Nostalgia Critic- Jetix

Hyped up for action and adventure 24/7?! Then the Critic is about to show you the awesome-st (both good and bad) that the World of Jetix has to offer!

(After the Channel Awesome logo plays, everyone  were talking about the start of 2020. Since it’s the 20th anniversary of the Y2K generation, they agreed to talk about nice memories they had about the 2000s decade.)

Nostalgia Critic: So, it’s 2020 now. The 2010s have come and gone, and already, and the 2000s are about to be nostalgic soon. So, hope you all have great, cherished memories you wanna share?

Malcolm: YouTube auditions...and getting in my first Heelys.

Walter: These things blow.

Malcolm: Sure these suckers are hard to fit and control, but I enjoyed every minute of it.

Nostalgia Critic: That’s nice. How about you, Tamara?

Tamara: I got my first acting chops.

Nostalgia Critic: Nice going! How'd that turn out?

Tamara: Well, my parents are really against this. So I left. My mom got the message and backed off.

Walter: How about your dad? Did he kept badgering you?

Tamara: Don't worry. I shot him!

(Everyone pauses)

Heather: Dude!

Malcolm: Damn, Tamara. That is fucked up!

Walter: Girl power and stuff…? Well, one more season of ReBoot and online gaming.

Nostalgia Critic: Good choice, glad you grew up with it---cuz I didn’t. And you, Heather, got something in mind?

Heather: Of course. Kim Possible's fashion, birth of Patriot Day, Justin Timberlake in Hollywood! (squeeing)

Nostalgia Critic: (sarcastically) Uh-huh.

Tamara: Hey! That was my line!

Walter: Yeah! The hell with those stupid boy bands!

Malcolm: Yeah! They can all kiss my big black ass! They don’t even sound like they’re actually singing!

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, Mr. Zebub! Got any 2000s memories?

Satan: Oh yeah. 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the Great Recession, Disney buying Power Rangers, bird flu, the FCC screwing us over---

(Everybody is speechless)

Nostalgia Critic: (creeped out) Ooookay.

Yinyangyofan24: So, Critic. What 2000s memory you cherish the most?

Nostalgia Critic: Easy. Me starting the show as yours truly, the Nostalgia Critic.

Walter: Now you're talking!

(Yinyangyofan24 has a creepy smile; he is indeed excited)

Nostalgia Critic: And yes, Yinyangyofan24. I knew you were waiting for this.

Tamara: Hope nothing goes wrong.

Malcolm: Remember the last time we invited him to the cook-off…

(flashback shows a kitchen on fire and in a big mess)

Tamara: (on fire and screaming in pain)

Malcolm: (in bruises and a couple burns) Don’t mix the chili with the gasoline!

Yinyangyofan24: (a little whiny) But somebody labeled it hot sauce.

Malcolm: I don't care!

(Back to present day)

Malcolm: I can barely feel my back.

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, Yinyangyofan24. You’ve come this far. Tell us what you’ve got!

(Yinyangyofan24 proceeds, excited as he is.)

Yinyangyofan24: A lot!

Heather: (sighing) Oh boy…

Yinyangyofan24: Anime boom, Transformers going live-action, YouTube, Evanescence, Jetix, Shonen Jump, Flash-animated cartoons.

Nostalgia Critic: (impressed) Ooooh! That's a lot of good shit you'd endured. Glad you grew up with them and had---

(This moment is cut short when Malcolm angrily grabs Yinyangyofan24 by his shirt collar.)

Malcolm: (shocked) You watch Jetix?!

Yinyangyofan24: Of course I did! It’s one of the greatest lineups in television history!

Tamara: Oh my God! What is wrong with you?

Walter: Yeah! Jetix sucks!

Heather: It injects you with stupid, and replaces your brain with stupid!

Malcolm: Worse than friggin’ 4Kids anyday!

Yinyangyofan24: Just let me go! Okay?!

(Everyone shouts at each other.)

Nostalgia Critic: (whistles to stop the conflict) Whoa, whoa, time out! What’s all of the commotion?

