Jay and Silent Bob Into the Crossverse/Transcript

Transcript
Miramax

Dimension Films

Gramercy Pictures

SModcast Pictures

The Weinstein Company

View Askewniverse

Bert Bunny's residence

(Bert Bunny is watching TV and drinking a beer. There's a shadow lurking around the house, and then Bert Bunny thinks he hears someone and turns around to look out the window. He doesn't see anything so shrugs his shoulders and goes back to watching his show. Then, a hooded figure breaks in and attacks Bert Bunny.)

One week later

(A bird is flying peacefully through the sky and hits on the sign saying "Welcome to Ficville". It fades to Jay and Silent Bob selling weed at the Kwik-E-Mart.)

Jay: You wanna get hiiigh? Come see your pals Jay and Silent Bob! Only $20 to party. *to Silent Bob* I gotta feeling this would be a good place, Silent Bob. We'll be raking in the dough.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Otto: *walks up* Hey, Otto needs to get blotto.

Jay: You've come to the right place. $20.

Otto: Sweet! *hands him $20*

Jay: *hands him a bag of weed*

Otto: Pleasure doing business, man.

Jay: See ya next time.

Otto: *leaves*

Stewie and Brian: *goes into the Kwik-E-Mart to get a Squishee*

Apu: Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.

Stewie: Uh, welcome to America?

Apu: Thank you! I like America!

Brian: Why you gotta do that?

Stewie: Do what?

Brian: You know what I'm talking about. You see someone from a foreign country and treat them like they are fresh off the boat.

Stewie: Why do you have to be sensitive, man? I was just welcoming him to our country.

Brian: You're being a jerk and you know it.

Stewie: Whatever, man. Let's just get our Squishees. *to Apu* Two Squishees please.

Apu: *makes the Squishees*

Stewie: *pays*

Apu: Thank you! Come again.

Stewie and Brian: *leaves the store*

Jay: We're gonna get rich!

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jay: We're gonna sell so much weed here, make so much money, before you know it, we'll be livin' a life always dream of, Silent Bob. I'm getting hungry, and I know you wanna eat, tubby bitch.

Silent Bob: *gives Jay a look*

Bob's Burgers

(Jay and Silent Bob walk into Bob's Burgers and sit down at the counter.)

Linda: Hi there, welcome to Bob's Burgers!

Jay: My large friend's name is Bob. Did we get a discount?

Linda: Oh, a fellow Bob! How nice. Sorry, we don't offer a Bob discount, but maybe I sneak a extra fries on your plate. What can I get for the two of you?

Jay: *looks at Silent Bob*

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jay: Two burgers of the day and two sodas.

(The duo sit and wait for their food.)

Linda: Are you new in town? I don't think I've seen you before.

Jay: Yeah, me and Silent Bob here traveling for our business.

Linda: What business is that?

Jay: Pharmaceutical sales.

Linda: Oh, that sounds exciting!

(The News turned on.)

Tom Tucker: Good evening, Ficville, I'm Tom Tucker. Authorities are still investigating the murder of Bert Bunny. If anyone has any information about this crime, please call the tip hotline.

Bert Bunny's residence

(It has crime scene tape across the door, and reporters are waiting outside. Inside, the police are inspecting Bert Bunny's body.)

Chief Wiggum: A sick individual did this.

Joe: Strangling a rabbit with his own ears. I've never seen anything like it.

Dudley: How did we know he didn't kill himself?

Carter: 'Cause he strangled him with his own ears, you moron!

Dudley: You don't have be so mean about it.

Carter: You know you have to be so stupid.

Joe: That's enough of that. We're here to solve a crime.

Carter: Yeah, I know that's why we're here! I'm a cop too!

Joe: Well, let's look at the evidence.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say.

(They look for fingerprints and signs of forced entry. They also look for trace evidence. They caught Ralph eating fingerprint dust.)

Ralph: This pixy stix is disgusting.

Dudley: How did he get in this crime scene?

Officer Barbrady: Who let that kid in here?

Chief Wiggum: That idiot is my son! I mean, that kid is my son! Ralphie, how did you get in here? You shouldn't be here.

Ralph: My tummy hurts.

Joe: Go take care of your kid, Wiggum, we'll take it from here.

Meanwhile

(Jay and Silent Bob are walking around town.)

Jay: That burger was amazing, Silent Bob. Now you what we need? We need to go find some hot girls to hook up with.

Silent Bob: *nods in agreement*

Beavis and Butt-Head: *overhears Jay talking to Silent Bob*

Butt-Head: Those guys are looking for hot girls. We should follow them and try to score!

Beavis: Yeah, good idea!

Beavis and Butt-Head: *follows Jay and Silent Bob*

Jay and Silent Bob: *stop and turn to look at Beavis and Butt-Head*

Jay: Are you two following us?

Butt-Head: No.

Beavis: Yes.

Jay: Which is it? Yes or no?

Butt-Head: Maybe we just happen to be in the same direction. Uh huh huh

Jay: In which direction is that?

Beavis: The direction of the hot girls. We wanna score! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Jay: Silent Bob and I can respect that. That's what we're trying to do.

