Mia (2022) (Astro Boy's Critic)

Astro Boy: Hello, I'm Astro Boy. I remember it so you have to. Say! (picks up and looks at his cell phone) It's Labor Day! (chuckles) Well, I suppose I should change into a video-on-demand, not that theatrically movie theaters are a big deal around here due to pandemic over. HA-HA! Now I'm ready for Labor Day!

Gandalf: (offscreen) Uh, Astro?

(Astro Boy looks toward who said that: it's Gandalf (LOTR/Hobbit) and Chihiro (Spirited Away).)

Astro Boy: I know. It's intentional. I wanted to see if a more breezy fall season was what I was looking for, as...some girls choose to looking for her owners in this.

Chihiro: Astro?

Astro Boy: It's fine, it's fine. I want this. I totally want this.

Gandalf: Even though you just said it didn't work.

Astro Boy: Yes, it's freeing. (whispering) It's very freeing.

Chihiro: (as she and Gandalf shake their heads) It doesn't look freeing.

Astro Boy: I feel alive. Very alive.

Chihiro: You look dead. Very dead.

Astro Boy: (whispering) You cannot pass.

Gandalf: Both inside and outside, dead. Fool of the robot boy.

Astro Boy: (whispering) You cannot pass.

Chihiro: (Astro Boy is still whispering "You cannot pass") We're gonna go get some french fries to eat them.

Astro Boy: (whispering) You cannot pass.

Gandalf: (Astro Boy is still whispering "You cannot pass") That's how I was supposed to do it. You'd just look silly.

Astro Boy: (still whispering) You cannot pa-a-a-a-a-a-ass.

(Gandalf and Chihiro finally take the hint and leave)

Astro Boy: (turning back to the camera) Somehow, this connects to Mia.

(The opening title for the 2022 spin-off anime adaptation is shown, followed by a shot of the Grinch here)

Astro Boy (vo): Because people couldn't get enough of...

(Cut to footage of the earlier Thumbelina: A Magical Story; namely, the more notorious aspects of that movie: Mia shrinks passing down at her mother asleeps; Mia running with his Sonic-esque speedy red shoes; Mia rides Noble with his dragonfly form.)

Astro Boy (vo): ...shrinking and pulled inside the world of the book, she being discovered through "the Unknown Country of Wonderland", and she befriends Noble with his form of the dragonfly...

(Poster of Toei's Thumbelina (1978) appears in the corner)

Astro Boy: (shaking head) No, no, no. This (Poster for the earlier Thumbelina: A Magical Story replaces the Toei's Thumbelina (1978) one) family classic, obviously!

(More footage of the newer Mia movie is shown)

Astro Boy (vo): Lionsgate decided to give us cinematic spin-off version of Thumbelina: A Magical Story, this time with the help of the estate of Enoki Films. I mean, next month, after they handled perfectly...

(Cut to footage of Heidi Becomes Princess)

Astro Boy (vo): ...the haunting nature of the darkest timeless Heidi Becomes Princess...

(A clip of the movie is shown, showing Greta)

Greta: After all I've done for her!

(As we cut back to Astro Boy briefly, an image of a Enoki Films with DEFUNCT word on it appears in the corner, accompanied by the sound of ding)

Astro Boy: (gesturing toward DEFUNCT word with thumb, tearfully) Oh, there it goes, rolling again!

(More footage of Mia follows)

Astro Boy (vo): They gave another try with this cinematic circumcision. I'm not sure why people insist on breaking what's not broken...

(Footage of the original Don Bluth's Thumbelina is shown)

Astro Boy (vo): ...as the original animated Don Bluth's Thumbelina is still the worst representation of the classic story. But I don't get why they don't...

(More footage of the newest Grinch follows)

Astro Boy (vo): ...try to understand what made the original a masterpiece before jumping wallet first into a pool of cliche-stained cash. Brought to us by the writers of... Ooh! (Posters of the following are superimposed...) Maleficent: Misstress of Evil and Mulan remake?!

Astro Boy: Throw in (Poster for the following appears in the corner...) Spirited Away, and we'll have the niche of HBO Max as they wanted!

Astro Boy (vo): The film brought in over 500 million worldwide against a 75 million, despite it getting...

(The movie's page on Rotten Tomatoes is superimposed, showing that it got a 39% on the Tomatometer and an audience score of 56%)

Astro Boy (vo): ...less-than-stellar reactions from critics and audiences. So I guess the question is, what got better and what got worse...

(Cut briefly to the 1992 anime version of Thumbelina: A Magical Story, showing the Grinch wiggling mistletoe over his butt)

Astro Boy (vo): ...since the last theatrical outing?

(Cut back to the newest Grinch)

Astro Boy (vo): And, is there anything better in it (A clip of the original Mia from Thumbelina: A Magical Story appears in the corner) than the origin– That's adorable you think that question is even worth finishing! So let's take a gander at how this animated green shit smells different than the live-action green shit.

Astro Boy: This is–

Chihiro: (interrupting) Oh, hey!

(He looks up, annoyed, to see Chihiro and Gandalf have returned, holding up a huge red bow and a pair of purple boots)

Chihiro: We found this red bow we thought you could put in the back to really complete the look!

Astro Boy: (softly but dangerously) I hate everything you right now.

Gandalf: It'll be like your present to open up.

Astro Boy: There isn't a name yet I have planned for you, but rest assured, you will be yelling in it.

Chihiro: Okay, well, let us know if you need any other spirit accessories.

Astro Boy: I won't!

Chihiro: (as she and Gandalf leave) You look great, wizard.

(Astro Boy sighs and then is about to begin the review when he suddenly looks down at himself)

Astro Boy: (calling out) Some leggings would be nice!

?????

(a clip of Noble swallowed by the fox from Thumbelina: A Magical Story.)

Astro Boy (vo): In the original version, Noble sacrificed by the fox to give them more time, and you know, I don't think there's enough of Mia crying. One more should complete me.

(back to the movie, Mia bows down sadly, sobbing)

Astro Boy: (as the infamous images of crying Aurora from Maleficent: Mistress of Evil and Hua Mulan from Mulan remake are shown, tearfully) Aurora and Hua Mulan cry less than you!

?????

(????? We then suddenly see a fan and reactor Eric Butts watching the review's ending, and getting emotional over it)

Eric Butts: Oh, my! (While mixing between crying and laughing, he takes out a hankie and blows his nose) It was so...so awful! What was that?

?????

THE END

(The credits roll)

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