Dungeons and Dragons Too/Campaign One, Session One

Transcript
Begins with Stella, Ryan, Daniel, María, Lawrence and Diane sitting at a table. Cuts to Ryan dressed as Ymire. Cuts to María dressed as Nyrisa. She sniffs. Cuts to Daniel. Cuts to Lawrence. Finally it cuts to Diane. Cuts back to the table. They all say yes.
 * Stella: G'day, everyone watching and welcome to Dungeons and Dragons Too. Basically, I am going to be a dungeon master as everyone else you see besides me will be the players of this long game.
 * Ryan: I thought I'd be the MC, since I'm the man of the house.
 * Stella: I am the master of this game, so it makes sense for me to be the Dungeon Master.
 * Ryan: (impersonating Bill Clinton) But honey, let's remember who was in charge of this country for eight years.
 * Stella: Ha! But seriously though, let's not argue and just get this game on the road.
 * María: Are you doing impressions for this game?
 * Stella: I mean I am a lot of characters, so of course. But to get things on track, should you guys say your characters first or a start out a scene and force you guys one by one to introduce your characters?
 * Ryan: I know. Let's...
 * Stella: It's a question. You say either the first one or the second one.
 * Ryan: You didn't let me finish. The first would be nice.
 * Daniel: I pick the first one too.
 * Ryan: I could describe my character first.
 * Stella: As long it's not an impression. Save that for stand-up.
 * Ryan: My character is a dragonborn rogue. He has green scaly skin and wears a black cloak. Oh and his name is Ymire.
 * Stella: That will be an interesting drawing later on. Anyone want to go next?
 * María: Well, my character is a elf druid.
 * Stella: (teasing) Is she hot?
 * María: You can say that. She wears leaves as clothes and they're amazon-style, so her legs and stomach are showin', haha. I'd like to call her Nyrisa.
 * Stella: Caliente, María. Who's next?
 * Daniel: Me. I'll be a half-orc wizard. Name's Dmitri and he wears shattered up cloth and walks around practically shirtless.
 * Stella: Sounds good. Next?
 * Lawrence: Alright, my character is named Andres, he's a halfling barbarian and he wears a bear-skin cape, heavy armor, and badass stuff that only serves to make him look even more adorable when he's fighting giant monsters.
 * Stella: Great! And with this, only Diane's left. What will be yours, girl?
 * Diane: Mine's a tiefling monk. She uses a blade, dressed in primarily a monk-like robe and she's named Lily.
 * Stella: Like my Lily?
 * Diane: Maybe?
 * Stella: Alright, and for everyone wondering about their backstories, here's a segment where I made everyone dress as their characters and roleplay as them.
 * Ryan: You sure I look good on these?
 * Stella: (VO) And action!
 * Ryan: I never knew my father growing up. Or my mother. I was raised on the streets by a man wanted for several crimes but who was also one of the kindest people I had ever met. And then he was executed for the one crime he didn't commit, just because he refused to marry the duke's daughter. I took that man's title of the King of Thieves for myself, and I have sworn that one day I will find the duke, his daughter, and everyone involved in the execution, and make them all pay at any means necessary.
 * María: I was raised in a village isolated from all other life. I was taught the ways of a Druid at a very young age. My mentors taught me kindness, love, and respect... and then one day, out of nowhere... dragons. They destroyed my village, leaving most of its inhabitants dead, except for me. I have no idea where the dragons came from or where they went... but I left my home shortly after their attack to spread my mentors' word. A blue, red, and white dragon destroyed my home... and I want to find them, not for revenge, but to ask them one question: "why?"
 * Stella: (VO) I almost thought it was real.
 * Daniel: I grew up in one of the rare villages where orcs and humans lived together. My parents were surprisingly loving, though they both wanted me to become a member of the local paladin's guild when I was older. I kinda didn't want to. I focused on studying and unlocking the secrets of magic from the past, much to my father's dismay. We got into argument after argument about me wanting to be a wizard until one day, he went out for a quest and never came back... his funeral was three weeks later. And I can only hope to prove to my father that I can be a wizard, even if he'll never be there to see me grow.
 * Lawrence: Since I was young, I always wanted to fight. I'm not like the ordinary halfling who sits around in his hole waiting for adventure to come to him, I go out looking for the adventure, no matter how many halflings from my home call me crazy! No matter how far or near it is! my great-great-great-great-grandfather was the orc captain Killgood Strongjaw, I've got a legacy to uphold! and not just that, I need to outdo him and make him seem like he's the cream of the crap! and that's why one day I'm gonna kill a Tarrasque!
 * Diane: My father was a demon and my mother was a monk. How those two fell in love, I'll never know, heh. Well, my mom ended up teaching me the ways of the monk and my dad taught me how to use my more... demon-y abilities. Everything was pretty great until everyone found out that my dad was actually an archfiend, one of the generals of the Nine Hells... so now I vow to take down my father. Not because I hate him, I'll always love him, but to prove to everyone that I'm not just the daughter of a demon. I'm gonna be the monk who beat and archfiend... that will be my legacy.
 * Stella: Before we start this session, I should set up the world. So, first off, welcome to the continent of Dynama! It is a continent in a war between two kingdoms. Now, there are obviously places of peace in this, but despite that these two kingdoms are the bane of everyone's existence. One kingdom is known as the kingdom of Marxius and the other Dawnspeak. One is ruled by a king and the other a queen. Both were in love at one point but for reasons unknown, they divorced and the war started. Both have the same motive, destroy the other. Because of their selfish motives, no one likes them, not even their own men, but nobody can touch them because every assassin that has been hired turned up dead. And... I think that's it.
 * Diane: Ooo, so we've got two BBEGs for this story! sweet!
 * Daniel: Shall we get this show on the road?
 * Stella: Everybody ready?
 * Stella: Alright, you all wake up in the middle of the night. You've been sailing on a ship to Dynama, each for your own personal reasons. The thing that wakes you all up is a cannonball blasting through the bedroom of the ship as the captain yells a single word: "Pirates!"
 * Lawrence: "What type?"
 * Stella: ...What?
 * Lawrence: "I want to know my enemy before I slaughter them".
 * Stella: "Does it matter? they're freakin' pirates!"
 * Lawrence: "Good point! AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGH!"