WWIII/Transcript

Act One: Power Plant POWER!

 * *Title appears on computer screen, as captions of what the narrator is currently saying appear.*


 * Narrator: We all thought there were only gonna be two world wars. Only two involving Hitler, only two as a whole. Not now there ain't.
 * *Captions stop appearing over text as footage of rebels and Shock Soldiers in combat appears*
 * Narrator: Thought Hitler was bad? You ain't seen sh*t until you have seen Douglas Artur.
 * *Footage of planes shoooting down at Morum forces at a Forward Operating Base appear.*
 * Narrator: Heh. At least we were victorious once, though. Hell, those malicious Morums might not have a chance this time.
 * *Wireframe model of a duo of rebels escaping with secret plans appears.*
 * Narrator: You know why? We stole their plans. Their damn plans go rebuild the ISS into an armored advance base.
 * *Wireframe models of a cargo ship in a firefight with a gunship appears, exploding a bridge.*
 * Narrator: Right now they are in a gunfight with the Morum. Right now I am in a Morum power plant, attempting to use it as an explosives. The one chance we have is the janitor-
 * *Gunshot sounds and blood sprays on the screen. Slow pan out to see the narrator's corpse.*
 * Rebel 1: BREEN!
 * Rebel 2: There's nothing we could have done.
 * *Pan out of the power plant, we see a naval battle commencing between the two ships. A voodoo doll and a burlap sack walk by. The potato sack looks uneasily towards the doll.*
 * R: Arrgh! Th' Morums seem t' be winnin' yet again! Any plans, C?
 * C: Dunno, R. Kinda stumped.
 * Rebel 3: SHOCK SOLDIERS!
 * *C and R run through the midst of combat between the Resistance and Shock Soldiers. Bodies drop.*
 * C: Uh, R? You got any! R? R? R?
 * *R is nowhere to be found.*
 * C: R?
 * *C finds R under a girder and some gravel. His optic is shattered.*
 * C: Oh sh*t! R!
 * R: C... I... I...
 * C: What is it?
 * R: ...I ne'er wanted an eyeball on aft o' me. I only ever wanted t' focus on one thin' at a time.
 * C: Well, guess you kinda got your wish. In a painful, gruesome, disturbing way.
 * R: Aye t' th' gruesome 'n disturbin' part. But as an artificially intelligent robot, I cannot feel pain.
 * C: Come on! We have got no time to lose! The icebreaker departs in one minute!
 * *C and R run to the cable ship right as it is about to go off. The container ship sails through the colossal ocean as war drums play. The instrumentation ship reaches the destroyer.*
 * Captain Marc: Okay, we are ready. Fire the cannons! *Drinks a Slurpee.* Ah, now what are you all waiting for? YOU WILL GET NEITHER VACATIONS NOR 7/11 IF YOU DO NOT CONTRIBUTE!
 * *Everybody fires the cannons. The cannonballs basically just bounce off of the dreadnought.*
 * Captain Marc: Son of a bitch! Well, we are SO dead.
 * *Cut to the merchant ship sailing away firing cannons from the back of the ship, racing through the large body of water. It is pursed by the huge Battleship. One hundred dangerous rockets streak from the Gunship, exploding the starboard of the Merchant Vessel.*
 * C: Well, this is the end of us.
 * R: Ahoy, calm down, C. We can be infinitely repaired, as long as our souls are kept.
 * *An explosion causes the range ship to shake as C and R run through the military firing machine guns at the battleship.*
 * C: Well, Mother Blucher! We should have stayed at the atomic furnace!
 * R: Yeah, I thought going on here was your idea, C?
 * C: SUCK A FAT ONE!
 * *The soldiers rush past the duo as they aim their Gardner Guns towards the hull.*
 * C: Wait, wait, WAIT! R, we kinda could make it out alive! Long as the Shocks do not have dark magic!
 * R: Dammit, C! I was basically tellin' ye th' exact same thin' a minute ago!
 * C: But Lady Katherine? Yeah, lets see her escape over a bottle of scrumpy.
 * *The wall is dented by what appears to be a crowbar.*
 * C: O sh*t? What could that be!
 * *This phrase angers another sack boy.*
 * O: HEY! I am standing right here, ya know!
 * *The titanic rams into the warship. Everyone falls down.*
 * C, R, & O: AH!!
 * Captain Marc: Hey, no lying down on the job! I need those Shocks dead and pushing on daisies!
 * C: Uh... those kinda mean the same things.
 * *A humongous missile is fired from the battleship, exploding a gap in the hull of the reefer ship.*
 * R: We be gonna loot on water if someone does nah fix this hole!
 * *Terrifying Shock Soldiers swim into the gunship. A frenetic firefight starts between the two sides.*
 * O: Alright, I think we will be safe if we just-.
 * *O gets shot.*
 * C: O?
 * *O pukes out the bullet, along with an almond, amaranth, fish fingers, and feces, undamaged.*
 * R: Phew, O was safe th' whole time!
 * *O plays with the bullet.*
 * C: NO, O! Do NOT do that!
 * *C takes away the 5.56x31mm NATO round.*
 * *All of the rebels are seen dead on the floor after the battle.*
 * R: Uh... we best be gettin' away.
 * *C and R runaway, leaving O behind to barf out a motherboard as the Shock Soldiers give chase.*
