Back Alley Blitz/Transcript

Pre-Lo-Fight
(Our heroes, Keith and Cherry, are going for a walk down the city street)

Cherry: Ah, what a lovely day for a walk!

Keith: Yeah...Just takin’ in the sights of the city...The buzz of neon signs...The...smell of char?

Cherry: It’s probably just burned hot dogs.

Keith: No, I think it’s comin’ from that back alley…

(Keith and Cherry look in the back alley to see where the weird smell is coming from. They see a strange humanoid man, quite tall in height, with a bomb for a head, flipping through the pages of a newspaper)

Whitty: Hmm...Nope. Not on that page either…

(Keith seems to recognize this living bomb. Cherry does, too, since her parents have had some history with this mysterious bomb-headed menace)

Keith: Wait...Is that...Whitty?! Whitty, the famous rockstar? Whitty, the mysterious singer whose fabled “unbeatable technique” has never been recorded?

Cherry: Yeah, Whitty. Sworn enemy of my parents.

Keith: Your parents sure have a lot of sworn enemies.

Cherry: I try not to pry too much. We shouldn’t pry on this guy either. He probably knows about you from all your rap battles and he definitely knows about me.

Keith: You think he knows me? Then...I could challenge him to a battle! And then...If I could get him to teach me that technique, nobody your folks sent after me could ever separate us again!

Cherry: I really don’t think this is a good idea...

Keith: C’mon, it’ll be fine. Let’s go!

(After flipping through the newspaper, Whitty finally finds the page he’s looking for. The article has Daddy Dearest’s face on the front)

Whitty: And there it is. All this time and they’re still talkin’ about it…

(He rips the newspaper in half and burns it to ashes)

Whitty: (sighs) Guess I’d better keep layin’ low...

Keith: Hey!

Whitty: Huh?! Wh...whuh?

(Whitty turns around to see Keith and Cherry standing behind him)

Whitty: Who…

Keith: Beep-boop!

Whitty: Oh. You two.

Keith: (whispering) He knows us!

Whitty: Would both of you kindly leave me alone? I don’t want anyone knowin’ I’m here.

Keith: (thinking to himself) Okay, gotta make him wanna fight. Time for a BURN!

(Keith speaks in his game voice)

Keith: Bip boop beep.

Whitty: ...Listen, I ain’t lookin’ for trouble tonight. Just leave and all will be cool. And, uh, that one doesn’t translate so great into English.

Keith: (thinking to himself) Dang, that was a good one, too! Fine, have a FANCY burn made out of ACTUAL words, your royal bombness.

Keith: Your skills don’t translate so great into winning!

Whitty: …

Keith: So? Whaddya got to say about that?

(With that, the first song starts)

Lo-Fight
Keith: Hey! Waitin’ for your comeback! Are you just gonna stand there?

Whitty: Got better things to do Than tradin’ old-school burns with you, kid!

Keith: You’d better get your ice pack! These burns ain’t goin’ nowhere!

Whitty: Please, dude, don’t get me riled Don’t wanna destroy a child! I would appreciate bein’ left alone That’s all I’m askin’! Give me some peace and quiet Or you might end up in a casket!

Keith: But that’s what I’m here for! You’ve seen me beat all the rest, man! You know I can keep up Show me why they call you the best, man!

Whitty: I gave up singin’ a while back!

Keith: But why would you?

Whitty: It didn’t work out, and that’s that!

Keith: But how could you give up when you hit your peak?

Whitty: Things changed up really fast

Keith: You were in headlines for weeks!

Whitty: Stop askin’ ‘bout my past!

Keith: Was it a messed-up solo? Wouldn’t want to repeat it!

Whitty: You’re fine, my problem’s mine So buzz off, kid, don’t waste your time here!

Keith: C’mon, man, let your skills show! Then I promise I’ll beat it!

Whitty: Trust me, kid, you’re not ready! You’ve been goin’ steady with your girl for a while And while I’m not a fan of her old man I don’t wanna take you from her Or leave her folks without their child!

Keith: Stop tryin’ to protect me I’m talented, cute, and funny! So, if you’d just let me I’ll give you a run for your money!

