WikiViews/Fire Emblem (film)

Script
Noah (imitating Russell Casse from Independence Day): HELLO, BOYS! I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

Satan: Ooh! Just in time for Fire Emblem!

* Noah goes out of control, batshit insane.*

Noah: Fire Emblem? FIRE EMBLEM!?!

* Cuts to Noah in his room.*

Noah: What is Fire Emblem? Dude, what ISN'T Fire Emblem?

* Cuts to images of Fire Emblem.*

Noah (VO): Fire Emblem is this awesome video game series that Nintendo made. It is probably their greatest creation, better than Mario, Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, even... *shows a picture of Captain N* Captain N: The Game Master!?!?!?!

Dillon: Absolutely is.

Noah: Well, I heard they made a movie out of this awesome video game, and I think the filmmakers knew about the shipping and the fantheories and the frustrating strategy and all that, so I think it'll be amazing! Let's see who directed it- RIAN JOHNSON!?!

* Shows a picture of Rian Johnson.*

Noah: Look, Rian, I'll be nice. Knives Out was pretty great, but you RUINED Star Wars!

Dillon: Last Jedi is not the worst Star Wars movie.

Noah: Last Jedi wasn't bad, but RISE OF SKYWALKER SUCKED THANKS TO IT TRYING TO RETCON THE LAST JEDI! So obviously, with a man who tortured the *sarcastic* GENIUS filmmaking skills of J.J. Abrams, he is now bringing his Midas touch of death to Fire Emblem. How is he gonna ruin it? Well, we're about to find out.

Dillon: It might work.

Noah: LEMME READ THE BACK OF THE DVD CASE! "After the death of his father and the destruction of his home, Altean prince Marth now lives in exile. Grieving for his father and a happier life, he forges an alliance with the remaining Altean knights and through the power of Falchion, Marth will avenge his father and confront the evil earth dragon Medeus in order to restore his kingdom to where it used to be." Yep. Shit, this is already off to a bad start. MEDEUS TRANSFORMED OUT OF THE EARTH DRAGON FORM!

Dillon: It's just a back cover. It's not like Tom Holland is Marth or anything.

Noah: Even worse, he's played by... Leo Howard? WHAAAAAAAT!?!

Dillon: Who dat?

Noah: They got a Disney Channel dude for this! Yo, I'mma tell Knotty! HEY KNOTTY!

Dillon: Can I bring someone in while he comes?

Nolan: Hey man welcome back

Noah: DUDE! THEY GOT A DISNEY CHANNEL GUY TO BE MARTH IN THIS LIVE-ACTION FIRE EMBLEM SHIT DIRECTED BY MR. BAD EXPECTATION SUBVERTER HIMSELF, RIAN JOHNSON!!!

Dillon: All we need is Adam Sandler then this is the perfect bad film.

Noah: Meh, they couldn't get him. They do have, however... Scarlett Johansson? Gerard Butler? Hugh Jackman? Chris Hemsworth? LEONARDO DICAPRIO!?!?!?!?!

* Satan drops his champagne glass, shattering on the ground.*

Satan: WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!

Noah: HOW DID THEY GET THESE PEOPLE!?!

Dillon: Same way Rian got his previous cast. Blackmail.

Nolan: Wait which Disney Channel star did they get Kid off Hannah Montana Cole Sprouse?

Dillon: LEO FUCKING HOWARD

Nolan: Are you serious they got the kid from Children of The Corn As Marth?!

Dillon: No. they got the kid from the karate kid ripoff as Marth.

Nolan: Yeah he was in Children of the Corn as well

Dillon: Eh.

Noah: Whatever. I'm gonna start up the movie.

* We hear an epic, bombastic version of the Fire Emblem theme.*

Noah (VO): Hey guys! We have Fire Emblem theme! We make good adaptation!

Dillon (VO): That's good.