Alice Through the Looking Glass (The Private Reviewer)

(the opening title begins and Private Reviewer sitting on this chair)

The Private Reviewer: Hello, I'm the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't. Oh, it's been hard. It's been an enchanted realm of watching these movies! But we're here. This is the first one! This is Alice Through the Looking Glass!

(the film's title is shown and montage of clips)

PR (v/o): It's only... usually... the first thing they think of is the Burbank version, and, yeah, actually, that's not such a good version to think of. I have a lot of people who told me to review this. Maybe, it is because I’ve praised the first one as an animated classic, and have even admitted it to being one of my favorite movies. The story of Alice in Wonderland was good, yet still had an element of wonder that makes it--what I consider--a masterpiece of animation. So, as you can imagine, (sighs) I’m not looking forward to this one. And who’s the star now? Alice? Oh, that kid that just got one line in the first film. What has he ever done, outside of…the title of the window? And it has not aged well with time. (shows clips from first film in 1988) The first film was better, but I gave it credit that at least it had some atmosphere, a decent pace, and a pretty cute little girl. This film...ugh, let's just get it over with...

PR: Let’s see what the damage is. I think I've lost them. Okay, look. Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don't love this movie. I don't even like it, either. I think it's bad. How bad is it? Well, apparently, it wasn't even good enough to get a Blu-ray release. And that's not worth killing a girl over, is it? NOPE!

(PR gets up quickly, zipping up his black coat, grabbing his S.W.A.T. helmet, putting on his brass knuckles, grabbing his paddle, putting on his helmet, securing his gun in his jacket, and then finally sitting at his chair to face the screen with paddle in hand; camera zoom up on his face and yells)

PR: TAKE A LOOK!

(The movie's opening is shown with "Burbank Animation, Inc. In Association With Jambre Productions Inc. Presents" in the wooden sign)

PR (v/o): The opening credits start off standard enough, where the credits of (zooms into...) "Burbank Animation" and "Jambre Productions" presenting with a film by (The film's director is revealed to be Jameson Brewer) Jameson Brewer.

PR: (confused) Jameson Brewer?

PR (v/o): First off, let's address the biggest misconception: This is not a Jameson Brewer-directed movie. (Posters of The Adventures of The Little Prince, Heidi's Song, Voltron: Defender of the Universe, The New Addams Family is shown) Actually, he's produced a lot of decent things.

(a picture of Andrea Bresciani and Richard Slapczynski is shown)

PR (v/o): Andrea Bresciani and Richard Slapczynski, who would direct animated masterpieces with Oliver Twist (animated 1982) and Hiawatha, is the both men who called the shots, but the Australian studio insisted Burbank Films Australia had more of a draw. I think that's fair.

(the film starts with a snow storm blows outside...)

PR (v/o): And it starts off with a snow storm which that narrated by Sam the snowman from Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer like...

Sam the Snowman (voiced by PR) Now, don't you worry your head about the girl 'cause she trapped in his house by a snow storm. It's always the same story.

PR (v/o): And the camera turns into a house trapped in a snow storm with...

(Suddenly, the camera zooms to Alice look at the window in a frosty pane inside)

PR (v/o): Unrelated to (an image of Alice (1988 animated version) is shown in the corner) Burbank '88 version of this main character, she's mature-looking! When you compare him to, say, (image of Taran from The Black Cauldron...) a forgotten Disney character, who spent years trying to perfect their designs. On top of that, his yellowed-hair of (in the left, a image of...) Mowgli from Disney's  The Jungle Book.

PR: Alice's design is small in the wrong way.

PR (v/o): Wait a minute, why is it suddenly Alice, who’s checked to be the masterpieces? Come on, that's not cute, it's a weird anime version.

(clip of the main character from 114th episode of "Alice in Wonderland" from the Japanese adaptation of “Manga Sekai Mukashi Banashi”)

PR (v/o): Fancy your Japanese design being great favorite in there! But they're not even trying!

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): But for now it's only in the future. And that made-up prophecy you didn’t say anything about Alice being the girlish voice of Janet Waldo?

Alice (Janet Waldo): (to Cinder) You can't go outside, Cinder. I can't go out, either. We're prisoners.

PR: [beat] Okay, okay. Maybe I'm being too critical. I mean, maybe she just looks like a voice of Judy Jetson. (a shot of Judy Jetson is shown; v/o) Hi, Judy Jetson! (back to PR) Oh, wait. YES, THEY DO!

Alice: I know you're smart, Cinder, but you can't play chess.

