And that the trailer for "Grouch". Oh, and before me start me review, me want to mention that me also obtain exclusive, extended clip from the movie. You want to see it?

The audience responds positively.

ALISTAIR COOKIE: Alright then! Roll footage, Frank!

The clip begins with Guy Smiley (assisted by Tim Lagasse) in a mockup of the "Murray Franklin Show" set from Joker.

GUY SMILEY: Now, our next guest is--well, he's quite the odd fellow, to say the least. Before I came out here, he asked me to refer to him as "Oscar the Grouch". I know, very weird name. So now, without further ado, come on out, Mr. the Grouch!

On cue, Oscar (puppeteered by Jayden Libran with assistance from Haley Jenkins), wearing a tattered suit and a mud-covered necktie, dances out onstage while Bronski Beat's "Heatwave" plays in the background. Oscar continues dancing across the stage until he bumps into an empty chair next to an elderly Anything Muppet woman (performed by Jennifer Barnhart with assistance from Jess McKay), at which point he sits down, and the music stops.

GUY SMILEY: Watch out for that chair there. Hello, Oscar the Grouch, how are you tonight?

OSCAR: Well, Mr. Smiley, it all depends.

GUY SMILEY: How so?

OSCAR: Sometimes, I feel like stroking a kitten, and other times, I feel like I wanna go kick a puppy across the street.

GUY SMILEY: Huh. I see. So, I hear you work as a struggling comedian in your spare time?

OSCAR: Yep, and, uh, I actually got a notepad full of my best jokes so far.

GUY SMILEY: Would you mind sharing a few jokes with us?

OSCAR: Sure, why not?

Oscar picks up a white notepad and flips a page.

OSCAR (reading aloud): Knock-knock.

GUY SMILEY: Who's there?

OSCAR (reading aloud): Donald.

GUY SMILEY: Donald who?

OSCAR (reading aloud): Donald your breath. You'll be dead by tomorrow.

The audience goes into mild shock, while Guy makes a confused face.

An Anything Muppet trumpeter (puppeteered by Andy Hayward) plays a "womp-womp" sting.

ELDERLY WOMAN: No, no, no, you can't tell a joke like that, Oscar!

GUY SMILEY: Yeah, that's not the kind of humor we wish to promote on this show.

OSCAR: Alright. I'm sorry, it's just...it's--it's been rough for me these past few days, Mr. Smiley. I got fired from my job a week ago, my mother died in the hospital this morning. And then there was the time I...

Guy and the AM woman lean forward with curious intent.

OSCAR: I...killed those three monsters on the subway.

This statement elicits a few quiet gasps from the audience. Guy listens closely.

GUY SMILEY: OK, I'm waiting for the punchline.

Oscar turns to Guy.

OSCAR (quietly): There is no punchline. It's not a joke.

Guy makes a serious face as he looks closer at Oscar.

GUY SMILEY: You're serious? You mean you actually killed three monsters on a subway train?

OSCAR: Mm-hm.

GUY SMILEY: And what makes you think we should believe you?

OSCAR: I've got nothing left to lose, Mr. Smiley. My life...is a joke. And I'm not pretending it isn't anymore.

Guy looks to the camera in disbelief.

OSCAR: Here's something you oughta know. When I was a little monster, I used to think that happiness was the only thing that kept the world turning. I used to think that even in the darkest of times, everything would be solved with a little friendship. But that's when I wisened up. Wisened up to all the lies.

GUY SMILEY: Lies? What kind of lies?

OSCAR: Lies coming from the media, for example, about the conditions of this street. People on TV, from the President to our mayor, saying that nobody here is worthy of being helped. Meanwhile, we get a rodent infestation one week, and the next, it's an earthquake! Not to mention, people are dying out on the sidewalks every day! Does the President think we're incapable of helping ourselves? Does the mayor think we deserve to die?! Guy, the people are sick and tired of being treated like dirt, and the mayor will find out firsthand, that when you don't do your job, there are dire consequences!

GUY SMILEY: OK, so with the language you're using, I assume your intention is to start some kind of uprising? Like, a "kill the rich" campaign of sorts?

OSCAR: Come on, Guy. Do I look like the kind of Grouch that could start a revolution? You think I killed those monsters just because they were rich? NO! I killed them because quite frankly, they were awful. Everyone is just awful these days. All the yelling, the screaming, and the meltdowns! Nobody's CIVIL anymore! Nobody gives a crackpot about anyone except themselves!

