Tankman Trouble/Transcript

Pre-Ugh
(Keith and Cherry are riding in a private jet airplane owned by Cherry’s parents)

Keith: Woooow, your family’s private jet rocks, Cherry! Even the seats are comfy!

Cherry: Yeah, they’re the comfiest! Mom picked ‘em out personally.

Mommy Mearest: What can I say? Mother knows best.

Daddy Dearest: And I painted the plane.

(The plane is purple, like the color of Cherry's parents' skin, but Dad added something a little extra. He painted a picture of him punching Keith in the face and wrote “DADDY DEAREST'S BOYFRIEND DESTROYING JET” right next to it. But neither Keith nor Cherry know that yet.)

Keith: (unimpressed) Never would've guessed. Where are we headed, anyway?

Mom: We figured we’d invite you both to our favorite spa! It’s the only one that knows how to treat demon skin!

Dad: (pointing out the window) In fact, we’re almost there!

Keith: (also looking out the window) Huh? But we’re flying over the middle of nowhere!

(Suddenly, one of Mom’s henchmen/backup dancers prepares to land the plane, but not in a safe way)

Henchman: Goin’ down.

(The henchman snaps his fingers and the lights start flashing. Keith begins to panic, but Cherry and her parents remain unfazed)

Dad: Ah, here we go.

Keith: AAAUGH! WHAT’S THAT PILOT DOING??? WE’RE GONNA CRASH!

Dad: Just sit tight and enjoy the ride, and all my - er, your troubles will soon be over.

Keith: Forget that!

(Keith grabs Cherry by the arm and prepares to escape)

Keith: C’mon, Cherry, we gotta get out of here!

Cherry: Huh?!

(Keith runs to the emergency exit, Cherry in hand, and grabs the nearby parachutes. He puts his parachute on and helps Cherry put on hers, and they both jump out of the plane)

(NOTE: Kids, please don’t jump out of a moving plane. It’s very dangerous, especially if you don’t have a parachute)

Keith: Quick, open your parachute!

(Cherry opens her parachute and prepares for a safe landing)

Keith: Now for mine!

(But he doesn’t have a parachute. Instead, a giant set of speakers come out, and Keith plummets to the ground)

Keith: Aaaaaugh!

(Keith crashes to the ground, with the speakers landing on top of him)

Keith: Eeeugh...

(Cherry floats down with her parachute and lands safely on top of the speakers. Unfortunately, they’ve landed in a restricted military zone, and the soldiers are not happy about two teenagers ending up on their property, especially not their leader, Sergeant John Captain (aka Tankman))

Captain: Well, well, well, what have we got here?

(Two of the soldiers appear behind Cherry and point their guns at her, so Cherry puts her hands up as a sign to not shoot her. As Keith crawls out from under the speakers, Captain notices the blue-haired boy and Cherry and comes up to them)

Captain: Hey, this is a warzone! Kids like you are not allowed here! Dig that stereo, though. Bet movies would sound great on it.

(Captain also notices Keith’s microphone)

Captain: And that mic...You a singer or somethin’?

Keith: Oh yeah, singing is my entire life. That’s why I bring my microphone with me everywhere I go.

Captain: (to Cherry) And what do you do, young lady?

Cherry: Well, I’m just there to cheer him on. You know, I move my head to the beat and stuff. I haven’t had a chance to sing with him yet, but I really hope I will.

Captain: Sounds real helpful.

(Captain then turns his attention back to Keith)

Captain: Y’know, buddy, normally we’d just kill you for intruding, but...What the hell? It’s been a boring day. Let’s see what you got!

(Captain picks up a microphone and starts the song. When he sings, his voice is so autotuned that he sounds outright robotic)

Ugh
Captain: Better sing real pretty, bud! I could crush your bodies just like bugs! But then there’d be so much blood! Cleaning up would be Ugh...

Keith: No need to get so intense! Neither of us wanted to drop by! Doesn’t really make much sense Sentencing us to die!