Whitty: That’s why I don’t wanna fight you!

Keith: Don’t chicken out on me now!

Whitty: No tellin’ what I’d say or do!

Keith: I’m spittin’ until you show me what you’ve got!

Whitty: Why won’t you let me be?

Keith: C’mon, give it one more shot!

Whitty: Listen up carefully… No way!

Keith: Had enough?

Whitty: Get lost!

Keith: Show your stuff!

Whitty: Beat it!

Keith: Set your hidden powers free!

Whitty: You don’t know me!

(Song finishes)

Keith: But I will know you once the battle heats up! And you’ll know me better too!

(Upon learning that Keith wants to battle and won’t leave him alone, Whitty starts to get a little agitated)

Whitty: I see how we’re playing this game of yours.

Keith: Allright! You’re finally warmin’ up!

Whitty: You’re really pushing my limits here, dude.

Keith: Why don’t you show me what you can really do this time?

Whitty: Well, how about you go die in a ditch instead?

Keith: Aw, YEAH! Finally, a real comeback! NOW we’re playin’ with fire!

Whitty: ...Don’t make me do this. So let me take a wild guess.

(As a siren is heard in the background, the second song starts)

Overhead
Whitty: You thought you’d walk up to me Burn me and outdo me Look real macho for your girlfriend Leave me bruised and beaten?

Keith: Hold on, you got it twisted! I rapped, you resisted! Don’t care if I win or lose Just wanna walk in your shoes!

Whitty: That’s a dangerous game Filled with heartbreak and pain!

Keith: I’ll listen if you talk! Spill the tea, why’d you give up rock?

Whitty: Wasn’t my choice to quit Her parents made me so I did it!

Keith: Hold the phone, it was those guys? No way, did they make you with their demon eyes?

Whitty: Wasn’t magic or some curse They betrayed me and that hurts worse!

Keith: So you guys used to be friends Til they made your music end?

Whitty: Best of friends, stardom or bust The only people I thought I could ever trust!

Keith: Sounds like you guys were close… Why would they shut down your shows?

Whitty: When they found me, we were nobodies!

Keith: They weren’t winning in the beginning…

Whitty: Took me in under their wing Inspired me to rap and sing with ‘em!

Keith: Sounds like they were really nice So what did they do, give you bad advice?

Whitty: Booked a venue, asked me to sing with ‘em too!

Keith: So your big break was just a giant mistake?

Whitty: They both pressured me into it Gave my best, but then I blew it!

Keith: So you tried to sing but it was baited Had no practice, did they hate it?

Whitty: That’s the part that shocked me Everyone was cheerin’ for me! Mom said I had style

Keith: (Ooh, go on!)

Whitty: And Dad said no one could ignore me!

Keith: (What else?)

Whitty: Musta covered up the awful end I gave to ‘em Then before we knew it…

Keith: (No way!)

Whitty: We got big, they got me my own album!

Keith: (By yourself?) So let me get this straight: They gave you everything they had Got you onstage

Whitty: (That’s right.)

Keith: And helped clean it up when things went bad

Whitty: (That part too…)

Keith: Motivated you to sing more Helped you sign on a record deal After all of that...

Whitty: (Careful.)

Keith: They stabbed you in the back - are you for real???

Whitty: (Or they’ll trick you!) Suddenly, the deal went south They wouldn’t print the album without Havin’ a track that sounded like The one I messed up playin’ out!

Keith: Oh no...And if you tried… After all you did to hide That bad part at the end You’d never get signed again!

Whitty: I was gonna quit, couldn’t do it…

Keith: Ran in fear of losing your career…

Whitty: Then they burst into the room With glowing crimson eyes of doom blazing!

Keith: They made you perform the song so it went wrong? Wow, that’s amazing!

Whitty: They started yellin’ at me Put me in a state of fury Muscles started tensin’ up

Keith: (Oh no!)

Whitty: Vision gettin’ really blurry

Keith: (How could they?)

Whitty: Screamed and screamed Til screaming finally reached its end Thought I made it through But last second I blew it again!