(They continue to walk at the same direction and walk into a strip club, and see men and women stripping.)

Butt-Head: *sees a naked woman* Come to Butt-Head.

Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna score!

Jay: What are you two stupid or something? This is a strip club, not a whorehouse.

Butt-Head: Uhhh, oh yeah, but there's a lot of horny women here. You see those chicks watching the male dancers? We just got to wait.

Jay: You know what? That's a pretty solid plan.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Beavis: Yeah yeah! Heh heh.

Coffee Shop

(The four are seated in the coffee shop, complaining in disappointment of not scoring.)

Jay: That was fucking ridiculous.

Beavis: Yeah, it was lame.

Butt-Head: That sucked.

Jay: I mean, I didn't want any of these chicks anyway.

Silent Bob: *nods in solidarity*

Beavis: Um, but like, are we still gonna try to score?

Butt-Head: We score all the time, it's okay if we don't for one night.

Beavis: What are you-

Butt-Head: *punches him in the throat*

(Dr. Ditto is sitting at the mirror by a table, sketching evil plans and drinking cappucino.)

Dr. Ditto: *mumbling to himself* Oh Ditto, you're a genius. This will be your best plan yet.

Jay: *notices Dr. Ditto* Is that crazy fucker talking to himself?

Silent Bob: *shrugs his shoulders*

Butt-Head: Uhhh, he's definitely talking to himself.

Jay: Let's wipe our fingerprints off of everything and get out of here.

Jay, Silent Bob, Beavis and Butt-Head: *leaves the coffee shop*

Dr. Ditto: You've done it again, Ditto. You're a genius.

Urkel: *trips and knocks the table over, spilling the cappucino* Did I do that?

Dr. Ditto: YOU IMBECILE!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!

Urkel: Now, now, no need to get so upset. I'll get you another coffee.

Dr. Ditto: IT WAS A CAPPUCINO!!!!! JAWSAW!!

Jawsaw: *stands behind Urkel*

Urkel: *turns to see Jawsaw* Oh, I hear my mom is calling me! It was nice meeting you! *backs away out of the coffee shop*

Dr. Ditto: Apprehend that weasel!!!

Jawsaw: Yes sir. *runs after Urkel*

Dr. Ditto: When do they ever learn? Well, I'll show them how they even came to be. I, Dr. Ditto, genius extraordinaire, evil mastermind, devilishly handsome, and cynically hilarious, vows to continue my quest to create mockbusters. The world will know the name Dr. Ditto! *laughs maniacally*

Ficville Police Agency

(Some cops are setting at desks, some walking around, some standing around chatting. Chief Malone tries get information on cases.)

Chief Malone: What kind of updates do we have?

Drix: I should have reports on my cases to you within the hour.

Chief Malone: Thanks. What about the rest of you?

Chief Wiggum: Reports? *looks at Lou* What's he talking about?

Lou: You know the paperwork police officers do?

Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, I knew that. I was just making sure you knew that.

Eddie: Sure he did.

Lee: *runs through the door* I get my reports right here for you. *sets them down*

Chief Malone: *reads them* Strong work, Lee.

Dudley: What does it say? *reads them* Armed robbery? Who made armed robbery? Wait a second... *reads them again* Is that Snake Jailbird!? Why would a snake use armed robbery??

Kitty: He's definitely not a snake, Dudley. Snake's real name is Chester Turley.

Dudley: Is Chester a snake?

Kitty: NO!

Desk Clerk: *hears the phone ringing and answers it* This is Police Agency.

Aika: Help! Somebody is breaking into my house! You have to hurry!

Desk Clerk: We have a... break in progress. Who wants to take it?

Dudley, Kitty, Carter, Officer Barbrady: *raises their hands* I do!

Aika's house

(The police cars speed down the road with their lights flashing and sirens blaring. They pull up to the house and get out with their guns drawn.)

Carter: Dudley, Barbrady, you take the back, Kitty and I will take the front. On my count: one, two, three! GO!

Dudley, Kitty, Carter, Officer Barbrady: *rushes into the house*

Carter: *sees the hooded figure run by* I got him! Find the girl, and make sure she's okay! *chases after him*

Hooded Figure: *knocks down Barbrady as he runs by*

Carter: *jumps over Barbrady and continues his pursuit*

Dudley: *bursts in* It's the police! Are you in here, are you okay?

Aika: *cracks the door open* I'm here, don't shoot. Thank you so much for coming. I was so scared. Did you catch him?

Dudley: One of our men is in pursuit, so... he's getting at it.

Neighborhood

(Carter is chasing the hooded figure through the neighborhood.)

Carter: Stop!

Hooded Figure: *looks back and keeps running*

Carter: Gonna stop sometime. *picks up his radio* Chasing the suspect on foot! Send backup!

(Suddenly, a police car is rushing towards them, slams on the brakes and stops the hooded figure.)

Robocop: *steps out* Stop right there!

Carter: *catches up and points his gun at the hooded figure* On your knees, scumbag!!

Hooded Figure: Anata wa watashi o kontorōru suru koto wa dekimasen.