Captain: Honestly, it’s sounding pretty tempting, Don’t know if I wanna hear That awkward teen voice singing back to me for a while, If your rhymes ain’t fire, you’re toast! That clear?

Keith: If sick burns are really what you’re after You’ve held up the perfect team! I spent years perfecting my craft, while you tankmen goofed off, Couldn’t even make the Marines!

Captain: Raggin’ on the tank? Not that wise a start, When it’s aimed at your way! Man, you got some cojones! I hope you’re not a one-trick pony!

Keith: (overlapping) You have no idea what I’ve gotten through! You might sing real tough, but I’ve outperformed tougher than you!

Captain: You think you’re tough? ‘Bout time you learned! Real men ain’t fazed by crappy grade-school burns! Try not sucking on your next turn!

Keith: (overlapping) Just warming up! Can’t do my worst ‘Til I learn how I can hit you where it hurts!

Captain: Let me show you how it’s done! Don’t know why you’re lookin’ so damn smug When you’re standin’ four-foot one Bet you’re short there, too Ugh...

Keith: Gonna hit beneath the belt Tradin’ inappropriate zingers? I bet all you’ve ever felt’s Your own salad fingers!

Captain: I got standards, man! Take a look at yours! (Ugh…) Dating a teen with the brains of a door While I rule the Tankmen patrolling this wasteland Bein’ awesome, conquering every war!

Keith: Don’t insult Cherry! She’s the world to me! When I kiss her, no thoughts, head empty You raise your turret to blow grunts away ‘Cause you can’t have what comes to us naturally!

Captain: If I give up, my whole team’ll perish! They need me to lead the rush! True bonds shared by men hold up far stronger than Two dumb hormonal teenagers with a crush!

Keith: We’ve survived a creepy lemon monster And each other’s bad decisions And, even though it makes our lives tougher, We’re together, drop your derision, man!

Captain: That’s real cute, but cute stuff’s lame! Makes me wanna block it with earplugs! Up the rating on this game! These verses have been… Ugh…

Keith: You just can’t admit I won! Can’t split us apart with those weak threats! Keep on waving ‘round those guns I ain’t goin’ down yet!

(Song finishes)

Captain: Hah! Pretty tight bars for a little dude who’s simping over an ugly, boring little teenager that wears her mom’s clothes, ha! Hehehehe...But bars can only get ya so far. When funny rapping fails…

(Captain whips out his gun)

Captain: That’s what these babies are for.

Keith: (nervous) Whoa, maybe don’t actually wave that thing around?

Captain: Relax, the safety’s on!

(Captain fires his gun into the air, killing the Behemoth Chicken from Alien Hominid)

Captain: ...Now.

Keith: Please put that away while we’re singing.

Captain: Fine...But you really oughta understand why guns get my turret rising.

(Captain puts down his gun and picks up his microphone)

Captain: Consider this basic training...If you live long enough to join us.

(As the song starts, Captain explains the importance of guns to Keith before he starts singing)

Captain: Now, the most important thing about guns is to have one! Never give it up, soldier! The second most important thing is proper handling and marksmanship, but that’s a bit advanced for you right now, so let’s just sing about ‘em instead.

Guns
Captain: On the field, it’s a bitter, cold, and brutal warzone! Things’ll turn out bad If you’re left defenseless, buddy!

Keith: Nerves are steeled! Did you really think I’d leave myself prone When my girlfriend’s dad has a target painted on me?

Captain: Ah! So you’ve got a devoted captain huntin’ you, too? Tryin’ real hard to sink your hopes of gettin’ funky All night long with your date?

Keith: Yeah, but I just hold him back with rappin’, wouldn’t do Much good shooting up the guy who keeps my girlfriend housed and Kept in good funkin’ shape!

Captain: Hey, ya know, don’t gotta shoot him down There’s more than one way you can win the battle! Snipers strike fear with a single round Aimed where the sun don’t shine and leave ‘em all rattled!

Keith: (What? No way!) Shooting him there would just be unsightly He’d be madder than he is already! Even if it would affect him slightly, Wouldn’t be able to keep my aim steady!

