Jay and Silent Bob Into the Crossverse

Jay and Silent Bob Into the Crossverse is a live-action/animated comedy crossover film.

Cast

 * Jay and Silent Bob
 * Vanessa
 * Chief Norman Malone
 * Dante Hicks
 * Randal Graves
 * Brodie Bruce
 * TS Quint
 * Dudley Duncan/Dr. Ditto
 * Skittles
 * Jawsaw
 * Punch
 * Tarantula
 * Mirena
 * Werebbids

Transcript
View Askewniverse

9:00 PM

(Bert Bunny is watching TV and drinking a beer. There's a shadow lurking around the house, and then Bert Bunny thinks he hears someone and turns around to look out the window. He doesn't see anything so shrugs his shoulders and goes back to watching his show. Then, a hooded figure breaks in and attacks Bert Bunny.)

Six weeks later

(A bird is flying peacefully through the sky and hits on the sign saying "Welcome to Ficville". It fades to Jay and Silent Bob selling weed at the Kwik-E-Mart.)

Jay: You wanna get hiiigh? Come see your pals Jay and Silent Bob! Only $20 to party. *to Silent Bob* I gotta feeling this would be a good place, Silent Bob. We'll be raking in the dough.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Otto: *walks up* Hey, Otto needs to get blotto.

Jay: You've come to the right place. $20.

Otto: Sweet! *hands him $20*

Jay: *hands him a bag of weed*

Otto: Pleasure doing business, man.

Jay: See ya next time.

Otto: *leaves*

Stewie and Brian: *goes into the Kwik-E-Mart to get a Squishee*

Apu: Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.

Stewie: Uh, welcome to America?

Apu: Thank you! I like America!

Brian: Why you gotta do that?

Stewie: Do what?

Brian: You know what I'm talking about. You see someone from a foreign country and treat them like they are fresh off the boat.

Stewie: Why do you have to be sensitive, man? I was just welcoming him to our country.

Brian: You're being a jerk and you know it.

Stewie: Whatever, man. Let's just get our Squishees. *to Apu* Two Squishees please.

Apu: *makes the Squishees*

Stewie: *pays*

Apu: Thank you! Come again.

Stewie and Brian: *leaves the store*

Jay: We're gonna get rich!

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jay: We're gonna sell so much weed here, make so much money, before you know it, we'll be livin' a life always dream of, Silent Bob. I'm getting hungry, and I know you wanna eat, tubby bitch.

Silent Bob: *gives Jay a look*

Bob's Burgers

(Jay and Silent Bob walk into Bob's Burgers and sit down at the counter.)

Linda: Hi there, welcome to Bob's Burgers!

Jay: My large friend's name is Bob. Did we get a discount?

Linda: Oh, a fellow Bob! How nice. Sorry, we don't offer a Bob discount, but maybe I sneak a extra fries on your plate. What can I get for the two of you?

Jay: *looks at Silent Bob*

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jay: Two burgers of the day and two sodas.

(The duo sit and wait for their food.)

Linda: Are you new in town? I don't think I've seen you before.

Jay: Yeah, me and Silent Bob here traveling for our business.

Linda: What business is that?

Jay: Pharmaceutical sales.

Linda: Oh, that sounds exciting!

(The News turned on.)

Tom Tucker: Good evening, Ficville, I'm Tom Tucker. Authorities are still investigating the murder of Bert Bunny. If anyone has any information about this crime, please call the tip hotline.

Bert Bunny's residence

(It has crime scene tape across the door, and reporters are waiting outside. Inside, the police are inspecting Bert Bunny's body.)

Chief Wiggum: A sick individual did this.

Joe: Strangling a rabbit with his own ears. I've never seen anything like it.

Dudley: How did we know he didn't kill himself?

Carter: 'Cause he strangled him with his own ears, you moron!

Dudley: You don't have be so mean about it.

Carter: You know you have to be so stupid.

Joe: That's enough of that. We're here to solve a crime.

Carter: Yeah, I know that's why we're here! I'm a cop too!

Joe: Well, let's look at the evidence.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say.

(They look for fingerprints and signs of forced entry. They also look for trace evidence. They caught Ralph eating fingerprint dust.)

Ralph: This pixy stix is disgusting.

Dudley: How did he get in this crime scene?

Officer Barbrady: Who let that kid in here?

Chief Wiggum: That idiot is my son! I mean, that kid is my son! Ralphie, how did you get in here? You shouldn't be here.

Ralph: My tummy hurts.

