What if DreamWorks Pictures/DreamWorks Animation was founded in 1934?/Shrek/Transcript

Scene 1
(DreamWorks Pictures logo)

(The film opens with the opening credits starting as "DreamWorks Pictures presents" and "A PDI/DreamWorks production". A storybook opens to reveal its story as the voice-over narrator reads)

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a young ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty place, but he was happy because ogres like nasty. On his 17th birthday, the teenage ogre and his parents sat down to talk, just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before, telling him about he was ready to take his own way, warning him that because of his looks, humans will hate him. Ahh, I know it’s sad, very sad, but ogres are used to that – the hardships, the indignities. And so the young ogre went on his way and found a perfectly rancid swamp far away from civilization. And whenever a mob came along to attack him he knew exactly what to do, scaring them away. Meanwhile, there was also an princess who had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by true love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

Shrek: (voice-over; laughs and rips off a page) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of -

Narrator: Hey! I was narrating it!

Shrek: (voice-over) Ah, shut up.

(''We cut outside where we heard the noise toilet flushing coming inside the outhouse, before a green ogre, named Shrek, whom turns was been reading the book at the intro while he was using his toilet, comes out. He happily looks around a swamp, which happens to be his own home, where it contains a hill with a dead tree on top, which is his house. The title "Shrek" show up and the list of well-known voice actors who involved in the film, while Shrek starts on for his happy and peaceful quality time around his swamp home, such as taking his mud bath, bushing his teeth with slug slime before smiling at the mirror until it breaks to pieces, catching fish from the lake as he uses his fart, catching giant slugs from the mud, and paints the warning signs to keep everybody away from his property. Meanwhile, we cut to an nearly village where an group of angry mobs plans to hunt Shrek for his death and grabs their torches, pitchforks, and other weapons before heading of to Shrek's swamp. We cut back to Shrek where he's seen eating his evening meal in his house. We cut to another scene where the group of mobs sending off across the fields to the swamp forest. We cut to another scene where Shrek uses his burp to light a fire to his fireplace. We cut to another where men lights up their own torches. We cut to the part where Shrek devours a slug and relaxes on his chair. As the group angry men trespasses Shrek's swamp, Shrek overhears the shouts and peaks outside the window to see them coming towards to his property. So he sneaks out and quietly follows them along, while the song "All-Star" sung by Smash Mouth plays all throughout the scene. As the song ends, one of the men looks through the pond grass to Shrek's house'')

Mob#1: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Mob#2: (halts him after one of the mobs was about to charge) Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Mob#3: Yeah. It'll grind your bones for its bread.

(Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs)

Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. We, ogres, are a bit more sadistic. We'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. We'll shave your liver and squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Mob#1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (he waves the torch at Shrek)

(Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly, the men roar loudly back. His long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark)

Shrek: (whispering) This is the part where you run away. (the men scramble to run away. He laughs) And stay out! (he looks down and picks up a piece of paper and reads it) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." (he sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder and to the floor)

(It cuts to the next morning. There is a line of fairy tale creatures being arrested. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. We see Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, the Seven Dwarves, Geppetto and Pinocchio, the Fox and the Three Little Pigs)

Guard: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

Guard: (taking a witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over! (breaks the broom in half)

Head Guard: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

Guard: Get up! Come on! Sit down there! Be quiet!

Alma: (being taken away by guards along with Elefriend) Aah! Let me go! That's not groovy, you big creep! Elefriend, please help!

Elefriend: Gee, I don't know how I can help, Alma.

Guard: Shut up and get moving you two!

(We see a donkey simply named Donkey fearly seeing around the place. He then sees Goldy Locks and the Three Bears locked in cages)

Little Bear: (in a cage crying) This cage is too small.

Goldy: Why I'm here? I didn't do nothing.

Donkey: (to his elderly female owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Woman: Oh, shut up! (jerks his rope)

Donkey: Oh.

