Wooden Western

The story takes place back in the wild, wild west or the American Frontier, in the year of 1888 or -112 BH. Nate Harlow and his partner, the first patriarch of the Dixmor clan, Jacques Dixmor have found gold in a cavern in Bear Mountains called Fallen Creek, the former hideout of a Dutch bandit and his Indian gang. The two men buy a pair of matching, ornamented revolvers with gold carved into the hilts to celebrate their new found wealth and the revolvers are so powerful they can cut off limbs n' shit.

Meanwhile, Manny Wide, a simple wooden boy like Pinocchio, grew up in the Umpqua forest in Oregon surrounded by family and friends. One day, evil loggers came and killed all of his loved ones. Poor Mr. Wide found himself trapped as a target dummy in a gunsmith's store. However, when Nate arrived to the gunsmith's to reget the bullets for his Scorpion, he took a pity to littel Wide and asked the gunsmith to release him and Nate promised he'll take care of him as his own son. Hell, he'll serve as a brother to Red Chatan Harlow, Nathaniel's son. The gunstore owner barely noticed that Manny was in fact alive, sentient and had feelings (just like plants) and apologised for his bad treatment of the wooden doll. "Pardon me, but I didn't realise the thing was alive." Nate said it's aight and took Manny home. "It's ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALLLL-IVE!!!" Nate was happy.

Jacques Dixmor is captured shortly after when trying to cross the border bridge to Mexico from US by the Mexican army led by Espizona and Allende, and is condemned to be shot as a spy by Espi. "No, no, NO! I'm not a spy! I'm a businessman! I habe gold! LOTS OF GOLD!" Allende laughs and proclaims Dixmor a liar, but Jacques then complies that the Mexican soldiers should check his pockets for he has gold nuggets in 'em and is telling the truth after all. Allende is shocked, but visibly happy. "It's lots of gold! More gold than you've ever seen! A gold cave! And it's over in the territory in West Vagina. Spare my life and I'll give u half." He offers to give the Coronel, Agustin Allende, half of the gold in Bear Mountains if he spares his life. When Allende asks why shouldn't he take all of it, "I want all of it!" Jacques states that due to him only owning half the claim, his partner would have to be killed in order for Allende to receive the other half. The Colonel agrees and sends his right-hand, Espizona, to take care of Nate while Jacques will tell these news to the Mayor of Brimstone, Grimm Griffon, who is the third claim holder of the golden caverns.

Nate comes home from his trip, but his actual son is off living with his cuisine and the Red Wolves (the tribe his mother belonged to) and Nate reunites with his family, his wife Falling Star and Manny Wide the dummy, bearing gifts and news of their bright future ahead of them. The wooden man is impressed by his father's new Scorpion, and asks about the location of the second. Nathaniel then refuses to tell Manny about the other one, he instead hands Manny his old revolver to go practice with down by the river or creek while him and Star will head in for dinner. A few minutes later, outlaws attack the homestead and set the cabin alight. A furious gunfight ensues, with father and wooden, fake son holding their own against waves of enemies. It ends in vain however, as Nate and his wife are killed both with one shot to the stomach. As Manny mourns over his father, Espi appears and mocks Manny, calling his father a coward. "He's better off dead, gringo! He would serve well in the cowards' war, jajajaja!". In rage, Wide reaches out for his padre's weapon, which is engulfed in flames. He cries in anger as he fires a single round into Espizona, shooting off the Cap'n's left arm. "Arrrghaaaha... AHHH!" Manny manages to escape, hiding as Espizona and the remaining outlaws ride away, one of which was Smitty.