Captain: That’s why you gotta learn ‘bout using guns! Who knows when you’ll need to fire? And if you’re gonna learn how to fire one Might as well wear the proper attire!

Keith: (Think I’ll pass, pal!) Haven’t faced anything I couldn’t overcome Singing ‘til things worked out nicely! Opening fire sounds reckless and dumb And assault gear’s really pricey!

Captain: That’s the fun part of fighting in this war! Nothing else left to spend our cash on! Loaded with weapons, armor, food and more! Everybody gets a ration!

Keith: Got it now! You care lots about your team! Want ‘em to be safe and sound, clearly! Ready to fight, a well-oiled machine That’s why you love guns so dearly!

Captain: Are you callin’ me a softie? Those guys are just cannon fodder! If I let them all die, no one would cover me! Otherwise, why would I bother?

Keith: But doesn’t that mean that somewhere In your heart past pain and panic Much as you might deny, hidden, deep down in there There’s a passion that’s titanic

Captain: Heh, you got me there! Love the whole second half of that movie, it’s thrilling! ‘Specially the part where the iceberg hits the ship And there’s hundreds of onscreen killings! Shame a few of the lifeboats manage to steer away And save the snobs fleein’ Always wondered what it’d be like If I willed myself there to intervene

Keith: Wait a second, what? We were just talkin’ about emotions and duty Thought we were gonna have a breakthrough Now you’re just talking about a movie? Why don’t we just step back and try this again ‘Cause I know you’re more than a gun! Even if you don’t care ‘bout most of ‘em, Bet you’re still lookin’ out for someone!

Captain: Stop tryin’ to be my therapist! Anyway, where was I? Oh, right! I’d set up a big iceberg tank and Shoot down fleeing lifeboats all night! And it would fire smaller icebergs That make their boats sink, drown out their screamin’ Then I’d go back home, eat some food And think up more strategies while I’m dreamin’!

Keith: How does that connect to anything? You’re goin’ the wrong direction! This part was gonna be the climax, With a meaningful connection! I gave you such a perfect setup To make your love of guns mean somethin’ more! But you tossed it away to give movies that were just fine Extra deaths and war!

Captain: Told ya, kid, I’m fine, soundin’ like a creep Coulda learned to shoot things, but you kept debating! If you were smart, you’d have gone “beep boop beep” That’d be funny, instead of grating! But don’t worry, you’ll learn a bunch real fast Face so full of lead, you’ll need a mask You’ll look like Darkman, from your head to hips Just try kissin’ your girl without lips!

Keith: Wait up! Hold your fire! Got me thinkin’ Movies are how you’re speakin’ your thoughts through! Like the Titanic, your life is sinkin’ And you don’t want anyone to save you! So you hold it in, shooting folks to bits Who might make you reexamine it Leave them terrified, focused on their pain So nobody bugs you ‘bout your brain!

Captain: (spoken) Kid, that’s...totally wrong! Hahahaha! (Song finishes)

Steve: (to Captain) Hey, Captain, maybe this kid should suck less if you told him your actual problem, sir!

Captain: God effin’ dammit, Steve, I just wanted to rap about guns and movies. But this little turd had to make everything all emotional and metaphorical. (to Keith) Well, let’s see how emotional you are once we waste your girlfriend! Men, prepare to fire! Sorry, kids, no prom for you this year! Ha ha ha!

(The soldiers aim their guns at Cherry and prepare to shoot her)

Captain: Any last words, ma’am?

(Without warning, Cherry unleashes her demonic powers and uses them to manipulate gravity by singing the lyrics for the Tutorial song)

Cherry: Up.

Steve: Huh?

Other Tankman: Up?

(Suddenly, Cherry’s powers lift the Tankmen into the air)

Tankmen: Uaaaahhh!

Cherry: Down.

(Cherry’s powers cause the Tankmen to slam face-first onto the ground)

Tankmen: Ugh!

Cherry: Left.

(The Tankmen slide to the left)

Tankmen: Aaaaghhhh!

