MineEnders (2019 TV series)/MineEnders Pilot Episode/Transcript

This is the transcript for the pilot episode of MineEnders.

Transcript
(MINEENDERS THEME TUNE)

Moving Guy: Here's the last box.

Jaden: Thank you.

Harry: So why'd we move again?

Jaden: Business, son. I just got applied for a new job here.

Harry: That old town was a load of rubbish anyway.

Lia: Oh, go get the door.

Jason: 'Sup neighbour.

Harry: Hi. Give me your name.

Jason: Uhh... politely.

Harry: Oh. What's your name?

Jason: Jason. Jason Quest.

Harry: Hey, I'm Harry Quadmile.

Jason: Ah good. Now that we know each other's names you'd be happy to know we're both attending that school

Jason: School's terrible, doesn't even have a proper PE court.

Harry: Good to know.

Mr. Cruncher: Hello, my students. A new year has started. And thus, we need to clear something up. Our environment is in danger. With people cutting down trees.

Jason: Question: Do they keep the roots planted?

Mr. Cruncher: Well, yeah but...

Jason: Then it's sustainable because if the roots are still in, the trees can re-grow.

Mr. Cruncher: We are burning coal like crazy and-

Jason: Only 2 politicians are interested in the coal business. 99% of people are using naturally occurring redstone to power their technology.

Mr. Cruncher: We are slaughtering and eating animals for ou-

Jason: We've been eating animals since the beginning of human existence. And animals kill bugs and other animals. And humans.

Mr. Cruncher: Screw this. This speech is going nowhere. Jason, you are banned from assembly until you apologise.

Jason: Sweet.

Mr. Cruncher: Let's do the boring stuff.

Jason: At least it ain't propaganda.

Mr. Cruncher: Yeah, I was contractually obligated to follow that speech anyway that I was hoping some troublemaker would screw it up.

Mr. Cruncher: Anyway, The Student of The Month is now active. So if you want to see who's the best, there you go.

Mr. Cruncher: The Yearly Blocktura's Got Talent is coming up in 2 months this time. That means you have to do show off your talents.

Mr. Cruncher: Anyway, let's look at the start-of-year prediction cards. Based by the grades last year, these cards show what we think you will do Jason doing a full-length feature film, Clyde becoming a mad genius, me getting hit by a car.

Mr. Cruncher: I swear if my daughter does one more assembly prank i'm going to disown her.

Mr. Cruncher: Anyway, goodbye and have a rubbish first lesson.

Jason: I was hoping to get banned. I hate assembly so damn much.

Ivan: Jason.

Jason: Oh, that's Ivan Bres. He's probably angry mad at me because he a really rule-following student.

Ivan: That was brilliant, most of the students would be so afraid to speak out.

Jason: Huh, thanks.

Jason: Yeah, he is part of what I call, Le Crew.

Harry: Anyway, I've got... two Science lessons in a row.

Jason: If that's bad, look at my timetable.

Harry: I feel sorry for you, but this place has some pretty girls around here.

Jason: So you're a womaniser?

Harry: Umm...

Ivan: *snickers* Oh, my Lord.

Harry: I'm screwed right here.

Jason: Yes, I am damned.

Jason: This is Harry, he just moved in like a day ago.

Ivan: Alright then.

Jason: Anyway, let's go.

Mr. Stiff: Hello, I am Mr. Stiff. Your science teacher. And today we are going to learn about Creeper Biology. So write it down your L.O.

Mr. Stiff: Sorry I meant L.Os. All of them.

Harry: Oh, Christ.

Mr. Stiff: Now moving on.

Harry: You gave us a split second!

Mr. Stiff: SILENCE!

Miss Mandus: Today, we will learn about algebraic expressions and uhh... how. They work. Y-yeah, that.

Jason: Oh, God.

Miss Mandus: Now thi-this i-is an algab- algebraic expression.

Mr. Stiff: Now this is very acidic and very dangerous.

