Rodent in a Halfshell/Script

Transcript

 * [Fat Dog is seen standing around bored, looking at something.]
 * Glasses Duck: [mortified] This is so embarrassing!
 * [The camera pans to show Rodent Dog standing in front of a sign reading "Gerbil for a Day" and Lamb Wick dressed as a gerbil, running in a hamster wheel in a cage. Lamb Wick's laughs can be heard in the background. It then switches to a view of Lamb Wick running. He falls but almost immediately gets back up and continues running.]
 * Rodent Dog: [acting eager] Huh? Whaddya figure Fat Dog, gerbil for a day? 25 cents for 60 seconds. And we'll throw in this free salt lick! Limited quantity, better move fast.
 * Fat Dog: [pretending to be excited] Let's check it out!
 * Rodent Dog: Watch it, those sweaty hands might leave prints!
 * Fat Dog: No problem. [He puts the salt lick on the ground and rolls it onto Rodent Dog, who is pinned down by its weight.] Ha ha ha! You dorks get lamer every day. [He walks off chuckling.]
 * Glasses Duck: Fat Dog's right, Rodent Dog. [rolling the salt lick off of his friend] This is quite possibly– [straining from the effort] –your most preposterous plan ever. [He falls over the salt lick, which rolls onto him.] Aah! Ouch.
 * Rodent Dog: [angry] I don't see you coming up with anything, Da Vinci!
 * Lamb Wick: Cheep! Cheep! Cheep chin! Feed me! [Glasses Duck and Rodent Dog stare at Lamb Wick in stunned silence. Lamb Wick stares back at them.]
 * Glasses Duck: The probability of anyone falling for this lackluster stunt is zero to none, Rodent Dog.
 * Rodent Dog: Alright already! What a nag.
 * [Hilary Hedgehog enters from the left, storms over to the cage, and rips off a section of it. She then walks over to Lamb Wick, who is eating gerbil food.]
 * Hilary Hedgehog: LAMB WICK!
 * Lamb Wick: [confused and scared] What did I do? [He runs over to the hamster wheel and runs on it in an attempt to get away.] It wasn't me, Hilary Hedgehog, honest! [sees Hilary Hedgehog right next to him] Cheep! Cheep! Cheep Cheep– [Hilary Hedgehog pulls him off the wheel] –aw.
 * Rodent Dog: [to the sound of Lamb Wick getting beaten up] Quit roughing up my gerbil! I'm trying to run a business– [Hilary Hedgehog throws Lamb Wick at him.] –oof!
 * Hilary Hedgehog: I have a ballet lesson today and Tommy needs someone to play with! And Lamb Wick's Tommy's new playmate!
 * Tommy: [visibly shaken] Can we talk?
 * Rodent Dog: [to Lamb Wick, who is clutching him] Get off me, you stupid– [He throws Lamb Wick off and addresses Hilary Hedgehog.] Take a hike, Hilary Hedgehog! You are not dumping the twerp on us!
 * [Hilary Hedgehog grabs his lips and holds them closed, keeping him from speaking intelligibly; after a few seconds of mumbling from him, she throws him onto the ground.]
 * Hilary Hedgehog: [sweetly] Oh, Lamb Wick?
 * Lamb Wick: [quivering in fear] Uh, yes, oh obnoxious little sister of mine?
 * Hilary Hedgehog: [holds up a model rocket] See what I got?
 * Lamb Wick: [very upset] THAT IS MY 1/32 SCALE ORBITAL PLANET RE-TRACKER NUMBER 2 MODEL ROCKET!
 * Hilary Hedgehog: [threateningly] Take care of Tommy or I'll pulverize your stupid model!
 * Lamb Wick: [pleading] Have mercy, depraved sibling! [in a slightly calmer tone] I will take care of Tommy. Honest.
 * Hilary Hedgehog: Good.
 * Tommy: [timidly] Hilary Hedgehog, I beg of you, don't leave me in this den of lions.
 * Hilary Hedgehog: Don't worry, Tommy. If these nimrods give you any trouble, just– [taking a whistle out of her pocket] –blow this whistle. [She puts the whistle around Tommy's neck.]
 * Tommy: Really?
 * Lamb Wick: Have a good day, rotten to the core cherished one.
 * [As soon as Hilary Hedgehog leaves, Tommy begins to sweat. The camera shows the Rodents looking at him. He then faints.]
 * Rodent Dog: This kid's gonna cramp our style! Look at him!
 * Glasses Duck: Perhaps Tommy would like to play some games.
 * Tommy: [suddenly waking up] Games?
 * Glasses Duck: There we go! Games teach children confidence, and endorse socialization skills necessary for human interaction.
 * Rodent Dog: [smiling evilly] I know a game we can play.