GUY SMILEY: Now, you know that's simply not true, Mr. Grouch. I know a lot of guys, nice people, who really do care about others, trying to find ways to help the people they love. There's some good in the world, I'm sure of that.

OSCAR: Oh, get off your ma-dame soapbox, Mr. Smiley! Have you ever actually left the studio and seen what's going on outside? Everywhere you go, it's nothing but gloom and doom! It's enough to drive anyone crazy.

GUY SMILEY: So that's it? You're crazy? That's your defense for killing three monsters?

OSCAR: Nope.

Guy makes an annoyed face.

OSCAR: All the money in the world can't buy you a good heart.

The crowd starts booing Oscar.

STAGEHAND (off-screen, voiced by Ryan Dillon): Get him off the stage!

Oscar rolls his eyes.

OSCAR: Ugh, why is everyone so upset about those jerks? If it was me dying on the side of the road, you'd walk all over me! You wouldn't care if I was dead! I pass you by every day, and every day, you don't notice me! But these guys, what, because the mayor went on TV, crying about "justice"?!

GUY SMILEY: You got a problem with the mayor?

OSCAR: Yes, Guy, I do!

GUY SMILEY: And what is the problem, exactly?

OSCAR: "What's the problem"? Do you even know how out of touch you are, Mr. Smiley?! Do you honestly believe that people like the mayor know what it's like to be somebody like me? To be somebody but themselves? Well, let me tell you, they don't. They think that people like me are just gonna stand there like idiots and accept everything they throw at us, like we're good, little children! But they better believe it, we're as mad as hell! AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

GUY SMILEY: Are you finished? I mean, this is so much self-pity, Oscar. It just sounds like you're making excuses for killing those monsters. Not everybody, and I'll tell you this, not everyone is awful.

A now furious Oscar does a slow burn to Guy's face.

OSCAR (quiet, barely able to contain his wrath): You're awful, Guy Smiley.

GUY SMILEY: Me? I'm awful? Sure, tell me, how am I awful?

Oscar breathes deeply.

OSCAR: Remember that video of me trying to be a comedian?

GUY SMILEY: Maybe, maybe not. Was it the one where you burst into tears halfway through?

OSCAR: Yes. Remember when you played it on your show?

GUY SMILEY: Yeah, kinda.

OSCAR: And for what? To make fun of me? To embarrass me on national television? To treat the future of comedy like a failure?

GUY SMILEY: Well, I wouldn't exactly call you--

OSCAR: You're just as bad as everyone else. And you're either too proud or too scared to admit it.

GUY SMILEY: This isn't about me, Oscar the Grouch. Look what's happening because of what you did; what it's led to. Thugs in fur suits and fake trash are out killing the rich, like they're some kind of extremist Robin Hood, sometimes right in front of their families--

While Guy says this, Oscar begins laughing.

GUY SMILEY: You're laughing. You're laughing! People are dead because of what you caused, and you're laughing!

OSCAR: I know! (pause) How about another joke, Guy?

GUY SMILEY: No, I think we've had it with your sick jokes.

OSCAR: What do you get when you cross (gradually starts screaming) a grumpy outcast with a SOCIETY THAT ABANDONS HIM AND TREATS HIM LIKE TRASH?! (voice begins cracking) I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU GET!!

GUY SMILEY (at the same time): I don't think so. Alright, that's it, get him off the stage! Call the police, ma'am! Call the police!!

OSCAR (voice now filled with seething hatred): YOU GET WHAT YOU DUMPIN' DESERVE!!!

Oscar produces a handgun, but before he can shoot, the scene cuts to the AM woman's horrified expression. A gunshot is heard as the panicked audience and Anything Muppet cameraman (puppeteered by Stephanie D'Abruzzo) flee the studio.

Oscar turns to the shocked AM woman.

OSCAR: SCRAM!

The woman immediately flees the set.

Oscar then turns around and fires another gunshot at Guy Smiley's desk, producing even more panic.

The Grouch then drops his weapon and approaches the unmanned studio camera.

OSCAR: Goodnight, America. And Mr. Mayor, if you're watching this, you better lock yourself in tonight. 'Cause we're gonna make sure...you--

Mid-sentence, the feed cuts to a test pattern, with intermission music playing in the background.