Walter: Jetix! The most hated excuse for an idea…EVER!!!

Heather: The worst thing Disney made since Jonas Brothers and Fox ownership!

Yinyangyofan24: Bullshit! That’s fucking bullshit!

Malcolm: Shut up!

Nostalgia Critic: So?

Tamara: What do you mean "so?" Don’t you understand the magnitude of psychological damage this shit has done?!

Nostalgia Critic: I don’t care. It’s just Jetix. It can’t be THIS bad.

Malcolm: Just be glad you steered clear of it. (lets Yinyangyofan24 go and cools off)

(Just then, Yinyangyofan24 quickly recognizes it’s almost five o’clock! Do you know what that means?)

Yinyangyofan24: Ooooh! Speaking of which!

(He then zooms off in a flash.)

Tamara: What’s his problem?

Walter: Just as I thought. He ran off like a pussy he is!

Malcolm: Well, for the most part…unless--- (realizes Yinyangyofan24 is trying to watch Jetix)

Heather: What is it?

Malcolm: He is not!

Tamara: SHIT!

Walter: Don’t lose him!

Heather: Hurry!

Nostalgia Critic: (giving chase) Hey! Hey!

(Yinyangyofan24 is running across the entire studio, as fast as he can, while dramatic music plays. Everybody else is chasing him the same route.)

Critic: Guys! Slow down!

(After the title sequence plays, Yinyangyofan24 continues to race for the couch with a different dramatic music score playing , hoping to get to the TV in time. While that, Critic and co. are still chasing.)

Nostalgia Critic: Seriously. What’s with the Michael Bay transitions? It’s not big of a deal!

(And finally, Yinyangyofan24 gets to the couch in time, and turns the TV on. It plays the Jetix logo, much to his relief.)

Yinyangyofan24: Ah, Jetix! What can I do without you!

(Suddenly, the TV switches to Tom and Jerry, with its title sequence playing.)

Yinyangyofan24: Hey! Change it back! (gasps afterwards)

(After a dramatic sting, he turns to Malcolm, Tamara, Walter, and Heather, who caught up on him, with unhappy looks on their faces.)

Malcolm: Look. I beg of you, you’re too old for this crap.

Tamara: You’re still an adult, dude. Can’t you just hate everything?

Yinyangyofan24: Hmm, let me think---(barks) NO!!! (switches the TV back to Jetix, that is playing a promo) Besides, you don't act like adults enough either!

Heather: Excuse me?

Yinyangyofan24: Now scram, while I experience heaven on Earth.

Heather: God’s gonna be mad.

(Tamara switches the TV back to The Flintstones, also playing its theme from Season 3.)

Walter: Please. Jetix is BAD. They have the worst programming imaginable!

Yinyangyofan24: No! TLC is worse! If I were you, I'd reconsider!

Malcolm: (groans) No wonder he got fucked pretty hard!

(Yinyangyofan24 is about to change the channel. He is quickly stopped, however…)

Malcolm: Leave that shit off!

Yinyangyofan24: Never!

Tamara: Everybody will kill you for poisoning your five senses with this code-red stupidity!

Yinyangyofan24: (losing it) I’ll kill you all if you don’t shut up and leave me alone!

Walter: Whoa! Dude, just take a chill pill, okay?

Heather: Look, we don't want any trouble.

Yinyangyofan24: Well, you already asked for it, and you've got it! Now get the hell outta here before you make things worse!

(But the four don't pay much heed. Malcolm switches the channel to Ghostbusters 2, Yinyangyofan24 switches to Jetix, Heather switches to the Chargotron commercial, Yinyangyofan24 switches back to Jetix, Walter switches to lyrics from "Straight Outta Compton", and Yinyangyofan24 switches back to Jetix the third time. And before Tamara can even touch the remote to change the channel...)

Yinyangyofan24: (makes a scary face, enraged) BACK AWAY!!!

(Malcolm, Tamara, Walter, and Heather all scream in terror. Luckily, the Critic catches up with everybody.)