Joe: Go take care of your kid, Wiggum, we'll take it from here.

Meanwhile

(Jay and Silent Bob are walking around town.)

Jay: That burger was amazing, Silent Bob. Now you what we need? We need to go find some hot girls to hook up with.

Silent Bob: *nods in agreement*

Beavis and Butt-Head: *overhears Jay talking to Silent Bob*

Butt-Head: Those guys are looking for hot girls. We should follow them and try to score!

Beavis: Yeah, good idea!

Beavis and Butt-Head: *follows Jay and Silent Bob*

Jay and Silent Bob: *stop and turn to look at Beavis and Butt-Head*

Jay: Are you two following us?

Butt-Head: No.

Beavis: Yes.

Jay: Which is it? Yes or no?

Butt-Head: Maybe we just happen to be in the same direction.

Jay: In which direction is that?

Beavis: The direction of the hot girls. We wanna score! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Jay: Silent Bob and I can respect that. That's what we're trying to do.

(They continue to walk at the same direction and walk into a strip club, and see men and women stripping.)

Butt-Head: *sees a naked woman* Come to Butt-Head.

Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna score!

Jay: What are you two stupid or something? This is a strip club, not a whorehouse.

Butt-Head: Uhhh, oh yeah, but there's a lot of horny women here. You see those chicks watching the male dancers? We just got to wait.

Jay: You know what? That's a pretty solid plan.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Beavis: Yeah yeah! Heh heh.

Coffee Shop

(The four are seated in the coffee shop, complaining in disappointment of not scoring.)

Jay: That was fucking ridiculous.

Beavis: Yeah, it was lame.

Butt-Head: That sucked.

Jay: I mean, I didn't want any of these chicks anyway.

Silent Bob: *nods in solidarity*

Beavis: Um, but like, are we still gonna try to score?

Butt-Head: We score all the time, it's okay if we don't for one night.

Beavis: What are you-

Butt-Head: *punches him in the throat*

(Dr. Ditto is sitting at the mirror by a table, sketching evil plans and drinking cappucino.)

Dr. Ditto: *mumbling to himself* Oh Ditto, you're a genius. This will be your best plan yet.

Jay: *notices Dr. Ditto* Is that crazy fucker talking to himself?

Silent Bob: *shrugs his shoulders*

Butt-Head: Uhhh, he's definitely talking to himself.

Jay: Let's wipe our fingerprints off of everything and get out of here.

Jay, Silent Bob, Beavis and Butt-Head: *leaves the coffee shop*

Dr. Ditto: You've done it again, Ditto. You're a genius.

Urkel: *trips and knocks the table over, spilling the cappucino* Did I do that?

Dr. Ditto: YOU IMBECILE!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!

Urkel: Now, now, no need to get so upset. I'll get you another coffee.

Dr. Ditto: IT WAS A CAPPUCINO!!!!! JAWSAW!!

Jawsaw: *stands behind Urkel*

Urkel: *sees Jawsaw* Oh, I hear my mom is calling me! It was nice meeting you! *backs away out of the coffee shop*

Dr. Ditto: Apprehend that weasel!!!

Jawsaw: Yes sir. *runs after Urkel*

Dr. Ditto: When do they ever learn? Well, I'll show them how they even came to be. I, Dr. Ditto, genius extraordinaire, evil mastermind, devilishly handsome, and cynically hilarious, vows to continue my quest to create mockbusters. The world will know the name Dr. Ditto! *laughs maniacally*

Ficville Police Agency

(Some cops are setting at desks, some walking around, some standing around chatting. Chief Malone tries get information on cases.)

Chief Malone: What kind of updates do we have?

Drix: I should have reports on my cases to you within the hour.

Chief Malone: Thanks. What about the rest of you?

Chief Wiggum: Reports? *looks at Lou* What's he talking about?

Lou: You know the paperwork police officers do?

Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, I knew that. I was just making sure you knew that.

Eddie: Sure he did.

Lee: *runs through the door* I get my reports right here for you. *sets them down*

Chief Malone: *reads them* Strong work, Lee.

Dudley: What does it say? *reads them* Armed robbery? Who made armed robbery? Wait a second... *reads them again* Is that Snake Jailbird!? Why would a snake use armed robbery??

Kitty: He's definitely not a snake, Dudley. Snake's real name is Chester Turley.

Dudley: Is Chester a snake?

Kitty: NO!

Desk Clerk: *hears the phone ringing and answers it* This is Police Agency.

Aika: Help! Somebody is breaking into my house! You have to hurry!

