Nostalgia critic Birdemic

[We cut to the Nostalgia Critic who is walking to his room while loads of comments are flying around saying to review Birdemic ]

NC[VO]:I have reviewed loads of  movies from Bat Credit Cards to battlefield Earth.But now it is finally time to encounter one of the biggest flops ever since Zach Snyder and Michael Bay combined! The people have been asking for it [during the voice over is getting his coat hat and tie on too prepare for the review]This will be my biggest review ever!!

[Nostalgia Critic grabs his gun and stares menacingly at the DVD of birdemic we then cut to the intro of the nostalgia critic then cuts to the critic in his chair]

NC:Hello i'm the Nostalgia critic I remember it so you don't have to! This is it I have found it,I'm finally reviewing one of the biggest f bombs in all of Hollywood! The #1 Worst Movie of all time...Birdemic logo is shown and cuts to a picture of James Nguyen]

NC[vO]:Director James Nguyen is like one of the worst director ever behind Shyamalan Bay and snyder. Nguyen has made some films that have nobody has even heard of until in 2008 he decided to work on birdemic [cuts to footage] It's dumb stupid useless straight out of hell and incredibly awful!

[cuts back to NC]

NC:And it's time to take a look at this shit

(NC starts hearing noises and goes to the other room,Inside the room are Malcolm and Tamara in lab-coats. Tamara's typing on the computer in a rather weird way.)

NC:All right guys give me the status.

Malcolm:Well everyone has been requesting you to review this movie but Critic are you sure you want to review this?

Tamara:You know there are other movies you can look at right?

NC:No i can take it i survived Batman and Robin,Garbage pail kids,The Room and Battlefield Earth.i'm sure I can take this lousy cheap disaster.

Tamara:well if your screaming in torture don't come begging for our help

[Tamara and Malcolm keep typing on the computer]

NC:This is Birdemic

[cuts to footage of Sunday drive through the hillside]

NC[VO]:So the movie starts with just a normal drive on a hillside [the drive keeps going until it cuts back to the Nostalgia Critic]

NC:[grabs remote] OK I'm bored next! [opening scene is fast forward which cuts to the waitress]

Waitress:Hi

NC:This is rod played by Alex Bagh.

[NC looks through his book of actors guide and dosen't see the name Alex Bagh]

NC:Nope haven't heard of him

NC:[VO]: So Rod decides to talk to someone he thinks he met before

Rod: I think I know you from somewhere.

Natalie: Really?

NC:[mimicking Rod] yeah we met during the beginning of filming, I was the guy who ripped the script and pleaded Spielberg to save me

Natalie: Thanks. Well then...

[cuts back to NC getting confused]

NC:um...Did part of her line get cut out?

Natalie: Thanks. Well then...

sound Recorder:whoops cut part of the audio i'm pretty sure the director won't notice!

Reporter: In other news today, the population of polar bears is declining...

NC[VO]:excuse me but you might want to move that camera down a bit cause it's too high just move it a little

NC[VO];So Rod decides to head back to the restaurant to try and meet that girl again [Rod keeps driving and driving cuts back to NC who is getting bummed out]

NC:Really is he still driving? i mean seriously you decide to film a guy just randomly driving yet not cut to transition or cut any of the footage? [cuts back to footage] [VO] I mean seriously you just spend a few minutes just filming  a guy getting to work? How would you like it if star wars V had a awkward conversation during the cloud city battle?

[cuts to footage from episode V]

Luke:He told me enough! It was you

who killed him.

Vader[played by Malcolm]:No Luke I am your father!

luke:Noooooo!

[everything goes quiet for 6 seconds]

Vader:so...your really my son.

Luke:yeah not exactly what i had my mind considering the fact that you chopped my hand off and would probably be replaced with a robot hand and get zapped by the emperor so yeah pretty weird.

Vader: Not my best idea to tell you I'm your father

Luke:So I'm guessing that your going to force me to join you and I jump all the way down and hang from a wire

Vader:Nah Lucas doesn't pay me shit.

Luke:Can we just get back to the twist?

Vader:Sure it's not like I'm auditioning for Lion King But what can I say i'm badass Vader!

[music plays and Vader starts dancing]

NC[VO]:So after driving for like 11 minutes He...sits down and gets to work? [cuts back to NC] I'm sorry I never thought I said this but...What does this have to do with birds?[cuts back to footage]I mean by God are you seriously just showing a random guy's life on camera What is this a VH1 Reality Show it dosen't make sense

NC[VO]:So rod decides to start flirting with Natalie

Natalie: Thanks, that's sweet.

Rod: I work at a start-up company called NCT Software. Got the stock option. Hopefully, if the company makes it big...

[[cuts to a clip from MST3K]

Crow:Well that was neat but what the heck does it have to do with the movie.

[Cuts to the romance scene of Rod and Natalie]

NC[VO]: so the two decide to...make love in the bedroom?

