Man of Steel (The Private Reviewer)

The Private Reviewer: Hello, I'm the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't.

(Footage of Superman movies and the classic cartoons with Richard Donner, Richard Lester, Sidney J. Furie, Bryan Singer, Spencer Gordon Bennet, Thomas Carr, Max Fleischer and Dave Fleischer)

PR: (v/o) Oh, hell, yeah, I love Superman. This is the original superhero that perfected the art of the comics.

PR: I'm such a dork that I actually went out and got the Blu-ray collections of these movies, and you know what I found out? I'm not the only one who regards them as DC comic legends.

PR: (v/o) There's directors, historians, and even best stars like Christopher Reeve and Brandon Routh cast members who all see Superman as heart of gold.

PR: (v/o) With a superhero so legendary, you'd think that reboot would put some real time and effort into their first DC Extended Universe feature length film together. (pause) They do not.

PR: (v/o) Instead, we got Man of Steel'', a 2013 film with the decent superhero star Henry Cavill about, what else, looks bad.

PR: Well, let's look at the movie that is either the absolutely loved or absolutely hated, Man of Steel.

PR: (v/o) We start off with the birth of our hero on the planet "every sci-fi movie ever made" (Krypton), and seeing how this is a Zack Snyder film. A lot of you know the drill here: Superman's father, Jor-El, played by Russell Crowe, is trying to convince the higher-ups that the planet Krypton is about to explode and nobody believes him. But hell, the entire world blowing up isn't exciting enough. Let's throw in a hostile takeover while we're at it, too.

(Krypton guards are attacked by unknown forces, revealed to be General Zod and his troops)

PR: (v/o) This particular hostile takeover is lead by General Zod, played by Michael "Why does everybody say I lisp like Willem Dafoe?" Shannon.

Zod: These lawmakers with their endless debates have led Krypton to ruin! Help me save our race. The degenerative bloodlines that led us to this state.

Jor-El: And who will decide which bloodline survives, Zod? You?

PR: (v/o) (as Zod) I humbly accept your nomination.

Zod: Don't do this, El.

PR: (v/o) So, seeing how Zod's fought off this world's equivalent of White House security so easily, it only makes sense that Jor-El should be able to fight off Zod's army that broke through this world's White House security so easily.

PR: (unsure) I think...

PR: (v/o) He rides on his adult Spike the dragon, picks up yet another subplot--because Lord knows we don't have enough of those going on in this opening, and plans to put it in a spacepod sending his son to Earth, who'll be the only survivor.

(Jor-El strokes his son's head)

Jor-El: Goodbye, my son.

PR: (v/o) Aw, shoot, now we gotta have that pesky emotion. Come on, guys, this is a Christopher Nolan story. You can throw more subplots. At least strap that baby to a bomb or something. (The cradle containing the baby is lifted up into a pod) He rises from the dentist's chair and is sent out towards Earth, just as Zod's forces arrive.

Zod: Concentrate fire on the main door!

PR: (v/o) (as one of Zod's soldiers) Yes, person who clearly has no microphone attached to his mouth.

Zod: What have you done?

Jor-El: We've had a child, Zod.

Zod: ...Heresy! Destroy it! ("s" replaced with "sh" sounds)

PR: (v/o) Did he stuff a bag of marshmallows in his mouth before talking?

Zod: Heresy! Destroy it!

PR: (v/o) (imitating Zod) Hereshy! Reshtoy hmm! (and mimics marshmallows in his mouth)

PR: (v/o) Actually, the funny thing about Michael Shannon's performance is how he manages to be over-the-top extreme and...under-the-bottom restrained. It's kinda like watching Jerry Lewis act.

PR: He may start off low and appear not to be very interested.

PR: (v/o) But then, in a millisecond, he can change into (suddenly shouting) wa-hey with the screaming and the yelling and the nice lady!

PR: Yeah, but does his breaking point have to sound like a bulldog?

Zod: You won't kill us yourself! (a bulldog is shown on the left barking as Zod talks) You wouldn't dirty your hands, but you'll damn us to a black hole for eternity!

