Episode 103: Neil Patrick Harris transcript

Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room
Scooter: [Knocking On Door 5 Times] "(Guest Star's name), oh, (Guest Star's name), 16 2nds 'til curtain, Mr.(Guest Star's last name)."

Guest Star: "Oh thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be honored to do the show with you guys this evening."

Scooter: "Oh that's good, did you notice that there's a great big rain storm outside?"

Guest Star: "Oh yes, of course I did, and it's best to stay indoors 'til it all clears up."

Scooter: "Oh yeah, I agree with you, (Guest Star's 1st name)."

Cut to Kermit appearing through The Super Muppet Telethon logo.

Kermit: "It's The Super Muppet Telethon, with our very special guest star, Mr. Neil Patrick Harris, yaaaaaay!"

[The Super Muppet Telethon Theme Music In Background]

[Rowlf Playing Music On Piano]

Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight

Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight

Waldorf: why do we always come here?

Statler: I guess we'll never know

Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture

Statler: to have to watch the show

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: and now let's get things started

Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started

Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Super Muppet Telethon.....

[Sound Of Bicycle Horn Honking]

Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction
Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome to The Super Muppet Telethon, where we all do the things we haven't done in a very long time, I know you're all excited 'cause tonight's very special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's name), and he's been in real good movies such as our 2011 Disney movie, American Reunion and all of them, but 1st, we'll do an opening musical number."

Clifford: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, there's a great big rain storm outside, so we all must stay indoors 'til it all clears up."

Kermit: "Oh thanks for telling me that, Clifford."

Kermit: "So anyway, here's Fozzie and Gonzo to sing Home on the Range."

Opening Musical Number: Home on the Range
[Slow Country Western Music Playing in background]

Fozzie: Oh give me a home

where the buffalo roam

Gonzo: and the deer 

and the antelope play

Fozzie: where seldom

is heard

Gonzo: a discouraging word

Fozzie: and the skies are not cloudy

all day

Gonzo: home, home

on the range

Fozzie: where the deer

and the antelope play

Gonzo: where seldom

is heard

Fozzie: a discouraging word

Gonzo: and the skies are not cloudy

all day......

[Music Fades Away]

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.

Waldorf: "So, Statler, did you ever have a home on the range before?"

Statler: "Well, I've always had a country horse wagon myself."

Waldorf: "Well you're going country!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably]

Muppet News Flash: A flying giant Frisbee
Newsman: (off screen) "Here's a Muppet News Flash."

The Newsman sits right at his desk.

Newsman: "This just in, there were lots of reports about a flying giant Frisbee coming towards your home town, we must take cover from those giant flying discs, we sure don't wanna get hit by 1 of them."

Suddenly, a flying giant Frisbee comes flying right towards the Newsman, but the Newsman ducks his head down at his desk and the flying giant Frisbee flies away.

Newsman: "Good thing I didn't see that 1 coming."

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.....

Kermit: "Let's see what's next on the list (he looks right at the list) oh, Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody."

Muppet Labs sketch number: Electronic Pogo-Stick
[Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background]

[Clock Ticking]

Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today."

(Brief Pause)

Bunsen: "Well, did you ever have a pogo-stick that never had electronic lights and sounds? well, today, we're testing out our newest invention: the electronic pogo stick, which can really put a jump in your step."

(Another brief pause)

Bunsen: "It'll be able to help you jump right up into mid-air, and get to those hard to reach places, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, would like to demonstrate, (looking directly at Beaker) go ahead, Beaker, give it a go."

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee."

Beaker gets right on the Electronic Pogo-Stick.

Bunsen: "Watch and see what happens when Beaker jumps up and down on that pogo-stick."

Beaker begins jumping up and down on the Electronic Pogo-Stick.

Bunsen: "And there you have it."

Beaker continues jumping up and down on the Electronic Pogo-Stick, but it makes him go up too high and crash right through the roof.

Beaker: [Shrieks And Meeps In Alarm]

[Loud Crash!]

Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you okay up there?"

Beaker: [Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm]

Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.........

Statler: "You know, Waldorf, I once had a pogo-stick my entire life in my younger years."

Waldorf: "Why did you want that pogo-stick in the 1st place?"

Statler: "So I could reach the highest places I've never been to in my entire life."

Waldorf: "Good point!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Robin, Rizzo, Bean, Mildred Huxtetter, Scooter and Skeeter speaking to the Guest Starbackstage.

Kermit: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st name), we'd like to thank you for all of those wonderful movies you've done in your entire life."

Guest Star: "Why thanks a bunch, you guys, I really appreciate what you said about me."

Miss Piggy: "Well, we couldn't have done it without everybody here."

Fozzie: "At least we've got the good songs and laughter going all around."

Gonzo: "Good thing I still have all of my super thrilling stunts with me."

Rowlf: "We can never be apart."

Robin: "And we'll always stay together as always."

Rizzo: "Lucky fo' me, I still have all of my exercise wo'k-out moves."

