What if Walter Lantz Productions remains open?/Universal Animation Studios/The Cat in the Hat/Transcript

Opening/Scene 1
(The film starts with an opening credit which the film companies' logos like "DreamWorks Pictures", "Universal Pictures", and "Imagine Entertainment" are appeared as they're customized in Dr. Seuss-formed drawings, and the writings says "DreamWorks Pictures and Universal Pictures presents", "An Imagine Entertainment film", and "With association with Dr. Seuss Enterprises", the title "The Cat in the Hat", and the list of various people who worked on this film, as the Dr. Seuss-formed drawings are changed into DreamWorks' Disney-like traditional hand-drawn artstyle and the narrator is heard)

Narrator: There are a gajillions of stories of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's just start with one. About a little girl and a house and a hat, that, oddly enough, was worn by a cat. But soon enough we will get to all that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, A city is nestled, that city is Anville.

(We cut to the city of Anville as the list continues on-screen)

Alan: Hurry up! We'll miss the movie.

Jim McFinnigan: Any more tutti-frutti?

Alan: I'll check.

Jim McFinnigan: Thanks!

Narrator: It's a town that's not huge, but quite big enough. For buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff, from shoes and shirts and elongated ladders. To sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders.

(Horn honks)

Narrator: So our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob. In the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.

(We cut inside Humberfloob Real Estate as the list still continues on-screen)

Joan Walden: (on phone) Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true? (garbled speaks on phone) What do you mean, you're leaving? (garbled speaks on phone) You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave. They sit. Baby-leavers leave.

Voiceover person: I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Miss Walden.

Joan Walden: Well, I need to come home right away. All right. Thank you, Amy. Sorry (sighs)

Mr. Humberfloob: Attention everyone! It's 9:02. Staff meeting! Staff meeting! (Some of the workers rushes back to their spots after washing their hands) Look alive, everyone! First I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFinnigan!

Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...

(His filthy hand holds Mr. Humberfloob's hand, about to shake it, much to him and his rest of the staff gasps in shock)

Mr. Humberfloob: (about to outburst in anger) Fired.

Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?

Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.

Jim McFinnigan: (worried) B-But I...

Mr. Humberfloob: (fuming and screams) 'FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRED-DUH! '(The fearful Jim runs away and Mr. Humberfloob then uses his pocket soap to wash off Jim's filth from his hand until it's clean; feeling calm) As you know, tonight is our bimonthly "meet and greet" party. Tonight's host is Joan Walden.

(Staff applauding to Joan)

Mr. Humberfloob: This is where people can meet our real estate agents in an informal, yet hygienic setting.

Joan Walden: Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my daughter, Sally.

Mr. Humberfloob: Ah, yes. (looks at an frame photograph of Joan's only daughter, Sally) Your only little daughter. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time.... (bellows) YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE-DUH!

Joan Walden: That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob.

Mr. Humberfloob: (smiles) Don't worry. I promise.

Joan Walden: My kid'll be on her best behavior.

Mr. Humberfloob: Great.

(Phone rings)

Joan Walden: Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.

Scene 2
(We zooms out from Humberfloob Real Estate to the subria here we zooms towards a house as the voice over narrator continues)

Narrator: If you leave Humberfloob's and turn left onto Main, three miles down you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborly "Hey!"

Joan Walden: Hey!

Jim McFinnigan: Hey!

Narrator: Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were moved daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street, in a house like any other, something magical would happen to a little girl, who you'll like to meet.

(We enter one of the houses where we meet Sally, a young girl who listing of things with her phone)

Sally: Okay, today's to-do list. Number one: make-to do list. Number two: Practice coloring. Number three: Research graduate schools. Number four: Be spontaneous. Number five: Create lasting childhood memories. And number six: Amend will. I think it sounds too much. (While she checking her to-do list, Nevins, the family's dog, naps in the sun, until the glass breaking noise which wakes up the dog as he then goes on to investigate where he stops to spot a mouse where he starts with a chase around the house, much to Sally got the attention, in her concern) What happened, Nevins? (the mouse scurries pass her) Aah! A mouse? (Nevins runs pass her) Nevins, leave that poor mouse alone. Stay!

(But the chase still continues; TBD. Then the mouse runs to the door and tries to squeeze through the bottom crack, but did not bung itself. Nevins spots the mouse and snorts and kick back dirt like a bull before launching to the door to reach the mouse. Luckily for the mouse, it finally pops out free and Nevins burst out the door, both passing Joan, who is home with her party dress all covered to protect from it being dirty and messy, much to Joan backs away from the duo and watches on)

Joan Walden: Oh, my word!

Sally: (appears out from the door and watches Nevins running away still chasing the mouse through the suburbia) Nevins! Nevins, come back!

Joan Walden: (despairing with her annoyed tone) Sally...