Carter: Why is nobody speaking English?!

Hooded Figure: Naze watashi wa anata no tame ni sore o kantan ni suru nodesu ka?

Carter: Who are you?

Hooded Figure: Anata wa watashi o ninshiki shite iru to omoimasu.

(The hooded figure grabs his robe and took it off, revealing himself as a ninja named Tarantula.)

Carter: *gasps* Tarantula!

Tarantula: Watashi no hyōban ga watashi o zenshin sa seru no o mimasu.

Carter: Why did you kill Bert Bunny?

Tarantula: Masutaditto wa watashi ni so itta.

Carter: You work for Ditto, DON'T YOU?!

Tarantula: *chuckles* Hai-sodesu *jumps and kicks Carter across the face, sending him flying to a fence*

Robocop: *shoots twelve rounds at Tarantula*

Tarantula: *quickly pulls out his katana and slices the bullets*

Robocop: *throws a punch at Tarantula*

Tarantula: *blocks it and throws Robocop aside*

Robocop: *recovers and throws a punch again*

Tarantula: *catches it with one hand*

Robocop: *throws another punch*

Tarantula: *catches it again, then kicks Robocop, sending him flying to the door*

Carter: *gets up* Now you made me mad! You won't like me when I'm mad! *dashes at Tarantula*

Tarantula: *karate chops Carter in the neck*

Carter: Mommy!

Tarantula: *grabs a smoke bomb and throws it at the ground, disappearing*

Robocop: *rushes to Carter* Sir, are you okay?

Carter: Yeah, expect I'm mad that dude got away.

Quick Stop

(Jay and Silent Bob are selling weed outside the Quick Stop as Dante walks in the door for work.)

Dante: *sees Jay and Silent Bob and shakes his head* I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Jay: Jay and Silent are outside the Quick Stop today!

Randal: *pokes his head out the door* That's not news. Losers are always out here.

Jay: Shut up, Randal. You're a douche. *turns to Silent Bob* Why is this guy such a prick?

Silent Bob: *shrugs his shoulders*

Harold and Kumar: *walks up to Jay and Silent Bob*

Kumar: Hey dudes! Long time no see! How ya been?

Jay: Oh yeah, I remember you dudes! We're cool as shit! What brings you to Quick Stop?

Kumar: Looking for some green if you know what I mean.

Harold: It's awesome running into you, dudes.

Kumar and Silent Bob: *does a fancy handshake*

Jay: You've come to the right place. What can I do for you?

Kumar: Can I get two?

Jay: That'll be $40.

Kumar: *hands him the money*

Jay: *hands him the two bags*

Kumar: *puts them in his pocket* Okay, Roldy, let's get some drinks and snacks.

Harold and Kumar: *goes inside the Quick Stop*

Randal: Tell me you didn't just buy something from those two idiots.

Kumar: Okay, I won't tell you.

Harold and Kumar: *get the drinks and snacks and bring them to the counter to pay*

Dante: *rings them up*

Kumar: What's up with your coworker?

Dante: Nothing, he's just a total douche.

Randal: I heard that.

Dante: Well, I wasn't trying to be quiet.

Harold: Come on, Kumar, let's get out of here. *looks at Dante* Have a good day, man.

Harold and Kumar: *leaves the store*

Chateau Genie Malefique

(Dr. Ditto is sitting in a large wingback chair, stroking his white cat Skittles.)

Dr. Ditto: It's a good today, Skittles. Your master got lots of evil plans made.

Werebbid 1: *approaches Dr. Ditto and gibbers*

Dr. Ditto: I am not concerned. Tarantula's very good at what he does. The police are no match for him.

Skittles: *hisses at the Werebbid*

Werebbid 1: *whimpers*

Dr. Ditto: *laughs*

Werebbid 2: *runs through the door and gibbers*

Dr. Ditto: I don't know what everybody IS SO WORKED UP ABOUT!!! DID YOU ALL REALLY THINK THAT WERE BE NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT!? A CRIME WAS COMMITTED! A MURDER!! OF COURSE THE POLICE ARE GOING TO BE INVOLVED! OR YOU SAYING I'M STUPID? DO YOU THINK THAT I, THE GREAT DR. DITTO, DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS?!! You're lack of faith in me is despicable!!

Werebbids: *hug each other fearfully*

Tarantula: *approaches and bows down* Masuta Dojo. Keisatsucho ga tochaku shimasu.

Dr. Ditto: And?

Tarantula: Karera wa watashi o hanzai ni musubitsukeru mono wa nani mo naku, anata ga miru yo ni, karera wa watashi o tsukamaeru koto ga dekimasendeshita.

Dr. Ditto: As usual, your work pleases me. The rest of you should remember that I am smarter than all of you good together. So, you need not worry about my plans. Now, we must continue getting rid of these fictionals.

Mirena: I'm ready to be of service. *leaves*

Punch: I'm ready to fuck up some fictionals. *leaves*

Jawsaw: I'm ready to play. *leaves*

Tarantula: Watashi wa anata o shitsubo sa semasen. *grabs a smoke bomb and throws it at the floor, disappearing*

Dr. Ditto: Ah, it's been a good day, Skittles. Let's go take a bubble bath and go to bed.