Cherry: Right.

(The Tankmen slide to the right)

Tankmen: Whooooaaaaa!

Cherry: Whew...That’s how you do it!

(She winks, and Keith blushes)

Keith: Wh-what’s happening, and why is it getting so hot?

Captain: Oh no, two men down. Good thing I have five hundred million more! Everyone else, get ready to fire!

(The rest of the Tankmen aim their guns at Cherry and Keith)

Cherry: Uh-oh…

(Suddenly, Pico appears out of nowhere with two guns in each hand. He kicks Cherry off the speakers and she lands in Keith’s arms)

Keith: Gotcha!

(Then Keith notices that his ginger-haired, gun-toting friend is back, and he’s happy to see him again)

Keith: Yo, Pico! What are you doing here?

Pico: Savin’ your bacon. And, uh, I’m contractually obligated to save your girlfriend’s, too.

(Cherry gives Keith a brief hug and kisses his cheek, making him blush again)

Captain: Hey, great idea. Send the ginger with PTSD into a warzone where he can watch everyone he cares about die all over again!

(Captain’s comment makes Pico annoyed, and he starts to spin one of his guns around, preparing to fire it at the next person who makes fun of his past)

Steve: Sir! I’m okay, sir!

(Pico shoots Steve)

Steve: Augh!

Captain: Steve! Allright, that’s it! There’s only one way to settle this. Let’s rock, ya little twerps!

Cherry: Do you mind if I sing a few parts with you on this one, Keith?

Keith: Oh, why not? I’m sure your voice is just as good as mine! Hit it!

Pico: Get ready, Tankmen. Y’all are gonna get merc’d!

(During this song, Keith and Cherry share some singing parts while Pico shoots down the whole army of Tankmen to the beat, stopping to twirl his guns during drum beat pauses)

Stress
Captain: Go on, slaughter men like cattle with your merc It doesn’t mean squat! This is your first big-boy battle You’re about to lose a whole lot!

Keith: Didn’t count on Pico bustin’ caps But hey, I’m glad he made it! Even up the playing field To rap so hard your pride gets faded!

Captain: Think you got the rhymes to claim a victory? You might think your lines are pretty hard, but no one here gets hard as me!

Keith: (Man, you’re history!) Guess you haven’t noticed this fight’s two-on-one! Got my girlfriend right here in my arms

Keith and Cherry: Give up man, we can’t be outdone!

Captain: Wow, you’re singing lines together What a game-changer, twice the chance to fail!

Cherry: (overlapping) Dirty jokes can’t beat a duet!

Keith: We’re in sync, c’mon, do better, All of your burns are gettin’ really stale!

Captain: Are we actually gonna fight now? Not even tryin’, this ain’t worth my best!

Cherry: (overlapping) Ain’t seen nothing yet!

Captain: Won fights before, but can you win the war? You don’t understand the kind of stress this army job will give ya!

Keith: (overlapping) C’mon, take your best shot right now My girlfriend and I can pass any test!

Pico: (C’mon!)

Captain: Another day, another death, And ya wonder who’s gonna outlive ya!

Keith: Just tryin’ to date my girlfriend’s deadlier than all your lackeys The second I think I can breathe again, someone with a grudge attacks me!

Captain: They’re not the ones that I worry ‘bout It’s the enemy fighters on my tail One by one, they could wipe us all out Leaving nothing but a blood trail

Keith: Least everyone trying to off your crew Looks kinda the same, easy to know Who’s a passerby and who’s a threat to you Anyone could be my greatest foe

Captain: That’s the part that makes me stress out Most of them are chill and tired

Keith: (Wait, what?)

Captain: But if just one troop got left out From our Titanic-based cease-fire…

Keith: So, you mean… If one missed the order out there They’d still think that you were fighting Any one of them anywhere Could, without warning, strike like lightning?

Captain: (Yeah...Yup...Right...True...Heh! Pretty good!) Never a second I don’t wanna shoot ‘em all But then it’d be just like before Bye, Titanic, hello tank war...

