Benson and The Thief/Transcript

(Lucy is attempting to trick Charlie Brown into trying to kick a football)

Lucy: Just kick the ball, you blockhead!

Charlie Brown: But every time I try, you just take the ball away.

Lucy: This time I won't! Come on, already!

Charlie Brown: (Thinking to himself) Maybe this time she means it. (He begins running)

(Officer Hector Bulldog jumps on Lucy and put a pair of handchuffs on her)

Lucy: AHHH! What the... HEY, YOU'RE NOT SEEING I'M A LITTLE GIRL!?

Hector: Lucille van Pelt, you're under arrest.

Lucy: WHAT!? Why, you motherf*cker!!!!????

Hector: Thanks to a police report given by every kid on your neighborhood.

Lucy: THESE DAMN TRAITORS!!! After all I've made for them!.

(Hector takes Lucy away to a paddy wagoon)

Hector: Yes; mental scarring, assault, bullying, practing psychiatry whithout a title, sexual stalking, noise contamination, animal abuse, etc, etc.

(After they leave, Charlie Brown kicks the football)

Charlie Brown: Yeah!

(Theme song)

(Theme song ends)

(The screen fades to Dunwoody and Company where we see Benson walking to his law firm.)

Benson: Good day. Sun is shining, birds are tweeting and the court is ready. (trying to put the key in the keyhole) Okay... all right... here we go... and opening... on one... next time... spatial relationships... okey doke... come to papa... male end, female end... (opens door).

(Dramatic music sting)

Benson: My office! Burgled, plundered, purloined!. Everyone get in here! (everyone is instantly in Benson's office) Who can tell me what's different about my office?

Tom: You hid the interns?

Benson: NO, YOU F*CKING IDIOT! Everything's gone! execpt for my table and chair.

Bugs: Benson, I have a question, why you're not hired a night guard?

Benson: Bugs, I not have money for hiring one.

Bugs: Oh, ok.

Benson: Hm, maybe that bastard bird Teary Eyed Bryte has them.

Tom: Who was Teary Eyed Bryte?

Daffy: That villanous three-eyed bird who is Collin's arch enemy.

Benson: Tom, it was a month when T. E Bryte was arrested after Collin saved you and Becky from her, and you're forgot it.

Tom: Sorry.

(At T.E Bryte's place, she is seen taking to phone)

T. E Bryte: Hello?

Benson (on the phone): Did you steal my f*cking interns?!

(She cuts)

(Back to the office)

Benson: Okay. That bird not answered me. I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand colour-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up security cameras.

Tom: Okay?

(At Bugs' office)

Becky: You think he is talking seriously, guys?

Daffy: Well, Benson said he will put security cameras.

Bugs: ...and he placed a security cam on the office.

Daffy: Why he puts one in your office?

Bugs: Benson finds you too less honest.

Daffy: Okay.

Stacie: I think he is trying to call the police.

Bugs: Um, idk, Stace if he is calling the police.

(Tom comes)

Tom: Hi, guys.

Stacie: Tom? What are you doing at an time like this?

Tom: I need to search my DVD.

Daffy: DVD?

Tom: Yes, I have a Scooby Doo: The Complete Series and Films DVD. I'm a Scooby Doo fan, except for "Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated", since it was too dramatic.

Daffy: THAT DVD? I have it. Take it. (he gives him the DVD)

Tom: Thanks you.

(At Wile E. Coyote's office, when he is seen sleeping; when his phone sounds, then Wile E. answers the phone.)

Wile E.: Hello?

(Split-screen view: Wile E. in the top left, Lucy on the prison phone in the bottom right.)

Lucy: Hello, you're Mr. Coyote?

Wile E.: Yeah. I am

Lucy: Well, my name is Lucy, and I need your help, Mr., I got arrested, I'm going put in trial, and I need a good lawyer. The pants-less devil who I have as a cellmate said me you're could help me.

Wile E: Not sure, gal. *laughs* JK, of course I'll help you. First, I'm seeing who the prosecution is, and Oh, no. The f*cking prosecutor is Voodoo.

Lucy: What happened?

Wile E.: The lawyer for the prosecution has it in for me.

Lucy: What lawyer?

Wile E.: VoodooFinger

Lucy: Who is that VoodooFinger?

Wile E.: An finger-like person from FingerTown. I think.

(Lucy hangs up the phone; Wile E.'s half of the screen expands to fill all of it)

Wile E.: Hello? She cutted me.

(Back to Benson's office at Dunwoody and Company; he sees a camera footage)

Benson: What the...? TOM!! Come on here!

(Tom comes)

Tom: Yes, sir.

Benson: Tom, you were played with the snack machine!?

Tom: I was trying to get an snack.

Benson: Okay. (he sees other footage) What the F*ck! DAFFY!!!