 * [Rodent Dog's hands are seen picking up a dodgeball. The other two Rodents and Tommy the Squirrel are standing by a garage door. Glasses Duck and Tommy are quaking with fear, whereas Lamb Wick looks perfectly normal.]
 * Glasses Duck: RODENT DOG WAIT STOP! [more calmly] Dodgeball has no educational value whatsoever?!
 * Rodent Dog: Whaddya talking about? It builds character. Puts hair on your chest.
 * Tommy: Hairy chests are so Neanderthal.
 * Lamb Wick: Dodgeball is fun, Tommy! Just keep your eye on the– [gets hit by dodgeball] –ball of pain.
 * Rodent Dog: [laughing victoriously] Ha ha ha! You're out, monobrow! Who's next? [camera shifts to Tommy] Tommy? Or Glasses Duck? [camera shifts to an empty space on the right side of the door] Hey. Where'd Sockhead go? [Tommy edges to the left, revealing Glasses Duck hidden behind him.] Hello, Glasses Duck.
 * Glasses Duck [desperately]: RODENT DOG WAIT! I-I HAVE A HISTORY WITH THIS GAME I–whassat. I see flashes, Rodent Dog. Deep rooted images. [Rodent Dog begins drawing something on the ball] LIKE TENTACLES! Strangulating every rational nerve! OH, I'M RELIVING IT, RODENT DOG!!
 * Rodent Dog: [holding up the ball] But it's got your face on it, Glasses Duck. [He turns the ball around to reveal a caricature of Glasses Duck drawn on it.]
 * Glasses Duck: [completely terrified] LISTEN TO ME, RODENT DOG! RODENT DOG?!
 * [Rodent Dog goes into his throwing stance.]
 * Glasses Duck: [howling] IT'S GYM CLASS ALL OVER AGAIN!! [He breaks down completely. As he continues his crying jag, Tommy begins to wail in tandem with him. Lamb Wick sees Tommy clutching him and crying and he begins to scream as well.]
 * Rodent Dog: [disgusted] Uuh.


 * [Glasses Duck falls to the ground, a quivering mess. Rodent Dog approaches him.]
 * Rodent Dog: Get over it, Shakespeare.
 * Tommy: I'm bored. I wanna turn.
 * Rodent Dog: No way, it's still my turn.
 * Tommy: [reaching for his whistle] I'm telling Hilary Hedgehog!
 * Lamb Wick: [desperately] Wait, Tommy! [scared] Hilary Hedgehog is bad for Lamb Wick. [jumps on top of Rodent Dog] Don't hog the ball, Rodent Dog. Let Tommy have a turn.
 * Tommy: Goodie!
 * [Lamb Wick rubs Tommy back and forth on top of his buzz cut. He then takes Rodent Dog over to the garage door. Rodent Dog is stuck to it.]
 * Rodent Dog: [irked] What the–
 * Glasses Duck: Static electricity can be quite humbling, can't it, Rodent Dog? [to Lamb Wick] Oh, Lamb Wick, that's much too far for Tommy. A little closer, if you will?
 * Lamb Wick: Okey-dokey, Glasses Duck. [while walking Tommy closer to Rodent Dog] Here we go, Tommy. Your turn to hurt Rodent.
 * Rodent Dog: [pretending to be scared] Oh, this guy's gonna murder me! Somebody please save me! [laughs mockingly] Yeah, right!
 * [Tommy throws the ball at his face so hard it knocks most of his body through the garage door.]
 * Tommy: Got him! [giggles]
 * Lamb Wick: Good shot, Tommy! [picks Tommy up and carries him on his shoulders]
 * Tommy: I'm the toast of the town!
 * Glasses Duck: Aw, look at them, Rodent Dog!
 * Rodent Dog: [disgruntled] It's pathetic.
 * [Lamb Wick is seen running with Tommy still on his shoulders. He trips over a rock. When he gets up, Tommy's retainer is around both of their faces.]
 * Tommy: Hey, mister! [they share a laugh]
 * Glasses Duck: [trying to pull Rodent Dog out of the door] Tommy and Lamb Wick seem [straining] to have developed a brotherly bond. [pulls Rodent Dog out of the door onto him]
 * [Tommy and Lamb Wick are rubbing their heads against a tree trunk.]
 * Tommy and Lamb Wick: Rub your head, rub your head. Rub your head.
 * Glasses Duck: Interesting.
 * Rodent Dog: Why's Tommy acting like Lamb Wick?
 * Glasses Duck: Well Rodent Dog, like brothers, the younger more naive sibling tends to mimic and learn from the older brother. A mirror image in some cases.
 * Rodent Dog: [quizzical] A mirror image? [as an idea dawns] One exactly like the other? Like two peas in a pod? Two humps on a camel? A dynamic duo? A pair of underwear?
 * Glasses Duck: A pair of underwear is one item, Rodent Dog.
 * Rodent Dog: Same thing. [making a declaration] I, Rodent Dog, will take Tommy, and teach him to be the best prime cut of meat there is. Just like me.