13 or 12 years later, Manny lives as a bounty hunter forcing local criminals to eat some justice "I serve justice! So eat it!". As he aimlessly wanders the desserts alongside his dog, he comes across Twin Rocks, a local hideout for a small-time gang of thieves and killers led by Bloody Tom and his bleedin' boys. Here, he meets a Curly Jew guy named Curly Shaw, a trader of weapons and goods, cowering under his wagon. He informs Manny that the bandits have stolen most of his supplies but he can still manage to sell Manny the following: Bowie knives, Whiskey bottle, Open sign, poncho and a burnt guncase. Two men then approach, throwing Curly to the ground. After threatening the salesmen, they challenge Manny into a gunfight. Wide easily dispatches them both before the rest of the gang shows and he kills them all, including the snipers on the cocks. Bloody Tom and the Whitneys then come out of their shacks and attack Manny. "I'm gonna make... mincemeat out of you." Manny kills 'em all, then heads to Widow's Palace to meet with Paul O'Grady, hoping to claim bounty on the men. As he reaches the town, he finds it to be rundown and taken over by the Ugly Gang which is led by "Ugly" Chris Bailey. Manny sees that he will have some streetcleaning to do and the first Uglies who go after him are "Twiggy" Phelps, Varmin Kang and that officer known as Chicken. "Die, boy! Die!" taunts Chicken but Manny kills him as well. Three snipers then appear on the roof of the General Store, Undertaker's and Delmonico's Diner but they are all shot as well by Wide. Wide then faces off against Hedgehog Thornton and his goons, before being challenged to a duel in front of the Saloon & Hotel by "Whiskey" Treadwell. Manny defeats Treadwell "Oouughh, you... bastard!" and is then confronted on the porch of the restaurant by Gigolo Hancock. "I'M LOOKIN' AT A DEAD MAN!" Yells Gigolo as he pulls out his twin revolvers to attack Manny, butt Manny defeats him as well. Finally, Ugly Chrissy comes out of the Sheriff's office and uses poor O'Grady as his steel shield. "His dotter won't like it if ya plug him! *Farts*" Chris says as he controls O'Grady but Manny uses his TNT to kill off Chris and injure O'Grady a littel. Seeing he'll get his reward once the Sheriff is healed, the two set for Brimstone in Mississippi where Sheriff Paul O'Grady will see a doc while Manny will get rewards from Sheriff Bartlett.

On the train ride to Brimstone, the Pedrosa Bros. rob it, and Manny has to duel with Roberto Pedrosa for the freedom of himself, O'Grady and everyone else on it, like Miss Peppergut. "AY MIS HUESOS DUELEN!" Yells Roberto as he is shot down by Manny. After protecting the rest of the train like the engineer from Smiley Fawler and "Hatch" Schultz, Manny and the cop arrive to Brimstone. Bartlett realizes that the town could use a bounty hunter of Manny's calibre and capabilities to take care of some local bandits that have been causing trouble throughout the territory and are way too tough for poor Bartlett to take on. Manny's first target is "Pig" Josh, a circus exploder, whom he has to kill at his Fairgrounds along with his bastard son while saving Jack Swift. Swift would later head to Widow's Palace and take on the rest of Prof. Perry's circus, including Perry himself. "Over the lips and pass the gums, look out Jack, here I come!" taunts Perry and Jacky has enough of him. The next target is Bad Bessie at her self-named canyon, whom Manny kills and then spanks before walking off with her back to Brimstone. As for his last target, which is quite the strange one, he has to face-off against the mayor of Black Town, Mr. Black, who is in fact a mass murderer and leads his own gang with Jesse Lynch serving as his right-hand. Manny kills all of Black's goons in Black Town before duelling Gordon "Digs" Fowler, Bandito and Jesse himself. "Your judgment day... has come!" says Jesse. "Orrghaa... ahrrhaa *coughs*" and Jesse is defeated. Finally, Manny has arrived at the semetery and takes on Mr. Nigel Black and the rest of his goony goons. "I'm afraid you'll have to die, bounty hunter!" says Black, but Manny uses some dynamite to knock him around the graveyard. "Now, now, this is all so unnecessary." but Manny blows Black up and takes his corpse back to Bartlett's.

There Bartlett sends him to the bank to get his bounty on Black, but Manny learns from Peabody, the bank manager, that the latest shipment of gold has not arrived yet. This was, unknown to anyone else, because Mayor Griffon held a grudge against Wide. Annoyed greatly, Manny threatens the manager into telling him where Ann' MacFarlane lives, who he had just overheard talking about some gold mined and Beer Mountains, the same place where N8 found the gold. Peabody points his finger towards Ann's ranch and farm and Quinn heads off there to have a little... chat with Annie. However, Red Harlow, who was standing behind the bank and heard everything Peabody told Manny, decided to head over to the ranch first to speak to Annie. He wants to learn more about Bear Mountain as well.