PR (v/o): Future decent nominator, everybody. Couldn't you just...predict it?

PR: Granted, her performance does get better as the film goes on, but for the first 4 minutes, you can pretty much call her Grant Waldo. (An image of Taran from The Black Cauldron is shown)

Alice: I know. Let's pretend we're in Egypt and... and I'm the queen.

Taran: And I could be a famous warrior.

Alice: I'll order thousands of my men to build the biggest pyramid in the world.

Taran: Won't I ever be anything but an assistant pig keeper?

Alice: No... we pretended that yesterday.

Taran: All I need is...is a chance.

PR: Though, to be fair, she does go in and out of an annoyance voice like Fran Smith. (An image of Mayzie McGrew in Daisy-Head Mayzie is shown)

Alice: Hmm, I'll just figure out a real neat chess move to beat Daddy tonight.

PR: Maybe Burbank productions have any annoyance a bit as a kid virus.

Alice: If I were a queen, I'd ride around my kingdom on my noble steed, and make everything beautiful.

PR (v/o; chuckles): Man, there are so many chess-ications she would be on today.

PR: You know what you need, honey?

Alice: (off-screen and voiced by PR) Chess and checkmate?

PR: No, candy ponies and philistine things. Just mix it in with a plastic tranquilizer.

Alice: I'll order all blizzards to stop and I'd command it to be nice every day.

PR (v/o; as Alice): Is Kiki and Tombo made it worked?

Alice: I'd order the grass to grow and all flowers to bloom right in the middle of winter.

PR (v/o): Well, enough with this annoyance. When his father tell him that she cannot play outside during the snowstorm, she thinks about what she could play inside. Then his father goes outside, Alice stands in front of the mirror in the room.

(When Alice notices the thunder rumbles and then the mirror comes alive...)

PR (v/o): And she actually notices that thunder rumbled effect and getting dark on and off.

PR: What is that pointless effect? Even in the '80s, how Care Bears in Wonderland could handle that scaring him out or something?

(a briefly clip of Care Bears in Wonderland is shown quickly, The first is the human girl screaming in horror, and then there's what she's screaming at; revealing the villain, the Wizard, transformed into something nonsensically hideous!)

PR: I thought so.

PR (v/o): When Alice realizes that mirror is coming alive and she entered the dreams of another world, which... it will be homage enough to the '88 version is up to.

Alice: I'm on the other side of the looking glass. And I'm not just pretending! (starts walking as the catchy song begins)

PR (v/o): Hey, wait a minute. What does that song begins for? Where does she get singing?

Alice (singing): I can't hardly believe my eyes, I really don't know what to think.

PR (v/o): Aw, geez, so you’re gonna treat him like a mother nature, too? You’re doing the baddest hot season without a power, you’re throwing him a garden back? Well, good, maybe here, they’ll finally treat him like a normal p- (a butterflies that says “Welcome” is being hoisted up to Alice) Ohh…really? You know, I’m sorry, I’m still gonna dwell on this: You do not treat your child this way, especially if she hasn’t done anything yet! It’ll place a ton of flowers bloom and stress that could scar the little brat for life! It’s basic Snow White mature. His summer stuff shouldn’t be doing it.

PR: Explain, movie! EXPLAIN!

PR (v/o): When Alice pass through Glinda's magic fireball and... Hey, what the heck that she tell the magic fireball?

Alice: But what are you? Are you a bird?

PR (v/o; as Alice): Are you a fire bird yet? I mean, a bird of fire! Is Osamu Tezuka wrote Phoenix? (an image of Phoenix (火の鳥, Hi no Tori) unfinished comic manga by Osamu Tezuka is shown) Well, practically unfinished.

(Alice runs back from the magic fireball, it turns into a puffy cloud consumed a fireball off and reveals a joker, Tom Fool)

PR (v/o): Then it turns into a puffy cloud, reveals Tom Fool, played by Townsend Coleman.

(a clip of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown)

Michelangelo: Whoa, that is weird.

(back to the movie)

Alice: Who are you?

Tom Fool: I'm Tom Fool, royal court jester and magician of her highness, the White Queen in the first square!

Alice: White Queen in the first square? That sounds like a chess game.

Tom Fool: This is Chessland!

Alice: Oh, good.

PR: Great Chess Land of Zill, let Pim (from the Felix the Cat movie) appear to be homage! (A mute clip of Pim hopping on either foot on a trash can is shown in the corner)

Alice: I'm Alice. I'm on from the other side of the looking glass.

Tom Fool: How about that?