Critic: Hey! Hey! What's going on here?

Tamara: He's watching Jetix! And he's being a dick about it!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, let him.

Malcolm, Tamara, Walter, Heather: WHAT?!?

Walter: I thought you're on my side!

Nostalgia Critic: I am! (looks at the screen) Y’know, those blue and gray backgrounds were more mind-blowing than I remember them.

Malcolm: Wait, what?

Yinyangyofan24: (excitedly) You watched Jetix too?!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, a little.

Heather: No, Critic! A little’s one too many!

Malcolm: Run! Get out of here while you still can!

Yinyangyofan24: Leave him alone, Malcolm! Me as well! I’m gonna watch Jetix even in its death, and do you know possession is nine tenths of the law?!

Walter: Nice try, pal!

Heather: No bad deed goes unpunished. Get him!

Yinyangyofan24: (weak squeal in fear)

(Before anyone can ever touch a hair on Yinyangyofan24's skin, the Critic calls them out.)

Critic: Everybody, stop! Stop! (fighting stops; he then states calmly) Just, hear me out.

Walter: What do know about Jetix that doesn't piss you off?!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, you know, any number of things.

(Clips from various Jetix commercials, bumpers, and shows play.)

Nostalgia Critic (vo): In 2004 through 2009, Disney launched an action-oriented block called Jetix. Of course it wasn’t memorable as the Disney Afternoon, and didn’t last very long, given it approximately five years, but what it did was groundbreaking! And, yeah, I know that a lot of people hate Jetix, mostly because the shows weren’t well received by critics and audiences alike, and taking up 50% of Toon Disney’s programming.

Malcolm: Assholes!

Heather: Cruel. Selfish. Dumb. (shouts) WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!!

Yinyangyofan24: Really called for?

Nostalgia Critic (vo): Despite that, Jetix took risks and did what no other programming blocks would ever do: appearing every single day! I mean it, both mornings on ABC Family and primetime on Toon Disney! Hell yeah! But, just like Toonami, I didn’t watch enough Jetix in order to understand how much it impacted its viewers. I was on a verge of graduating college a couple months after its debut. I only watched it for its reruns of Gargoyles, X-Men, and The Tick. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s one of those things I defend. It’s because it surprisingly had a lot of potential. Alongside airing every single day on two channels, that’s going balls all out, they have a reputation for keeping their lineups consistent, original shows with promise despite being panned by critics, and an agreeably cool mascot! But sadly, Jetix’s promising future was snuffed by Disney due to poor business decisions. And that’s how Disney XD came to be.

Yinyangyofan24 (vo): Regardless, Jetix had EVERYTHING! It had bumpers, PSAs, games, a cool mascot, and an interactive TV card game!

(Everyone else except Yinyangyofan24 looked on in confusion.)

Yinyangyofan24: No, really. That actually happened!

Nostalgia Critic: How come I missed that?

Yinyangyofan24 (vo): And don't forget, the most kick-ass and sadly the most overlooked shows on air! Despite the effort put in their material, Jetix’s lifespan is pretty short: lasting from Valentine’s Day 2004 to Friday the 13th 2009. That’s just one day before it can even have its fifth anniversary! Nevertheless, those who love Jetix continue to talk about it even to this day. Thankfully, it has gained quite a cult following around a decade ago. While there only a few that can be viewed today, most of the shows sadly didn’t get a home video release, or even aired on TV anymore, not even for streaming. And they have already faded into obscurity.

Walter: (smacks Yinyangyofan24 on the head repeatedly with his hat.) Because…IT…IS…AWFUL!!!

Yinyangyofan24: Quit it! It’s not bad, just didn’t have enough momentum, that’s all.

Nostalgia Critic: And I still don’t know much about Jetix. I wonder if there is anyone who grew up with it so they can tell me what difference it made to so much.

Malcolm: Not me.

Tamara: Definitely not.

Walter: Take a wild guess.

Heather: Don’t ask.

Yinyangyofan24: That’s where I come in!

Nostalgia Critic: That’s great! You can tell us what kind of impact Jetix made to so much people. And we’ll follow along!