Cherry: (overlapping) Never a second of respite Prepared at all times to fight!

Keith: I’ll be real, sounds like your life is misery Even when folks try to take me out, We just sing, they never jump me!

Pico: (C’mon!)

Captain: There you go, you unlocked my story, Doesn’t it make you feel dandy? Sucking away on my terror and lost glory Like a yummy piece of hard-rock candy?

Cherry: (How can we help?)

Keith: Isn’t there something you could whip up That would help make sure everyone knows You paused your war and don’t wanna slip up So you get to chill for real watchin’ your show?

Captain: Oh, did you really think that would help me? I don’t trust any of them to play fair! I got their favorite half of the movie! Disc 1’s sitting right in storage over there!

Keith: Ever think your whole truce might just slip If all it takes to break is one dumb disc

Cherry: Prob’ly should build a way stronger friendship If you really wanna drop the fighting risk

Captain: And you lost me, god, that’s so weak I’m not gonna make amends like some soft freak!

Cherry: (Oh dear…)

Captain: The second they see an easy mark, They’ll set me up, grab the disc once it gets dark!

Keith: (Seems clear…)

All Three: Nothing to do, stuck in stalemate Keeping the worse half of the flick just to placate Knowing if they had it again Ceasefire’s dead, and so are a million Tankmen!

Captain: Might as well just give up You ain’t gonna solve this All we did was dig up My annoying crisis

Keith: (Can’t give up now!) Gotta end with somethin’! Sittin’ out here stranded! Think I’m gonna jump in Leave you empty-handed?

Captain: Face it kid, you lost, no easy out Not all problems compliment your singing clout!

Keith and Cherry: (overlapping) Fix this somehow!

Cherry: C’mon, think fast, Keith, the song is ending!

Keith: These things always wrap with a befriending!

Cherry: Yeah!

(As Cherry sings “Yeah!”, Pico finishes up his shooting spree, ending the song)

Captain: Well, kids, you survived roughly five minutes and fifty-two seconds of singing. I guess we gotta let you go after all.

Keith: Oh! Huh.

Cherry: Whew…

Keith: Didn’t expect you to be so understanding after messing up the last song like that.

Captain: Hah! Yeah, right! You didn’t mess up a damn thing, did ya? You’ve been working for the enemy captain this whole time!

Keith: What?

Cherry: Huh?

Captain: It’s so obvious. He sent you to attack us and take Disc One of Titanic so he wouldn’t need us alive anymore to watch the whole thing.

Keith: But I didn’t lay a finger on you!

Captain: Your friend just killed half my platoon.

Keith: Oh yeah.

Pico: Sorry I missed a few. Let me finish the job.

(But just as he’s about to shoot Captain, he realizes that his guns won’t fire)

Pico: What the…? You’ve gotta be kidding me. I’m all outta bullets! Uhh...Well, guess I have no choice.

(Knowing that his guns won’t be very useful anymore now that they have no bullets, Pico leaps off the speakers and runs off)

Pico: I’m outta here!

Captain: Eh, he won’t get far. You know, I hadn’t even realized you were a dirty little pawn until you started grilling me for info.

(Captain walks up to Keith and Cherry)

Captain: You really had me thinking you were just a dumb kid with bad luck and a good heart. But I should’ve known better. This is war. And in war, people DIE.

(Captain loads up his gun and prepares to shoot Keith and Cherry)

Captain: People like you. Any last words?

(Keith tries to protect his girlfriend while preparing to be a meat shield. Suddenly, a strange red glow surrounds Captain’s gun and it mysteriously disappears)

Captain: ...What the frick?

(Just then, Cherry’s parents come running over, led by Pico)

Pico: They’re over there!

Dad: Cherry!

Mom: You’re okay!

(Cherry’s parents immediately pick up their daughter and wrap her up in warm embrace, feeling happy and relieved that Cherry is safe)

Dad: Oh, my little baby girl!

Mom: Sweetie!

Cherry: Mom! Dad! Aww, guys, you saved me! And Keith, too!