Sally: (embarrassed as she smiles) Oops... Heh! Hi, Mom. How's work going?

(the camera cuts back to the house where Joan strips off the cover from her untouched dress while having her argument with Sally)

Joan Walden: (to Sally) You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress. Why today? Why do you have to pick today to destroy the house? You know what's happening today.

Sally: Mom, I know you're angry, but this wasn't my fault. Like you told me that you're throwing a very important party, all of your important clients will be here. But it was Nevins who tried to destroy the house, upon attempting to catch an innocent mouse.

Joan Walden: I know that. But, I asked you to do one thing today, Sally... keep the house clean. Do you know how frustrating it is that you're always doing the exact opposite of what I say?

Sally: Well, at least I tried everything you assist me, Mom. I have full responsibility around the house, even when you're gone.

Joan Walden: Right. Now let's go outside and find Nevins.

Man: (appears through the door with Nevins in his hands) Knock, knock, knock. Someone lose a dog? (a shine appears in his smile)

Joan Walden: (relief) Oh, never mind. Larry already did found our dog.

Larry Quinn: Actually, Joan, my sweet. It's Lawrence. And I found him next door in my yard again.

Joan Walden: (flirts at him) You are a saint. Thank you.

(Joan and Larry kisses much to Sally's disgusted look)

Larry Quinn: (hands Nevins to Joan) And here I thought you were only dating me for my good looks. It's a pleasure by the way.

Sally: (sarcastically) Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here.

Larry Quinn: (to Sally) Hey-a, little princess. Call me Lawrence. Okay?

Sally: Whatever. And stop calling me "princess", okay?

Larry Quinn: Uh, look, Sally, be a good little lady. Why don't you go tidy up the living room like a normal little girl. Okay?

Sally: I don't have to listen to you, Larry. You're not my pop.

Joan Walden: Sally, do what Lawrence says.

Sally: (annoyed as she glazes Larry winks at her) Fine. And by the way, Larry. Next time for future reference, don't tell me what to do. (she leaves)

Larry Quinn: (about Sally to himself) How cute...

(Cuts to Sally cleaning up the mess, with her annoyed look on her face)

Sally: (to herself; intimating Larry) "Sally, be a good little lady. Why don't you go tidy up the living room like a normal little girl. Okay?" (normal) Yeah, I'd tidy up his ego if I wanted to. Who did he think he is anyway? He's not the boss of me. (then overhearing the conversation between Joan and Larry at the den)

Larry Quinn: Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?

Joan Walden: (tidy her sunflowers) You mean the Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth?

Larry Quinn: That's the one, Joan.

Joan Walden: I'm not sure it's right for Sally. After all, she's a girl.

Larry Quinn: Oh, Joan, Joan. Joan, Joan, Joan. I have so much respect for you, Joan. Single mother, careerwoman, raising your daughter on your own, and still finding time to be the best darned real estate agent in town. I know how hard it is, Joan.

Joan Walden: It is hard.

Larry Quinn: Oh... I know. (Sally is secretly hiding behind the wall, still listening) And I know how hard you're trying. (displays her with an ad of The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth) This is a once-in-a-lifetime proposition, and you must act now. The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario. A top-flight military school, and it's only eight hours away. Besides, I hope I be willing to seek that military school, appropriate fit for Sally.

(much to Sally's shock before the phone is heard ringing)

Joan Walden: (gasps and smiles to Larry in her embarrassment) Oh, the phone.

(Joan rushes to awnser the phone, leaving Larry, who drops an ad down and posing an karate move much to Sally enters at the den)

Sally: I heard what you said. I'm not going to military school, Larry.

Larry Quinn: Look, little missy, I know I'm not your dad and this is probably really strange for your neighbor's dating your mom. But, here's the thing, girl. Come here. (knees down to Sally and glares at him) I don't like you either. But I'm gonna marry your mom. And if it was up to me, you'd be at that military school today.

Sally: I'm not going to military school.

Larry Quinn: (laughing) Ohh! I think you're gonna love it. It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline. And one more thing... It's Lawrence, you snot-nosed little...(Joan appears back much to Larry hugs awkwardly her; to Joan) wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about!

Sally: (grunting) Hey. Ow! Put me down!

Larry Quinn: Gosh, I love children! Even your daughter. Oh, Joan, I didn't see you there. (puts Sally down)

Joan Walden: Lawrence, would you be a doll and help me bring up chairs from the basement?

Larry Quinn: Nothing would give me more pleasure, Joan, (looks at his watch) but I do have to run. I have a very important sales conference downtown.

Joan Walden: Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.

Larry Quinn: Sure.

(Sally snorts annoyingly. Larry picks up his glasses and his suitcase before reaching to the door, showing Sally his military march backwards, opens the door and saluting, to remind her for shipping to the military school, if she screws up, and then he leaves away)

Sally: (turns back to Joan) Mom, come on, that guy's a total phony. You can't let Larry--

Joan Walden: It's Lawrence, Sally.

