Episode 109: Alec Baldwin transcript

Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room
Scooter: [Knocking On Door 5 Times] "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 57 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)."

Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch for telling me, Scooter, I'll be with you guys in a jiffy."

Cut to Kermit appearing through The Super Muppet Telethon logo........

Kermit: "It's The Super Muppet Telethon with our very special guest star, Mr. Alec Baldwin, yaaaaay!"

[Music In Background]

Rowlf: [Playing On Piano Keys]

[Upbeat Music In Background]

Female Muppet Friends: It's time to play the music

it's time

to light

it's time

to meet

the Muppets

on The Super Muppet Telethon

tonight

Male Muppet Friends: it's time to

put on make-up

it's time to

dress up right

it's time to raise

the curtain

on The Super Muppet Telethon

tonight

Waldorf: why do we

always come here

Statler: I guess we'll never know

Waldorf: it's like

some kind of torture

Statler and Waldorf: to have

to watch

the show

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: and now 

let's get things

started

Miss Piggy: why don't you

get things

started

Kermit and Muppet Friends: it's time to get 

things started

on the most sensational

inspirational

celebrational

Muppetational 

this is what 

we call 

The Super Muppet Telethon.

[Vacuum Cleaner Humming]

Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction
Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Super Muppet Telethon, that's exactly right, it's a super wonderful evening for all of us 'cause tonight's guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he's been in Thomas and the Magic Railroad, The Cat in the Hat and all of it, but 1st, we have an opening musical number."

Scooter: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, Piggy's desperate to get back together with you again."

Kermit: "No doubt about it, but thanks a bunch for telling me that, Scooter."

Scooter: "You're welcome."

Kermit: "Here's the opening musical number."

Opening Musical Number: Don't Go Breaking my Heart
[Music In Background]

Miss Piggy: Don't go breaking

my heart

Kermit: I couldn't

if I tried

Miss Piggy: oh honey

if I get restless

Kermit: baby

you're not 

that kind

[Music Continues In Background]

Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking

my heart

Denise: you took the weight

off of me

Link Hogthrob: oh honey

when you walk

out the door

Denise: I gave you

my key

[Music Continues In Background]

Rizzo and Yolanda: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Rizzo: when I was down

Yolanda: I was your clown

Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Kermit: nobody knoooows

Gonzo: right from the start

Camilla: (clucking I gave you my heart

ohhhh 

I gave you my heart)

[Music Continues In Background]

Fozzie: so don't go 

breaking my heart

Doris: I won't go

breaking your heart

[Music Continues In Background]

Miss Piggy: and nobody

told us

Kermit:  'cause nobody

showed us

Link Hogthrob: and now 

it's up to us babe

Denise: I think 

we can make it

Miss Piggy: so don't 

misunderstand me

Kermit: you put

the light

in my life

Link Hogthrob: you put

the sparks 

to the flame

Denise: I got your heart

in my sights

Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Miss Piggy: when I was down

Kermit: I was your clown

Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Kermit: nobody knows it

Link Hogthrob: right from 

the start

Denise: I gave you

my heart

ohhhh

I gave you my heart

Rizzo: don't go breakin' 

my hea't

Yolanda: I won't go breaking 

your heart

Rizzo and Yolanda: don't go breaking 

my heart

Link Hogthrob and Denise: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Link Hogthrob: when I was down

Denise: I was your clown

Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Miss Piggy: right from the start

Kermit: I gave you my heart

ohhh

I gave you my heart

Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking

my heart

Denise: I won't go breaking

your heart

Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking

my heart

Rizzo and Yolanda: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Rizzo: when I was down

Yolanda: I was your clown

Kermit and Miss Piggy: whoo-hoo

nobody knows it

Miss Piggy: nobody knows it

Miss Piggy (continued): right from the start

Kermit: I gave you my heart

ohh I gave you my heart

Rizzo: don't go breakin'

my hea't

Yolanda: I won't go breaking

your heart

Kermit: don't go breaking my

Miss Piggy: don't go breaking my

Gonzo: don't go breaking

my heart

Link Hogthrob: don't go breaking my

Denise: don't go breaking my

Kermit: don't go breaking

my heart....

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.......

Waldorf: "I used to perform that song with Astoria at karaoke church parties in our younger years."

Statler: "Well I used to do Disco Inferno myself."