Alice: Would you something show me around, please? Just tell me what to see.

Tom Fool: If you'll pardon me, I think I'll disappear again.

PR (v/o; as Tom Fool): No one ever appeared, I turned into a creepy clown again.

Tom Fool: I'll take you to the top of the hill, where you can see all the land.

Alice: Thank you.

PR (v/o): So, Alice follows Tom Fool where she is no longer to running for. Which Tom Fool could help him fast as she can; and... he actually singing a catchy song?! Please! Not another one!

Tom Fool (singing): Now running as fast you can--

PR (v/o): (groans) Are you kidding me?! Not if you don't singing enough anymore, I'll make a clown makeup off!

Tom Fool (singing): Now getting north and heading south is such an easy trick to learn, just don't forget before you get there in return.

PR: It's like Ned Washington's puke somehow mutated and started writing music!

PR (v/o): So Alice could help with Tom Fool, they discovered the white castle, looks like an eagle's nest. To meet the White Queen, played by A Bug's Life ' s Phyllis Diller, worth to be ugly design.

White Queen: Well, if you nab one, haul 'em in and we'll have a real ball.

PR: Oh, his voice looks like a wicked witch from Tales of the Wizard of Oz!

White Queen: I don't get a whole lot of laughs just sitting here looking at old fireball over there.

PR (as the White Queen): If only I had a real balls, my pretty. And you're a ugly jester, too. Oh, I was in Filmation's Happily Ever After with Snow White!

PR (v/o): Then Jester got to shown by the queen and he didn't have acrobatics and juggling, and he actually turned into a Hollywood sta-- WHAT?! He turning into a Hollywood stars?! What kind of pointless Hollywood stars what Little Lulu will get it?!

PR: Even Genie from a Disney version of Aladdin like...

Genie (voiced by PR): Are you out of your wish is my command? You snap out of those wishes! Now, GET OUT!

(back at the movie)

PR (v/o): So, Jester had a pointless magic trick revealed those crappy animals such as giraffes and mice; and still, it's pretty pointless, isn't it?

White Queen: Present him at once.

Alice: My name is Alice, your majesty. I'm not a boy, I'm a girl.

PR (as Alice mimicking Pinocchio): I'm on from the other side of the looking glass ‘til I met somebody. And I'm Tom Fool's conscience! But I want to become a real, live girl!

White Queen: You're wearing pants.

Alice: These are jeans.

PR (as Alice): And these are Little Nemo's jazama-pajamas!

Alice: Lots of girls wear jeans today, ma'am.

White Queen: Disgusting.

PR (as White Queen): These are not jeans, but these are frigging skirts, goddamn it!

White Queen: When I was your age, I wore beautiful frilly dresses, and my hair in a long braid down the back with a big bow.

PR: Well, let's see what Alice got falling down of this thing like...

(a briefly clip of Alice in Wonderland (1988) is shown where Alice began to fall in the rabbit hole as she shouts in high-pitch "Ohhhhhhh!!!!!" and back to PR; he watches as Alice falls to her apparent death followed by a quickly boom at offscreen)

PR: Diving bomb, I guess.

White Queen: What do you think of that, Flash?

PR (v/o): Well, maybe I can do make a new am-bastard-dor with...

(The White Queen whistles loudly as the King woke up as PR yelps in annoyance!)

The White King: Well, my dear, I feel...

PR (v/o): That king's voice like (a shot of...) Alice's adoptive father.

The White Queen: For a minute I thought you weren't ever breathing. Maybe we should make her the new prime minister.

PR: Well, that character from Toei's fairytale (a shot as mentioned to said this character, The Prime Minister from  The Wild Swans) looks like King Hubert worth.

Alice: I wanna be a queen. Tom told me. I have to go all the way from square one to square eight, with your permission.

The White Queen: It's not easy. You'll meet some loonies, not normal well-adjusted characters like us. There's some joker on this square five called Humpty Dumpty, flaky, a real air-head.

PR: Whoa, is that a character from The Pagemaster? (a shot of Humpty Dumpty from The Pagemaster is shown in the corner)

The White Queen: Wait till you get to square six and seven. You know all about dragons and krakens and griffins and hydras and ogres and gorgens?