Sally: (scruffs) Like I don't care.

(doorbell rings. Joan answers it)

Caterer: (holding a box; to Joan) Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.

Joan Walden: Oh, hi. Where's Kate?

Caterer: (enters inside the house) I'm Kate.

Joan Walden: Oh. Okay. Right this way, Kate. (closes the door)

(Jumpcut; phone rings. Joan holds up the large plate of food walking to the kitchen as Sally follows her. Kate is gone)

Sally: Mom, you've gotta listen to me...

Joan Walden: Quiet! (annoyedly grunts as Sally continues to complain about Larry. Upon entering the kitchen, Nevins is eating TBD on the table, much to shock Joans and Sally continues to complain. Which it is starting to get in a chaos) Quiet! Nevins! (Puts Navins down and the phone continues to ring, annoyed Joan as she shouts to the phone) I SAID QUIET! (bit silence, but the phone, much to Joan laughs in her embarrassment as she answers it; to a phone) Joan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.

Mr. Humberfloob: (on phone) This is Mr. Humberfloob.

Joan Walden: Oh, hi, Mr. Humberfloob.

Mr. Humberfloob: Joan, I need you to come back to the office.

Joan Walden: Today?

Mr. Humberfloob: Yes, Joan. Some problem?

Joan Walden: No problem at all.

Mr. Humberfloob: Great.

(Joan gasps putting down the phone)

Sally: What's going on, Mommy?

Joan Walden: Mommy has to go back to the office. (picks up the phone and dial) Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can housekeeping.

Sally: Not Mrs. Kwan!

Scene 3
(The camera cuts to the view through the peephole where Mrs. Kwan, an overweight middle-age woman, had arrived at the front porch. Jumpcut out from the peephole, Joan answers the door)

Mrs. Kwan: Oh!

Joan Walden: Hi, Mrs. Kwan.

Mrs. Kwan: (enters the house) Hi.

Joan Walden: I'm running late. Thanks for babysitting on such short notice.

Mrs. Kwan: Mmm, yeah.

Joan Walden: (pushing her gently) Okay, Mrs. Kwan.

Mrs. Kwan: Oh-oh-oh!

Joan Walden: I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Mrs. Kwan: (seeing Sally sitting on a stairs, whispers) Hi.

Joan Walden: Sally will be grounded if she screws up, so this is her last chance. Sally? Since this's your last chance, if you wanna make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.

(Navins growls at Mrs. Kwan, who she growls back to him)

Sally: Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.

Joan Walden: What about Denise, then?

Sally: She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak me anymore. And you don't like bossy? I won't tolerate it.

Joan Walden: Right. Well, if you're staying, remember the rules. Always keep this house clean, meaning no making messes, no throwing parties until my return, no letting strangers in the house, and no answering the phone, "City Morgue."

Sally: I know, mom. But what is the last rule?

Joan Walden: And absolutely never set your foot in the living room, or else.

Sally: I know that too. But or else what? You're gonna do what Larry said and send me to military school?

Joan Walden: Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school. I wish I could trust you. After all, you are good little daughter I ever have.

Sally: I wish I had a different mom.

Joan Walden: Well, sometimes I wish the same thing. Now if you excuse me, I have to go now. So remember to be good with Mrs. Kwan. (she leaves outside and walks to her car. Larry looks on) (to Larry) Good luck with your meeting.

(Larry blows a kiss and wave good-bye at Joan who drives away, just before he aboard his car and watches Joan driving far away until she's gone, much to Sally watches him through the window, as Larry is about to drive. However, Larry got out of his car and marches back inside his house, which surprises Sally)

Sally: (to herself) Really?

Mrs. Kwan: Sally, would you like to watch television with me? We don't have to tell your mother.

(Sally joins Mrs. Kwan on the sofa as she turns on the television with the remote to change the channel, until stops to the sumo wrestling match, where sumos begin to fight each other)

Sally: (sarcastically) Oh goody, Mrs. Kwan. Another sumo fighting competition.

Mrs. Kwan: I always love watch this all the time since I was three. (to the TV) Come on, big guy! Show your foe who's the champ!

Sally: (to Mrs. Kwan) On second thought, I better be doing something else now.

(Sally leaves to sit in front of a window, while Mrs. Kwan is feeling drowsy upon watching TV)

Mrs. Kwan: (sleeping and dreaming; to herself) Hit me! (collapse on the sofa to slumber)

(Sally, feeling bored, keeps on staring out the window as the camera slowly zooms out and fades to the whole Sally's house, just as the storm arrives and pores down to the land, much to hit a butterfly as it flies back, as the narrator is narrating)

Narrator: So, Sally slumped in her chair too glum to complain. And to make matters worse, it started to rain. She sat in the house on that cold, cold, wet day with no fun to have and no games to play. She could just stare out the window or perhaps get a nap in, and hope that something, anything might happen.