PR: (v/o) But Zod gets the best of him just before security gets the best of Zod. This calls for Hans Zimmer bwowm! (Said bwowm is played) Is anyone else sick of that sound yet? I swear, if Hans Zimmer did the music to "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown," it'd be (picture of it is shown) "You're A Good Man, Charlie Bwowm." (BWOMB) So Zod is sentenced to imprisonment in the Phantom Zone.

Zod: You believe your son is safe? I will find him.

PR: (v/o) (as Lara) Sorry, didn't quite catch that.

Zod: I will find him.

PR: (v/o) No, still didn't get it.

Zod: I will find him.

PR: (v/o) Mm, still not coming through. Tell you what, say it as loud and ridiculously hammy as your cartoonishly large eyes and mouth will allow.

Zod: I WILL FIND HIM!!

PR: (v/o) Now I hear you. No, you won't. Bye! (The cucumber-shaped pods launch off into the Phantom Zone) So they wait for the inevitable as it's the end of the world as they know it, and everyone feels blandly fine.

(Lara Lor-Van steps out to watch the end of the world as two pods fly next to her)

Pod: Lady Lara, shouldn't you find refuge?

PR: (v/o) (as Lara) What? I can't hear you over the incredibly quiet destruction of the world!

Lara: There is no refuge, Kiro.

(A pillar of fire sweeps over Lara before cutting to Krypton exploding. The pod containing Kal-El flies through space)

PR: (v/o) So Kal-El travels to the planet known as Earth where he lands... (cut to a ship out in the ocean) on an episode of Deadliest Catch. Okay, we may have skipped forward a touch, but at least we now have time to give Clark, played by Henry Cavill, some proper development for his character. (a burning oil rig is seen in the distance) Or just blow shit up again. Because the past twenty minutes clearly haven't shown enough of that.

(A steel door is ripped off by Clark who's covered in fire, wearing only a pair of pants)

PR: (v/o) I am Leonidas-Wolverine-Brawny Man! Follow my non-flammable pants to freedom!

(Clark's now in the water, flashing back to his childhood)

Teacher: When Kansas became a territory--

PR: (v/o) Oh, we're in THIS kind of story. So, what kid of story? He's a boy, he's a man, he's a teenager, he's a boy again, he's a man. And it wouldn't be so bad if he would at least talk about what he's going through, but he never does. Scenes like Clark as a boy getting used to his powers are already emotional scenes. Scenes like this are good on their own, but we're getting background on a guy whose personality we're never given time to know. Look at this. We have a flashback to his childhood, then we cut back to present time. Then literally one minute later, we get another flashback to his childhood. Welcome back! Missed ya! They never give any time to understand this guy! I've gotten to know the personality of my Minute Rice more than I have this person. So after countless moments of intense scenes and harsh action, what is this flashback gonna show? (The school bus pops a tire and goes over the bridge) Some intense scenes and harsh action. Wow, this film's running the gambit of all two things that can be done with a movie.

(The bus comes up from the water)

PR: (v/o) So young Clark saves the bus of kids which leads to the dismay of his father, John Kent (Jonathan Kent, NC calls him John in the video), played by that-voicebox-that-sounds-like-Kevin-Costner. Or maybe it's just Kevin Costner, they're pretty easy to mix up.

Jonathan "Pa" Kent: We've talked about this. You have... Well, Clark, you have to keep this side of yourself a secret.

PR: (v/o) And this, of course, gives way to one of the most controversial parts of the movie; John Kent saying he should've let the kids on the bus die.

Clark: What was I supposed to do? Just let 'em die?

Jonathan: .......Maybe.

PR: Yeah, what've you got to say about that? The scene where John Kent says "drown the bastards." And "maybe let them die." Well, this is bull-crap. It's awful.

PR: (v/o) Every line in this movie is just talking about what a messiah he is.

Jonathan: You were sent here for a reason./When the world finds out what you can do, it's gonna change everything./Not just anyone, Clark./You're the answer to "are we alone in the universe?"/Stand proud in front of the human race./People are afraid of what they don't understand.

PR: H-He said it differently, though...

(Jonathan pulls the cover off of Clark's pod)

Jonathan: We found you in this. This was in the chamber with you. (Clark is holding onto a strange object) I took it to a metallurgist at Kansas State. He said whatever it's made from didn't exist on the periodic table, which is another way of saying it's not from this world, Clark.