Waldorf: "That makes you the king of disco rock music!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........

Kermit: "Now let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody."

Bear on Patrol sketch number: Stealing daisies and tulips
Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, we're almost there, here we go, (he sits Rizzo right on the stool.) perfect."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What can I help you with, Patrol Bear?"

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This rat's been caught stealing daisies and tulips from a nearby garden house."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see, tell me your name, please."

Rizzo: "I'm Rizzo de rat, and I'm innocent, I didn't steal dose daisies and tulips, I was just pickin' dem fo' Yolanda."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent section of the guilty and innocent list and finds Rizzo's name written on there.

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Rizzo, looks like you're innocent after all, in that case, Patrol Bear, you can let him go free right now."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear lets Rizzo go free at last.

Talk Spot: Discussing about true love
Kermit: "So, (Guest Star), what do you know about true love?"

Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, it's when you meet somebody that you really love and they go out with you as well."

Kermit: "Oh yeah, now I remember that."

Just then, Miss Piggy shows up looking ticked off and upset.

Kermit: "Hey, Piggy? is something disturbing you?"

Miss Piggy: "I'm sick and tired of being broken up with you for good and I wanna get back together with you."

Kermit: "I agree with you, PIggy, I was thinking about the exact same thing you were thinking."

Denise: "Did I just hear that? Kermit and Piggy are getting back together again, I think I might fall in love with Link when I tell him."

The Swedish Chef sketch number: Peanut butter and cream cheese on hamburger rolls
Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue,

orn desh, dee born desh,

de umn

bork, bork, bork

Swedish Chef: "Eet's time tu meke peenoot booter und creem cheese oon hemborger rulls."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, poot smoot peenoot booter oon zee buttum hemborger rulls,"

The Swedish Chef puts smooth peanut butter on the bottom hamburger rolls.

Swedish Chef:  "next, poot creem cheese oon tup ooff zee peenoot booter pert,"

The Swedish Chef puts cream cheese on top of the peanut butter part.

Swedish Chef: "und feenelly, ve poot zee tup hemborger rulls oon zeem."

The Swedish Chef puts the top hamburger rolls on the peanut butter and cream cheese parts.

Swedish Chef: "Und zeere zeey ire, peenoot booter und creem cheese oon hemborger rulls."

Peanut Butter and Cream Cheese Sandwich Number 1: "This kitchen's getting crazy,"

Peanut Butter and Cream Cheese Sandwich Number 2: "or maybe it's real nutty."

Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?"

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......

Waldorf: "I enjoy the smell of peanut butter and cream cheese in the morning time."

Statler: "I prefer it with clover honey the way Fozzie does."

Waldorf: "The smell of sweet success!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again.........

Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody."

Pigs in Space sketch number: The Hiccupinator 300
Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day's come and gone by,"

Link Hogthrob: "and it's gonna be a typical day for all of us."

Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, you guys, check out my new invention."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What is it, Dr. Strangepork?"

Dr. Strangepork: "It's the Hiccupinator 300, you just push the green button and somebody who's standing right next to you would begin hiccuping uncontrollably."

Dr. Strangepork pushes the green button and Link Hogthrob begins hiccuping uncontrollably.

Link Hogthrob: "Uh oh, now [Hic!] you [Hic!] done [Hic!] it!"

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "How do you turn it off?"

Dr. Strangepork: "You push this red button and somebody stops hiccuping."

Dr. Strangepork pushes the red button and Link Hogthrob finally stops hiccuping.

Link Hogthrob: "At least I don't have my hiccups any longer."

Announcer: "Will Link Hogthrob ever keep his hiccups under control? will 1st Mate Piggy ever take charge? will Dr. Strangepork ever alert his crew members? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace."

Statler: "I had a minor case of the hiccups once."

Waldorf: "What did you do to get rid of them?"

Statler: "I took 1 deep breath and drank ice cold water from the arctic springs fountain."

Waldorf: "That's 1 good solution!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Kermit arrives out onstage.

Kermit: "And now it's time for Fozzie's Joke Time."

Fozzie's Joke Time
Fozzie: "Hiya, hiya, hiya, here I am, Fozzie Bear to tell you more jokes, why did the duck cross the road? to visit his best friend for life, the chicken on the other side.

Waldorf: "Sometimes the bear just can't get enough of those jokes."