Head Guard: Next! (Geppetto places Pinocchio and the Fox on a table) What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet and this swindler fox.

Fox: Ah, shut up, grandpa. You're turning me in due to I tricked your son twice or what?! Besides, this fat couchman hired me for trying to carring kids to him, so I had a reason for the second tim...

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows, almost hits the Fox)

Fox: Hey! Watch it, you dummy!

Head Guard: Five shillings for the possessed toy and 40 pieces of gold for the talking fox. (to another guard) Take them away.

Pinocchio: (the guard takes him away) Papa, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! I swear I'll behave!

Fox: (to himself) I despised my life.

(Geppetto takes the money and walks off)

Head Guard: Next. What have you got?

(The old woman steps up to the table)

Old Woman: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Head Guard: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Woman: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey just looks up at her)

Head Guard: Well?

Old Woman: Oh, oh, he's just... he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (threats to Donkey) Talk, you boneheaded dolt...!

Head Guard: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Woman: No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Head Guard: Get her out of my sight.

Old Woman: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

(The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly)

Donkey: Hey! I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Three little pigs: He can fly!

Head Guard: He can talk?!

Donkey: (taunting) Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground and lands with a thud)

Head Guard: Seize him! (Donkey takes of running) After him!

Guards: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

(Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek)

Head Guard: You there. Ogre.

Shrek: Aye?

Head Guard: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

(Shrek looks behind the guard and the guard turns to see that all other men have deserted him. The guard runs off, too. Shrek begins walking back to his cottage. Donkey follows.)

Scene 2
Donkey: (to Shrek) Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to... (he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him) Whoa!

Donkey: Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? (he walks off leaving Donkey)

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. (he gallops to catch up with Shrek) You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together, we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

(For a moment, Shrek turns to Donkey and bursts his roar at him trying to scare him away, but nothing)

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! (As Shrek continues to leave Donkey to move on, Donkey, on a log bridge, sneaks up in front of Shrek's face) You almost burned  the hair outta my nose, just like the time... (Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. (singing) ♪'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, but you gotta have faith...♪

Shrek: Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You know-"grab your torch and pitchforks". Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's you name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and see Shrek's cottage) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Shrek walks past all the “keep out” & “beware” signs he has erected) I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you, please?

Shrek: (sarcastically) Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. At least, you gotta let me stay for a night! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)

Shrek: What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair) No! No!

Donkey: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: (angry) Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: (irritated) Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek angrilly slams the door after Donkey sadly walks outside) (sighs) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone... there's no one here besides me...

Scene 3
(At night, Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff)

Shrek: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside.

Donkey: (from a window) I am outside.

(There is another noise and Shrek turns. He sees several shadows moving. He finally sees Poppy, Branch and the Three Blind Mice on his table)

Blind Mouse#1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Blind Mouse#2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Blind Mouse#3: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Gotcha.

(Shrek grabs the mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder)

Blind Mouse#3: I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) Blah! Awful stuff.

Poppy: I'm not sure about this place. There is a ogre and I don't think he...

Shrek: Enough! (grabs the 3 mice, Poppy and Branch) What are you doing in my house? (Gets bumped from behind so he drops the mice and the two trolls. Turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

(Shrek marches into the bedroom. He throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is lying in bed while Alma and Elefriend play cards with Goldy Locks and the Goat Kids)

Alma: Hey there, Mr. Ogre, sir. Care for playing cards with us?

Elefriend: Yeah! We're play...

Slimmy Goat Kid: (to Shrek) Do you mind? Can you please give us some privacy?

Girly Goat Kid: Slimmy! Mind your matters, sheesh!

Big Bad Wolf: (to Shrek) What?

(Shrek drags the Wolf to his front door by his collar)

Shrek: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?! (opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land) Oh, no. No! No! (sees various fairy tale creatures such as the Three Bears, Pied Piper with rats, elves, fairies, witches and a few characters from previous DreamWorks animated films) WHAT ARE DOING IN MY SWAMP?! (this echoes and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around from those fairytales creatures. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent) All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey)

Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, Shrek. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, nobody invited us.