 * [A montage is shown. First, Rodent Dog throws eggs at a picture of Hilary Hedgehog taped to a wall and instructs Tommy to do the same. When he refuses, Rodent Dog stuffs the egg in his underwear. The camera cuts to a grassy field. Rodent Dog tells Tommy to move an obscenely large rock to an X marked on the ground. Tommy attempts to move it himself and is completely unsuccessful. Tommy is then seen leading him to another location while wedgied. The next thing we see is Tommy in the field, trying to move the rock. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts, he stops and thinks it over. He then brings Lamb Wick over to move the rock. The garage again. This time, Tommy throws the eggs at Lamb Wick and Glasses Duck. Rodent Dog bursts into laughter, stopped only when Tommy pulls the "You've got something on your shirt" trick on him.]


 * [Tommy is sitting on a tree stump while Rodent Dog walks in circles around him.]
 * Rodent Dog: Enough beating around the bush. I think you're ready for the final lesson. Let's talk cash.
 * Glasses Duck: [to Lamb Wick, discreetly] Theatrics do not forge good learning skills.
 * Rodent Dog: Hey, do you mind, Mr. 'I Know Everything About Nothing'?
 * Lamb Wick: [to Glasses Duck] Shush!
 * Rodent Dog: Where was I? [ponders] Oh yeah! Cash! Always remember, if you have a lot of cash, you get to spend a lot of time, with me.
 * Tommy: [questioningly] But how do I get more cash, Uncle Rodent Dog?
 * Rodent Dog: [proudly] You're such a nosy little tyke. Come with Uncle Rodent Dog. [picks Tommy up and carries him away]
 * Glasses Duck: [alarmed] Hurry, Lamb Wick!
 * Lamb Wick: Shush! My yeast is rising.
 * [Glasses Duck, unsure what to do, stares at Lamb Wick for a few moments.]
 * Glasses Duck: Nut loaf, Lamb Wick? [he hurries away]


 * [Rodent Dog is seen running with Tommy. He stops in the lane and drops Tommy on the ground]
 * Rodent Dog: See the kids, Tommy?
 * Tommy: [looking in the other direction] No, Uncle Rodent Dog.
 * Rodent Dog: [twists Tommy's head around] They're called pigeons, and pigeons have lots of cash. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Tommy starts to run forward into the lane, but falls on his face.]
 * Tommy: [dazed] Pennies from heaven, Uncle Rodent Dog.
 * Rodent Dog: [tearing up] They grow up so fast.
 * Glasses Duck: [suddenly appearing, and apparently very belligerent] Rodent Dog! Shame on you! You set Tommy-
 * Lamb Wick: Shush!
 * Glasses Duck: You set Tommy's expectations too high! He's bound to fail!
 * Rodent Dog: Okay, maybe I was a little tough. But that's how my brother taught me! The only way to get it right is to get it wrong.
 * [A sudden noise distracts them.]


 * [Fat Dog is seen bouncing on a trampoline]
 * Fat Dog: Whoa, look out!
 * Butter Horse: [admiringly] Kevin is good at weinering.
 * Fat Dog: That's hot-dogging, Butter Horse. [a timer rings]
 * Tommy: Time's up, Fat Dog.
 * Fat Dog: That couldn't have been more than 60 seconds.
 * Tommy: Take it to the back of the line, bub. [picking up jar of quarters] Alright, people, cough up the dough.
 * Rodent Dog: [astounded] How come we didn't think of that?
 * Glasses Duck: Seems the student has surpassed the master.
 * Lamb Wick: But better!