Bean: "Good thinking, Rizzo."

Mildred Huxtetter: "We're lucky to have this show and never be cancelled again."

Scooter: "Still, everything's looking good so far."

Skeeter: "All of the songs and sketch numbers are going good since last time."

Guest Star: "Well, you guys are lucky you didn't catch any head colds from being outside in the rain storm."

The Swedish Chef sketch number: Strawberry Cupcakes
Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue,

orn desh, dee born desh,

de umn 

bork, bork, bork

Swedish Chef: Tuneeght, ve-a veell meke-a strevberry coopcekes."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, get oooot a beeg meexing bool und a leettle-a meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef gets out a big mixing bowl and a little mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Okey, poot in oone-a tu oone-a und a helff coops ooff ell-poorpuse-a fluoor."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1 and a half cups of all-purpose flour right into the big mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in oone-a fuoort teespuun ooff selt."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1/4 teaspoon of salt right into the big mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Poot in 1 teespuun ooff bekeeng pooder."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1 teaspoon of baking powder in the big mixing bowl as well too.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in tee teblespuuns ooff bootter, sufftened tu ruum temperetoore-a."

The Swedish Chef puts in 10 tablespoons of softened butter in the big mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone-a fuoort coop ooff culd meelk."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1/4 cup of cold milk in the big mixing bowl as well too.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in oone-a teespuun ooff funeella."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1 teaspoon of vanilla in the big mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Poot in tvu lerge-a iggs."

The Swedish Chef puts in 2 large eggs in the big mixing bowl as well too.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in a tvu thurd coop tu 1 coop ooff fresh veshed strevberreees."

The Swedish Chef puts in a 2/3 cup to 1 cup of fresh washed strawberries in the big mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Lest boot nut leest, oone-a coop ooff sooger."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1 cup of sugar in the big mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex up zee ingredeeents."

The Swedish Chef mixes up the ingredients, 'til it makes a complete strawberry cupcake batter.

Swedish Chef: "Noo it's teeme-a tu meke-a zee strevberry coopceke-a frusteeng."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, poot in oone-a helff coop ooff bootter, sufftened."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1/2 cup of butter, softened, right into the little mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in three-a und a helff coops ooff poodered sooger."

The Swedish Chef puts in 3 and 1/2 cups of powdered sugar in the little mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone-a teespuun ooff funeella egeeen."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1 teaspoon of vanilla in the little mixing bowl as well too.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in tvu tu three-a teespuuns ooff culd meelk."

The Swedish Chef puts in 2-3 teaspoons of cold milk in the little mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Lest boot nut leest, oone-a helff coop ooff chupped fresh strevberreees."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1/2 cup of chopped fresh strawberries in the little mixing bowl as well too.

Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex up zee ingredeeents egeeen."

The Swedish Chef mixes up the ingredients, 'til it's completely strawberry cupcake frosting.

The oven temperature reaches at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

The Swedish Chef puts some cupcake wrappers in the muffin tin, then puts some of the strawberry cupcake batter into every single 1 of them.

Swedish Chef: "Okey, it's teeme-a tu poot zeem in zee oofee fur tventy tvu meenootes."

The Swedish Chef puts the strawberry cupcakes in the oven, and sets the timer on the microwave for 22 minutes.

[Microwave Beeping]

The Swedish Chef takes the now done strawberry cupcakes out and puts them right on the cooling rack to cool down so that he can put the strawberry cupcake frosting on them.

Swedish Chef: "I vunder iff zeey're-a cuul inuoogh."

The Swedish Chef checks the strawberry cupcakes, and they're now cool enough, so he puts strawberry cupcake frosting on every single 1 of them.

Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, strevberry coopcekes."

The strawberry cupcakes begin coming to life and chatting and laughing.

Strawberry Cupcake # 1: "Hey, I smell just like strawberry cheese cake."

Strawberry Cupcake # 2: "So do I."

Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?"

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.....

Waldorf: "Well, he sure is good with those mixing bowls."

Statler: It looked kind of like cupcake batter in there.

Waldorf: "'Til he begins to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner in them!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage......

Kermit: "Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next, Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama is next onstage, everybody."

Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama sketch number: Fozzie and Animal as the guests
Johnny: "Good evening, everybody, I'm Johnny Fiama, and this is my monkey sidekick and partner, Sal Minella."

Sal: "Nice to meet you, everybody."

Johnny: "Now tonight, we have 2 very special guests for the interview: Fozzie Bear and Animal."

Fozzie: "Hiyah, hiyah, hiyah."

Animal: "Hello!"

Johnny: "So, Fozzie, what are the hobbies you like to do?"

Fozzie: "Well, I like reading real good joke books, they are so hilarious, wocka, wocka."

Johnny: "Good, very good, and how 'bout you, Animal?"

Animal: "Drums, food and music."

Johnny: "Nice, very nice, well, that's all the time I have for tonight, so join us next time on Mid-Day with Johnny Fiama, that's me."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......