PR: (v/o) (as Jonathan) They surprisingly asked no questions and let me take my miracle stone home without ever calling anybody. See, they knew how to keep a secret. (normal) And it turns out years later, Clark does a good job carrying that secret, like when a bully inflicts no physical harm on him whatsoever, so he crucifies his truck, causing God knows how much money in damages. But at least he didn't...save...anybody? So, seeing how we're watching Clark go on this long journey, are we finally gonna get some idea of what his personality's like--yeah, you know the answer to this. Hello, other characters and subplots, one of them being Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, doing a report on some sort of disturbance-- Oh, no, you cannot badmouth Lois Lane! She's a stronger character, a more confident one. She's a risk taker. She doesn't have time for the military's contest! She actually does something in this film, and she's not always screaming for someone to save her.

PR: Yeah, that is until she's hit by the Nolan Ray. You see, I have no doubt that Zack Snyder started off having Lois as an interesting, funny, opinionated character because at first, she does seem that way.

Lois: Yeah, if we're done measuring dicks, can you have your people show me what you found?

PR: (taking out a raygun) But then she's zapped by the Nolan Ray and suddenly every line of dialogue is emphasizing the weight of how important the movie you're watching is. Remember when his father was balling him out like a real father?

Jonathan: Right? We talked about this, you have to--

PR: Boom! (he shoots the scene) Nolan Ray!

Jonathan: You're the answer to "are we alone in the universe?"

PR: Remember how Lois Lane was feisty and took no nonsense from anybody?

Lois: Well, what can I say? I get writer's block if I'm not wearing a flak jacket.

PR: Boom! (he shoots the scene) Nolan Ray!

Lois: (narrating) The questions raised by my rescuer's existence are frightening to contemplate.

PR: Even Perry White, played by Laurence Fishburne. He starts off in-your-face screaming about stories and deadlines.

Perry: You let Woodburn just shotgun it all over the internet. Well, let's make it three weeks since you're so willing to agree with me.

PR: Oh, that's way too interesting. Little bit of the Nolan Ray will fix that! (zap!)

Perry: Can you imagine how people on this planet will react if they knew there was someone like this out there?

PR: (Reading the caption) The Nolan Ray. Because Whatever Important Issue You're Talking About...IT COULD ALWAYS BE MORE IMPORTANT.

PR: (v/o) So Lois follows a certain laser eyeing someone into the ice where she discovers a spaceship. A spaceship that apparently saw her performance in Julie & Julia. (A pod smacks her into the wall with a tentacle. Clark destroys the pod with his bare hands) But Clark is there to take down the machine, heal her wounds, and...apparently leave her for dead. When she observes that Clark has taken the spaceship away, she tries to write a report on it, only to find her boss won't run it. So she lets it leak to the internet.

Lois: My editor won't print it, but if it happened to leak online...

Woodburn: Wait. Didn't you once describe my site as a "creeping cancer of falsehoods?"

PR: Hey, look. It's TMZ! That was a good one.

PR: (v/o) So Clark loads the Exposition Program and, through some pretty awesome effects, a computer with what's left of Jor-El explains Krypton's history.

Jor-El: I'm your father, Kal.

Clark: That's my name.

'Javert (audio from Les Misérables plays over Jor-El): AND I'M JAVERT!

Jor-El: Our race spread out through the stars. The scout ship was one of thousands launched into the void.

PR: (v/o) (as Jor-El) We sent thousands of scout ships, yet our back-up plan in case the world blows up was a little baby sized pod. You can see why we didn't last very long.

Jor-El: Artificial population control was established.

PR: (v/o) So it's explained that Clark is Krypton's first natural birth in centuries. Not exactly sure how they control that, whether everyone just kept to the honor system or they genetically altered babies to be born with chastity belts, but regardless, Clark has apparently broken the chain, and he now knows it's his job to do what he can for all mankind.

(Clark is now Superman, making high jumps)

PR: (v/o) So he practices flying around the mountainside while the cameraman practices keeping his finger off the zoom button. (clips of shaky zoom ins are shown) Yeah, you may notice very quickly there's a lot of this in this movie. For no reason at all, whenever there's fast-paced motion, the camera has to zoom in on it like a monkey with a camcorder. So Lois goes searching for her rescuer/leaver of people to die in the snow, and through asking questions and listening to hearsay, she locates exactly where he is. Of course, this calls for celebrating with another flashback.