Sally: I'm bored. (feeling drowsy and sleeps just before a loud sound is heard, waking her up)

Narrator: Then something went bump.

Sally: What was that?

(Nevins barks)

Narrator: How that bump made her jump?

(Nevins barking)

Sally: Shh, be quiet, Nevins. I think it came from the closet. You stay here, I'll go check. (nervously, she walks upstairs to the hallway to investigate to the closet. She opens it to reveal the darkness until a furry object slowly drops down to the floor much to Sally's surprise and looks that it was just a giant plush bear, with Sally laughs in relief) Wow, this scared. (turns around) At first I thought that was a monster--- (she then gazes up and shocks to see a giant tuxedo cat with his read tie and his red and white top hat)

Cat: A monster?! Where?! (Sally scream in terror and flees away) That could've gone better (wheeze laugh).

(Downstairs, Sally runs down and hides inside the closet as she shuts the door to reveal a screen in complete darkness)

Sally: (voice-over; to herself) I don't know what was that, but all can realize that it was a humongous cat, which looks like.

(The cat, who followed Sally, turns on the light)

Cat: "Humongous"? I prefer the term "big-boned" or "jolly." Now, what are we hiding from? (laughs)

(Sally screams and runs out from the closet, up to the stairs and hides under the bed in the bedroom)

Sally: (to herself) That was a giant cat. But that's impossible.

Cat: (besides her) It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this hiding place a lot better. They'll never find us here. (silent) Scream and run. (Sally screams and climbs out from the bed) (to himself) And there she goes.

Sally: (in fear) WHO ARE YOU?!

Cat: (behind her) Who? Me? (Sally turns around) Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat. There's no doubt about that. I'm a "super-fun-diferous" feline who's here to make sure that you're... uh... all fine. And just to let you know that sometimes I have troubled with the rhyming. (silent) Right? So why are you staring at? Are you gonna continue to scream and run away from me or not? Come on, kid, spit it out. (still silent) (sighs) Look, I'm a cat that can talk. That should be enough for you human! (muttering, as he leaves out from the room)

Sally: Where did you come from?

(Cat halts with a screech)

Cat in the Hat: (thinking) Hmmm... How do I put this? I was been carried and delivered by the stork to the mommy and daddy cat, who raised me so good as their kid, by tucking me to sleep, singing lullabies, telling me stories and---

Sally: Oh, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?

Cat in the Hat: My place! Where do you think? (laughs)

Sally: No, how did you get here?

Cat in the Hat: I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes, and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph! (crosses his arms)

Sally: Sorry, Mr. Cat. Would you like some milk?

Cat in the Hat: Milk? Nah, I'm good. Besides, I don't really drink milk like other cats.

Sally: Why?

Cat in the Hat: I dunno, but trust me, it's true (wheeze) (grabs a platform from a small table and uses it as a surfboard as he steps forwards to the stairs) Hahaha! Hello! (drops the platform on the floor) Surf s up! (surfs downstairs as the music TBD is playing the background) Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-hee-hee! (upon reaching down, he flips the platform back to the hall and land back on a table. He looks around the house) Nice spread you got here, Sally.

Sally: How did you know my name?

Cat in the Hat: Well, I can guess your name, right? Aren't you Sally?

Sally: Yes.

Cat in the Hat: Then what else is your name? Maybe you're name is either, uh... Suzy, Cindy, Hannah, Dakota, Audrey, Betty, Lilly, Lillo, Lu-Lu, La-La, or (imitating Ricky from "I Love Lucy") Lucy?

Sally: (irritated) Cat!

Cat in the Hat: Okay, you're name is "Suzy".

Sally: It's Sally.

Cat in the Hat: (shake her hand) Well, please to meet ya, "Cindy". I'm the Cat in the Hat. Nice quittance you make by the way. Although those drapes are a train wreck.(laughs as he walks off to sit on a sofa and starts bouncing) And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on. And bouncy too! (as the camera quickly zooms out to reveal that he's actually sits on a sleepy Mrs. Kwan)

Sally: Get off of her. That's the housekeeper.

Cat in the Hat: (gets off and looks at Mrs. Kwan) This? Well, you don't need one of those, do ya? (holds up a coat hanger to hang up Mrs. Kwan, still sleeping and takes her to a nearby closet, much to Sally's amusement) Let me get this straight. You pay this woman to steal your house and keep it as her own? That's illegal! (places Mrs. Kwan on the hanging bar and shuts the closet) (proudly) But that takes care of her. (laughs) Hmmm.. (walks up to Sally and holds up his device) Now, let's see what the old "phunometer" has to say.

Sally: "Phunometer"

Cat in the Hat: Yeah. It measures how fun you are. TBD