Statler: "I agree with you, Waldorf."

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again.....

Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody."

Veterinarian's Hospital Sketch Number: Beautiful Day Monster as the patient
Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was out at a karaoke dance off party doin' the Macarena, then I did the limbo as well, I sure got those crazy dance moves, I was movin' around like a dancin' typewriter."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your dance jokes."

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, observe and watch."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls the corner of the green quilt to reveal Beautiful Day Monster as the patient.

Beautiful Day Monster: "What's going on with me? why do I keep scratching like this?"

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh my word, Beautiful Day Monster, like, what happened to you?"

Beautiful Day Monster: "I got the chills right down my spine, and I got uncontrollable itchiness."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well that looks just like you all over."

Announcer: "Will Nurse Janice ever keep this patient in control? will Nurse Piggy ever stay in touch with her hard work? does Dr. Bob know what he's doing? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Janice say-"

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, is there any word of advice for this patient?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, I say that he should use some meds and liquids and anti-itching cream."

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......

Statler: "It looks like Beautiful Day Monster's got a terrible case of monster pox."

Waldorf: "Well technically, it looks like he's got a terrible case of monster-itis."

Statler: "That's 1 monster illness!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again.......

Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody."

Muppet Labs sketch number: The Flipinator 900
[Clock Ticking]

[Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background]

Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, (brief pause) that's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Flipinator 900."

(Another brief pause)

Bunsen: "Have you ever wanted to flip a bean bag? well the Flippinator 900's just the thing, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate (he calls over to Beaker who's standing right on the other side of him.) come right over here, Beaker."

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee."

Bunsen: "Now, Beaker, step right over there and get right on the Flipinator 900."

Beaker gets right on the Flipinator 900.

Bunsen: "Observe and watch what happens."

Beaker puts some bean bags on the Flipinator 900 and it causes him to do back flips.

Beaker: [Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm]

Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, it looks like you're doing a back flip over there, but unfortunately, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today."

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......

Waldorf: "I never saw Beaker do back flips like that."

Statler: "And I never saw him do cartwheels either."

Waldorf: "He's quite the excersising machine!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit onstage.......

Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Scooter, Fozzie, Rowlf and Lew Zealand for the closing musical number."

Closing Musical Number: Octopus's Garden
[Music In Background]

[Music Continues In Background]

Scooter: I'd like to be

under the sea

in an octopus's garden

in the shade

Fozzie: he'd let us in

knows where we been

in his octopus's garden

in the shade

Rowlf: I'd ask my friends

to come and see

an octopus's garden with me

Lew Zealand: I'd like to be

under the sea

in an octopus's garden

in the shade

[Music Continues In Background]

Fozzie: we would be warm

below the storm

in our little hide away

beneath the waves

Scooter: resting our head

on the sea bed

in an octopus's garden

near a cave

Lew Zealand: we would sing

and dance around

because we know

we can't be found

Rowlf: I'd like to be

under the sea

in an octopus's garden

in the shade

[Music Continues In Background Again]

Scooter: we would shout

then swim about

the coral

that lies beneath

the waves

Lew Zealand: lies beneath the ocean waves

Rowlf: oh what joy

for every girl and boy

knowin' they're happy

and they're safe

Fozzie: happy and they're safe

Scooter: we would be

so happy

you and me

no 1 there

to tell us

what to do

Fozzie: I'd like to be

under the sea

in an octopus's garden

with you

Rowlf: in an octopus's garden

with you

Scooter: in an octopus's garden

with you....

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again......

Statler: "I sure wish I could visit an aquarium."

Waldorf: "And I sure wish I was outta here as well."

Statler:"Good thinking."

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Once Again]

Scene 2: Back onstage/the introduction
Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, everybody, you were all such a lovely audience out there, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!"

The Guest Star arrives out onstage.

Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, I really appreciate being on the show with all of you."

Denise shows up onstage.

Denise: "Kermit, guys, I bet you'll never guess what Link got for me.

Guest Star: "Well, Denise, what is it?"

Denise: "It's a golden locket with a photograph of him in it."

Link Hogthrob: "Anything for you, Denise honey cakes."

Kermit: "Good thing Piggy and I are no longer broken up now that Link and Denise are together as always, but we'll see you next time on The Super Muppet Telethon."