Clark: I just want to do something useful with my life.

Jonathan: So farming, feeding people, that's not useful? My family's been farming for five generations, Clark.

PR: But wait a minute, Papa Kent, didn't you just in a few flashbacks say (pulling the earlier scene into frame) that he was destined to change the world when people discovered him?

Jonathan: When the world finds out what you can do, it's gonna change everything.

PR: (pushing the scene out) And now you're saying you never want him to be discovered and you just want him to be a farmer? I'm starting to think Clark has three fathers: Jor-El, John, and (picture of Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden) John's other freaking personality! But get ready for a big shock here. (a tornado is swirling over the countryside) Something big and...

PR: (v/o) ...terrible tries to kill them. And thus, they all try to seek shelter.

Martha: Hank's still in the car! Hank's in the car!

Clark: I'll get him. I'll get him.

Jonathan: No, don't! (handing a girl to Clark) Get your mom to the overpass.

PR: But wait a minute. (The dog is in the car the Kents were riding in) ...WHAT ABOUT BOOMER???

Announcer: Boomer... (quickly) will be saved by John, even though it would've been a lot easier if he just sent Clark in to go get him, causing John to hurt his leg unable to make it back in time, but he stops Clark from saving him because he's an attention hungry martyr who doesn't want Clark to be outed, even though he's going to be outed just a few years later anyway.

PR: (he cheers, then realizes what was just said) Wait, what?

PR: (v/o) Yup. Even though there's a million other ways this problem could've been solved, John Kent sacrifices himself because he stands by how Clark should change the world by never doing a thing. While we're at it, why does everyone in this movie take death like a light breeze? All of the people who die in this film never flinch, move, or even make a noise. And these deaths have ranged from stabbing (Zod killing Jor-El), explosion (Lara dying with Krypton) and tornado. (Jonathan getting sucked up in the tornado) I think somebody in that line-up would at least go "ow!"

PR: Oh, come on! Even though...

(a briefly clip of Where the Heart Is)

PR: (v/o) Natalie Portman seeing a tornado where it actually suck her out by Anakin's wrath!

(back to the movie)

PR: (v/o) Well, the movie's tired of waiting for Clark to actually do anything, so General Zod appears on the Monarch ship to threaten the world to hand him over.

Swanwick: I think whoever's at the helm of that thing came to make a dramatic entrance.

PR: (v/o) Thanks for the arrow, by the way, we never would've known what we're supposed to look at.

(Suddenly a message is played across all screens in the world)

Message: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

(Zod appears on the feed, face blurred)

Zod: My name is General Zod. I come from a world far from yours.

PR: (v/o) So it looks like their ability to take over all of Earth's video footage understandably gives a barely visible picture. But for some reason, that sound sure seems crystal clear.

Zod: To Kal-El, I say this. Surrender within 24 hours./Watch this world suffer the consequences.

Orson Welles: This is Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, to assure you that the War of the Worlds has no further significance and it was the holiday offering it was intended to be.

PR: (v/o) So Clark tries to figure out what to do and seeks the advice of both his mother and possibly a higher source.

Clark: I don't know where to start.

Priest: Wherever you want. Do you know why they want you?

Clark: No. (there's an image of Jesus on the stain glass window behind Clark)

PR: Seriously, is there a creepy statue from...

PR: (v/o) The Exorcist III had to do unseen it?

(a statue, Jesus open his eyes in surprise is shown with a big loud jump-scare sound effect. The Private Reviewer screams in fear, covered his eyes and taking out a raygun quickly and shoots the screen!)

(back to the movie, Superman is escorted by soldiers in handcuffs)

PR: (v/o) Clark reveals himself and surrenders to the military, who have also brought in Lois, seeing how she's the only one who knew anything about his existence.

Lois: What's the S stand for?

Superman: It's not an S. On my world, it means hope.

Lois: Well, here, it's an S.

PR: Ohh! I could look at your S all day! You've done best!

?????

PR: (v/o) Superman gets him in a headlock, but Zod vows to make what he supposedly cares for most suffer.

(Zod is aiming his heat vision at a family of four)

Superman: Don't do this!