Yinyangyofan24: And please note that were not going to look at every single show on Jetix. If I missed something, please don’t attack us! We’re just keeping it short, fresh, and original as we can, both good and bad! So, no dubbed anime or reruns of older shows… (pics of Jackie Chan Adventures and Chaotic are shown) unless there are a couple I need to get off of my chest.

Nostalgia Critic: Don’t worry. We’re with you.

Yinyangyofan24: Thank you. And, keeping with the theme of the episode, I would like you to meet our special guest star…Jay! Yeah, that’s really his official name!

(The mascot, named Jay, of the Jetix logo, appears, being cheerful and greets everyone.)

Malcolm: (horrified as well as the other three with him) What the fuck is that?!

Tamara: It looks like an anime, cat-mouse thing, fused with the Mouse Trap marble.

(Jay, offended, morphs into a giant fist, punching Malcolm and Tamara.)

Malcolm: Ow!

Tamara: Oh, God! That hurt!

Yinyangyofan24: Now, now. Don’t insult Jay! He’s sensitive. (Jay winks) Is everyone ready?

Malcolm: (having enough) NOBODY SHOULD BE READY!!!

Nostalgia Critic: (groans) Christ! Would everybody just calm down?!?

Walter: No! We won’t calm down until you turn Jetix off, for good!

Yinyangyofan24: Too late! I am recording this review with my laptop. When we get this wrapped up, we’re gonna show it to the world how wonderful Jetix is! They’ll understand!

Nostalgia Critic: You know, have you ever heard that if you don’t like what’s on TV, then don’t watch it!

Malcolm: What are you saying?

Nostalgia Critic: If you don’t want to watch Jetix, then piss off! Don’t even complain about it!

Heather: Fine. But we’re still not happy over what you did.

Yinyangyofan24: Jay. Can you please show the guests the door?

Walter: No. We’ll go out ourselves.

(In just about a cut, the four are in the hallway after they closed the living room door.)

Walter: That ended poorly.

Tamara: We’ve got to stop them from watching that horrible channel.

Heather: Then we must do something about it!

Malcolm: Let’s use our heads. You guys got any ideas?

(We cut back to the living room.)

Nostalgia Critic: So much for them. Okay, Yinyangyofan24. It’s just you and me now. You can help me get through Jetix without anyone giving us static.

Yinyangyofan24: That is wonderful! Peace and quiet at last! Now, let’s begin…without any “interlopers” trying to get in our way---

(The Angry Video Game Nerd then appears on the laptop’s monitor.)

Angry Video Game Nerd: What’s up, motherfuckers?

Nostalgia Critic: Damn it! Not you too, Nerd!

Yinyangyofan24: Let me guess, you hate Jetix too?

Angry Video Game Nerd: Do I? I more than hate it, I forsaken it, just as how much God forbids sin! People who watch Jetix are stupid and so are you!

Yinyangyofan24: Too bad! I'm giving it the best shot it ever has! And I'm not going to waste it!

Angry Video Game Nerd: You want to succumb to this bullshit? I'm not gonna leave you alone until you change the fucking channel, you little, weirdo burrito bitch!

Yinyangyofan24: Why don't you beat it! I've wasted too much time already!

(He then hacks into the Nerd's computer with porn.)

Angry Video Game Nerd: Ugh! You dirty rotten bastard! You've really crossed the line now! (groans) Millennials, go fig!

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, NOW is everybody out of the way?!

Yinyangyofan24 (cooling off) Yes they are! Now we can finally get it off the ground. (gleefully) THIS IS JETIX! (imitates an electric guitar)

Nostalgia Critic: Your sudden change in emotion scares me.

(The World of Jetix theme songs starts playing.)

Yinyangyofan24 (with Ash Williams’ voice): YEAH, BABY!

Nostalgia Critic: Really necessary?

Yinyangyofan24 (rocking out like a maniac and forces the Critic to do the same as the theme plays): Come on! Come on!

(They do so while the song keeps playing.)