 * Tommy: You got 60 seconds, Butter Horse boy. [Butter Horse drops a quarter in the jar]
 * Butter Horse: Has anyone ever told you your hair resembles the backside of a chicken?
 * Rodent Dog: [drooling] You're a chip off the old block, Junior.
 * Glasses Duck: Well done, Tommy! Tell me about the design.
 * Tommy: The bouncy mat was torn up-bedsheets sewn together with the synthetic hair of broken dollies.
 * Glasses Duck: I never would have thought of that.
 * Tommy: [condescendingly] Of course you wouldn't.
 * Glasses Duck: [insulted] Well.
 * Rodent Dog: C'mere for a second, Junior.


 * [Rodent Dog is leading Tommy away.]
 * Rodent Dog: Time to give credit where credit is due. Nothing big, sixty percent'll do.
 * Tommy: [irked] What are you giving me?
 * Rodent Dog: My cut of the cash. [puts hand on the rim of the jar and tries to pull it away]
 * Tommy: [pulling it back] Hit the road.
 * Rodent Dog: [angry] You thankless little–If it wasn't for me, you'd be planting posies!
 * Tommy: Tell it to the judge!
 * Rodent Dog: [somewhat surprised] Oh, he's good. [running after Tommy] Give me that thing, you little turncoat! [rips money jar away] Ha! [to money] Hello, my little babies! Did you miss me?
 * Tommy: [pouncing on Rodent Dog] It's mine!
 * Rodent Dog: [frightened by Tommy's ferocity] Tommy's lost it! Help me! He's a wild animal!
 * Lamb Wick: FOUL! OFFSIDE! PENALTY!
 * Glasses Duck: You sound like a referee, Lamb Wick?
 * Lamb Wick: [pulls out a whistle] Yes I am.
 * Glasses Duck: [recognizing what Lamb Wick is about to do] LAMB WICK! DON'T BLOW THAT!
 * [Lamb Wick puts whistle in mouth and blows.]


 * [Rodent and Tommy freeze in the middle of fighting. Glasses Duck's teeth can be heard chattering. Then, the camera shifts to show trees toppling, getting closer in proximity to the lane. After the nearest one falls, Hilary Hedgehog is seen kicking open a portion of the fence.]
 * Hilary Hedgehog: [screaming] TOMMY!!!
 * Tommy: [smugly] Bingo. [He digs up some dirt and throws it onto his face.]
 * Hilary Hedgehog: Rodent Dog. What's Tommy doing on the ground, huh? [Tommy is seen crying]
 * Rodent Dog: Get lost, Sarah, we're talking business.
 * Tommy: [crying] He was horror horrible monster, Hilary Hedgehog. They made me eat dirt all day!
 * Hilary Hedgehog: What?! [clenches teeth in anger. Tommy can be seen thumbing his nose at the Rodents while Hilary Hedgehog is facing away from him.]
 * Rodent Dog: [in an undertone, amazed] Man, he's real good. [normally] Who are you gonna believe? That little- um- er- rat, or an honest bunch like us?
 * [Hilary Hedgehog squeals in anger and proceeds to beat the pulp out of the Rodents. Tommy is seen giggling at the scene. Hilary Hedgehog dusts her hands and Tommy walks up to the Rodents.]


 * Tommy: [self-satisfied] My jar please, Uncle Rodent Dog. [grabs jar from Rodent Dog's mouth and realizes the money is gone] Hey! [pokes Rodent Dog's nose. His mouth opens like a cash register, revealing a pile of quarters. Tommy takes the money and shoves his jaw back in.]
 * Tommy: Burger, Hilary Hedgehog? My treat. [They run off, presumably to the oscar burger.]


 * Glasses Duck: Boy, Rodent Dog, you truly a created by horror horrible monster.
 * Rodent Dog: No kidding. Kinda makes me feel all warm inside.
 * Lamb Wick: [mumbling] Urp a la loo.
 * Glasses Duck: [his lower half sticking out of Lamb Wick's mouth] Don't talk with your mouth full, Lamb Wick.