PR: (v/o) Even though there's about three or four different ways those people could probably get out of there.

Superman: Stop!!

PR: (v/o) (as Zod) Uh, you have to admit, Supe, this isn't all me. These people are just kind of idiots.

Zod: Never!

PR: (v/o) Thus Superman breaks Zod's neck and that's actually all they do with her.

(Superman breaks Zod's neck, drops dead and he lets out an anguished scream. Lois comes towards him and hugs him. Cut to some time later, Swanwick and his adjutant, Major Farris, find Superman downing an Air Force drone as PR speaks)

PR: (v/o) Oh! Okay! I'll guess we'll just assume the worst.

PR: I mean, that was terrible! Where'd they get the transitions from at the end, A Bug's Life? (Poster of A Bug's Life movie appears onscreen) I mean, that was kind of a better leap, movie. W-w-what, you just trying to brush death off like a lot of those awkward Disney films?

(a clip plays again as Superman breaks Zod's neck, drops dead and he lets out an anguished scream. Lois comes towards him and hugs him, which is followed by a happy meadow and joyful singing (from Bambi after Bambi's mother is shot). Back to the movie...)

PR: (v/o) Okay, seriously. Did this sad scene about to Superman didn't kill Zod or something?

PR: You know, I didn't think it was possible to out-stabbed Qui-Gon. (A clip of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace is shown) But, man...

PR: (v/o) ...you are seriously breaking off his neck of a crap thing! Surprisingly, the most hated scene by so many fans actually didn't bother me that much. I mean, keep in mind, (clip of Superman II as Superman throws Zod into a bottomless pit) we saw Superman kill Zod in the second movie and no one had a heart attack over that. (back to the movie) And on top of that, even though it could've been illustrated better, I like the idea they were going for. That you won't always have answers to situations that are always ethically pleasing. It's actually a very difficult, very hard thing to come to grips with. ...too bad it's forgotten in the very next scene. He just blows some more shit up because like I said, we haven't seen enough of that.

PR: It's almost like the scene before it never freaking happened! It really pisses me the fuck off and they just ruined it right there!

PR: (v/o) They never established that killing people was a big thing for him. But we saw so many other civilians die, I figured that he'd be used to seeing it by now. We never actually see any of those people die as a direct result from Superman. I mean, sure we see people die when Zod's ship is like humping the earth. But I get what you're saying... For the most part! Defiles everything that Superman stands for.... sad... pathetic.

PR: Well, this is not like their job for the best Superman movies for! (beat) And I still think this movie is utterly incoherent! (angry) MAN OF STEEL SUCKS!!!

(Clips from the movie play as we come to closing PR's thoughts)

PR: (v/o) There are some things I like. All the actors to play these roles are good choices, the action scenes are awesome, and though I like the more upbeat Superman, I'm open to the idea of a darker version. But these characters have no identity. Outside of their job and how they look, you wouldn't even know that this was Clark Kent or Lois Lane if they didn't call them Clark Kent or Lois Lane. The millions of subplots are not needed and get in the way of any emotional connection we want to make. The incoherent storytelling is pointless and annoying, and as a superhero, he lets way too many people die in this! Those characters seem boring to you because they're not as over-the-top or single noted as the comic book ones or the Christopher Reeve versions. It's a new kind of Superman that needs a less clichéd character. It needs a tougher and darker outlook, because we've seen the other Superman stories already. For you, and probably a lot of people that enjoyed this movie, you're seeing the Man of Steel go up against some of the greatest evil that he's ever gone up against, because of how much damage he does. So when he rises up, you can feel all the more proud of what a terrible thing he's stopped. It's not craving dark, horrible things like a maniac. It's seeing someone fight against those dark, horrible things. (a picture of Superman Returns) And not just by him holding heavy stuff, but by standing up for what he feels is important. It doesn't teach you creative thinking or how to get out of bad situations, it takes a million steps backwards. Come what may to be followed by the better successfully (a poster of...) Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, I'm just gonna call it: there is no way it can possibly be worse than this.

PR: But don't worry, there's plenty of other superheroes coming your way, so sit back and enjoy. I'm the Private Reviewer. I remember it... (sadly) despite how much I don't want to.

(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll)

Tagline: Zod: I WILL FIND HIM!!