Deadpool (Marvel;Re 2021)/Issue 1

Transcript
It begins with Deadpool sitting at his apartment looking at the rain. He sighs as suddenly he hears a knock as he opens the door and sees Blind Al. She leaves the room. He checks as it says the 28th. He opens his phone and enters an app as he scrolls through multiple merc jobs as he soon finds one.
 * Deadpool: Of course it's raining. What is this? A Tom King book?
 * Deadpool: Blind Al! Are you here to keep me company?
 * Blind Al: No Wade, I am here to tell you that you've been avoiding paying rent. You'll have to pay if you want to stay here.
 * Deadpool: What?! But I'm a superhero!
 * Blind Al: You're a mercenary.
 * Deadpool: Touché. But can you make an exception for me?
 * Blind Al: No.
 * Deadpool: Okay fine, Al. I'll play your game. How much money do I owe?
 * Blind Al: 250 grand.…
 * Deadpool: That's not too bad.
 * Blind Al: But plus interest… that makes it 500K.
 * Deadpool: HALF A MILLION?! I am not made of fucking money Al!
 * Blind Al: You have til the end of the month.
 * Deadpool: Okay, the end of the month. That's good. Wait… what day is this?
 * Deadpool: Three days. Of course. Jesus fucking Christ, I hate landlords. I guess I should check Mercs For Money.


 * Deadpool: Huh, this guy is shilling out 250K. Sure. That'll be helpful.

It cuts to a warehouse as Shade is standing over a teenage girl as Deadpool comes in and notices it. He flies into the girl's body grins. He, in the teenage girl's body, begins giving a bunch of punches to Wade. Wade keeps on getting punched and punched as suddenly he notices a vacuum cleaner in the warehouse. He quickly runs to the vacuum cleaner, kicking the possessed teenager away as he grabs the cleaner and plugs it in. He shoves the vacuum cleaner into the girl's mouth, removing Shade from her, causing the teenager to pass out. He chuckles to himself as he walks from the scene. It cuts to a dark room as Deadpool enters, holding the vacuum cleaner as is sitting waiting. He sighs and walks out of the Sanctum. It cuts to Deadpool arriving at the warehouse and finding the teenager gone.
 * Deadpool: Hi, are you Shade?
 * Shade: Leave me alone.
 * Deadpool: You know, I didn't expect you to be a ghost.
 * Shade: I am not a ghost.
 * Deadpool: What are you trying to do with this teenager, Casper?
 * Shade: I need a human body to live on this plane physically.
 * Deadpool: So you are a ghost.
 * Shade: I AM NOT A GHOST!!
 * Deadpool: Of course, you're forcing me to fight a minor.
 * Shade: Oh, you’re afraid of minors?
 * Deadpool: I have a no minors kill rule. Everyone else is cool but not minors. That's wrong.
 * Shade: Good.
 * Deadpool: Who ya gonna call?
 * Deadpool: Deadpool.
 * Hellstrom: I assume that vacuum cleaner is Shade?
 * Deadpool: Yes. I didn't know I was working for the son of Satan.
 * Hellstrom: I am not the son of Satan.
 * Deadpool: Whatever.
 * Hellstrom: Where is the body of the teenager?
 * Deadpool: Passed out in a warehouse. She'll probably wake up soon.
 * Hellstrom: You didn't kill her?
 * Deadpool: Wait, I was supposed to kill her?
 * Hellstrom: Did you even read the message?
 * Deadpool: Kinda? Wait why are you wanting me to kill a minor?
 * Hellstrom: SHE IS DESTINED TO BE HUMAN VESSEL OF SHUMA GORATH!
 * Deadpool: Oh, why don't you kill her yourself?
 * Hellstrom: You think the Avengers would be down with me killing a minor? I mean sure, I am a demon but I don't want to wreck my reputation.
 * Deadpool: And my relationship with the Avengers is already rocky because I fucked Iron Man's wife.
 * Hellstrom: Wait, you what?
 * Deadpool: She was drunk.
 * Hellstrom: And you weren't?
 * Deadpool: I have a healing factor, remember? So yes, I fucked a drunk woman.
 * Hellstrom: You're the horniest superhuman alive.
 * Deadpool: I'm sure She-Hulk is hornier than me. She's probably fucking Hercules right now.
 * Hellstrom: Why Hercules?
 * Deadpool: She is on an Avengers team with Ant-Man, Wasp, Hercules, Spider-Woman, Vision and Moon Knight. Ant-Man is in a rocky relationship, Vision is a robot plus married and Moon Knight is mentally ill. Hercules makes sense.
 * Hellstrom: When has this talk devolved into talking about horny superheroes? Just kill the teenager and you'll be paid.
 * Deadpool: Fine. Moral codes are lame anyways.
 * Hellstrom: Why was it him who answered my request?


 * Deadpool: If I was a demon possessed teenager, where would I be?

It cuts to a montage of Deadpool in the arcade playing a bunch of arcade games as he exits the Arcade.


 * Deadpool: She wasn't in the arcade. I'm out of ideas.

He walks outside and sees the teenager, now filled with demonic energy destroying downtown.


 * Deadpool: Oh… Hi Miss Shuma Gorath!

The teenager turns at him.


 * Claire: My name is Claire dumbass! I woke up, found these demonic powers and now I believe everyone is beneath me!
 * Deadpool: Of course you have an idiotic villain origin story. Well, I'm to kill you.
 * Claire: Didn't you say that you don't kill minors?
 * Deadpool: About that… I decided that morals are overrated. So even if you are a baby, I'm gonna kill you.

Claire growls and summons ten tentacles as they wrap around Deadpool.


 * Deadpool: Oooh hentai.
 * Claire: You're gross!
 * Deadpool: So are tentacles.

He grabs his blade and slices off one of the tentacles as Claire shrieks.


 * Claire: IT HURTS! IT HURTS! FUCK YOU!

She summons hundreds upon hundreds of tentacles as Deadpool grabs his phone and turns on "We Built This City" as he begins dance fighting, dodging the tentacles and then slicing.


 * Claire: What are you doing?
 * Deadpool: Every great action movie ends with an epic finale battle in tune to a popular song from the 80s.
 * Claire: No movie does that.
 * Deadpool: Shrek 2 did. So got em.

He continues dodging the tentacles and slicing them as suddenly, Claire throws a house at him.


 * Deadpool: Not fair!

He opens the door and jumps into the house, running through falling furniture and then jumping out of the window, holding his katana up as he flings towards Claire.


 * Claire: Shit.

The katana stabs Claire in the head as she collapses to the ground as all of the tentacles vanish.


 * Deadpool: Yay, I did it.

It cuts to the dark place as Deadpool throws Claire's dead body to Hellstrom.


 * Deadpool: Here. Now pay up, Satan's love child.
 * Hellstrom: I am not Satan's love child.
 * Deadpool: Just give me the cash.
 * Hellstrom: Okay fine.

He hands Deadpool a check.


 * Deadpool: Why didn't you just use PayPal?
 * Hellstrom: Just take the cash. You were the one nagging about it.
 * Deadpool: Fine.

He walks off.


 * Deadpool: (narrating) And due to having no idea where to go next, the issue ends.

The issue ends.