Mr. Stiff: Here, you hold it.

Miss Mandus: H-here are the questions.

Jacob: What the hell?

Jacob: Well. That was a nightmare.

Harry: Yeah, my science teacher said that the substance he was holding was very dangerous and then he threw it at a student.

Jacob: Wow. What an ass.

Jacob: Wanna come over some day?

Harry: Yeah.

Jacob: Hey! You made it!

Harry: Yes, I made it.

Jacob: My parents are out so we have as much time as ever to hang out.

Harry: Neat.

Harry: Now, I need to keep fo-

Harry: Jackpot.

Harry: Ow.

Jack: Yeah, Maya doesn't like being hit on.

Jason: This is Jack. He's Year 9. And he likes smacking people with that stick.

Jason: Expected that.

Jason: You've met Ivan before.

Ivan: Nice hat.

Jason: And this. Is Clyde.

Clyde: Hello.

Jason: So edgy you could use him as a razor sword.

Clyde: Jack.

Jason: That's the 10th time today!

Jason: And he's focusing on the girl.

Clyde: We had to get a dater someday.

Jason: Yeah, your attempt at dating was a complete disaster.

Clyde: Ja-

Jason: SO WAS MINE!

Harry: Hey, so...

Clyde: He has no idea what to say

Jason: (Whispering) Don't let him hear!

Harry: What's your favourite song?

Maya: From The Ground Up.

Harry: That's my favourite too!

Ivan: Hey! Hands off my girlfriend!

Jason: Oh yeah, forget those two were dating.

Clyde: It's why she's in... in the first place.

Harry: I wasn't trying to date her!

Ivan: I know when someone's dating and when someone's not!

Jason: (Shouting to Harry) Trust me, he does!

Ivan: Stop it Jack!

Harry: Your world is crazy.

Jason: Yup.

Maya: What in the name of hell was that?

Clyde: I don't know and I don't wanna know.

Jason: Me neither.

Lucas: Hey guys, guess what I bought at the school shop.

Ivan: Yes?

Maya: Huh?

Clyde: I'm intrigued.

Jason: What is it?

Harry: Huh?

Jack: Alright.

Lucas: 7 tickets to the talent show.

Ivan: So wait, all of us are playing?

Lucas: Yes!

Jason: That's Lucas, he gets us into... Well. A lot of things.

Lucas: Uhh, Jason. 5 Years in a row for best-behaved at both Icepop Middle School and Blocktura Academy.

Jason: Only because you never show any of your moments with us to the schools.

Lucas: JACK!

Jack: Not today.

Lucas: Damn It!

Clyde: Jason and Lucas have had a huge rivalry ever since they first met, this is hardly anything new.

Jason: You know what. Let's settle this in the talent show!

Lucas: Oh you wanna bet?

Jason: Loser pays winner 50 quid.

Lucas: Oh it's on, Jason!

Jason: Ow.

Clyde: And that's another Lucas-Jason bet.

Jason: Why do we always run into eachother.

Clyde: Alright. Cue the montage.

[Montage]

Jason: And, cut!

Harry: Hey, we finished!

Jason: Yep, onto post and then we can meet the deadline.

Harry: Then you can post it on YouTube just after the talent show.

Jason: Yep. True on that one.

Ivan: Y'know Lucas put his talent at being a gentleman. He doesn't know who's coming through.

Jason: Oh, I know what to do.

Mr. Raunchaw: Hello I am Mr. Raunchaw, Head of Student Activites at Blocktura Academy, and I am very happy to announce that the yearly Blocktura Academy Talent show of Blocktura Main Hall will commence shortly. We have a wide range of talents, from Ballet, to a fully scripted and edited short, Improv and even to the world of science. Also if any of you watching at home are experiencing lag issues, that's your computer's fault. Anyway, let's begin with Alice Gredderson, she said her talent was engineering.