 * C: Look, R, okay? Try not to do that stunt O did with the bullet. By now he has probably vomited out his mobo!
 * Captain Marc: Hey, you two! Grab on!
 * R: Okay, Blimey, but I shall pretend I 'ave arms.
 * *R "eats" C, and C grabs onto Marc's leg. Shock Soldiers approach, and Marc grapples away.*
 * Captain Marc: Okay, R, we are here!
 * *R barfs out C, along with a slice of Angel Food Cake, a Serum, an Apple Core, and Apple Pie.*
 * C: Aw sh*t, now I am gonna smell like RALPH.
 * Captain Marc: No time to argue about stink, we gotta cross!
 * *C, R, and Marc run over the bridge ladder as Shock Soldiers shoot at them from below.*
 * Captain Marc: So, you guys were part of Soul Harvest, no?
 * C: Yeah, you know, nothing has really changed since then. Except I am 6" tall now.
 * *Douglas Artur and a group of Shock Soldiers walk out from the hall.
 * R: Oh no, I farrgin' hate this scallywag.
 * Captain Marc: Hey, DA. And about time, too!
 * *Captain Marc gets a cup of espresso from the coffee machine.*
 * Captain Marc: So, how is life? You know, hating all the Rebels, destroying entire nations, killing-
 * *Captain Marc is grabbed by the neck by Douglas Artur.*
 * Douglas Artur: Do not play the brainless card, I know you have the instructions to the ISS.
 * Captain Marc: Wait. Lemme try and remember.
 * *Captain Marc gets a milkshake, then drinks it before spewing it in Artur's face.*
 * Captain Marc: Oh yeah! I do not have those plans Lady Katherine does!
 * Douglas Artur: WHERE IS SHE?
 * *Artur tightens his grip.*
 * Captain Marc: On the... bomber... plane... flying... off from... the power... plant-
 * *Artur throws him into the ship's furnace. He screams as an ignition is heard.*
 * R: They... they scuttled 'im. They farrgin' scuttled 'im. C, fer th' lust o' sh*t barnacles, run!
 * *C and R run away as Douglas Artur steps towards them and grabs R as C escapes.*
 * C: Wow, we sure made it out quick, right, R? R? R?
 * *Cut back to the room. Douglas Artur is holding R menacingly above the fireplace.*
 * Douglas Artur: So, what are you hiding in that zipper of yours?
 * R: It ain't th' Space Station instructions, I swear t' god! It... 'tis... pegleg pics.
 * Douglas Artur: PEGLEG PICS?
 * *Artur lowers R.*
 * R: Yeah, I shall let ye unzip it t' make sure!
 * *Artur unzips R and looks at some photos. He steps away, shocked.
 * Douglas Artur: The instructions are not with the bag. Marc must have conceded. Go to the cargo plane!
 * R: So, wha' are ye gonna do wit' me now? 'ave a cup o' coffee o'er a natter, or -
 * *Artur tosses an inflatable dinghy with R in it off of the Tank Ship.*
 * R: Uh, thank ye? I guess. Aw, son o' a cur, if I fall into th' water, I shall short circuit! Then I shall jus' be a soul trapped in an immobile body...
 * *C searches the tanker frantically.*
 * C: R? R? R?
 * *C runs to the deck and finds R in the tender.*
 * C: R! Yes! Wait, what happened?
 * R: I got caught by Douglas Artur, 'n he looked at photographs o' me pegleg!
 * C: ...uh... okay, then. How am I gonna save you.
 * R: Well, crikey, then! Hop in!
 * C: ...uh... alright, I guess. This is a ginormous risk, but alright.
 * *C jumps in and lands on the life boat.*
 * C: YES! I did it, I did it!
 * R: C, me lad, ye be gonna be th' next Daredevil!
 * C: Kingpen is more of my kinda character, but alright then.
 * *The destroyer approaches. The Shock Soldiers fire small bullets at the life raft. It begins to sink.*
 * R: Sh*t barnacles.
 * *Water begins to leak into the dinghy.*
 * C: Oh, sweet mother farrger! What are we gonna do?
 * R: Belay that! Get th' tape from inside o' me! Artur ne'er loot it out from me mouth!
 * C: Okay then...
 * *C searches through R's mouth.*
 * C: Is this it?
 * R: No, ye idiot! I didn' mean th' log kind o' tape!
 * C: Okay, okay, you party pooper. This?
 * R: That be a wad o' gum, but 'tis still adhesive! Patch this dinghy up, lad!
 * *C throws the chewing gum onto one hole.*
 * R: That be th' ticket! But really, get some actual tape from me mouth!
 * *C, disgusted, puts his hand in R's mouth again, and rips off a strip of duct tape.*
 * R: Jesus Christ that hurts!
 * C: It WAS your idea to put tape on your uvula.
 * R: Sigh. Just put it on.
 * C: Wait, did you just literally say "s

Act Two: Through the Tunisian Deserts

 * *C and R crash land in Tunisia.*
 * C: Ouch, that hurts.
 * R: I reckon I got somethin' stuck t' me!
 * *There is a condom on R's face.*
 * C: Really, A FRICKING CONDOM? HOW COULD YOU R? HOW COULD YOU?
 * R: Dunno.
 * *Some of the sandy wind dusts and blows off the condom*.
 * C: Good, should we get up?
 * R: Yeah.
 * R: Look, moss on a rock!
 * *R rolls over to it.*
 * R:They say if ye fall th' seaweed, ye get great results!
 * C: That is probably just a green tentacle or some green fire.
 * R: But 'tis solid! It cannot be fire!
 * C: Doesn't matter, we are hopelessly lost.

Act Five: ISS Escape

 * *Pumped Up Kicks plays as Bill and Anthony shoot up the Shock Soldiers in their Shock Soldier outfits.*