Ficville Police Agency

Chief Malone: So you're saying Ditto is behind this?

Carter: Yeah, that's what we're saying!

Chief Malone: You don't need to be a wise ass, Carter. I should have known it's good to know confirmation. Now that we know we're dealing with Ditto. We're having to have to take a different approach. This is not some ordinary criminal. Keswick, show the pictures.

Keswick: *turns on the screen*

Police and agents: *gasps*

Officer Earl: That is despicable! That is terrible! That is the worst thing I have ever seen!

Officer Barbrady: Oh my... *faints*

Osmosis Jones: *throws up at Chief Wiggum's shoes*

Chief Wiggum: *throws up at Osmosis Jones' shoes*

Kitty: How are gonna solve these crimes? You all even can't keep your lunch in.

Carter: This dude is sick. *to Chief Malone* It might help to bring Vanessa in on this.

Chief Malone: It's not a bad idea. *calls Vanessa* Ditto is killing fictionals. The agency needs your help.

Vanessa: I've been trying to get Ditto behind bars for years, count me in.

Chief Malone: Do you think we should offer a bounty?

Vanessa: It can't hurt. It's cheap manpower.

Chief Malone: My thoughts exactly. We need all the help with this that we can get.

Ficville Mall

Jay: No better place to pick up chicks than at the mall.

TS: You got that right.

Brodie: It's like a buffet of honeys.

Silent Bob: *nods*

(Suddenly, a man runs out of the store near Jay and Silent Bob.)

Lady Clerk: Stop that man! He's a thief!

Jay and Silent Bob: *runs after him*

Jay: *throws his soda at the guy in the head*

Thief: *stumbles*

Silent Bob: *tackles him*

Paul Blart: *comes up in his segway* Thank you, kind citizens. I'll take it from here.

Lady Clerk: *comes up to Jay and Silent Bob* Thank you so much. *gives each of them a kiss on the cheek*

Jay: It ain't no thing. Silent Bob and I are always happy to help a damsel-in-distress.

Vanessa: *approaches Jay and Silent Bob*

Jay and Silent Bob: *notices Vanessa*

Jay: It's look we have another admirer.

Silent Bob: *smiles and raises a eyebrow*

Vanessa: That was impressive work. Are you two in law enforcement?

Jay: No, we're not the fuzz.

Vanessa: Are you bounty hunters?

Jay: No, that would be badass.

Vanessa: Well, I think you got some potential.

Jay: I never been told I had potential before. *to Silent Bob* You hear that, Silent Bob? We've got potential! *to Vanessa* What's your name, lady?

Vanessa: Lady? I was expecting something less chivalrous. My name is Vanessa, and I'm a secret agent.

Jay: No fucking way! For real?

Vanessa: For real.

Jay: You want Silent Bob and I to help?

Vanessa: If you're interested.

Jay: Whaddya think, Silent Bob? Are we intrested?

Silent Bob: *shrugs*

Jay: What did you need us to do?

Vanessa: I need you help track down and capture Ditto and his henchmen. They are killing fictionals.

Jay: That's fucked up. I think we saw that dude in the coffee shop.

Vanessa: *gives him a business card* Be at this address. Tonight, at 9pm. We'll go everything we need to know. *leaves*

Jay and Silent Bob: *looks at each other*

Jay: We're gonna be bounty hunters.

Ficville Police Agency

(Jay and Silent Bob arrive at the Police Agency and went inside.)

Jay: We're here to see that Vanessa chick.

Roz: Oh really? I would've thought you were here to turn yourself in for some crime.

Jay: Silent Bob and I are not criminals, we're bounty hunters!

Roz: Could've fooled me. I'll let Vanessa know you're here. *calls Vanessa* There's two losers here that claimed to be bounty hunters. *turns to Jay* She'll be right with you.

(Jay and Silent Bob wait for Vanessa. Roz's phone rings.)

Roz: *answers the phone* Of course, I have nothing better to do. *hangs up the phone and turns to Jay and Silent Bob* Apparently, I need to escort you back. *escorts them to the conference room*

Vanessa: Have a seat, gentlemen.

Jay and Silent Bob: *sits down*

Vanessa: Thanks for coming. I have begun recruiting bounty hunters to assist us in finding and capturing Ditto and his henchmen. These two gentlemen are our first recruits.

Carter: That look like low-life drug dealers to me.

Jay: Who are you calling low-life?

Carter: I see you didn't deny being called a drug dealer.

Jay: Silent Bob and I aren't drug dealers, we just sell weed.

Farva: Can we just get started? Some of us things to do.

Chief Malone: I'm sorry, didn't you have some more important to be?

Farva: Uh, no sir.

Chief Malone: Alright, Vanessa, let's get started.

Vanessa: *shows a presentation of Ditto and his henchmen* Tarantula who was chased down by members of the Police Agency and he escaped in a cloud of smoke. Jawsaw is as dangerous as he looks. Punch, don't let his looks fool you, he's a crazy fucker. Mirena, don't be fooled by her beauty and charm, she's deadly. And Dr Ditto, the one in charge of all of these others.