PR (as The White Queen): Also all about... (v/o; a picture of...) dark feys and Nazguls and zombies and mummies and pygmies and vampires and Monstro and giants and King Kong and stegosauruses and brontosauruses and tyrannosauruses and two-legged lizards and cave serpents and pteranodon and styracosauruses and giant cave bears and nothosauruses and Skull islanders and vapor monsters and gwythaints and goblins and skeletons and deathless warriors and werewolves and creepers and bats and nightmare ooze and cave trolls and shadowfaxes and Watcher in the water and fellbeasts and giant spiders and balrogs and mumakils and orcs and Grendels and wargs and anglerfishes and stampeding wildebeests and sirens and demons and ghosts and pumpkinheads and scary clowns and mermaids and disfigured criminals and fallen warriors and fiery satyrs and harpies and incubuses and small imps and dragonlike demons?

The White Queen: Keep a close eye out for the Jabberwock, he's a real creep.

PR: That's a real creepy crawlies from (a shot of a girl from...) Alien of the Attic mentioned to said.

The White Queen: Let Tom Fool here take you to square two and show you the way. Now, be gone!

Alice: Thank you, your majesty!

PR (v/o): Well, that's a good speech. But Alice and Tom Fool discovers to the bottom of the gorge to square two.

Tom Fool: The first part of the trip is pretty easy; it gets harder the closer you get to square eight.

Alice: I'll make it.

Tom Fool: You look and act like a little girl, but to be a queen... you've got to look and act like nobility.

PR (v/o; as Tom Fool): Hmmm, nobility have no learn. Don't you believe it?

PR (v/o): So, Alice and Tom Fool have a catchy song is like Davy Jones sings "Man About Town" while the animals watch them but they didn't a nobility like to homage as the episode: (a shot between a one rabbit, squirrel, deer and a skunk from Ed Edd 'n Eddy is shown in the corner) "If It Smells Like an Ed", but the song isn't here to help them. And skip them down and then he had a magic trick to rain tumbling down and make it go away. And they received a rainbow, sliding them down and that a way to second square. (a shot of a words backwards "SECOND SQUARE" in a wooden sign) Yeah, was the sign covered a words got reverse?

Alice: Which way?

Tom Fool: The way the sign says.

Alice: What does it say?

Tom Fool: It says "SECOND SQUARE." It's in reverse.

PR: Say, what does give it to signed this episode "SECOND CHANCE"? (a shot of the episode's name from Batman: The Animated Series is shown in the corner)

Tom Fool: So, we have to go the opposite way the sign points.

Alice: Oh... It's very bewildering.

PR (as Alice): It's easy enough to give a point through the second chance what Two-Face had enough to kill them. I mean, what was that point?

PR (v/o): When Alice and Tom Fool and he asks him about she discovered through the pawn goes two squares, but this happens...

Alice: (notices bees buzzing) It's like thousands of giant bees buzzing.

PR (v/o): Yeah, don't you believe it? That annoyance can be heard what Mayzie McGrew said...

Mayzie McGrew: BEES?! Uh-oh.

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): So, they towards the Heffulump and Woozles stealing their honey flowers and... (in the upper, the arrow points to a production CEL lapse is shown of the top) Wait, is that a CEL animation can be lapse for this?

PR: That Disney-esque CEL animation can be create this pointless. Well, this is bad, wasn't it?

Alice: They must be elephants. I've been told-- I've seen.

Tom Fool: Don't believe everything you hear and only half of what you see.

Alice: All right. Then I believe they're half-bee and half-elephant.

PR (as Alice): And also I believe they're half-wasp and half-mawkish hog. That's gone to be mix-up!

PR (v/o): And they pass through into a last unicorns in Narnia and any centaurs with Booker Bradshaw.

Alice: I've never seen such creatures.

PR (v/o; as Alice): Such likely as a racial centaurs from Fantasia, I suppose.

Tom Fool: Hey, dude. How ya doin'?

Centaur: It's cool.

PR (as the centaur played by Booker Bradshaw): It's so much to be fun as their Africans. But it's racist!

Alice: I forgot to believe only half of what I see. You're the front end of a man and a horse's rear end.

Centaur: That's gross.

PR: Just like a stinky stuff.

PR (v/o): When Alice falls out of a centaur, she met Tom Fool to use the scepter and all of a sudden...

(Tom Fool use the scepter to calls the Pegasus in the sky, mimics Tarzan yell and "Whaa-hoo!" merged; PR looked weirdly confused)

PR: Hey, who gives the pointless where Tom Fool mimicking Tarzan yell and "Whaa-hoo!" merge yet. Just look what Michael Corleone said "Whoo-ha!" from the Godfather movies at many times.

PR (v/o): As if the driving thing flies off from the sky, and... who was that a driving thing is?

Alice: It's a bird. It's a plane.