Keith: Musta been such a heartbreak To see your friends betray ya But there musta been A good reason the two of them made ya

Both: Those two musta realized With a talent that strong I/you couldn’t be beat I’d/You’d become bigger So they joined forces to cheat!

Keith: So let’s see it!

(Song finishes)

Keith: Well, can you show us your unbeatable technique? Let’s see it!

(Upon learning that Keith wants to see his legendary “unbeatable technique”, Whitty finally reaches the end of his rope and starts shaking violently)

Whitty: You...After I shared all that...You’re still making me do it???

(The living bomb snaps, crushing his microphone like a soda can)

Whitty: Urrgh!

(Whitty throws his microphone on the ground)

Whitty: Agh!

(A crack appears in the middle of the alley as Whitty prepares to go ballistic)

Whitty: Nnngh…

(Then, without warning, Whitty unleashes a super loud and angry scream like no other)

Whitty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

(Whitty’s side of the alley becomes distorted and animated. Whitty himself has become brighter in color and his eyes wildly flash into different shapes)

Keith: All right! Now this is a battle! How about one last burn?

Whitty: ENOUGH. YOU’VE PUSHED ME TO MY BOILING POINT. THEY’VE TAKEN ALL I EVER HAD. I’VE BEEN DOOMED INTO AN ENDLESS CYCLE OF RUNNING AND HIDING FROM THINGS I CANNOT CONTROL. BUT NOW, INSTEAD OF HIDING FROM MY AVERAGE IMPENDING DEMISE, I HAVE TO DETONATE SOME BLUE-HAIRED JERK. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I MIGHT ENJOY ATOMIZING YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND HER HACK OF A FATHER, TOO. YOU’VE SCREWED YOURSELF NOW, KID. CURSE YOU, CURSE YOU AND THE FILTH THAT BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD.

Keith: Um...Baboop peebo?

Ballistic
Whitty: YOU WANNA BRAWL, HUH, DO YA, YOU PUSHY MORON? WANT MY ALL, GUESS WHAT, IT’S COMIN’ ATCHA!

Keith: This is amazing! Been waitin’ for this, you’re on! Gonna spit my best when I combat ya!

Whitty: EVERYBODY THAT FAMILY MEETS ENDS UP BROKEN AND TOSSED AWAY OR EVIL, LIKE YOU!

Keith: Not everyone! My girlfriend is sweet! And I wanted to know if the legends were all true!

Whitty: YOU COULDN’T KNOW THE PAIN OF HAVING YOUR SKILLS GO BEYOND YOUR MORTAL FORM!

Keith: If you work hard, you could take Your own strength, come back and take the world by storm!

Whitty: CAN’T. ONCE I’VE COOLED DOWN I’LL JUST RUN. CALL ME A COWARD, BETTER TO FORGET ME.

Keith: I’ll talk you through when that time comes! I wanna help you but you gotta let me!

Whitty: YOU’D JUST USE ME AS A TROPHY FOR YOURSELF “HEY LOOK, EVERYONE, I CONQUERED WHITTY!”

Keith: No way, man, I really care about your health! Can’t be well-off hidin’ in this city.

Whitty: DON’T LIE TO ME, IF YOU CARED YOU’D MAKE TRACKS I ASKED YOU NICELY, YOU KEPT ON PRESSING!

Keith: Fine, I’ll admit it, wanted you to attack But now I get why your life’s distressing!

Whitty: SURE YOU DO, YOU LIAR! I’D LIGHT YOU ON FIRE BUT YOUR LAME BURNS CAN’T LIGHT GASOLINE!

Keith: Guess I took it too far, gonna rap a few bars No remorse, watch out, I’m gettin’ mean!

Whitty: WHAT? GONNA HIT LOW? IS IT MY FREAKISH HEIGHT? BOMB FACE? TRY ME, HEARD ‘EM ALL, DUDE!

Keith: Nah, but you should know Whether you’re chilled out or crazy fast Got a really trash mood!

Whitty: SORRY I WASN’T GLAD YOU FOUND MY HIDING SPOT STARTED TROUBLE, THAT’S ALL NICE AND FINE!

Keith: Coulda just rapped a bit, I didn’t want a lot But my idol gave me a hard time!