Desk Clerk: We have a... break in progress. Who wants to take it?

Dudley, Kitty, Carter, Officer Barbrady: *raises their hands* I do!

Aika's house

(The police cars speed down the with their lights flashing and sirens blaring. They pull up to the house and get out with their guns drawn.)

Carter: Dudley, Barbrady, you take the back, Kitty and I will take the front. On my count, one, two, three! GO!

Dudley, Kitty, Carter, Officer Barbrady: *rushes into the house*

Carter: *sees the hooded figure run by* I got him! Find the girl, and make sure she's okay! *chases after him*

Hooded Figure: *knocks down Barbrady as he runs by*

Carter: *jumps over Barbrady and continues his pursuit*

Dudley: *bursts in* It's the police! Are you in here, are you okay?

Aika: *cracks the door open* I'm here, don't shoot. Thank you so much for coming. I was so scared. Did you catch him?

Dudley: One of our men is in pursuit, so... he's getting at it.

Neighborhood

(Carter is chasing the hooded figure through the neighborhood.)

Carter: Stop!

Hooded Figure: *looks back and keeps running*

Carter: Gonna stop sometime. *picks up his radio* Chasing the suspect on foot! Send backup!

(Suddenly, a police car is rushing towards them, slams on the brakes and stops the hooded figure.)

Robocop: *steps out* Stop right there!

Carter: *catches up and points his gun at the hooded figure* On your knees, scumbag!!

Hooded Figure: Anata wa watashi o kontorōru suru koto wa dekimasen.

Carter: Why is nobody speaking English?!

Hooded Figure: Naze watashi wa anata no tame ni sore o kantan ni suru nodesu ka?

Carter: Who are you?

Hooded Figure: Anata wa watashi o ninshiki shite iru to omoimasu.

(The hooded figure grabs his robe and took it off, revealing himself as a ninja named Tarantula.)

Carter: *gasps* Tarantula!

Tarantula: Watashi no hyōban ga watashi o zenshin sa seru no o mimasu.

Carter: Why did you kill Bert Bunny?

Tarantula: Masutaditto wa watashi ni sō itta.

Carter: You work for Ditto, DON'T YOU?!

Tarantula: *chuckles* Hai-sodesu *jumps and kicks Carter across the face, sending him flying to a fence*

Robocop: *shoots twelve rounds at Tarantula*

Tarantula: *quickly pulls out his katana and slices the bullets*

Robocop: *throws a punch at Tarantula*

Tarantula: *blocks it and throws Robocop aside*

Robocop: *recovers and throws a punch again*

Tarantula: *catches it with one hand*

Robocop: *throws another punch*

Tarantula: *catches it again, then kicks Robocop, sending him flying to the door*

Carter: *gets up* Now you made me mad! You won't like me when I'm mad! *dashes at Tarantula*

Tarantula: *karate chops Carter in the neck*

Carter: Mommy!

Tarantula: *grabs a smoke bomb and throws it at the ground, disappearing*

Robocop: *rushes to Carter* Sir, are you okay?

Carter: Yeah, expect I'm mad that dude got away.

Quick Stop

(Jay and Silent Bob are selling weed outside the Quick Stop as Dante walks in the door for work.)

Dante: *sees Jay and Silent Bob and shakes his head* I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Jay: Jay and Silent are outside the Quick Stop today!

Randal: *pokes his head out the door* That's not news. Losers are always out here.

Jay: Shut up, Randal. You're a douche. *turns to Silent Bob* Why is this guy such a prick?

Silent Bob: *shrugs his shoulders*

Harold and Kumar: *walks up to Jay and Silent Bob*

Kumar: Hey dudes! Long time no see! How ya been?

Jay: Oh yeah, I remember you dudes! We're cool as shit! What brings you to Quick Stop?

Kumar: Looking for some green if you know what I mean.

Harold: It's awesome running into you, dudes.

Kumar and Silent Bob: *does a fancy handshake*

Jay: You've come to right place. What can I do you for?

Kumar: Can I get two?

Jay: That'll be $40.

Kumar: *hands him the money*

Jay: *hands him the two bags*

Kumar: *puts them in his pocket* Okay, Roldy, let's get some drinks and snacks.

Harold and Kumar: *goes inside the Quick Stop*

Randal: Tell me you didn't just buy something from those two idiots.

Kumar: Okay, I won't tell you.

Harold and Kumar: *get the drinks and snacks and bring them to the counter to pay*

Dante: *rings them up*

Kumar: What's up with your coworker?

