Angry Video Game Nerd: Pixels/Transcript

The Nerd: Welcome to another movie review of Cinemassacre. 10 years ago, I reviewed Ricky 1 for the Nostalgia Critic. Now, a lot of people are just requesting me to review the worst film of 2015. And surprisingly, it wasn't Ant-Man, nor was it Star Wars or Aardman's Shaun the Sheep. (clears throat) However, that movie is the worst film of all time: Pixels.

(the scene shows the opening title of Pixels)

The Nerd: Back in 2015, I've been getting a request to review Pixels, and at first, I didn't understand why. But I think the real truth is that it's one of the failure films of 2015. I should've called this the crowning achievement of failure from the production company Happy Madison. This is Adam Sandler's production company that seems to reward the strange phenomenon that despite someone like Sandler having many different talents, he somehow makes millions by insultingly using none of them. And thus, Happy Madison has been producing the other films with an actor such as Sandler like Little Nicky, Eight Crazy Nights, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Bedtime Stories, Grown-Ups, Jack and Jill, and That's My Boy because the name of an actor is Adam Sandler. (shows posters of Little Nicky, Eight Crazy Nights, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Bedtime Stories, Grown-Ups, Jack and Jill, and That's My Boy.)

The Nerd: This was an SNL cast member who had great talent, jokes and impersonations. He even had some of his hit movies like Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, Punch Drunk Love, 50 First Dates, Spanglish, Click, You Don't Mess With the Zohan and Funny People. (posters of Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, Punch Drunk Love, 50 First Dates, Spanglish, You Don't Mess with the Zohan and Funny People are shown.)

The Nerd: And whatever the case, Sandler, Kevin James, Michelle Monaghan, Josh Gad, Brian Cox and Peter Dinklage starred in this fucking hunk of shit. How bad is it? Well, Rotten Tomatoes has given it 17%. And according to what I hear, some of the awards earned this movie by the Golden Raspberry Awards.

The Nerd: That bad, people, that bad! So, without further ado, let's first address what everyone's already been talking about how similar this movie is to a Futurama episode. (shows a picture of the original short film Pixels) Despite the movie being based on the short film, (shows pictures of the Futurama episode, Anthology of Interest II) there's a Futurama episode where the video games from the 1980s attack the future city that's pretty damn close in comparison to this. But I'm choosing to judge this on its own merits. Because much like (posters of) Osmosis Jones and Inside Out, even if it's been done before, what matters is what they can bring to it that's new and good. And now, let's see how bad this movie looks like. This is Pixels. (pause) Really? Just 17%? (The Rotten Tomatoes graphic appears with a 17% right next to it. The Nerd sighs and facepalms in disappointment) Anyhow, the Nostalgia Critic reviewed this movie and that's why he's here to help me review the movie.

Nostalgia Critic: Yep, I sure did 3 years ago with my brother, father, Jim, Malcolm and Tamara.

(His brother, father and friends come to his room)

Rob, Barney, Tamara, Jim and Malcolm: Hello.

Nostalgia Critic: So, I think you're ready to review Pixels for all of us.

The Nerd: All right. Let's do this. (inserts the Blu-ray disc of Pixels into his PlayStation 4) It begins with the young versions of Sam Brenner and William Cooper at an arcade championship and they meet a boy named Ludlow Lamonsoff the Wonder Kid who doesn't have friends and lives with his grandmother named Mickey.

Mickey Lamonsoff: (holds up a six-pack bottle of Yoo-hoo) Yoo-hoo!

The Nerd: That was the first joke, Critic. She says "Yoo-hoo" while she holds up a six-pack bottle of Yoo-hoo. $110,000,000 budget and that's exactly their opening joke.

Nostalgia Critic: You know, why don't you just be honest and say, "Fuck you, bitches. I'm smoking your money." (The Nerd chuckles)

The Nerd: Brenner loses to a kid named Eddie Plant which means the gameplay of Donkey Kong will be put into time capsule and launched into space. The scene cuts to the present day where Brenner, now played by Adam Sandler, is having a conversation with Cooper, now played by Kevin James, who acts like the President of the United States.

Nostalgia Critic: You know, the country's actually considering electing Donald Trump as our next president, even we can eventually make America great again as a campaign. And the weird thing is, he still plays like an actor like he always just does. He doesn't act like a president at all.

The Nerd: Don't worry. Donald Trump's already the President of the United States. Anyway, Brenner goes to a house named Matty Van Patten to work on the TV, but finds his mother Violet, played by Michelle Monaghan, is crying in the closet while she sips Chardonnay out of a sippy cup. Yes, a sippy cup. And the crazy part is that her husband Sinnamon divorces her after leaving her a text message.

Nostalgia Critic: Hold on a sec. Did you say Sinnamon with an S? Oh, yeah. It was S. And it's actually a typo or some sort. Go ahead, it's your review.

The Nerd: Meanwhile, at the White House in Washington D.C., Brenner shows Cooper a footage of a military air base in Guam that's attacked by a pixelated Galaga then he discovers that Violet happens to be lieutenant colonel.

Tamara: Damn, she's lieutenant colonel?

Malcolm: Huh. I didn't know why Galaga attacked an airbase in Guam.

Rob: Well, nerds and games often don't mix.

Barney: I know. They certainly don't.

The Nerd: You know what kind of misbehavior this character called the goddamn, great, misunderstanding guy Sandler is? We're gonna need a bully.

Tamara: Oh. Let's see. Christopher McDonald, Mark Hamill, Alan Tudyk, Jean Reno. Ooh! Old curmudgeon Brian Cox!

Porter: Sons of bitches. Then let's blow Galaga to hell!

The Nerd: Huh, so that's how he's gonna blow Galaga to hell instead of Google.

Porter: So, let's blow up Google!

The Nerd: Don't worry. We can't see Sandler that's too much of an excuse. So Brenner drives back then he punches Ludlow Lamonsoff, now played by Josh Gad. And I know it's the actor who played Olaf from Frozen and LeFou from the live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. But I'm choosing the only reason that you wanna see them both impaled.