Will the Real Kermit Please Stand Up? transcript

Prologue: The Muppet Theater/The Wizard of Oz production
Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Wait, come back, Mr. Wizard, don't leave without me!"
 * Miss Piggy is Dorothy
 * Foo-Foo is Toto
 * Scooter is the Scarecrow
 * Gonzo is the Tin Critter
 * Fozzie is the Cowardly Lion
 * Kermit is the Wizard
 * Annie Sue Pig is Glinda
 * Denise is Aunt Em
 * Link Hogthrob is Uncle Henry

Kermit/Wizard: "I can't come back, Dorothy, I don't know how this thing works, goodbye, my good friends!"

The hot air balloon disappears in a distance (backstage).

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Oh dear, I'll never get back home now."

Scooter/Scarecrow: "Look, Dorothy, here comes somebody who can help you out."

Annie Sue Pig/Glinda appears right in front of them.

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Will you take me back home to Kansas, please?"

Annie Sue Pig/Glinda: "Of course I can, Dorothy, but 1st you must say goodbye to your good friends."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Goodbye, Tin Critter, now don't weep, you'll rust dreadfully."

Gonzo/Tin Critter: "Now I know I got my heart even though it's breaking."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "Goodbye, Cowardly Lion, I'm gonna miss the way you used to call for help right before you found your courage of comedy and laughter."

Fozzie/Cowardly Lion: "Well I wouldn't have found it, Dorothy, if it wasn't for you."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "And goodbye to you as well, Scarecrow, we did good together as always."

Scooter/the Scarecrow nods his head in agreement.

Annie Sue Pig/Glinda: "Are you ready to go back home to Kansas right now?"

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: [Clapping Heals 3 Times] "Take me back home to Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, take me back home to them."

The scenery switches from Oz to the Kansas farm lands.

Denise/Aunt Em: "Oh, Dorothy, we're so relieved you're safe and secure."

Link Hogthrob/Uncle Henry: "We thought we would never see you again."

Miss Piggy/Dorothy: "I'm never leaving here again at all."

The closing curtain begins.

Kermit: "Okay, everybody, that's our show, let's all head on down to Don Rickles Memorial State Park.

Fade to a black screen.......

[Theme Tune Music In Background]

Kermit: "It's time to get things started again."

[Short Version Of The Muppet Show Theme Tune In Background]

Scene 1: Don Rickles Memorial State Park
Kermit: "Oh boy, it sure is nice and beautiful out here."

Fozzie: "It sure is peaceful as well."

Gonzo: "I sure do believe in the nature of John Denver's memories."

Constantine (off screen): "You'll believe in anything than that."

Scooter: "Hey, Kermit, isn't that your evil counterpart, Constantine over there?"

Kermit: "Good grief, it's him!"

Constantine: "When you're all tied up and gagged, Kermit, I'm gonna take control of everything in the Muppet Theater."

Kermit: "That's not gonna happen this time, Constantine, mark my words!"

Miss Piggy: "What an idiot frog."

Rowlf: "We can't let him get away with anything, we must try and capture him."

Scooter: "I got an idea, we'll keep track of him wherever he goes."

Miss Piggy: "Good thinking."

Kermit: "Alright, everybody, let's keep a sharp eye out for constantine's location spots."

The Muppet friends walk around and keep a sharp eye out for Constantine's location spots.

Walter: "Look, you guys, he's right by the donut shop!"

Kermit: "There he is!"

Animal: "Get him!"

The Muppet friends continue chasing Constantine down, but unfortunately, Kermit gets tied up and taken away.

Fozzie: "Kermit!"

Constantine: "To the boarding house we go."

Kermit: "You'll regret this!"

Constantine rides off on his evil motor-bike with a tied up Kermit on his way to the Muppet Family Boarding house.

Gonzo: "He's got Kermit as his prisoner!"

Walter: "We must go and rescue him right away!"

Miss Piggy: "Right, let's go then!"

The 25 Muppet friends head on down on their way back to the Muppet Family Boarding House.

Scooter: "We better hurry up and get to Kermit right before Constantine puts words of hate and poison right into his mind!"

Scene 2: Back Home in the Muppet Family Boarding House
Kermit: "Somebody please get me outta here this instant!"

The 25 Muppet friends arrive to Kermit's rescue.

Miss Piggy: "Not so fast!"

Walter: "I got a few questions that only the real Kermit can answer."

Constantine: "Don't listen to him, he's my stage rival."

Kermit: "Don't listen to him, he's obviously just an evil frog enemy!"

Walter: "Question number 1: What time does the Muppet Theater open?"

Kermit: "4:32 PM."

Walter: "Correct, question number 2: what is your biggest fear of all times?"

Kermit: "Being taken off television."

Walter: "Correct again, question number 3: Who was the worst Muppet movie villain character in Muppet movie history?"

Kermit: "Doc Hopper, compared to Rachel Bitterman."

Walter: "Correct, question number 4: What will yours and Piggy's kids be in your married years?"

Kermit: "A little pink male frog or a little green female pig."

Walter: "Correct again, 5th and final question: What is your most favorite pizza and pasta place?"

Kermit: "Pizza Cabin."

Walter: "Correct again, now, Detective Rodney, come right over here and identify who the real Kermit is."

Detective Rodney: "Well, you guys, as your mystery detective, I say that the real Kermit is the 1 who's tied up in this chair."

Kermit: "Finally, somebody remembered the real me and came to my rescue."

Rizzo: "In yo' face, Constantine!"

Detective Rodney: "Officers, arrest this evil frog, please."

The 2 Whatnot police officers arrest Constantine to take him to the jail tower.

Constantine: "I wouldn't have gotten away with it if those meddling Muppet friends haven't been involved!"

The police car drives off on their way to the jail tower.

Kermit: "Good job, you guys, you finally made the right decision."

Fozzie: "I know we did."

Gonzo: "It wouldn't be the exact same without you here."

Scooter: "We're never leaving home without the Kermit we know and love."

Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, I really appreciate it, I promise not to run into anymore trouble again."

Fade to a black screen....

Voice Performers Credits
Matt Vogel as Kermit, Rizzo and Constantine (voices)

Eric Jacobson as Miss Piggy, Fozzie and Animal (voices)

Dave Goelz as Gnzo, Beauregard and Chip (voices)

Peter Linz as Walter (voice)