Will the Real Kermit Please Stand Up? transcript

Prologue: The Muppet Theater/The Wizard of Oz production
Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Wait, come back, Mr. Wizard, don't leave without me!"
 * Miss Piggy is Dorothy
 * Foo-Foo is Toto
 * Scooter is the Scarecrow
 * Gonzo is the Tin Critter
 * Fozzie is the Cowardly Lion
 * Kermit is the Wizard
 * Annie Sue Pig is Glinda
 * Denise is Aunt Em
 * Link Hogthrob is Uncle Henry

Kermit/Wizard: "I can't come back, Dorothy, I don't know how this thing works, goodbye, my good friends!"

The hot air balloon disappears in a distance (backstage).

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Oh dear, I'll never get back home now."

Scooter/Scarecrow: "Look, Dorothy, here comes somebody who can help you out."

Annie Sue Pig/Glinda appears right in front of them.

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Will you take me back home to Kansas, please?"

Annie Sue Pig/Glinda: "Of course I can, Dorothy, but 1st you must say goodbye to your good friends."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Goodbye, Tin Critter, now don't weep, you'll rust dreadfully."

Gonzo/Tin Critter: "Now I know I got my heart even though it's breaking."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Goodbye, Cowardly Lion, I'm gonna miss the way you used to call for help right before you found your courage of comedy and laughter."

Fozzie/Cowardly Lion: "Well I wouldn't have found it, Dorothy, if it wasn't for you."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "And goodbye to you as well, Scarecrow, we did good together as always."

Scooter/the Scarecrow nods his head in agreement.

Annie Sue Pig/Glinda: "Are you ready to go back home to Kansas right now?"

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: [Clapping Heals 3 Times] "Take me back home to Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, take me back home to them."

The scenery switches from Oz to the Kansas farm lands.

Denise/Aunt Em: "Oh, Dorothy, we're so relieved you're safe and secure."

Link Hogthrob/Uncle Henry: "We thought we would never see you again."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "I'm never leaving here again at all."

The closing curtain begins.

Kermit: "Okay, everybody, that's our show, let's all head on down to Don Rickles Memorial State Park.

Fade to a black screen.......

[Theme Tune Music In Background]

Kermit: "It's time to get things started again."

[Short Version Of The Muppet Show Theme Tune In Background]

Scene 1: Don Rickles Memorial State Park
Kermit: "Oh boy, it sure is nice and beautiful out here."

Fozzie: "It sure is peaceful as well."

Gonzo: "I sure do believe in the nature of John Denver's memories."

Constantine (off screen): "You'll believe in anything than that."

Scooter: "Hey, Kermit, isn't that your evil counterpart, Constantine over there?"

Kermit: "Good grief, it's him!"

Constantine: "When you're all tied up and gagged, Kermit, I'm gonna take control of everything in the Muppet Theater."

Kermit: "That's not gonna happen this time, Constantine, mark my words!"

Miss Piggy: "What an idiot frog."

Rowlf: "We can't let him get away with anything, we must try and capture him."

Scooter: "I got an idea, we'll keep track of him wherever he goes."

Miss Piggy: "Good thinking."

Kermit: "Alright, everybody, let's keep a sharp eye out for constantine's location spots."

The Muppet friends walk around and keep a sharp eye out for Constantine's location spots.

Walter: "Look, you guys, he's right by the donut shop!"

Kermit: "There he is!"

Animal: "Get him!"

The Muppet friends continue chasing Constantine down, but unfortunately, Kermit gets tied up and taken away.

Fozzie: "Kermit!"

Constantine: "To the boarding house we go."

Kermit: "You'll regret this!"

Constantine rides off on his evil motor-bike with a tied up Kermit on his way to the Muppet Family Boarding house.

Gonzo: "He's got Kermit as his prisoner!"

Walter: "We must go and rescue him right away!"

Miss Piggy: "Right, let's go then!"

The 25 Muppet friends head on down on their way back to the Muppet Family Boarding House.

Scooter: "We better hurry up and get to Kermit right before Constantine puts words of hate and poison right into his mind!"

Scene 2: Back Home in the Muppet Family Boarding House
Kermit: "Somebody please get me outta here this instant!"

The 25 Muppet friends arrive to Kermit's rescue.

Miss Piggy: "Not so fast!"

Walter: "I got a few questions that only the real Kermit can answer."

Constantine: "Don't listen to him, he's my stage rival."

Kermit: "Don't listen to him, he's obviously just an evil frog enemy!"

Walter: "Question number 1: What time does the Muppet Theater open?"

Kermit: "4:32 PM."

Walter: "Correct, question number 2: what is your biggest fear of all times?"

Kermit: "Being taken off television."

Walter: "Correct again, question number 3: Who was the worst Muppet movie villain character in Muppet movie history?"

Kermit: "Doc Hopper, compared to Rachel Bitterman."

Walter: "Correct, question number 4: What will yours and Piggy's kids be in your married years?"

Kermit: "A little pink male frog or a little green female pig."

Walter: "Correct again, 5th and final question: What is your most favorite pizza and pasta place?"

Kermit: "Pizza Cabin."

Walter: "Correct again, now, Detective Rodney, come right over here and identify who the real Kermit is."

Detective Rodney: "Well, you guys, as your mystery detective, I say that the real Kermit is the 1 who's tied up in this chair."

Kermit: "Finally, somebody remembered the real me and came to my rescue."

Rizzo: "In yo' face, Constantine!"

Detective Rodney: "Officers, arrest this evil frog, please."

The 2 Whatnot police officers arrest Constantine to take him to the jail tower.

Constantine: "I wouldn't have gotten away with it if those meddling Muppet friends haven't been involved!"

The police car drives off on their way to the jail tower.

Kermit: "Good job, you guys, you finally made the right decision."

Fozzie: "I know we did."

Gonzo: "It wouldn't be the exact same without you here."

Scooter: "We're never leaving home without the Kermit we know and love."

Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, I really appreciate it, I promise not to run into anymore trouble again."

Fade to a black screen....