(Daffy comes)

Daffy: I heard you, what happened?

Benson: You used my toothbrush!!

Daffy: Well, I not have one of mine.

Benson: That motherf*cker.

Daffy (angry): Who are you calling an motherf*cker!?

Benson: You.

Daffy: Calm down! *he leaves*

Tom: Well, you're putted a camera on the women's bathroom I asked?

Benson: Yes, Tom. But this is not related to the thief.

Tom: ...

Benson: Well, I gonna see a few of this camera.

(Footage showing the Red Guy, dreesed as a woman, entering the bathroom)

Benson: What the F*CK!? I never thinked THAT was a woman!

Tom: No, he's only dressed himself as a woman for seesing female humans' vaginas. I know it because he is my next door neighbor.

Benson: Okay?

(In the courtroom)

Judge Him: What case we have today?

Sam Sheepdog: People vs. Lucy van Pelt, case of criminal defense.

(Wile E. and Voodoo come)

Voodoo: Well hello, you idiot! Having fun hurting yourself while trying to hunt a desert bird? I love your tuxedo.

Lucy: What the f*ck? He is actually a finger-like person. *she sees Snoopy as part of the jury* HEY, that stupid beagle is a jury member!!!???

Snoopy (thinking): Opps, she's looked me.

Tom: Calm down, Snoop.

Snoopy (thinking): Did that cat just hear my thought?

Tom: Well, Snoopy, we're animals. Obviously I hear to your thoughts.

Snoopy (thinking): Crud... So, what are our judge?

Tom: It's that devil-like wierdo.

Judge Him: Tom... I HEARD YOU!!

Tom: Sorry. I think we're can continue our talk after.

Snoopy (thinking): Okay.

Judge Him: Ahem... I'm not gonna say it because we said it in each case.

Wile E: *facepalms* JUST SAY IT ANYWAY!

Judge Him: Fine. Let's see, the defendant is charged with mental scarring: 30000 counts, assault: 2000 counts, bullying: 40 counts, practing psychiatry whithout a title: 1 count, sexual stalking: 600, noise contamination: 8 counts, animal abuse: 6000 counts. Too many charges.

Voodoo: Well, I have many witnesses aganist her, once when I have my turn.

Lucy: At least Linus' still on my side.

Voodoo: ...no he's not.

Lucy: What!?

(Everybody of the Peanuts gang comes, along with Lucy's other víctims, which they are Harold, Chester, Romeo, Juliet, Fruty, Eli, Cod Comando, Finn, Jake, Bonnie, Ivana, Noreen, Sven, Dudley, Grim, Sheep, Jailbot, Jackknifle (beaten up and taken at his deck by Jailbot), Speedy Gonzales, Plucky Duck, the Warners, Gogo Dodo, Merlin the Magic Mouse, Petunia Pig, Chowder, Ice King, and Captain K'nuckles)

Ice King: I foggot why I'm here. *he sees Lucy* YOU!!! The motherf*cking girl who called me crazy!!!!!

Finn: Calm down, Jake and me payed your bail for that.

Ice King: For killing her?

Jake: No! For testify against her on her trial.

Ice King: Okay.

Lucy: I'm totally f*cked up.

(Back to Dunwoody and Company)

Benson: *gasps* Becky's relaxing?! But wait, you know what? Since Bugs is not the lawyer in this episode, then she does deserve to relax. (Footage shows the Amoeba Boys entering his office) What the... *he sees the Amoeba Boys entering his office* Hey, who are you, motherf*ckers!?

Bossman: Well, my name's Bossman, they are my brothers, Slim and Junior. We're the Amoeba Boys.

Benson: What the F*UCK is that.

Bossman: We're criminals. The best mobsters in the city.

(Cut to a close-up of a "Keep Off the Grass" sign.)

Bossman (voiceover): But we got a problem, though.

(Pull back as the Amoeba Boys leap into view next to the sign, trying to look mean.)

Bossman (voiceover): No matter what unthinkable crime we commit...

(Now we see the Warners in the park, being chased by Ralph the Guard and Dr. Scratchansniff, both of them using butterfly nets to try to catch them, but unsuccessful, with the Amoeba Boys in the background, still next to the sign.)

Bossman (voiceover): ...it's never good enough for those stinkin' people in that f*cking city!

(Cuts to Benson interrumping Bossman's story)

Benson: Wait, wait, serious?

Bossman: Oh, sure, we try to be tough. We try to be "hardened criminals." (He makes air quotation marks to punctuate this last.) But us nobody pays attention, not to mention this a f*cking month ago thing.

(Flashback; it cuts to the park again. Blossom facing the Amoeba Boys, not particularly scared by them.)

Blossom: Bad guys, schmad guys.

(They turn around angrily and find Bubbles and Buttercup behind them.)