Whitty: I DON’T OWE YOU NOTHIN’! I DON’T OWE A DARN THING! YOU DEMONS WON’T LEAVE ME BE!

Keith: But I’m not a demon! I just wanted to sing! Don’t take your grudge out on me!

Whitty: BET THEY SENT YOU HERE JUST TO END ME!

Keith: Trust me, they and I ain’t too friendly!

Whitty: DO THEY GOT YOU IN A CONTRACT, PAYIN’ DEBTS?

Keith: I’m not one to get swindled payin’ debts!

Whitty: WHAT IS IT, THEN? YOU COULD LEAVE ANYTIME NOW!

Keith: Wanna fix things, but I really don’t know how!

Whitty: JUST GIVE UP AND LET ME WALLOW!

Keith: Quitting’s a hard pill to swallow!

Whitty: IT’S NOT YOUR JOB!

Keith: We can fix it!

Whitty: IT’S NOT YOUR STRIFE!

Keith: We can fix you!

Whitty: IT'S NOT YOUR PROB!

Keith: Shouldn’t risk it

Whitty: KID, PLEASE GET A LIFE!

Keith: But I still want to!

Whitty: YOU’LL MAKE THINGS WORSE!

Keith: I’ll keep fighting!

Whitty: YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!

Keith: I’ll keep rappin’!

Whitty: CAN’T CURE MY CURSE!

Keith: Fast as lightning!

Whitty: NOBODY KNOWS HOW!

Keith: ‘Til good stuff happens!

Whitty: DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS HURTS ME?

Keith: It’ll work out after we sing!

Whitty: KEEP THIS UP, IT WON’T END PEACEFULLY!

Keith: Singing battles fix most anything!

Whitty: DOOMSDAY’S HERE, THERE’S NO WAY OUT LEFT!

Keith: By now shoulda been a breakthrough!

Whitty: REST IN PIECES, KID, YOU EARNED YOUR DEATH!

Keith: That epiphany’s long overdue!

Whitty: BETTER PICK OUT ALL YOUR FINAL WORDS CAREFULLY FOUGHT TOO MANY FOLKS THAT WASTED ‘EM ON SCREAMS!

Keith: Right ‘round here the mood changes up, usually! Could this battle be a strange and scary dream?

Whitty: MIGHT BE A DREAM FIGHT, PROMISE YOU’RE NOT SLEEPING BUT IN A MINUTE, YOU’LL SLEEP FOR ALL TIME.

Keith: Take me down? Yeah, right! I’ve been tallykeeping And for this whole fight, I’ve matched all your rhymes!

Whitty: MAYBE YOU’LL MESS UP BEFORE I BLOW IT!

Keith: I’m the best, fess up, everyone knows it!

Whitty: GUESSIN’ IT WOULD BE NICER GOIN’ THAT WAY!

Keith: Singin’ perfectly, no matter what you say!

Whitty: SURE, YOU CAN MIMIC, BUT TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE!

Keith: In this to win it, goin’ for the top prize!

Whitty: LIGHT IT UP, GO TO THE SOLO!

Keith: Got this far, let’s do it, YOLO!

Whitty: DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN THEY CHALLENGED YOU TO RAPPIN’

Both: I/You had it pretty clear That I was/you were doing alright out here

Whitty: YOU’VE HAD TONS OF TIME TO LEARN YOU WASTED IT ON SAD ICE COLD BURNS

Both: You’ve/I’ve reached the end of my/your rope Give up your/Time for my one last glimmer of hope!

Keith: Wait a second, man, your story! How you lost your former glory!

Both: When Cherry’s mean parents burst in Riled me/you up and brought my/your worst in!

Keith: What if they were just short-sighted Thought you’d save the deal ignited!

Both: Then when things turned out all rotten I/You ran off, left them forgotten?

Keith: Yo, there it is! That whole epiphany thing I just mentioned! You got messed up But Cherry’s parents had good intentions! Sure, they coulda dropped a line and tried to tell ya they didn’t mean it, but How would they ever find you when you live in a shortcut?

Whitty: (SHUT UP!)

Keith: Cherry could ring her folks

Whitty: (IT’S NOT TRUE!)

