Wooden Western

The story takes place back in the wild, wild west or the American Frontier, in the year of 1888 or -112 BH. Nate Harlow and his partner, the first patriarch of the Dixmor clan, Jacques Dixmor have found gold in a cavern in Bear Mountains called Fallen Creek, the former hideout of a Dutch bandit and his Indian gang. The two men buy a pair of matching, ornamented revolvers with gold carved into the hilts to celebrate their new found wealth and the revolvers are so powerful they can cut off limbs n' shit.

Meanwhile, Manny Wide, a simple wooden boy like Pinocchio, grew up in the Umpqua forest in Oregon surrounded by family and friends. One day, evil loggers came and killed all of his loved ones. Poor Mr. Wide found himself trapped as a target dummy in a gunsmith's store. However, when Nate arrived to the gunsmith's to reget the bullets for his Scorpion, he took a pity to littel Wide and asked the gunsmith to release him and Nate promised he'll take care of him as his own son. Hell, he'll serve as a brother to Red Chatan Harlow, Nathaniel's son. The gunstore owner barely noticed that Manny was in fact alive, sentient and had feelings (just like plants) and apologised for his bad treatment of the wooden doll. "Pardon me, but I didn't realise the thing was alive." Nate said it's aight and took Manny home. "It's ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALLLL-IVE!!!" Nate was happy.

Jacques Dixmor is captured shortly after when trying to cross the border bridge to Mexico from US by the Mexican army led by Espizona and Allende, and is condemned to be shot as a spy by Espi. "No, no, NO! I'm not a spy! I'm a businessman! I habe gold! LOTS OF GOLD!" Allende laughs and proclaims Dixmor a liar, but Jacques then complies that the Mexican soldiers should check his pockets for he has gold nuggets in 'em and is telling the truth after all. Allende is shocked, but visibly happy. "It's lots of gold! More gold than you've ever seen! A gold cave! And it's over in the territory in West Vagina. Spare my life and I'll give u half." He offers to give the Coronel, Agustin Allende, half of the gold in Bear Mountains if he spares his life. When Allende asks why shouldn't he take all of it, "I want all of it!" Jacques states that due to him only owning half the claim, his partner would have to be killed in order for Allende to receive the other half. The Colonel agrees and sends his right-hand, Espizona, to take care of Nate while Jacques will tell these news to the Mayor of Brimstone, Grimm Griffon, who is the third claim holder of the golden caverns.

Nate comes home from his trip, but his actual son is off living with his cuisine and the Red Wolves (the tribe his mother belonged to) and Nate reunites with his family, his wife Falling Star and Manny Wide the dummy, bearing gifts and news of their bright future ahead of them. The wooden man is impressed by his father's new Scorpion, and asks about the location of the second. Nathaniel then refuses to tell Manny about the other one, he instead hands Manny his old revolver to go practice with down by the river or creek while him and Star will head in for dinner. A few minutes later, outlaws attack the homestead and set the cabin alight. A furious gunfight ensues, with father and wooden, fake son holding their own against waves of enemies. It ends in vain however, as Nate and his wife are killed both with one shot to the stomach. As Manny mourns over his father, Espi appears and mocks Manny, calling his father a coward. "He's better off dead, gringo! He would serve well in the cowards' war, jajajaja!". In rage, Wide reaches out for his padre's weapon, which is engulfed in flames. He cries in anger as he fires a single round into Espizona, shooting off the Cap'n's left arm. "Arrrghaaaha... AHHH!" Manny manages to escape, hiding as Espizona and the remaining outlaws ride away, one of which was Smitty.

13 or 12 years later, Manny lives as a bounty hunter forcing local criminals to eat some justice "I serve justice! So eat it!". As he aimlessly wanders the desserts alongside his dog, he comes across Twin Rocks, a local hideout for a small-time gang of thieves and killers led by Bloody Tom and his bleedin' boys. Here, he meets a Curly Jew guy named Curly Shaw, a trader of weapons and goods, cowering under his wagon. He informs Manny that the bandits have stolen most of his supplies but he can still manage to sell Manny the following: Bowie knives, Whiskey bottle, Open sign, poncho and a burnt guncase. Two men then approach, throwing Curly to the ground. After threatening the salesmen, they challenge Manny into a gunfight. Wide easily dispatches them both before the rest of the gang shows and he kills them all, including the snipers on the cocks. Bloody Tom and the Whitneys then come out of their shacks and attack Manny. "I'm gonna make... mincemeat out of you." Manny kills 'em all, then heads to Widow's Palace to meet with Paul O'Grady, hoping to claim bounty on the men. As he reaches the town, he finds it to be rundown and taken over by the Ugly Gang which is led by "Ugly" Chris Bailey. Manny sees that he will have some streetcleaning to do and the first Uglies who go after him are "Twiggy" Phelps, Varmin Kang and that officer known as Chicken. "Die, boy! Die!" taunts Chicken but Manny kills him as well. Three snipers then appear on the roof of the General Store, Undertaker's and Delmonico's Diner but they are all shot as well by Wide. Wide then faces off against Hedgehog Thornton and his goons, before being challenged to a duel in front of the Saloon & Hotel by "Whiskey" Treadwell. Manny defeats Treadwell "Oouughh, you... bastard!" and is then confronted on the porch of the restaurant by Gigolo Hancock. "I'M LOOKIN' AT A DEAD MAN!" Yells Gigolo as he pulls out his twin revolvers to attack Manny, butt Manny defeats him as well. Finally, Ugly Chrissy comes out of the Sheriff's office and uses poor O'Grady as his steel shield. "His dotter won't like it if ya plug him! *Farts*" Chris says as he controls O'Grady but Manny uses his TNT to kill off Chris and injure O'Grady a littel. Seeing he'll get his reward once the Sheriff is healed, the two set for Brimstone in Mississippi where Sheriff Paul O'Grady will see a doc while Manny will get rewards from Sheriff Bartlett.

TBA...