Bubbles, Buttercup: You're cute!

(Flashback ends)

Bossman: So we decided to steal something, and think of stealing everything was in this office.

Benson: HEY, YOU WERE ROBBERED MY OFFICE!?

Slim: Wow, this guess it well.

Junior: He must be very smart.

Bossman: You know, guys, I noticed of more sentence if we kidnaps him.

Benson: What the f*ck you are talking about?!

Bossman: WE ARE GOING TO KIDNAP YOU, AND WE'LL TAKE YOU TO OUR HOUSE!

Benson (suprised): What!?

(The Amoeba Boys put Benson in a sack, and out of the office with it; then Bossman puts an rescue note on the table, and he leaves)

(Back to the courtroom, where the trial continues, on Voodoo's turn, he now called Charlie Brown at the stand)

Voodoo: Well, Mr. Brown...

Charlie Brown: Please, Mr. Finger, you can call me Charlie Brown.

Voodoo: Okay, well, tell us the number of times the defendant pulled you that horrible Football prank.

Charlie Brown: 20001 times.

Lucy: You damn blockhead, if I get out of this I swear I'm going to kill you!

Judge Him: Order, order...(demonic voice) ORDER IN THE COURT! Miss. Van Pelt, silence please.

Lucy: *to herself* Whore..

Voodoo: Now, the prosecuton calls to Linus van Pelt, who is that inmature boy with the blanket who is is the defendant's brother, at the stand.

(Linus is called at the stand)

Voodoo: Well, Mr. Van Pelt, your sister is cruel with you?

Linus: Yes, she is. Not to mention that she buried my blanket a year ago.

Lucy: THAT F*CKING BLANKET, YOU'RE A F*CKING TRAITOR!!!!

Judge Him: (demonic voice) SHUT UP!

(Schroeder is called to the stand)

Voodoo: Well, Mr. ehh,ehh, sorry, what's your surname?

Schroeder: I'm not know.

Voodoo: Well, the defendant was sexually stalking you for some years?

Schroeder: Yes, and once she stoled my piano and torrows it to a living tree.

Lucy: SCHROEDER, PLEASE, WHY YOU HELP THEM!?

Judge Him: (demonic voice) SILENCE! He hates you.

(Sally Brown is called to the stand)

Voodoo: Well, Miss Brown, the defendant haved a good friendship with you?

Sally Brown: Well,  I used to like her... But then after I heard all of these talks from Schroeder, Linus, as well as Charlie... I realized Lucy's just a bitch.

Lucy: YOU TOO!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, I HATE EVERYBODY!!!

Judge Him: Lucy van Pelt, to the view of all your crimes, this court finds you... (demonic voice) GUILTY, and you're sentenced to life sentence in prison.

Lucy (angrily): Why a restraining order if I'm gonna be locked up anyway?! I'll appeal this sentence, with the precedent of the judge's incompetence!!

Judge Him: Anyways, a bitch like you must having both life sentence and a restraining order for if you're try to escaping for killing them. Banniff, take this cranky girl away.

Lucy: I HATE YOU ALL!!! *handchuffed and taken by Sam Sheepdog*

(Back to Dunwoody and Company; Bugs, Daffy, Tom, Becky, and Stacie go to talk with Benson about the theif)

(When they approched, Benson was missing. Then they find the rescue note the Ameoba Boys left)

Bugs: (reading the note) We abducted Benson, if you want him alive, come to Bad Leg Street 260. Signed: The Amoeba Boys.

Tom: I think that could be easy, only we must go to this location.

Bugs: Yes, but also we need police help *he calls Officer Hector*

(At the Amoeba Boys' hideout)

(They are seen celebrating a party for themselves; with Benson, bound, gagged, and suspended from a coat hook, rages from behind his gag, but his words are unintelligible)

Benson: Hrrgrh! Rgh! Rrrghhlllghg! Mmmmnnnggghllgh! (probably) YOU MOTHERF*CKERS! When I get out of here I'll kill you! (Bossman gets some gumballs out of Benson and eats them)

(Knock, knock)

(Slim opens the door, only to seesing Officer Hector and Bugs)

Slim: Hey, guys, a cop.

Junior: Well, this was a good idea.

Bossman: Good morning, officer.

Hector: Shut up! You're under arrest for kidnapping.

Bossman: Seriously?, which means, uh... (Cut to Officer Hector)

Hector: You're going to jail.

Amoeba Boys: (leaping into the air) Yahoo!

(Officer Hector takes the three criminals away)

(Back at Dunwoody and Company)

Daffy: Wow, your office becomed its old form.

Benson: Yes.

Bugs: Well, Benson, you thinked how to remove the cameras after catching the bulgars.

Benson: Well, Tom shooted them, literally.

Tom: Yes.

(Everybody laugh at said awenser)

(End Credits)

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