Shrek: What?

Alma: (from a window) Well, we were forced to come here.

Shrek: (flabbergasted) By whom?

Little pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he... signed an eviction notice.

Goldy: It's no fair.

Elefriend: Yeah, he's not even friendly to us.

Poppy: Not to mention that we can't go back due to Farquaad will have us executed.

Shrek: (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

(Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers)

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? (to Alma) You, four-eyes. Do you?

Alma: (shakes her head) Mm-mmm. Sorry, man.

Shrek: (to Elefriend) How about you peanut breathe, do you where's that Farquaad character?

Elefriend: (laughs awkwardly) I know him, but I don't where he is, green fella.

(Shrek turns to Poppy)

Poppy: Sorry. I don't know either.

Shrek: (to other fairytale characters) Okay, anyone at all?

Donkey: (hopping) Me! Me!

Shrek: Anyone?

Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

March Hare: (to Shrek) Why won't you take that donkey with you, he's obviously knows where can guide you away for that no-good ruler.

The Mad Hatter: Yeah, besides, we want him since he's an annoying loud-mouth jackass.

(Burro glares at the Mad Hatter)

Mad Hatter: Not you, Burro, the other donkey who hops around.

Shrek: (about Donkey to the fairytale characters) No, why would I do that?

Goldy: Please, ogre sir. Give that donkey chance.

Goat Kids: Yeah, come on, Mr. Ogre.

Alma: Besides, he is being annoying.

Shrek: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale creatures. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd cheers)

Bre'r Rabbit: Yee-haw!

Alma: Groovy! (to Shrek) I know you could help us.

Elefriend: Yeah! As soon you'll take care of Farquaad, we'll be free!

Shrek: (sarcastically) Yeah, yeah, I know that. Whatever. (the birds places a layer of flowers onto Shrek) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! (singing) ♪On the road again.♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. (singing) ♪I can't wait to get on the road again.♪

Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right, hum it.

(Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again')

Scene 1
(Meanwhile, the scene cuts to a masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. As short ruler, Lord Farquaad walks in)

Farquaad: That's enough. He's ready to talk.

(The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered)

Farquaad: (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them, taunting the Gingerbread Man) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the Gingerbread Man! Gingerbread Man: You are a monster!

Farquaad: I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?

Gingerbread Man: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye)

Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you, you talking cookie. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll... (he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)

Gingerbread Man: No, please! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Farquaad: All right then. Who's hiding them?

Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?

Farquaad: The Muffin Man?

Gingerbread Man: Yes. The Muffin Man.

Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man, who lives on Drury Lane? Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.

Farquaad: The Muffin Man?

Gingerbread Man: (sobs) THE MUFFIN MAN!!

Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man. You know, little cookie, I don't mean to offend you but you're make any sense at all. (to the masked man) Thelonius, dunk him again.

Thelonius: Yes, your highness.

Gingerbread Man: Oh no! Not again!

(But being interrupted by Faraquaad's guards who walks through the door)

Guard: My lord, we found it.

Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

(More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror) Gingerbread Man: (in awe) Ohhhh...

Farquaad: Magic mirror...

Gingerbread Man: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid) Oh!

Farquaad: Let's forgot about the other fairy tale creatures hiding around the kingdom. (turns to a few guards) Bring that cookie to the swamp. (turns to the Mirror) Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king. Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius? (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist) You were saying? Mirror: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Farquaad: Go on.

Mirror: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a Kingdom Far, Far Away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Guards:Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

Farquaad: Three? One? Three?

Thelonius: Three! (but holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!

Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

(The guards cheers as the song "Escape" by Rupert Holmes is played in the background) Farquaad: Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Farquaad: I'll do it.

Mirror: Yes, but after sunset...

Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.

Scene 2
(Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 floors high.)

TBD