Jay and Silent Bob Into the Crossverse/Transcript

Transcript
Miramax

Dimension Films

Gramercy Pictures

SModcast Pictures

The Weinstein Company

View Askewniverse

Bert Bunny's residence

(Bert Bunny is watching TV and drinking a beer. There's a shadow lurking around the house, and then Bert Bunny thinks he hears someone and turns around to look out the window. He doesn't see anything, so he shrugs his shoulders and goes back to watching his show. Then, a hooded figure breaks in and attacks Bert Bunny.)

Six months later

(A bird is flying peacefully through the sky and hits on the sign saying "Welcome to Ficville". It fades to Jay and Silent Bob selling weed at the Kwik-E-Mart.)

Jay: You wanna get hiiigh? Come see your pals Jay and Silent Bob! Only $20 to party. *to Silent Bob* I gotta feeling this would be a good place, Silent Bob. We'll be raking in the dough.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Otto: *walks up* Hey, Otto needs to get blotto.

Jay: You've come to the right place. $20.

Otto: Sweet! *hands him $20*

Jay: *hands him a bag of weed*

Otto: Pleasure doing business, man.

Jay: See ya next time.

Otto: *leaves*

Jay: I can't believe Bert Bunny was murdered, man. That's messed up.

Silent Bob: *hangs his head and shakes*

Jay: We gotta find out who killed him. But first, we need money.

Police-Agency Headquarters

(Chief Malone is discussing the murders of innocent people.)

Chief Malone: One of the hardest parts of this job is seeing the murder of innocent people.

Chief Wiggum: Bert Bunny was a person? What? Was he wearing a costume?

Chief Malone: Toons are people too.

Chief Wiggum: Ah.

Chief Malone: I suspect Clint Crow is behind this.

Cops and Agents: *gasps*

Officer Earl: Yes, of course it's Crow!

Carter: That no good, raggedy son of a...

Farva: Let's go get that bastard!

Chief Malone: Everybody, settle down. We're gonna get him, but we're not going out there blind. We need... a plan, a strategy. We need... bounty hunters.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, who again?

Quick Stop

(Jay and Silent Bob are walking down the sidewalk and enter the Quick Stop.)

Dante: *notices Jay and Silent Bob* I'm not really not in the mood to deal with these two today.

Randal: Oh great, it's these two idiots.

Dante: What do you guys want?

Jay: We're here for some snacks. We got the munchies. *to Silent Bob* Okay, Lunchbox, get the things we need.

Silent Bob: *nods and goes off into an aisle*

Dante: You better not stealing anything.

Jay: How dare you accuse us of thievery. We'll take our business elsewhere. Come on, Silent Bob.

Jay and Silent Bob: *goes outside*

Silent Bob: *pulls out a stash of snacks out of his coat*

Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Jay: Jay and Silent Bob are at the Quick Stop today! We got what you want so come and get it.

Harold and Kumar: *walks towards Jay and Silent Bob*

Kumar: Hey dudes, long time no see.

Jay: Harold, Kumar! What up, dogs?

Silent Bob and Kumar: *does a fancy handshake*

Kumar: Yo! You got some, uh, sweet snacks.

Jay: Yeah, uh, Lunchbox here grabbed from the Quick Stop next. Trench coat discount.

Harold: Whatcha got?

Jay: Some chips, tasty cakes, pretzels, hot dogs, this tubby bitch got some nachos under there.

Silent Bob: *grins and nods*

Harold: Let's some of those tasty cakes and two hot dogs.

Jay: $7.

Harold: *hands Jay the money*

Silent Bob: *hands them the snacks*

Kumar: See ya guys around.

Jay: Catch ya later.

Clint Crow's mansion

(Inside the mansion, Clint Crow is watching Your Giant Horse until a Werebbid comes up to him.)

Werebbid: *in gibberish* The police suspect your involvement in Bert Bunny's death.

Clint Crow: And you're telling me this why? *smokes his cigar*

Werebbid: Mmhmm.

Clint Crow: They can suspect all they want. They need proof.

Werebbid: Huh?

Clint Crow: What are you, stupid? Get out of my face.

Werebbid: *leaves*

Clint Crow: *calls Heckle* See if you can find out what the Police-Agency knows.

