Conquest of the Commercials (The Private Reviewer)

Kiki's Delivery Service Trailer (1998)
(The trailer for Kiki's Delivery Service starts playing from Buena Vista Home Video which Warner Bros. gotta do secure this crap.)

Announcer (Mark Elliot): Come along on a ride you'll never forget...

PR (vo): Oh, great. You ever look at an ad for a movie and say, "Screw Disney. I'm gonna have to look at this for a few months"?

Announcer: Coming to video for the very first time.

PR (vo): The manager who gave us some of the greatest Miyazaki's animated movies of all time says, "You know what? Maybe Warner Brothers was on to something secure to HBO Max itself."

Announcer: Kiki's Delivery Service. It's a journey of friendship... and courage...

PR (vo; annoyed, as clips focus on Kiki): Oh, I'm just waiting for Chihiro to discovered that Spirited Away, or Ponyo saying "HAM!", or Satsuki from My Neighbor Totoro to lost his sister! (A caption of what he says next covers the screen.) HAYAO MIYAZAKI UP THIS HAYAO MIYAZAKI FILM!

PR: And I know what you're thinking, "Am I being a little too hard on an animation legend?" Well, if he has a problem with it, he can tell me himself! (The TV changes the channel to show the Steve Alpert himself, I kid you not, folding his arms, scowling, and staring silently at PR, who becomes stunned silent. There is silence for a few moments before PR speaks.) Steve Alpert? (Alpert remains scowlingly silent. PR's stunned tone soon explodes into joy.) Oh, my glob! I AM THE BIGGEST FAN EVER!! Oh, my glob! Steve Alpert's looking at me right now! Spirited Away is one of my favorite all-time movies! My Neighbor Totoro, where he's just like, "This was fun!" That boy right there! Look to the left! Ponyo, oh, my God! Before John Lasseter was a swear word, that was, like, the most unbelievable thing! You're like, "I want a good movie about the relaxable!" YOU ARE AMAZING! And what are you doing right now?

Steve Alpert: Just waiting. I want to see what you're gonna do.

PR: (beat) What? (Alpert resumes being silent and looking at PR) Oh, I see. Because I made fun of some of your work in the past, you're giving me the silent treatment, huh? (Alpert remains silent.) Okay, all right. I'm not gonna be intimidated by a film giant like you. You gonna give me the silent treatment? I can give you the exact same thing back. (Both PR and Alpert stare silently at each other for a few long moments, before PR starts to crack and become nervous.) Knock-knock. (Alpert remains silent.) Oh, come on, it's the law. You have to say "Who's there?". (Alpert remains silent. PR starts talking to himself.) Knock-knock. Who's there? Yugo. Yugo who? You go BYE-BYE! (Changes the channel, but Alpert is on the other channel. PR tries again, but Alpert is again on the other channel. Every time PR changes the channel, Alpert appears on each channel, with every change resulting in several close-ups of Alpert.) How are you doing that?! (PR changes the channel again, again to no avail, as Alpert appears on that one.) Aaah! One of these buttons has to work! What's this one do? (He changes the channel, going into a commercial break. After the commercial, Alpert again appears on a channel.) Aaah!!

(He changes the channel, which shows the next commercial.)

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(Alpert appears on another channel!)

PR: DARN IT, YOU DEVIL!!

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(Alpert appears on another channel.)

PR: JEEZ! YOU PSYCHO!

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(????? only to once again see Alpert still staring at him. PR screams again and changes to the next commercial.)

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(Alpert stares at PR one last time.)

PR: OKAY! I'm done! I'm sorry! I'm sorry about all the things I've said about you! Just STOP GIVING ME THAT GLARE!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT! ANYTHING AT ALL! JUST STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE HORRIBLE STEVE ALPERT-Y EYES!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????!!!

To Be Continued Next Week...

(Credits roll)

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