Dante: Nothing, he's just a total douche.

Randal: I heard that.

Dante: Well, I wasn't trying to be quiet.

Harold: Come on, Kumar, let's get out of here. *looks at Dante* Have a good day, man.

Harold and Kumar: *leaves the store*

Chateau Genie Malefique

(Dr. Ditto is sitting in a large wingback chair, stroking his white cat Skittles.)

Dr. Ditto: It's a good today, Skittles. Your master got lots of evil plans made.

Werebbid 1: *approaches Dr. Ditto and gibbers*

Dr. Ditto: I am not concerned. Tarantula's very good at what he does. The police are no match for him.

Skittles: *hisses at the Werebbid*

Werebbid 1: *whimpers*

Dr. Ditto: *laughs*

Werebbid 2: *runs through the door and speaks gibbers*

Dr. Ditto: I don't know what everybody IS SO WORKED UP ABOUT!!! DID YOU ALL REALLY THINK THAT WERE BE NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT!? A CRIME WAS COMMITTED! A MURDER!! OF COURSE THE POLICE ARE GOING TO BE INVOLVED! OR YOU SAYING I'M STUPID? DO YOU THINK THAT I, THE GREAT DR. DITTO, DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS?!! You're lack of faith in me is despicable!!

Werebbids: *hug each other fearfully*

Tarantula: *approaches and bows down* Masuta Dojo. Keisatsucho ga tochaku shimasu.

Dr. Ditto: And?

Tarantula: Karera wa watashi o hanzai ni musubitsukeru mono wa nani mo naku, anata ga miru yo ni, karera wa watashi o tsukamaeru koto ga dekimasendeshita.

Dr. Ditto: As usual, your work pleases me. The rest of you should remember that I am smarter than all of you good together. So, you need not worry about my plans. Now, we must continue getting rid of these fictionals.

Mirena: I'm ready to be of service. *leaves*

Punch: I'm ready to fuck up some fictionals. *leaves*

Jawsaw: I'm ready to play. *leaves*

Tarantula: Watashi wa anata o shitsubo sa semasen. *grabs a smoke bomb and throws it at the floor, disappearing*

Dr. Ditto: Ah, it's been a good day, Skittles. Let's go take a bubble bath and go to bed.

Ficville Police Agency

Chief Malone: So you're saying Ditto is behind this?

Carter: Yeah, that's what we're saying!

Chief Malone: You don't need to be a wise ass, Carter. I should have known it's good to know confirmation. Now that we know we're dealing with Ditto. We're having to have to take a different approach. This is not some ordinary criminal. Keswick, show the pictures.

Keswick: *turns on the screen*

Police and agents: *gasps*

Officer Earl: That is despicable! That is terrible! That is the worst thing I have ever seen!

Officer Barbrady: Oh my... *faints*

Osmosis Jones: *throws up at Chief Wiggum's shoes*

Chief Wiggum: *throws up at Osmosis Jones' shoes*

Kitty: How are gonna solve these crimes? You all even can't keep your lunch in.

Carter: This dude is sick. *to Chief Malone* It might help to bring Vanessa in on this.

Chief Malone: It's not a bad idea. *calls Vanessa* Ditto is killing fictionals. The agency needs your help.

Vanessa: I've been trying to get Ditto behind bars for years, count me in.

Chief Malone: Do you think we should offer a bounty?

Vanessa: It can't hurt. It's cheap manpower.

Chief Malone: My thoughts exactly. We need all the help with this that we can get.

Ficville Mall

Jay: No better place to pick up chicks than at the mall.

TS: You got that right.

Brodie: It's like a buffet of honeys.

Silent Bob: *nods*

(Suddenly, a man runs out of the store near Jay and Silent Bob.)

Lady Clerk: Stop that man! He's a thief!

Jay and Silent Bob: *runs after him*

Jay: *throws his soda at the guy in the head*

Thief: *stumbles*

Silent Bob: *tackles him*

Paul Blart: *comes up in his segway* Thank you, kind citizens. I'll take it from here.

Lady Clerk: *comes up to Jay and Silent Bob* Thank you so much. *gives each of them a kiss on the cheek*

Jay: It ain't no thing. Silent Bob and I are always happy to help a damsel-in-distress.

Vanessa: *approaches Jay and Silent Bob*

Jay and Silent Bob: *notices Vanessa*

Jay: It's look we have another admirer.