Alice: Hello, I am Alice Gredderson. Top of the class in Science, Engineering and Maths at Blocktura Accademy.

Fan: I LOVE YOU ALICE!!! I HAVE A T-SHIRT OF YOUR GIANT MAGNET!!!

Jason: Oh, that thing.

Harry: Oh yeah, the giant magnet she did 3 years ago.

Jason: Yeah. Back when she was sane.

Alice: Anyway, allow me to introduce, The Redstone Cannon.

Alice: Using the command blocks like so I was able to generate major command block and redstone energy all into this small blaster.

Mr. Raunchaw: Alright enough technicality let's test it out!

Janitor #2: I quit.

Mr. Raunchaw: An amazing feat of engineering, though I will have to revoke 60 points of you because you both smashed the door and vaporised a Janitor. Otherwise I would have given you a full 100.

Alice: Fine, if that's what you wanna play at, then, fine.

Mr. Raunchaw: 40 points to Alice Gredderson.

Harry: Why doesn't she even care that she killed someone?

Jason: That's Aice Gredderson for you.

Mr. Raunchaw: Next up, Magic with Jack Crass.

Jack: Oh, my turn.

Jack: Ivan, music!

Jack: Hello, my fellow friends. And welcome to the the mystery of magic.

Jason: Best part of these talent shows is watching Jack fail.

Jack: Anyway, for my first trick. I am going to make the music play out of nothing.

Jason: I can't wait to see the look on his face.

Harry: Do our faces even change?

Jack: This stereo is currently playing the music right to the speakers. Now watch it disappear.

Jason: Here we go.

Jack: KAZAAM!

Jason: HOLY CRAP!

Harry: What?!

Jack: The cables are gone to, so yes, the music is playing out of nothing.

Jack: However, I haven't perfected this trick so there's a high chance the music could-

Jack: Awkwardly turn off.

Jack: I came fully prepared, thankfully, my assistant, Ivan set up another stereo

Jason: Okay, who's preparing the funeral because that is a strange way to die.

Jason: Hey Ja- Hang on.

Jack: Sorry about that, but that was my second trick!

Jack: Now for my final trick, whoever, caught that, pick a card.

Guy: I pick middle.

Jack: Very well. Oh, you might wanna check under your seat.

Guy: Is that-

Jack: The same card!

Jack: Stop the music!

Mr. Raunchaw: That was excellent. The only thing that went wrong was that when you made the stereo disappear the music didn't go on forever, but I will give you 5 points for acknowledging that flaw and it did still go on for a bit after the stereo disappeared.

Mr. Raunchaw: 95 points to Jack Crass.

Jack: Thank you so much.

Jason: Ohh Hard to beat.

Mr. Raunchaw: Next up is not from Blocktura Academy, he is Darren Targ from Woodland College and he is doing potion-making.

Darren: Thank you every one.

Darren: Now this is Creeper's Blood.

Jason: Uh-huh?

Darren: And this, is an IDP.

Jason: Yep.

Darren: We drop the Creeper's Blood into the IDP and...

Servant: OH CRAP!

Darren: Boom.

Mr. Raunchaw: Downsides?

Darren: Oh, you have a limited time to use it before it blows up by itself.

Mr. Raunchaw: Fair drawback. Anyway, 86 points to Darren Targ.

Darren: Thank you.

Mr. Raunchaw: Anyway, Next up is Blocktura Academy's Number One Rebel and Filmmaker, Jason Quest, who of course, has a non-live comedy presentation, where he is also bringing you his team to the presentation.

Jason: Thanks, Mr. Raunchaw. Now, over the two months we made this we have had a ton of fun, so, shall we. It's called, how NOT to cook a fine breakfast. Shall we?

(As Chef's Gutair's lines progress, he slowly starts losing the fake French accent.)

Chef Gutair (Harry): Hello, everyone. I am Chef Gutair. And as you can see I will show you how to make a fine breakfast.