Jay: Let's go out and find these fuckers!!!

Chief Malone: Not so fast there, cowboy. You two need some training.

Jay: Training? All we gonna do is to find these dudes and tell them to come with us or we're gonna blow their heads off.

Chief Malone: Well, we're not blowing anyone's head off, and I need proper training to make sure we bring them in alive.

Vanessa: I don't care if they come in dead or alive, as long as we get them in. However, we would prefer to keep YOU alive so you would need some training.

Jay: Fine, let's get this over with.

On the way to the training room

(Vanessa is escorting the guys to the training room.)

Vanessa: I'm gonna leave you two with Agent Zed.

Jay: Who the hell is that?

Vanessa: One of our special agents. He'll be conducting your training. *types the code and opens the door* Good luck, gentelmen.

Jay and Silent Bob: *enters the training room, looking around*

Agent Zed: Welcome, Jay and Silent Bob. I'm Agent Zed, let's get you boys trained. *presses a button*

(The floor door open and a deck of weapons come up)

Jay: I think I'm gonna like training. Which one of those can I have?

Agent Zed: Not so fast. We'll go over each of these and figure out which one is the best one for you. I know you're anxious to get out to find the bad guys, but we do have to go over a few things first: like weapons training, procedures, and some of the boring stuff like paperwork. Nobody likes it, but we gonna do it.

12 hours later

(Jay and Silent Bob have glazed overlooks and are ready to pass out.)

Agent Zed: Alright, you're training is done. Let's pick out your weapons.

Jay: Oh, thank fuck. I didn't think this dude was ever gonna stop talking.

Silent Bob: *nods in agreement*

Jay: Alright, let's go catch these fuckers!

Downtown

(Vanessa is driving Jay and Silent Bob downtown in her agency vehicle.)

Jay: I can't wait to catch these fucks!

Vanessa: Me too. I really want some answers, but at this point, I'd be satisfied just stopping them.

Jay: Silent Bob and I will stop them. We're not gonna let them kill anymore fictionals.

Vanessa: I sure hope so. Ditto has been a thorn in my side for years.

(The agency car stops at Jabba's Hut.)

Vanessa: This is a popular hangout for criminals. We might have luck in here.

Jay and Silent Bob: *looks at each other*

Jay: You wanna check it out, Silent Bob?

Silent Bob: *shrugs*

Jay: How do we get in?

Vanessa: Read the sign.

Jay: *reads the sign* "No heroes allowed". How are we supposed to get in? We're heroes.

Vanessa: *rolls her eyes* Didn't you pay attention in training? You gonna wear a disguise. *actives her disguise watch, disguising as a smuggler*

Jay: Whoa! That's badass.

Vanessa: Active your disguises.

Jay and Silent Bob: *actives their disguise watches, disguising as supervillains*

Jay: Let's go kick some ass.

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *walks out of the car*

Bowser: *stops the trio* Password.

Vanessa: It's good to be bad.

Jay, Silent Bob, and Vanessa: *goes inside the clubhouse*

Jay: I gotta bad feeling about this.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Vanessa: Keep your cool. Remember your training.

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *looks around*

Vanessa: They're not here, but maybe somebody has seen them. We'll have to start talking to some of these folks and see what we can find out.

Jay: That's what I was going to suggest.

Vanessa: *spots Goro* I'm looking for someone that help me out with a problem I've been having.

Goro: *points at the bead curtains of Jabba's room*

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *goes inside Jabba's room*

Jabba: Coo's this?

Vanessa: You really don't know who we are? I'm one of the greatest smugglers in the area. My name is Scarjoh Brohos.

Jay: I'm Stormer. *points at Silent Bob* This is Gray Granite.

Jabba: Oh tagwa, jee remember.

Vanessa: I'm hoping you can help us. I'm looking for someone that's stiffed me on a job. *shows a picture of Ditto*

Jabba: Uba're looking che Ditto?

Vanessa: So you know him.

Jabba: Obviously.

Vanessa: Can you tell us where to find him?

Jabba Che du che copah. Uba claim Tah be du grancha ulwan. Prove it by bringing je something jee naga An jee'll tell uba konchee tah find him.

Jay: You tell us where to find him and we'll bring you what you want.

Jabba: *laughs*

Vanessa: We'll reward you for the information.

Jabba: Uba have du bargon, ulwan. But, if uba cross je, jee will feed uba tah ta rancor.

Jay: *rolls his eyes* Silent Bob, that tubby bitch make you look slim.

Vanessa: Shut up, you idiot!

Jabba: Wait du minute. Haku did uba settah?

Jay: I didn't say anything. That dude just farted.

Bane: *walks up behind Jay and Silent Bob and take their helmets off*

Villains: *gasps*

Crocker: INTERLOPERS!!!!

Vanessa: Wow, it took a whole 10 minutes to blow our cover.

Jay: Yeah, I got something you can blow.

Vanessa: *rolls her eyes* Very mature.

Jabba: Jay an Silent Bob? Haku are uba doing wata?