[cuts back to NC]

NC; OK first off isn't that a little creepy to leave a camera? then how would kids know to not watch this movie? ]cuts to IMDb Birdemic saying Not Rated]

NC:Not rated then how are kids supposed to know they're supposed to watch it unless you put this [cuts to footage then shows the word blocked on the front

[cuts back to footage]

NC:[VO]:and Second are you seriously just going to film two people making love! what kind of movie has no plot at all, and only focuses on-[cuts to a movie poster of Fifty Shades of Grey] You knew that was coming!

NC[VO]:So  after that non love scene Natalie gets greeted by her mother and believe me this mother is probably the only one who is trying

Mom: What's that smile all about?

Natalie:What are you talking about mom?

Mom:Cmon you know i see it on your face

[cuts back to NC]

NC[VO]: She's like the Bea Arthur [cuts to a picture of Bea Arthur] in this movie you just want to see more of her.

NC[VO]:So we get a boardroom meeting about the solar panels and Rod pitches his idea but first a shymalan transition

[cuts to the slide whistle sound from signs review]

[cuts back to NC]

NC: [chuckles] that never gets old

Rod: these solar panels are based on syliconic technology [cuts to guy whispering]

NC:[voicing guy whispering]:Wanna sneak off set i could be watching paint dry right now

Rod:it's simple it's low cost and it uses digital technology

[cuts to a clip from Rick and Morty]

Boss: [snaps fingers] Yes!

Manager:So how much money were you requesting?

Rod;$10.0000!

NC[VO]:I think that was how much James Nyugen spent to make this movie [looks at .Birdemic DVD cover saying how much this movie costed]Hey what do you know right on the cover.

NC[vO]:Just then the boss comes in for some great news!

Boss: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some great news. Our board of directors have agreed to the acquisition of NCT Software Bioracle Corporation for a billion dollars!

NC:[vO Boss]Not only that but the director is planning a sequel.

Employees:[sarcastic] yay!

[Everyone continues to applaud]

[CUTS BACK TO NC]

NC[while applauding]:Yay I'm just going to applaud for the next 2 minutes

NC[VO]: So I know what your thinking What is taking those god dam birds so long? well finally the birds start attacking the people and I think it we'll have the best CGI effects in all-

[Suddenly birds fly into the shot, and explosions occur]

[CUTS BACK TO NC who's IMMEDIATELY shocked after the animation he's seen he takes off his glasses and starts to get FRUSTRATED]

NC:Is that what you think of when you hear CGI Mr.Nyugen? I mean CGI! THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL CGI? THIS DOESN"T LOOK LIKE CGI IT LOOKS MORE LIKE CLIPS YOU GATHERED FROM A GREEN SCENE EFFECT!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT ANIMATING IS? NO WONDER YOU MADE THIS MOVIE HORRIBLE YOU SIR HAVE NO TALENT IN MOVIES!!![just then Malcolm and Tamara burst through the door]

Malcolm:Critic You have to see this

[Critic Malcolm and tamara go to the computer and see the ratings of birDemic]

Tamara:Look at the views people are actually rising up to Mr.Nyugen

[cuts to a picture of mobs with pitchforks and yelling]

NC:Wow people are understanding that how horrible this movie is

[cuts to a no scope who is aiming for the nostalgia critic's head]

[cuts to a masked man covered in a spec ops suit like vulture from spiderman homecoming]

Masked Man[with a dark voice like Kylo Ren's]I been watching your reviews lately and I finally have you where I want you Mr Critic.

[the no scope is still on the nostalgia critic's head]

NC: Hey do any of you feel like someone wants to snipe you?

Malcolm:Nah must be the movie getting to you.

NC: Oh!

[cuts to commercial break then heads back to footage of Birds fly towards the characters as they wave wire hangers wildly at them]

NC[vO]:So the birds start attacking and the best weapon is...hangers?

Cuts back to NC]

nC:what was Dennis's slingshot taken? hey unless you make a bow and arrow out of those hangers like Maguyver then your pathetic.

NC[VO]: So Rod and the team come across a bridge with a man on the other side

[while footage is playing it cuts to a voice over from Monty python and the holy grail]

GALAHAD: There it is!

ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death!

ROBIN: Oh, great.

ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!

Dr. Jones: Hey, stand back. These birds are contagious. Now, go away!

NC[VO]: so Rod asks the doctor that they should just talk things over about whats going on and wonder what made these birds get crazy there could be few suggetions

[words during voiceover]

NC[VO CONT]: so what is it doc/New species of birds? Nuclear Radiation? scientific test on a new study for birds?

[cuts back to NC]

NC:Explain movie explain!!!

Dr. Jones: No way. They're dead from the, uh, bird flu virus. But what I do know is global warming is causing viral diseases such as bird flu, West Nile Virus, and SARS. But there is scientific evidence to show that because of our burning of fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gasses, which is causing global warming, it's raising the temperature of the seas and, and species like the krill are dying.

NC: [jaw drop and gets frustrated] Wait that's how you will explain  whats happening Global warming and a viral disease such as bird flu? [VO] when did I go from watching a VH1 reality show to watching the fucking Animal Planet? [animal planet bumper is shown from 2008] It's just pointless

Rod: Hi, the eagles killed our friends, uh, do you have a phone I could use to call the police?