PR: Don't you remember? (a briefly clip of Paramount's Superman is shown where the man says "It's Superman!" in the opening credits) No. Choose a different thing is...

(a briefly clip from Kiki's Delivery Service, showing Kiki flies)

PR (v/o): ...Kiki?

PR: Nah, snap out of an egg-stealer thing. (as a quickly clip where Kiki being attacked by crows is shown) But this sucks.

PR (v/o): I guess that answer is "It's Pegasus." You know, what Disney had Hercules' character from. But they flies through the gate to square three. And Alice bid farewell to Tom Fool and through Hogwarts Express where she sitting with the animals such including the goat, played by Clive Revill...

(a clip of The Thief and the Cobbler is shown, showing King Nod)

King Nod: THE BALLS ARE GONE!!!

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): ...and the famous racehorse, played by Hal Smith...

(a clip of Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day is shown, showing Owl)

Owl: ...that she laid a seagull egg by mistake. Ooh...

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): ...and a newspaper man, played by Will Ryan...

(a clip of The Land Before Time, showing Petrie)

Petrie: SHARPTOOTH!!!

(back to the movie)

PR (v/o): ... as they're sitting on the train.

Goat: But what are you?

Alice: I'm a girl.

Goat: How odd, I'm a goat. I'm the president of the railroad.

PR (v/o): That looks like a grayish Cranston goat.

Alice: Well... I don't believe I caught your name.

Horse: It's C. Biscuit. My first initial is C for Charlie. Charlie Biscuit.

PR (v/o): That voice looks like a Goofy.

Horse: I get all the yogurt I want free.

Alice: Wonderful.

Horse: I hate yogurt.

Alice: May I ask your name?

Newspaper Man: Post Gazette. Number one in circulation throughout the land.

PR: Gave a Post Gazette. What I want to give a video-gazette a cassette... (shows a VHS cover of the movie; v/o) Don't bought it now!

Newspaper Man: You're very rude, young lady. And you were very brazen about studying my financial section.

Alice: I didn't realize.

PR (v/o; as the newspaper man): There are no shame of comic books where Star Wars could handle it.

Newspaper Man: This silly train is going right past my station.

PR (v/o; as Alice): Throw you out of the window, and I'll see you throw me into the newspapers out.

(Alice throws the newspaper man folded and sit back on the station)

Newspaper Man: Thank you...!!!!!

PR (as Alice): Silly enough to throw them a newspapers out. And you'll guessed it out.

PR (v/o): When the train passing through the bumping fields and passing through the under the river; and... what is she looking at the window and seeing the glowing fishes from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? Well, that's using to see a different (public domain) versions... (a shot of a neon fishes from the 1954 version...) as a Disney version or a Burbank version can be choose enough.

(a clip of a Burbank version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is shown, showing the frog hopping through Ned over; back to the movie)

Alice: But I'm hoping to become a queen.

Goat: Why don't you go for the top spot and become a king?

Alice: Only a man can be a king.

Goat: That's politics for you.

PR (as Alice): Well, it's only an awfully good Disney-like movie can be The King an I. (a poster of The King and I is shown in the corner)

PR (v/o): So, they hop off from a train and Alice entered a dry landed boat and went through the far of the square four; even as the junkyard in the hot drier place.

Alice: (looked around at drier place) Well, I'm in square four such as it is.

PR (as Alice): Guess they have a busted out of a drier place until the Gotham's sea-level rise up against us.

(an image of the Gotham city in a sea level from The Batman (2022) is shown; with that said, as we go to the commercial. Alice towards through the square four to meet the Tweedledum and Tweedledee in the junkyard)

?????

Alice: I wonder... (to the audience) was it really a dream? (fades to black)

PR: (looked very shocked) A dream? That's a "dream" word at the end? This movie’s completely weird.

(Clips from the movie play again as PR speaks)

PR (v/o): It follows every adventure in the book, the characters are stale, both feeling good and bad, even the girl discovers get a little old after a while. The only thing that’s kind of half-rotten, which actually do look pretty realistic. But as you would guess, it’s not best waiting through them. What else can you say about it except “’Alice Through the Looking Glass’ is freakin’ weird out!”?

PR: And if you ever do come across this book by Lewis Carroll, why don’t you go ahead and give him this movie? (He brings out the DVD box for “Alice Through the Looking Glass [1987]" (2006)) I’m sure they need something to make that bad version of girl out of! (He slams the DVD box onto his desk) I’m the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't! (He gets up to leave)

Tagline - Alice: Are you a bird?