Parody Wars Episode I: The Pretzel Menace Transcript

TITLE CARD : A long time ago in a galaxy episode far far far far far far far far far far far away [yeah that's real far]

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by

a roll up, which crawls up into infinity.

EPISODE 1 THE PRETZEL MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to

outlaying star systems is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the

greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of

Naboo.

While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of

events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights,

the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the

conflict.....

PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great

speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads towardthe beautiful green planet of

Naboo, which is surrounded by hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the cruise, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver closer to one

of the battleships.

QUI-GON : (off screen voice) Captain.

The Captain turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.

CAPTAIN : Yes, sir?

QUI-GON : (V.O) Tell them we wish to board at once.

CAPTAIN : Yes, sir.

The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a Neimoidian trade

viceroy, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN : (cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the

Ambassodors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.

NUTE : Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh...as you know, our blockade is perfectly

legal, and we'd be happy to recieve the Ambassador...Happy to.

The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister battleship

looms ever closer.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE (FX)

The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of the Federation

battleship.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE

A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking bay. Two WORKER

DROIDS, PK-4 and EG-9 watch.

PK-4 : They must be important if the Viceroy sent one of those useless

protocol gearheads to greet them.

The door opens, and the Republic cruiser can be seen in the docking bay.

Two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.

TC-14 : I'm TC-14 at your service. This way, please.

They move off down the hallway.

EG-9 : A Republic cruiser! That's trouble...don't you think?

PR-4 : I'm not made to think.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST CAMERA into the

formal conference room by TC-14.

I hope you sirs with the most comfortable here. My master

will be with you shortly.

The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI- GON JINN. He backs out the

door and it closes. The JEDI lower their hoods and look out a large window

at the lush green planet of Naboo. QUI-GON sixty years has long white

hair in a ponytail. He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. OBI-WAN is

, with very short brown hair, pale skin, and blue eyes. Several

exotic, bird-like creatures SING in a cage near the door.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I don't sense anything.

It's not about the mission, Master, it's

something...elsewhere...elusive.

CAPTAIN Crap it's Liam Neeson! the guy from Taken and Aslan from the first Narnia!

Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan He's just a fan of my work. Keep your concentration

here and now where it belongs.

Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...

and the future stats you'll be playing a talking candle and starring in Fargo.....but at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the

living Force, my young Padawan.

Yes, Master...how do you think the trade viceroy will deal with