Jay: Man, we already told you, we're looking for this Ditto dude. He's got a massive bounty on his head, and me and Silent Bob are in it for the money.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Jabba: Haku sa ta cheeka doing foo uba?

Swiper: *swipes Vanessa's disguise watch, then gasps, stammers, and faints*

Jabba: *gasps* It's ta police cheeka!

Vanessa: Special agent actually.

Jay: Doesn't it really matter? What do we do?

Vanessa: Naturally, we escape.

Jabba: *pushes the button*

(They fall and slide down, Jay and Silent Bob are screaming, and then they get to the bottom of the slide)

Jay: Fuck, we're gonna die. I love you, Silent Bob. You're my best friend, you tubby bitch.

Jay and Silent Bob: *hugs each other*

Vanessa: When you're done being dramatic, you think you can help me?

Jay: Dramatic? Not being dramatic, we're gonna die!

Vanessa: Exactly, you're being dramatic. We're not gonna die. Seriously, did you pay attention to training at all? If you notice, it's asleep. But if you don't shut up and start moving, that's going to change very quickly.

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *creep past the sleeping rancor*

Jay: *steps on the bone, crunching it* Uh oh.

Rancor: *wakes up and growls*

Vanessa: Way to go.

Jay: It's dark in here, I can't see shit.

Rancor: *roars at them*

Vanessa: Run!

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *runs off*

Rancor: *pursues them*

Villains: *laughs*

Shredder: Tonight, the beast dine on human soup.

Carnage: It's going to be spectacular.

Jabba: *chuckles*

Vanessa: I'm going to distract it with these flares, you two look for a way out. See if there's a panel or a grate anywhere. *pulls out a flare* Ooh, look at this. *waves it around and then throws it*

Rancor: *chases it*

Jay: *finds a grate*

Jay and Silent Bob: *trying to open it*

Jay: I think we can get through here.

Silent Bob: *pulls out a crowbar and opens the grate*

Jay: Kickass, Silent Bob.

Jay and Silent Bob: *give each other a high five*

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *goes through the grate*

Jay: Ugh, smells like dog shit in here!

Vanessa: Better than getting eaten by that thing.

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *runs, finds a ladder, and climbs up*

Silent Bob: *opens the manhole*

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *climbs out and runs*

Villains: *runs out of the clubhouse, chasing the trio*

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *gets in the car*

Villains: *surround the car and bangs on it*

Jay: Drive!!! Get us the fuck out of here! Run these fucks over!

Silent Bob: *pulls out a orangutan whistle and blows it*

Vanessa: What is that?

Jay: It's a monkey whistle. Silent Bob is a genius.

(They hear gunfire, villains start running, they look through the back window and Suzanne's got Uzi guns.)

Jay: Bitchin'! Suzanne's got Uzis!

Jay and Silent Bob: *gets out of the car*

Silent Bob: *hugs Suzanne*

Jay: That was fucking awesome, Suzanne! You saved our asses back there!

Suzanne: *grins*

Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne: *gets in the car*

Vanessa: You know what? I'm not gonna even ask. I'm just glad we got saved when we did. *drives off*

(They drove through Ficville with Suzanne in the car. However, they suddenly stop at the mockbuster warehouse.)

Jay: What are we doing here?

Vanessa: Looking for clues to track down the bad guys.

Jay: Where are we? A zoo?

Vanessa: *sighs heavily* You've been briefed on all of this. You really haven't payed attention, have you?

Jay: Duh, I'm just messing with you. *looks at Silent Bob*

Silent Bob: *shrugs*

Vanessa: Just keep quiet and follow my lead. We don't need anymore screw ups.

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *gets out of the car and enters the warehouse*

Vanessa: This is a mockbuster hot spot.

Jay: Well, duh, that's pretty obivious by all the films, comics, video games, tv shows, and anime and shit. *reads the names* Thunderdogs, The Land Before Space, Blokemon...

Vanessa: Yes, thank you. Can we move on?

Jay: I was talking to Silent Bob. *continues reading the names* Doctor What, Earthling vs. Predator, Space Trek.

Jay and Silent Bob: *keeps moving on*

(Tarantula crouches on the catwalk, spying on them.)

Jay: Did you get the feeling you're being watched...?

Vanessa: Yeah, I feel it too.

Silent Bob: *puts his fingers on his temples and closes his eyes*

Jay and Vanessa: *looks at Silent Bob*

Jay: Shhh. Let Silent Bob do his thing.

Silent Bob: *opens his eyes and points where Tarantula is hiding*

Jay: There's somebody up here.

Vanessa: How do you know?

Jay: Nobody knows he does what he does, but you gotta trust the process.

Tarantula: *pulls out his kunai and throws it down*

Jay, Silent Bob, Vanessa: *dodges out of the way*

Jay: Told ya.

Tarantula: *jumps and lands in front of them* Sore wa anatadesu.

Jay: *looks at Silent Bob* Uh, do you understand what he's saying?

Silent Bob: *nods*

Vanessa: Yes, it's me. So we meet again.

Jay: Do all of you motherfuckers speak Japanese?

