Kiki's Delivery Service (The Private Reviewer)

The Private Reviewer: Hello, I'm the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't. It’s about witchcraft, which is like...

(footages of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Disney's Hocus Pocus is shown.)

PR (vo): But it would be a fun little idea to rank the eight from my least favorite to my most favorite is Harry Potter, and the three is Fantastic Beasts and, simply, Hocus Pocus.

PR: But it's not enough what Studio Ghibli made a better one is...

PR (vo): Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle. In my opinion it was one of the best Miyazaki films ever. It had great atmosphere, creative characters, a complex stories and some real legitimate drama.

PR: This is a story about a girl who become a witch who likes to fly into an adulthood as hell—OK, OK. This isn’t what you think. It has Detective Conan in it—OK, just roll it.

(The title screen for Kiki's Delivery Service is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie.)

PR (vo): So when I heard there was Kiki's Delivery Service, I got excited as hell. It's all about plain and simple. It may seem like harmless fun but it’s part of the indoctrination of our kids into the world of the dark side so to speak. The occult is very popular right now and this is another film steeped in the occult. Despite the film is the best, I didn't like the original one and I couldn't wait to see... (a poster of an upcoming Kiki's prequel is shown) a decent hand-drawn animated prequel in France and Japan, Kiki: The Little Witch produced at Ankama, along with Studio Ghibli and Wild Bunch, also with attached a screenwriter of an award-winning Spirited Away, Hayao Miyazaki, who he created a final film. (a poster of How Do You Live? is shown) So this story was nothing new at the time, yet it still turned out to be a big hit. Why?

PR: Well, have I got some words to say about...

Batman (v/o, interrupting): Snap out of it, fool.

PR (looking up): Where are you?

(Cut to the Batman in a different location.)

Batman: Here.

(Cut to PR.)

PR: Huh? What do YOU supposed to be?

(Cut to Batman.)

Batman: I'm Batman! You can't make fun of Miyazaki; I was gonna make fun of that!

(Cut to PR.)

PR: Hey, too bad, Batman; (pointing at himself) I got bat-cubes!

(Cut to Batman.)

Batman: (scoffs) You don't have the bat-brainpower to understand the highest form level this movie amounts to.

(Cut to PR.)

PR: Why? I put up with it from YOUR end every couple of weeks.

(Cut to Batman.)

Batman (with a steely look on her face): Say that again...

(Cut to PR.)

PR: Oh, you mean what I just said about you constantly spewing thing every time you speak? Certainly. (clears his throat) Uh, "I" - that's me (points to himself), the person right in front of you - uh, put "up" (points upward) - that's a direction - with "it"...

(Cut to Batman getting angry.)

PR (v/o): ...that being your bat crappy thing (almost chuckles)...

(Cut to PR.)

PR: ..."from YOUR end" - I, uh... (chuckles) not even gonna go there - "every couple of weeks" - that is a period of time. Is that slow enough for you?

(Cut to Batman.)

Batman: Well, why don't you come over here and say that Two Face-to-Two Face to me, big shot?

(Cut to PR.)

PR: I got a better idea! Why don't YOU come up HERE and make ME say it to YOUR face? Go ahead, try it! You don't have...

''(Batman enters the room from screen-right screaming, grabs the Critic's head, and slams it into the table three times. A fight ensues as Danny Elfman plays his animated Batman theme over it. PR elbows her in the stomach and punches her in the face. Batman shoves him back in his chair and leaps on top of him. He grabs her onto the table and punches her face three times before he knees him in the face. He gives her a noogie ("Bat-noogie bat-noogie bat-noogie!!!"). He pokes out her eyes. He points this out and laughs before he punches him in the groin and then his face. They trade some jabs. He grabs her fist and makes her punch herself in the forehead and he cries while he says, "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" A few more quick alternating jabs, including one where he comically follows her fingers before he's punched. There are then a few seconds of them in a pillow fight with them giggling and Batman holding a teddy bear in her arm; the music changes to a bright, tropical-style rhythm. Back to animated Batman theme music as they trade punches. The two choke each other, hands around each other's neck.)''

