Babe (The Private Reviewer)

(Open on the Pettit Reviewer sitting at his table in his room.)

Pettit Reviewer: Hello, I'm the Pettit Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't. There's nothing like an hauntedless film, is there? That is to say, there's nothing more...

(Cut to clips from Babe; music from the film plays.)

PR (v/o): ...creepiness, annoying drama, or unbelievable darkness, also with mawkish, sentimental, unwatchable claptrap pretentious as an hauntedless film, is there?

(Cut to PR.)

PR: Of course there isn't, and that's why I'm taking a look at Universal Pictures' latest since... (music fades as he tries to come up with an answer) ...well, anything their studio has produced the original, really:

(Movie's title card shown.)

PR (v/o): Babe.

PR: This is about an interesting movie, but other than that and a couple cheesy things it was pretty cute. I mean, that deserves to be ripped live-action Charlotte's Web version off. For kids, the movie is great with some of the worst clichés. Stick to the cartoons if you want talking animals. This is so disturbing, but it's good. So, the film begins as the book opens.

PR (v/o): And see the camera began to pass through the creepy statues, like The Exorcist III and pictures had to do re-anima-- What?! The pictures had to do re-animated? This feels creep-less like Harry Potter where the frames still have to do GiFs animations. And the tone starts off as the lights dimmed setting like Fantasia in where the pictures had to do stop-motion animations where it pans away to the big picture frame.

PR: Seriously? That feels so haunted-less!

PR (v/o): So, the film changes to the pigs in a slaughterhouse of meats, which the truck come inside. And, yeah, the men will take over the fat pigs towards through the truck.

Babe: Good-bye, Mom.

PR (v/o): Whoa, is that a small pig known as "piglet" named Babe, voiced by (a shot of Chuckie from...) The Rugrats ' Christine Cavanaugh? I guess what I don't have an inappropriate word mean is.

(A briefly clip of Conker's Bad Fur Day is shown)

Conker: Paradise! (faints)

(back to the movie, the men snatched Babe from the metallic flat-less cage, put him to the sack)

PR (v/o): When the two men in suits, they showed up and getting snatched a piglet from the cage; (a center shot of Babe: Pig in the City where the original footage appears a bit flashback during Babe being chased by the pit bull dog) and wait, maybe they put a footage a bit flashback in the sequel, but that's my favorite movie.

Harry: How much do I owe you?

Man: It's a runt, Harry. A worthless, little runt.

(two men holding a pig in the sack chuckles and walks off and snap off to black, a two women screaming at the rides)

PR: (v/o): Well, wait a minute. What if the pig squealing in the sack as cut to the two women screaming mingle, then the girls squealing riding their rides? But what actually happened with that scene is a better beginning? Jeez, what a freak out. (as the auctioneer chattering at the lots of sheep for sale) Hey, is that an auctioneer chattering at? Well, I guess I put a voice effect for a Disney classic, Dumbo like...

(a clip of Dumbo is shown)

PR (v/o, mimicking the auctioneer): Hurry to the big sheep touch. That's why you go touch the sheep.

(an another clip of All Dogs Go to Heaven is shown)

PR (v/o): Or another put on Don Bluth’s classic: All Dogs Go to Heaven, like...

PR (v/o, mimicking the dog caster): Baa baa baa, lots of sheep, touch any wool. Touch the sheep in the upset of the week. Who would've touched a herd?

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): When the farmer, played by Spider-Man 3 ' s James Cromwell, towards see an orphaned piglet is chosen for a "guess the weight" contest at a county fair.

Arthur Hoggett: Don't keep pigs.

Man #2: Christmas day. Think of it. What a feast.

PR: Oh, that's right. I didn't know what they're saying a "feast" word like...

(a briefly clip of Inkheart is shown)

Capricorn: Feast!

(a briefly clip of Year One is shown)

Zed (Jack Black): Tonight, we feast.

(a briefly clip of How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is shown)

The Grinch: (jumping) And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast, FEAST!

(a briefly clip of The Angry Birds Movie is shown)

King Leonard Mudbeard: We're having a feast! We're eating the eggs!

PR: Okay, enough with any "feast" word said.

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): But Arthur Hoggett take the piglet home from the contest winner and he is taken in by Border Collie Fly, her irascible mate Rex and their puppies. So, does that first chapter title is...

(the mice reading the chapter title "Pigs are definitely stupid" is shown)

PR: (v/o): Yeah, that mice kept to be reading; so, we're cut back to the scene with...