(Cherry’s parents give menacing glares at Keith)

Dad: Unfortunately…

(But Captain isn’t interested in this little family reunion. He wants to know where his troop’s guns are now that they’ve disappeared)

Captain: (to Dad) Hey, grandpa! Where are our guns?!

Dad: You’re lucky that’s all we took.

Mom: We just put them where we put everything that tries to hurt our daughter.

(It turns out Cherry’s parents used their demon powers to teleport the Tankmen’s guns to the most unimaginable place yet: the video game Lover’s Delight. Senpai is apparently still alive after Spirit broke free from him. Everyone knows that video game characters have extra lives, so that might be how Senpai survived Spirit escaping him. He’s holding up an umbrella, feeling annoyed by all the guns that are falling from the pixelated sky)

Senpai: Why is it raining guns?

(Well, I guess from this point forward, Lover’s Delight will be now known as Shooter’s Delight. Anyway, back to the Restricted Military Zone…)

Keith: (to Captain, slightly nervous) Well, look on the bright side! If none of you have guns, none of you can kill each other anymore. The war’s actually over!

Captain: Egghhh...Really? That’s how you solve everything? Take away all the guns? Why am I not surprised? Well, screw this. I’m outta here.

(Captain summons his tank and jumps into it. He prepares to fire, but it turns out Cherry’s parents took away his tank’s ammo as well)

Captain: What?! You took the tank ammo, too? Oh, come oooon!

(Captain drives away in his tank. Both Keith and Cherry are relieved that they’re safe...for now, at least. Pico is just glad that Cherry’s parents only took the Tankmen’s guns away and not his)

Pico: At least they didn’t take my guns. I carry these babies with me wherever I go, because you'll never know if you might run into enemies who need a good bang to the head. If these guns are fully loaded, that is.

Cherry: Whew, I’m glad that’s over. I really don’t get why you put us through all this to begin with, though, Keith.

Keith: Well, what was I supposed to do? The plane was gonna crash! We would’ve died! That’s why I got you out of there and we landed in this military zone!

Cherry: What? We crash all the time and we’re fine. Besides, Dad told me humans love crash landing!

Keith: So, that was a lie…

Cherry: Huh? It was? But why would Dad…

(Suddenly, Cherry has a realization. Everything her dad taught her about mortal humans was nothing but a whole string of blatant lies. The moment she realizes this, she goes absolutely ballistic, reverting to her demon form and screaming at her father like Tricky the Clown does at Hank J. Wimbleton)

Cherry: DAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!

Dad: (knowing that he’s busted) Uh-oh…

Cherry: WHY COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME ALL THESE LIES ABOUT HUMANS?! IT MAKES ME WONDER WHY I WAS EVEN BORN A DEMON IN THE FIRST PLACE! AND WHY WOULD YOU KEEP TRYING TO GET RID OF KEITH?! HE’S NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO YOU!

Dad: B-but sweetie, I could explain...

Cherry: I don’t care! You might hate humans because they’re not immortal like us, but that’s no excuse to keep trying to kill the boy I love! If you keep lying to me about humans, I’m gonna drag your sorry butt down to hell, and I’M. NOT. JOKING. Now...PREPARE TO FEEL YOUR DAUGHTER’S FURY!!!

(Cherry begins to use her gravity-manipulating powers again, this time, on her own father)

Cherry: UP!

(Dad is lifted up into the air)

Dad: Wait! No! No! Aaaggghhh!

Cherry: LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT!

Dad: Whoa! Whoooooa! Put me down, daughter! Put me down!

Cherry: (singing to the tune of Dadbattle) You're Daddy Dearest, don’t you feel so ashamed, baby?

Mom: Oh, Cherry, dear, please settle down! You’re going to hurt your father if you keep doing that!

(Keith and Pico witness Cherry attacking her father, and decide that it’s best not to make her mad or lie to her, as they don’t want the same thing happening to them)

Keith: Okay, uh...Remind me to never make my girlfriend angry. Like, ever.

Pico: Yeah, it’s probably best not to.