Tarantula: Watashi wa kono ni~tsu o kitai shite ita, Vu~anessa.

Vanessa: Well, we've been looking for you. Where's Ditto?

Tarantula: Watashi no shujin wa mada kare no teitaku ni imasu.

Vanessa and Tarantula: *start fighting*

Tarantula: Insho-teki. *snaps his fingers*

Werebbids: *rush in, looks at the full moon and transform*

Jay: What the fuck?! *to Silent Bob* Do you see this shit or am I trippin'?

Silent Bob: *rubs his eyes, opens them wide, and looks at Jay and nods*

Vanessa: Werebbids? I didn't think those were real.

Tarantula: Masuta no subarashi sakuhin no mo itsu.

Werebbids: *dashes at Jay and Silent Bob*

Jay and Silent Bob: *slides under them and runs*

Werebbids: *pursues them*

Vanessa and Tarantula: *continue fighting*

Jay and Silent Bob: *running from the Werebbids*

Jay: *pulls out Paws and throws it at a Werebbid*

Werebbid 4: *falls*

Werebbid 3: *trips*

Jay and Silent Bob: *climbs over a shelf*

Werebbids: *jumps on a shelf*

Jay: We're at a dead end. If you got any bright ideas, now's the time to share.

Silent Bob: *pulls the shelf over, crushing the remaining Werebbids*

Jay: Snoogins.

Jay and Silent Bob: *runs back to help Vanessa*

Tarantula: *pulls out his katana and swings at Vanessa*

Vanessa: *dodges the katana and punches him in the face*

Tarantula: *kicks her legs out under her*

Silent Bob: *pulls out a crossbow and fires it*

Tarantula: *catches it*

Jay: *jumps and does a karate kick at him*

Tarantula: *recovers* Anata wa watashi o tomeru koto ga dekiru to omoimasu!?

Jay: I'm sure I'm gonna try. *throws a punch*

Tarantula: *grabs Jay by the arm and throws him out of the warehouse to a gun shop*

Jay: Son of a bitch! *notices a rocket launcher*

Silent Bob and Tarantula: *fighting each other*

Tarantula: *throwing punches*

Silent Bob: *blocking the punches*

Tarantula: *kicks Silent Bob in the balls, then walks over to Vanessa* Kore de shuryodesu! *pulls out his katana*

Jay: *runs back in* HEY SPIDER-BOY!

Tarantula: *looks at Jay*

Jay: *pulls out a rocket launcher* SNOOCHIE BOOCHIES!!!! *fires the rocket launcher, killing Tarantula*

Vanessa: *gets up* I can't believe you just did that. That's awesome.

Jay: You thank me later. *winks, then catches Tarantula's head* Isn't what I had in mind when I said I'd like some head.

Silent Bob: *laughs silently*

Ficville Police Agency

Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne: *walks in*

Jay: Silent Bob and I killed that fucker for you. *pulls out Tarantula's head* Where's our reward, man?

Chief Malone: There's no denying he's dead.

Jay: No shit.

Chief Malone: *notices Suzanne* What's that monkey doing here?

Jay: She's mine and Silent Bob's monkey.

Suzanne: *razzes*

Chief Malone: Why do you and Silent Bob have a monkey?

Jay: We just do, okay?

Chief Malone: Okay. Anyway, good work on eliminating Tarantula.

Chateau Genie Malefique

(Dr. Ditto is watching Your Giant Horse on TV with Skittles, and the Werebbids walk in injured.)

Dr. Ditto: What are you doing here?

Werebbid: *gibbers about Tarantula's death*

Dr. Ditto: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE! YOU ARE LYING! WHAT WOULD YOU SAY THAT!? TELL ME THE TRUTH!

Werebbid: *gibbers*

Dr. Ditto: Who is this Jay and Silent Bob?

Werebbid: *shows him the picture of Jay and Silent Bob*

Dr. Ditto: These two losers killed one of the best men? I don't believe it! *turns on the light signal*

Alley

(Jawsaw is beating people and biting their heads off till he sees a light signal.)

Jawsaw: *gasps* Ditto needs me! *runs out of the alley*

Kitchen

Punch: *punches the cook twice* POW! Take off that! POW! Take off that! Here, have a dash of this and a smidge of that! *beats the cook to death with a club* You've been Punched! *gets out of the kitchen and sees a light signal, then gasps* The boss needs me! *gets in the cook's car and drives off*

Strip Club

(Mirena is watching strippers as Quagmire approaches her.)

Quagmire: Hey baby, how about we go back to my room and do a little stripping there?

Mirena: *grabs Quagmire by the throat and throws him to the ceiling*

Quagmire: What's that?

Mirena: *looks up* I gotta go. *leaves the strip club and goes into the sewers*

Chateau Genie Malefique

(They arrive at the mansion and Ditto is waiting for them.)

Dr. Ditto: Now that you're all here, I can inform you that Tarantula has been killed.

Punch: Is that some kind of joke? 'Cause it's not funny.

Dr. Ditto: YOU THINK I WOULD JOKE ABOUT THIS, YOU STUPID PUPPET!? Tarantula has been killed by two men known as Jay and Silent Bob.