Annie was at the time fighting off Mayor's hired thugs, who were hired to drive her off her land so Griff can use the damn ranch as his slave plantation where he will force the good ppl of Brimstone to bust their asses off and serve him well. However, Griffon's thugs failed their mission as MacFarlane succeeds in killing them all, including the Longhorn brothers, sons of Bartrum Longhorn: Hal and Luke. Despite failing in killing her, Hal's gang did manage to succeed in burning down the barnhouse and the barn, making Griff at least partially happy. After all was said and done, Red sneaked up to Annie from behind and Annie recognised him a bit from zee bank. "Do I know you, fremder?" asked Miss MacTardland while Red simply tipped his hat, said "ma'am" and went str8 2 the chase: "Tell me somethin' about a gold cave in Bear Mountains." Annie replied: "I know nothing about a gold cave. NOTHING! NICHTEN! NIENTE! You might wanna take a trip down the saloon in Brimstone, it's full of drunks yappin' about it. But watch yourself, mista' - you want no business with folks of that town. That place can be evil as Hell." Red takes off the note that was nailed to the post of the ranch's gate and shows her to Annie. Annie sees that it is in fact a wanted poster of Holstein Hal, with a bounty of 500$. On the other side of the note is a flyer for the Battle Royal and the winner of it would receive 5000 pieces in gold. Annie decided she'll join the Royale.

Later that night, Harlow went to the saloon in Brimstone. There, he ordered a drink butt overheard a couple a drunks, specifically Dan, yapping about an "one-armed-man". Red heard of tales that Manny, his supposed wooden sibling, blew off a bandit leader's arm 12 or 14 years ago and intrigued, he asked the main drunk how the one-armed-man lost his arm. "How did he lose it's arm?" "Well, we ain't tellin' u niente, fremder! As far as I kno' we weren't even talkin' to u!" "TAKE A WALK!" Dan and his companions laugh while Red breaks his liquor bottle and holds it sharply to Danny's nek! Dan's henchmen, Gabriel and Driscoll, stand up and Driska tells Danny not to tell Red anything. Dapper Dan's brother and saloon's owner, Samuel, then shows up and Driska asks 4 his opinion. Sam agrees with him and says that Harlow better says 'buh-bye'. Just then Manny walks into the 'loon as well and Verne leaves, but a bar brawl breaks out and the McGrew brothers (Dan and Sam) flee into the Brimstone saloon's theatre while their minions plus the barkeep fight amongst each other. Manny takes care of those punks, but doesn't notice Red, who flees the saloon. Megan, a prostitute then shows him where Sammy and Danny r hiding. Manny goes to the theater where Dan challenges him to a duel. Manny manages to kill Dan, but then the curtains on the stage lift up, showing Christina and another showgirl dancing b4 pulling out their rifles and aiming it at Wide. Men on the balcony, including Bandito and Padre Driscoll, also show up with their guns and Sam as well. "Now the real show begins..." says Sam as he prepares to throw some barrels at the wooden hero. Manny kills the whores, plus most of Sam's men and wounds Sam. Sammy jumps down from the balcony to deal with Manny personally, butt Manny just throws a couple of bottles into his already-injured body and Sam finally dies on the stage.

Next we see Red Harlow locked up in a cell at the Sheriff's Office. Bartlett explains 2 him that he shouldn't stick his nose where it don't belong. Red demands to know more about the "One-armed-maned" but Bartlett asks him why he should tell him anything about 'im. Red replies that he killed his folk, including his papa and Bartlett is shocked to learn that that was N8's sun, Red speaking. "Tell me what u know about the death of my family!" demands Red. Sheriff replies and tells him that it all started 12 years ago during a battle between the Mexican and American armies at Rio Bravo.

We now see a flashback where Col. Allende is overseeing an ambush at Rio Bravo with his men against the Amerimutts. "We have these cabrones exactly where we want 'em!" yells Allende, but his right-hand, Espizona seems sceptical: "Coronel, you're not really planning on attacking the entire Yankee armi?" Allende is mad at Espi's silly question and just tells him to prepare the artillery.

TBA...