Waldorf: "Well, that sure is a fine looking talk-show out there."

Statler: "I know, everything looks real fancy."

Waldorf: "Then that makes you the lucky 1."

Statler: "As if!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........

Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody."

Pigs in Space sketch number: giant meteor
Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy, and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek."

Link Hogthrob: "Well, my Swine Trek crew, it looks like another day ahead of us."

1st Mate Piggy/Miss PIggy: "And it's gonna be another day of 1 of Dr. Strangepork's inventions."

Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, check out my new invention: it's the official Meteor Blaster 300, when I pull the rope, it destroys every single meteor."

1st Mate Piggy/Miss PIggy: "How fascinating."

Link Hogthrob: "In fact, here comes a giant meteor right now."

1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What the-"

Dr. Strangepork: "Take cover, everybody, the giant meteor is coming right towards all of us, good thing I got my invention with me!"

Dr. Strangepork pulls the rope on the Meteor Blaster 300 and destroys the giant meteor.

Dr. Strangepork: "Well, it worked, no more giant meteor."

1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "I'll say to that 1."

Link Hogthrob: "What a relief."

Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob ever  realize what's going on? has Dr. Strangepork ever come up with another invention idea? does 1st Mate Piggy agree with what she sees with her own mind? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......

Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I've seen lots of meteor showers myself."

Statler: "Well, I've seen lots of constellations as well."

Waldorf: "Then you must be seeing lots of things from outer space!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......

Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody."

Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Rizzo as the patient
Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who's gone to the dogs."

Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "And so I went down town to the park in the zoo to visit the alligator exhibit, and the alligator began clownin' around, he was laughin' his head off."

Nurse Janice/Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your alligator jokes."

Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, who's our patient this time?"

Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Well, Nurse Piggy, observe and watch."

Dr. Bob/Rowlf pulls back the corners of the green quilt to reveal Rizzo as their patient.

Nurse Janice/Janice: "Oh wow, like, this patient is a talking rat."

Rizzo: "You'e da'n right I'm a talkin' rat, a rat who's in sick conditions."

Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Well, Rizzo, what you need to do is take plenty of liquids and get some beauty sleep."

Announcer: "Does Nurse Janice know where to begin the operation? will Dr. Bob ever pay attention to his medical degree? does Nurse Piggy ever appear on a magazine cover? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Janice say-"

Nurse Janice/Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, what's your deal with this patient?"

Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Well, Nurse Janice, I say he's looking a bit off the edge."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the Balcony again......

Statler: "Well, you know, I once went to a medical dr.'s office for my strep throat conditions."

Waldorf: "What did the dr. call it?"

Statler: "A little bit hoarse!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit onstage.......

Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a closing musical number with the Electric Mayhem band."

Closing Musical Number: She Loves You
[Music Playing In Background]

Electric Mayhem band members: She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah'

she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Dr. Teeth: 'You think you've lost your love? well I saw her yesterday'

Floyd: it's you she's thinkin' of, and she told me what to say

Janice: she says she loves you, and you know that can't be bad

Zoot: yes, she loves you, and you know you should be glad

Dr. Teeth: she said you hurt her so

she almost lost her mind

Janice: but now she says she knows

you're not the hurting kind

Floyd: she says she loves you,

and you know that can't be bad

Zoot: yes, she loves you

and you know you should be glad, oh

Electric Mayhem band members: she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

with a love like that

you know you should be glad

Janice: you know it's up to you

I think it's only fair

Dr. Teeth: pride can hurt you too apologize to her

Floyd: because she loves you

and you know that can't be bad

Zoot: she loves you

and you know you should be glad, oh

Electric Mayhem band members: she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

with a love like that

you know you should be glad

with a love like that'

you know you should be glad

with a love like that

you know you should, be glad

yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah'...

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again.....

Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once heard real good music like this in my entire life."

Statler: "What got you thinking about it?"

Waldorf: "Music to my ears!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Once Again]

Scene 2: Back onstage/the curtain call
Kermit: "Okay, thank you, everybody, we've had a wonderful show tonight, but right before we go, let's give a warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaay!"

The Guest Star arrives onstage......

Guest Star: "Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, guys, I wanna thank all of you for having me on the show this evening."

Fozzie: "Hey, no problem."

Gonzo: "We're always here to help 1 another out."

Scooter: "Hey, good news, everybody, the rainstorm has just cleared up so it's safe and secure to go back home right now."

Skeeter: "Oh that's good, Scooter."

Kermit: "We'll see you next time on The Super Muppet Telethon."

Voice Performers Credits

 * Steve Whitmire


 * Eric Jacobson


 * Dave Goelz


 * Bill Barretta


 * Matt Vogel


 * David Rudman


 * Louise Gold


 * Stephanie D’Abruzzo


 * Alice Dinnean Vernon


 * Tyler Bunch


 * Ryan Dillon


 * Peter Linz


 * Brian Henson