Chef Gutair (Harry): First we put ze eggs into the pan. Then we grab ze cooking pot and spray water in it like a russian roulette betting an unstable hose of water.

Chef Gutair (Harry): Oh no! MY EGGS ARE GOING POP, POP!

Narrator (Ivan): One disaster later...

Chef Gutair (Harry): Voila!

Maya: Gross, how can this be breakfast?!

Chef Gutair (Harry): Hmmm!! You want to fight over it?!

Maya: No, I-

Chef Gutair (Harry): EN GAUDE!!

Chef Gutair (Harry): I HAVE DEFEATED Y-

Cop (Clyde): Sir, By Blockturan law, you have been arrested for 10 counts of murder. 9 of which being officers

Chef Gutair (Harry): Tue-moi.

Cop (Clyde): Okay.

Mr. Raunchaw: (Laughing) Okay, that was too funny, if a bit unproffesional and sloppy. 90 points to Jacob and his team.

(Mr. Raunchaw keeps laughing until his next line)

Jacob: High-Five!

Mr. Raunchaw: [Stops Laughing] Okay, okay. Next up is Lucas Foreword.

Lucas: Thank you everyone. Today I am going to show you how to be a true gentleman.

Mr. Raunchaw: Definitely not the most exciting, but it is your talent so, do it.

Lucas: Here, let me help you boys.

Harry: Okay.

Jason: Right.

Jason: Hey, remember when we went to the prom?

Lucas: Do. Not. MENTION THAT!!!

(Lucas Screams at Jason, Jason Laughs)

Lucas: WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT?!!

Mr. Raunchaw: Stop! Okay, that was not a gentlemen, that was an very angry sibling.

Lucas: What?

Mr. Raunchaw: 0 points to Lucas Foreword

Jacob: You lost the bet.

Lucas: WHAT?! WHY?!

Jacob: It's about time you showed your true colours.

(Lucas Screams some more)

Jacob: Alright, then.

Mr. Raunchaw: Okaaay. For our. Final. Contestant. We have Matt Duffer.

Matt: Hello, and today, I'm gonna do the Elytra.

Jacob: Here we go.

Matt: HALEUYA!

Janitor #1: OH CRAP!

Mr. Raunchaw: I-I-It's Beutifull. 100 Points to Matt Duffer.

(Matt Duffer Screams as he's falling down)

Jacob: He's run out of rockets, hasn't he.

Harry: I just moved in that house!

Mr. Raunchaw: 99.9 points to Matt Duffer.

Clyde: Well, Matt won.

Jacob: Yeah, he. What's wrong with Lucas?

Clyde: He's been bullied and insulted ever since you exposed him at the talent show. Badly.

Jacob: Really?

Clyde: I doubt you're gonna- [sighs]

Jacob: H-Hey Lucas.

Jacob: Ooooooh, your eye

Lucas: It's all your fault!

Jacob: I know.

Lucas: Wait, are yo-

Jacob: Yeah, I'm sorry.

Lucas: You don't mean it!

Jacob: How could I not mean it when you have that much of a beaten-up face.

Lucas: Jacob.

Jacob: Yeah.

Lucas: Look, the reason I get angry all the time is because I've been suffering heavy anger issues my whole life.

Jacob: I can see that.

Lucas: And the reason I act like a gentlemen at these talent shows is because, well. I want to hide it.

Jacob: Yeah, I suffered from depression a few years ago after my entire life came crashing down on me. And an even worse school than this place.

Lucas: Really?

Jacob: Yeah, tried acting all happy-go-lucky to hide it, but it didn't work out.

Lucas: I... I never knew you used to have depression.

(MINEENDERS END CREDITS)

[AFTER CREDITS SCENE]

Matt: I-I... can....

Matt: FLY!!

Ivan: That's the fourth time something's hit me in the face right as I come out, give me a break.

Matt: Hey, Hey. How'd I do.

Ivan: You won, so. I think you did a good job

Matt: YES!