Keith: And you guys could talk things through now! Though, it might bring back a few bad times…. It’s up to you now! Do you wanna start anew Or do you want to hide out until ya die?

Whitty: (overlapping) THEY BOTH BRAINWASHED YOU!

Keith: So, what’cha gonna do Would it really kill ya to try?

Whitty: I DON’T CARE WHETHER THEY MEANT IT TIME IS TICKING, MAKE YOUR PEACE, CHAR.

Keith: I just helped you solve your problem! Why can’t you calm down and solve ours?

Whitty: GOT A WHOLE LOT MORE TO HIDE FROM FOCUS ON WHAT YOU’VE STARTED!

Keith: I did everything I could, man Think it’s time we departed!

Whitty: EVEN IF YOU STARTED RUNNING NOW YOU WOULDN’T GET FAR!

Keith: Least my voice Doesn’t sound like a broken thrift shop guitar!

Whitty: DANG, THAT’S ACTUALLY A GOOD ONE STOP RIGHT THERE, MAKE THOSE YOUR LAST WORDS!

Keith: C’mon, man, this battle’s over And I won it, everyone heard!

(Song finishes, and Keith is left out of breath, sweating, and speaking as fast as he rapped during the song. Whitty, on the other hand, is on the verge of exploding)

Keith: Haha! Yes! Ifoundthesolutionsurvivedthehyper-fastunbeatabletechniqueandnowI’vegotitdownpat!

Whitty: IT’S NOT UNBEATABLE BECAUSE IT’S FAST, IT’S UNBEATABLE BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

Keith: Huh???

Whitty: I’M OVERHEATING. CAN’T STOP. ABOUT TO TURN THIS PLACE INTO THE GRAND CANYON. JUST LIKE THE VENUE. AND THE RECORDING STUDIO.

Keith: Wait...That’swhatyoumeantwhenyousaid”blewit”?That’swhynobody’severrecordedyour”unbeatabletechnique”?That’swhyyou’rehidinghere???

Whitty: I’D APOLOGIZE, BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED. SO...HOW ABOUT YOU GO DIE IN A DITCH INSTEAD?

(Whitty’s fuse starts to light up)

Keith: Huh?? Uh…

(Whitty gives another ballistic scream as he prepares to explode)

Whitty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

(But just as Whitty prepares to blow the whole alley up, a girl’s hand puts out his fuse, snapping him out of his ballistic state. The hand belongs to Carol, Whitty’s human girlfriend who is very supportive of him)

Whitty: Huh?

Carol: I’d much prefer if you didn’t make another gaping hole in this neighborhood, Whitty.

Whitty: (feeling slightly embarrassed, but at the same time relieved that his girlfriend came to settle him down before things really got out of hand) But I…And he...Thanks, Carol.

Carol: (to Keith) And you! I’m surprised at you, Keith. Picking on someone who’s just trying to live their life. You’re no better than that “Daddy Dearest” you keep on fighting!

Keith: ButIjustwantedtowitnesshisunbeatabletechniquesoIcouldcopyitand…

Carol: And let it destroy your life and career, too? Well, it’s a good thing I was around to check in on him, or you very well might have. C’mon, Whitty. Let’s find you a new hidin’ spot.

Whitty: Thanks…

(Whitty and Carol leave the alley, much to the relief of Keith and Cherry. However, Keith can’t stop talking at rapid speed, much to the confusion of Cherry)

Keith: Wellall’swellthatendswellrightCherry?

Cherry: Can you slow down a bit, Keith? I can’t really understand you too well…And I can barely understand you most of the time already.

Keith: (realizing his dilemma) Oh, sure.Talking.Slowly.Isaidslow!Slow!Uhoh...I’veneverrappedthatfastforthatlongbefore…

(Keith realizes that challenging Whitty to a rap battle was a big mistake, because the last song they sang was so fast that it made him lose his ability to speak slowly and clearly. He runs over and yells to Whitty as he and Carol walk away)

Keith: WHITTY!WAITUP!HOWDOITURNITOOOOFFFF???

(Looks like poor Keith is going to be stuck talking fast for a while...At least, until he can find a cure)