PR (in strained voice): Wait a minute, wait a minute... (animated Batman theme song fades out) we're losing focus of the friend-enemy here.

(Batman lets go of PR, still looking at him)

Batman: You're right. (he lets go of her) This isn't about us; this is about (turns to the camera) a worst cliché movie.

PR: A complicated movie that deserves to be ripped a new one.

Batman (turns back to PR): What do you say? Truce? (extends out her right hand)

PR: (he shakes it) Truce.

(PR then slams her head into the table; he yells and falls to the ground.)

PR: So, the film begins as the upcoming prequel ends: with a footage.

Batman (from the floor): Joker.

PR: Not her.

(Cut to movie clips describing what's said below.)

?????

PR (vo): This movie is so bad. It's so bad because it's good, it's good because it's weak big budget yen (¥800 million), and it's confusing because it's good. Even the moral makes no sense, so how am I supposed to trust the rest of it?

PR: I didn't watched this, and I'm glad I didn't. We had GOOD shows in our day.

Batman: Or, not to mention, the greatest factual wrong of the movie, which is to infer that the major cause of depression is the EGG-STEALING INDUSTRY! (as PR gives her a blank look as he glances at him) It's not. It's, it's a hellish, clearing, big scary difference than GOTHAM. WE NEED A CRIME; and, you know, they clear 'em out for your BAT-WITCH repellent spray! (he still gives her a blank look for a few seconds)

PR: See, even to environmental bat-nuts, this movie makes no sense!

Batman: (looking angry, in a steely voice) Say that again...

PR: (in slow, mocking tone) Even to-

(Batman uses hands to hit PR with slam him down like the hammer, impacting to the black screen; cut to PR finds himself back in his room, waking up like it was a dream. He looks up and Mickey Mouse comes over.)

Mickey Mouse: Hey.

PR: Hey, Mickey. What are you doing?

Mickey Mouse: Getting snacks for the checker game. (Holds up package of milk chocolate)

PR: Checker game? I never knew you did a checker game here!

Mickey Mouse: Told you every night for the past five years. You just never listened. I'm a famous Disney mascot. Bye.

(PR is then left alone. Upstairs, Mickey Mouse playing checker with Bugs Bunny, [Winnie the] Pooh & Piglet, Tom and Jerry and Jiminy Cricket)

Bugs Bunny: So, Jiminy Cricket, you're the Peppy Grasshopper as well?

Jiminy: Well, being the conscience be your guide; and it's easy job. I do that whole "Pinocchio" thing around the timeless masterpieces just to pad the wallet. I got three pigs and a big bad wolf, I gotta defend the wolf for all of them. It's a dream come true.

Mickey Mouse: Steamboat Willie is not my name. This is Steamboat Mickey!

Jiminy: This is a truly public domain sucking Ghiblies out.

Piglet: Well, I think I'm gonna win tonight because I've been studying both your checking faces.

Jiminy: ...Good luck with that, son.

(PR comes in)

PR: Um...

(Everyone looks up to see him)

Pooh: Is there a problem?

PR: No, no, I, uh, just...thought I'd join you this evening.

Tom: Oh, sure! Pull up a chair!

(PR sits down)

Jiminy Cricket: (hands PR the deck) Care to deal?

PR: Oh, thank you. You know, uh, I was actually quite the players in my youth. (PR realizes he has friends here today) I should've done this a long time ago.

Piglet: You were always welcome.

PR: Well, five checkmates stud. Nothing wild, and the sky's the limit. (Begins dealing out the checkers)

Jerry: You know we already have checkers.

PR: Don't ruin the moment.

(And we end with a zoom out of the house before going to credits)

Tagline – Jiji: They're calling you an egg-stealer!

(the credits roll)