Fly's Puppy #1: What is it, Mom?

Fly: That's a pig.

(Fly and the puppies head towards the barn to find Babe, an orphaned pig)

PR (v/o): Jeez, that puppies' voices looks like Daveigh Chase.

Fly's Puppy #2: It does look stupid, Mom.

Fly: Not as stupid as sheep, mind you. But pigs are definitely stupid.

PR: (confused, shrugs) Well, I guess any excuse to use a first chapter title.

Fly: Who are you?

Babe: I'm a large white.

Fly: Yes, that's your breed, dear.

PR: (mimicking Fly) And, hey, are you a Yorkshire Pig Association breed here?

Fly: What did your mother call you to tell you apart from your brothers and sisters?

Babe: Our mom called us all the same.

Fly: And what was that, dear?

Babe: She called us all Babe.

(Brief footage from “Conker's Bad Fur Day” is shown again with Conker faints)

PR (v/o): No, Babe, turns out, is a main piggish character. Not an inappropriate stuff is.

Babe: I want my mom. (sobs)

PR (v/o): Aww, that was a bit harsh to make a saddest moment. And... (shows Rex, a blackish sheepdog) Whoa! Is that a blackish sheepdog (Rex)?

Rex: Until he finds his feet.

Fly: If you do want to do anything, you'll go outside, won't you? (as she touches Babe with his nose) Good boy.

PR (v/o): Yeah, enough with this heartwarming scene. And we're cut to the morning, the puppies are playing around with Babe. And then, he decides to met the old a Border Leicester ewe in the shelter.

Babe: You're a sheep!

Maa: I'll not be called a common sheep, thank you kindly. And I got me a nasty cough.

PR: Oh, no; not to be mentioned where they actually look like a nasty cough for... (as a briefly clip of...) Mayhew from Tim Burton's Corpse Bride, anyway.

(back to the movie...)

Maa: And I'm not as young as I used to be. What be your name?

Babe: Babe.

Maa: Not like them wolves. Treat you like dirt, they do!

Babe: Fly would never do that!

Maa: Fly, is it? A right vicious creature she be, I'll tell you.

Babe: Not Fly.

Maa: All them wolves is cruel to sheep. Always have been. Brutal savages! That's what they be.

PR: (confused) Well, what does she saying words for short? Vicious, cruel, brutal? That was a tangle of questions!

PR (v/o): The next morning of the crime, Babe befriends a duck named Ferdinand, voiced by Danny Mann, who wakes people by crowing like a rooster every morning so he will be considered useful and be spared from being eaten.

Ferdinand: You look like an intelligent, sophisticated, discerning young fella.

PR: Me? (snickers) No, not me.

Babe: So I go through the kitchen, across the living room...

Ferdinand: Good, good.

Babe: ...into the bedroom. Get the mechanical rooster and bring it out to you.

Ferdinand: What about that cat?

Babe: But quietly bring it out to you.

Ferdinand: Excellent. It's against the rules. Only dogs and cats allowed in the house. It's a good rule, but this is bigger than rules.

PR (mimicking Ferdinand): Who gives the plan against the bigger rules for? We understand to gives the plan.

Ferdinand: Humans eat ducks!

Babe: (gasps in shock) I beg your pardon?

Ferdinand: Ah, most ducks prefer to forget it, but the fact is that humans like to eat plump ducks.

PR: (mimicking Ferdinand) But the fact is, ducks have any purpose to eat.

Babe: Why do you need me to do it?

Ferdinand: I'm allergic to cats.

Babe: Oh.

Ferdinand: They make me sneeze.

PR: (mimicking Ferdinand) Ah, yeah. (a shot of Sneezy from Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) The seven dwarfs were right. Don't bother us to say "Heigh-Ho".

(When Babe gets inside which Duchess sleeps in the living room; Ferdinand pushes the alarm clock and Babe holds the alarm clock with his mouth, tries to destroy the alarm clock.)

PR (v/o): So Babe gets inside the house and gets stuck in chaos a bit, Ferdinand persuades him to help him destroy the alarm clock that threatens his mission. Despite succeeding in this, they wake the Hoggetts' cat and in the confusion accidentally wreck the living room in the ensuing chaos.

(Ferdinand shouts while Babe drops the alarm clock from his mouth. As the alarm clock rings as Duchess woke up and she attacks them at offscreen)

John Marston (from Red Dead Redemptation: Undead Nightmare, v/o): This is madness!

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