Silent Bob: *smiles and raises a eyebrow*

Vanessa: That was impressive work. Are you two in law enforcement?

Jay: No, we're not the fuzz.

Vanessa: Are you bounty hunters?

Jay: No, that would be badass.

Vanessa: Well, I think you got some potential.

Jay: I never been told I had potential before. *to Silent Bob* You hear that, Silent Bob? We've got potential! *to Vanessa* What's your name, lady?

Vanessa: Lady? I was expecting something less chivalrous. My name is Vanessa, and I'm a secret agent.

Jay: No fucking way! For real?

Vanessa: For real.

Jay: You want Silent Bob and I to help?

Vanessa: If you're interested.

Jay: Whaddya think, Silent Bob? Are we intrested?

Silent Bob: *shurgs*

Jay: What did you need us to do?

Vanessa: I need you help track down and capture Ditto and his henchmen. They are killing fictionals.

Jay: That's fucked up. I think we saw that dude in the coffee shop.

Vanessa: *gives him a business card* Be at this address. Tonight, at 9pm. We'll go everything we need to know. *leaves*

Jay and Silent Bob: *looks at each other*

Jay: We're gonna be bounty hunters.

Ficville Police Agency

(Jay and Silent Bob arrive at the Police Agency and went inside.)

Jay: We're here to see that Vanessa chick.

Roz: Oh really? I would've thought you were here to turn yourself in for some crime.

Jay: Silent Bob and I are not criminals, we're bounty hunters!

Roz: Could've fooled me. I'll let Vanessa know you're here. *calls Vanessa* There's two losers here that claimed to be bounty hunters. *turns to Jay* She'll be right with you.

(Jay and Silent Bob wait for Vanessa. Roz's phone rings.)

Roz: *answers the phone* Of course, I have nothing better to do. *hangs up the phone and turns to Jay and Silent Bob* Apparently, I need to escort you back. *escorts them to the conference room*

Vanessa: Have a seat, gentlemen.

Jay and Silent Bob: *sits down*

Vanessa: Thanks for coming. I have begun recruiting bounty hunters to assist us in finding and capturing Ditto and his henchmen. These two gentlemen are our first recruits.

Carter: That look like a low-life drug dealers to me.

Jay: Who are you calling low-life?

Carter: I see you didn't deny being called a drug dealer.

Jay: Silent Bob and I aren't drug dealers, we just sell weed.

Farva: Can we just get started? Some of us things to do.

Chief Malone: I'm sorry, didn't you have some more important to be?

Farva: Uh, no sir.

Chief Malone: Alright, Vanessa, let's get started.

Vanessa: *shows a presentation of Ditto and his henchmen* Tarantula who was chased down by members of the Police Agency and he escaped in a cloud of smoke. Jawsaw is as dangerous as he looks. Punch, don't let his looks fool you, he's a crazy fucker. Mirena, don't be fooled by her beauty and charm, she's deadly. And Dr Ditto, the one in charge of all of these others.

Jay: Let's go out and find these fuckers!!!

Chief Malone: Not so fast there, cowboy. You two need some training.

Jay: Training? All we gonna do is to find these dudes and tell them to come with us or we're gonna blow their heads off.

Chief Malone: Well, we're not blowing anyone's head off, and I need proper training to make sure we bring them in alive.

Vanessa: I don't care if they come in dead or alive, as long as we get them in. However, we would prefer to keep YOU alive so you would need some training.

Jay: Fine, let's get this over with.

On the way to the training room

(Vanessa is escorting the guys to the training room.)

Vanessa: I'm gonna leave you two with Agent Zed.

Jay: Who the hell is that?

Vanessa: One of our special agents. He'll be conducting your training. *types the code and opens the door* Good luck, gentelmen.

Jay and Silent Bob: *enters the training room, looking around*

Agent Zed: Welcome, Jay and Silent Bob. I'm Agent Zed, let's get you boys trained. *presses a button*

(The floor door open and a deck of weapons come up)

Jay: I think I'm gonna like training. Which one of those can I have?

Agent Zed: Not so fast. We'll go over each of these and figure out which one is the best one for you. I know you're anxious to get out to find the bad guys, but we do have to go over a few things first: like weapons training, procedures, and some of the boring stuff like paperwork. Nobody likes it, but we gonna do it.

12 hours later

(Jay and Silent Bob have glazed overlooks and are ready to pass out.)

Agent Zed: Alright, you're training is done. Let's pick out your weapons.

Jay: Oh, thank fuck. I didn't think this dude was ever gonna stop talking.