Mirena: Leave them to me.

Jawsaw: No, I will be the one to kill them.

Punch: If they took down Tarantula, I'm not going near them.

Jawsaw: Coward.

Punch: I'm not gonna even argue with that.

Dr. Ditto: I don't care which one of you takes them down. Just... DESTROY THEM.

Jawsaw: With pleasure.

Jawsaw, Punch, Mirena: *leaves the mansion*

Ficville Police Agency Cafe

(Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne and Vanessa are having a meal.)

Jay: Who are we taking out next?

Vanessa: Whoever we gotta find.

Jay: I wanna know who's left.

Vanessa: There's Jawsaw, Punch, and Mirena.

Jay: Where do we find them?

Vanessa: The Police Agency has been tracking their movement, but so far, we haven't been able to determine any predictable patterns. So, we're gonna have to hope we get lucky.

Silent Bob: *nods thoughtfully*

Vanessa: Mirena has been known to frequent some strip clubs.

Jay: Fuck that. I'm not going to hang around to watch some guys to whip their schlongs out.

Vanessa: Female strip clubs.

Jay: Let's go there first.

Strip Club

(Vanessa's car arrive to the strip club as the trio go inside.)

Vanessa: Let's split up and ask around to see if anyone has seen Mirena.

(Vanessa walks around, checking things out, Silent Bob sits at the bar and gets a beer, and Jay goes to sit at the stripper stage.)

Vanessa: *bumps into Quagmire* Oh, excuse me.

Quagmire: Oh, it's my pleasure.

Vanessa: Uh, okay, that's so weird response.

Quagmire: What is a beautiful woman like you doing in a place like? How about we get out of here?

Vanessa: *shows him her badge*

Quagmire: You got handcuffs to go with that badge? Giggity, giggity.

Vanessa: *rolls her eyes, then shows him a picture of Mirena* Have you seen this woman?

Quagmire: Oh yeah! She wasn't here not to long ago, left in kind of a hurry.

Vanessa: Did you see where she went?

Quagmire: No, she looked out the window, and the next thing I know she was gone.

Vanessa: Alright, thanks for your help. *walks over to Jay* She's already been here and left. Let's move on.

Fan Con

(They drove to the Fan Con and they get out of the car.)

Jay: Ah, a Fan Con.

Vanessa: Are you familiar with Fan Con?

Jay: Silent Bob and I have been wanting to come to Fan Con for years.

Silent Bob: *nods*

Vanessa: Why I guess it's a perk of this mission. Let's go inside.

Jay, Silent Bob, Suzanne, Vanessa: *goes inside*

Jay: Let's deploy our little spy.

Silent Bob: *lifts Suzanne to the vents, then gives her a lighter and a gas can*

Suzanne: *crawls through the vents*

Vanessa: That's one way to do it. One thing is for sure you guys may have your own way of doing things, but you get it done.

Jay and Silent Bob: *smile smugly and nod*

Jay: Fuck yeah, we do.

Vanessa: Let's have a look around.

(The trio looked around but are unaware that Punch and Jawsaw are present.)

Punch: Get your mockbusters! Get your mockbusters here! I've got copies of Stanley Poppins! *notices Jay and Silent Bob* Psst! Jawsaw, I think it's those two murdering assholes.

Jawsaw: Where?

Punch: *points at Jay and Silent Bob* Over there.

Jawsaw: There's no way those two killed Tarantula.

Punch: Are you calling the boss a liar?

Jawsaw: Of course not!

Jay and Silent Bob: *spots Deadpool*

Jay: No fucking way! Silent Bob! Look! It's Deadpool!

Silent Bob: *gasps silently*

Jay: Let's go talk to him.

Jay and Silent Bob: *walks over*

Deadpool: Sayonara.

Jay: Hey Deadpool, my man. I'm Jay, and this is Silent Bob. We're big fans.

Deadpool: Well, who isn't? I'm awesome.

Jay: I agree.

Deadpool: So you want a autograph or somethin'?

Jay: Do you know about Dr. Ditto and henchmen, and the fucked shit they're up to?

Deadpool: Yeah, I know. Makes me sick. Let me tell you both of HOW I know them well.

Flashback

Deadpool (v.o.): I was sitting at the cafe, minding my own business, drinking a cappucino and eating a pastry. When all of the sudden, this jackass and a couple of his goons approach me, wanting me to join their team. First of all, I don't work with anyone. Second of all, they gave off a nefarious vibe. And even though, my moral compass doesn't always point North. I do try to be on the side of right. Well this dude, apparently, doesn't like being told no. So he tried to send one of his goons and some so-called Werebbids after me. I told him "no means no". And we've been enemies ever since.

Flashback ends

Deadpool: Now that's a story I told you.

Jay and Silent Bob: *looks at each other, then looks at Deadpool*

Jay: He's bad news, and Silent Bob and I are all going to take all of them fuckers out. We already killed the one they call Tarantula.

Deadpool: Really? *to the audience* Now, why don't I believe that these two doofuses could take out one of these most skilled villains of all time? But I guess anything's possible.