[CUTS BACK TO NC]

NC:Ridiculous bullshit in 3 2 1!

Clerk: No, I'm sorry. All phones, from the eagle attack, all phones are dead up here.

[Cuts back to NC]

NC:What a twist even it wasn't much of a twist but still what a twist!!!

NC[VO]:So let me get something straight they have no phones and their FRIENDS are dead well they better have guns cause you can't stop a huge fake ass bird war without-

Clerk: Well, you know, from the eagle attack, we are short on gas, but it's $100 a gallon if you want.

CUTS BACK TO NC facepalming]

NC:Geez they have no guns or nothing to defend themselves except gas? Geezus Fuck what kind of store is this? what commercial would they do if they wanted to promote this store?

[cuts to a store commercial portrayed by Jimmy Salesman]

jimmy Salesman: hi folks jimmy salesman here at the not so great store [shows logo]

Jimmy [CONt]:we hot not so much stuff we have [cuts to a hanger] hangers for 50 cents [cuts to gas]we got a gallon of gas for $100 and don't forget if birds ever start attacking then we have no phones!!! [cuts to birds attacking and a phone with a empty prohibited sign on the phone

Jimmy;[underneath the not so Great store logo]The not so great store:where we have nothing at all except gas [the commercial ends and Jimmy ges shot be a sniper from the masked man]

Masked man:meh he wasn't my target but he was annoying anyways

NC[VO]:so Rod goes to find a gun when--

Cowboy: Howdy.

Rod: Hi.

N[VO]:a Tim Mcgraw impersonator

Cowboy: [He pulls out a gun and points it at Rod.] You're gonna sell me some gas now.

[cuts to a clip from gremlins 2]

Wil Andersen: Get the hell off my spread!

NC[VO]:So the cowboy asks if he can have some gas for his truck

Cowboy: Can you sell me some gas for my truck?

Rod: Sorry, but we need it.

NC[[VO]; yeah they need it for gas and if you think they would ever

[Cowboy walks off with gas]

NC:[facepalm] OMG this movie is turning me into a idiot. I'm not sure how this movie could get any

[cuts to a scene where the cowboy get his neck chopped off by a falcon NC immediatlly does anotherr face palm while grabs the word logic and breaks it in half]

NC:so much for logic and that character! [cuts back to footage VO] Plus they don't grab the gas were they just like let's leave it has deadbody all over it What the Hell!

NC[VO]:So the team gets on the road and They meet a friendly forest creepman who informs them about...beetles?

Tom: Even worse, the Spruce Bark beetles are eating these trees to death and turning them from green to red. I remember when those beetle used to die out during the winter.

NC[vO tom]:we can talk all day about my recent beatle collection for the next 10 hours if you want to.

Rod: Dammit! We ran out of gas!

[CUTS BACK TO NC]

NC:well maybe if you dunderheads would have picked up the gas before YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS!!!

NC[vO]:so they just sit there and do nothing for the next few MINUTES until the birds return and start attacking!

[the birds start attacking them]

NC:[vO Rod]:The only thing i have for a weapon is a fishing pole!!!

[the birds start leaving]

NC[VO]:Wait they're leaving? why why are they leaving? Were they just bored of the movie?! are they moving south for the winter EXPLAIN movie explain!!!

[the movie ends]

[CUTS BACK TO NC]

NC: And that was birdemic so Crow what do you think the lesson of this movie is?

[cuts to a clip from MST3K]

Crow:don't watch it

[CUTS BACK TO NC]

NC:Yeah he's got a good point....CAUSE THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER!!!

[cuts back to footage]

NC[VO]:The acting is bland the characters are stupid THE FILMING IS BORING AND THE EFFECTS ARE JUST MOTHERFUCKING aWFUL!!!! I[cuts to footage of The Room foodfight BATMAN AND ROBIN and Troll 2]HAD REVIEWED SOME AWFUL SHIT IN MY DAY BUT THIS! THIS IS THE NUMBER 1 backstabbing laziest and regretfully THE WORST THING SINCE SLICED ONIONS ON A CARTOON NETWORK REBOOT! IT IS JUST SO FUCKING BAD [cuts to a picture of Birdemic 2]AND THEIR IS NO WAY i'M REVIEWING BIRDEMIC 2 CAUSE THIS MOVIE IS SHYAMALAN MEETS MICHAEL BAY MEETS JOEL SCHUMACHER!!!

[cuts back to NC]

[explosion is heard from across the hall from all the hate on this movie]

Malcolm and Tamara[vO]:It's a miracle!!

NC:i'm the Nostalgia Critic and by god i have witnissed the worst movie i have ever seen!

[nostalgia critic starts to get up from his chair when all of a sudden he's hit by a blow dart]

Nc:[starting to fall asleep]Ducktales...

[he immediately passes out on the floor and asleep right next to the masked man who takes off his mask and revealed to be Jontron]

JonTron:Oh don't worry critic the funs just getting started! [he holds up a copy of The Little Panda Fighter and fades to black]

[cuts to end credits]

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[bird sound effect]

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