Heckle: I'll get the bombs ready.

Clint Crow: I just need information. Why am I surrounded by idiots?

Heckle: If blew up a idiot, we'll be surrounded. *chuckles*

Clint Crow: Just go get me the information I need. *ends the call*

Police-Agency Headquarters

(The Police-Agency are talking about how terrifying the Soul Crusher is.)

Joe Swanson: That's not something you wanna mess with. The user turns into a demon.

Carter: Who uses that axe anyway?

Chief Malone: Metallicus.

Carter: Metalli-what? Metalli-who? Metalli-yo mama?

Kitty: It's Metallicus.

Carter: Whatever.

Chief Malone: Metallicus is a demon that wields the Soul Crusher. According to legend, a angel named Abalim who became enchanted with the powers of the Soul Crusher and, despite warnings, began to carry it. Overtime, the effects of the Soul Crusher became deeper and deeper until he lost himself completely and became the demon known as Metallicus.

Chief Wiggum: That was kinda scary, I wanna call Sarah.

Chief Malone: You'll do no such thing. This is classified information. *calls Vanessa* Vanessa, I need you to bring me someone who can help the evidence.

Park

(Jay and Silent Bob are playing hacky sack.)

Jay: Nothing like being outside on a nice day, getting some fresh air, kicking the sack around. Am I right, Silent Bob?

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jay: *kicks it at Rasputia*

Rasputia: *shouts in pain* Watch where you doing you... losers!

Jay: Who are you calling a loser, you fat whale?

Rasputia: *gasps* I'm not fat! How dare you call me a fat whale, I'm a big, beautiful woman and I will kick your scrawny ass! How you doin'?

Jay: You have to catch me first, and I'm guessing you can't run very fast or far.

Rasputia: I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M BEING DISRESPECTED THIS WAY! I need... I need to calm down before I do something I regret.

Jay: *nods at Silent Bob*

Silent Bob: *pulls out a super soaker and squirts chocolate sauce at Rasputia*

Rasputia: *screams in rage and charges at them*

Jay and Silent Bob: *steps to the side*

Rasputia: *falls to the fountain*

Jay: Snoogins.

(A carrier pigeon drops a letter in Silent Bob's hands.)

Silent Bob: *raises his eyebrows and then reads it*

"Jay and Silent Bob,

I need your help. Clint and his crew going to destroy Ficville.

~Sincerely, Vanessa"

Jay and Silent Bob: *looks at each other*

Jay: We'll need a ride.

Jay and Silent Bob: *grabs e-scooters and rides them*

Police Agency

(Jay and Silent Bob arrive to the station via e-scooters.)

Jay and Silent Bob: *goes inside*

Jay: Yo Vanessa, we came as soon as we got your pigeon!

Everyone: *looks at Jay and Silent Bob*

Jay: What are you looking at? Vanessa called, we came.

Jay and Silent Bob: *looking around cubicles*

Jay: Marco! Marco! Marco!

Vanessa: *comes out* Why didn't you just page me from the front desk?

Jay: Why couldn't you say "Polo"?

Vanessa: We've wasted enough time. Follow me.

Jay and Silent Bob: *follows Vanessa*

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *enters the conference room*

Vanessa: I need you guys to stop Clint Crow from obtaining the Soul Crusher and create more Mockbusters.

Jay: Really? Can't you guys do anything without us? Just kidding, of course you can't. If we help you out, what's in it for me and Silent Bob?

Vanessa: The city will make sure you're well compensated.

Jay: I'm already well compensated. *points to his crotch*

Vanessa: *rolls her eyes*

Chief Malone: I appreciate you for coming, but we really need you on this one.

Jay: What kind of payday are we talking?

Chief Malone: A hundred large.

Jay: Let me confirm with my business associate.

Jay and Silent Bob: *huddles and whispers*

Jay: Alright, we'll do it.

(Chief Malone and Vanessa fills them in.)

Jay: Demons? Seriously? Tell me you're joking.

Vanessa: I wish we were, but this is serious business.

Jay: This better a hundred-thousand each, if you want Silent Bob and I to be doing some demon shit, we're not splitting that money.

Chief Malone: That's what we meant, a hundred-thousand each.