Marvel's Astonishing Thunderbolts/Quotes

Promo-clip

 * (it starts with a view of Deadpool's apartment. We see Gwen Poole in her gym suit texting on her phone until she notices the viewers)
 * Gwen Poole: (enthusiastically) What's up, New York! It's me Gwen Poole! But you may call me... (she leaps into a nearby door, and then she comes back in her Gwenpool suit) the unbelievable Gwenpool! Deadpool and I can't wait for you guys to watch our new show in Hulu, the Astonishing Thunderbolts! You're gonna piss yourselves! I promise!
 * Deadpool: (coming by) And so do I, my sweets! And no chances we're gonna get cancelled like my other cartoon! Cause you're gonna love it!
 * Punisher: (we see Punisher sitting in a chair drinking beer) Ugh, get real, Wilson. They still gonna hate it. 'Cause, you know, they hate everything.
 * Deadpool: No ways they are. The comedy, the action, and incredibly gratuitous violence... and unlike those kid shows that Spider-Man and Ant-Girl brought you guys, you're gonna see some f[beeps]ing heads blown up to bits!
 * Punisher: I was expecting a show that was super gritty, and bleak, and depressing. (stares at the viewers) You know, like a Marvel thing.
 * Gwenpool: That's a pretty excellent way to make television and film. But everyone in our show will have fun, 'cause there's no f[beep]ing limits in mayhem!
 * Cable: (having via teleportation; to Deadpool and Gwenpool) You two bozos ain't spoiling the show just now, are you?
 * Gwenpool: Uh, no. Absolutely not. Eh.
 * Deadpool: Yeah, it was just announcement. (the show's logo title is presented; voice over) And there's the logo, sweets!!
 * Gwenpool: (voice over) YAY!! I love it!
 * Punisher: (voice over) They're gonna hate it.
 * (end of trailer)

Trailer

 * (we see a sequence of the Thunderbolts loading their weapons and tools, ending with Gwenpool popping a chew gum and smiling at the viewers)
 * Deadpool: (breaking the fourth wall) Cue the music.
 * (trailer is followed by the song "Na Na Na" by My Chemical Romance plays)
 * (a small sequence of the team's line-up (showing one member per second) plays)
 * Taglines: "From the universe of Marvel's Spider-Man..."
 * (we see the Thunderbolts entering a room after Red Hulk breaks through the frontdoors. We later see Gwenpool in a bar with Domino)
 * Gwenpool: This shit's gonna have nuts in it! (she and Domino fist bump)
 * (we see scenes of Punisher decimating a crew of thugs in a warehouse with a minigun, Domino texting on her phone while a muscular thug running behind her is hit by a train, and Hercules breaking a prison inmate's back)
 * Taglines: "THUNDER STRIKES"
 * (scene shows Cable with Agent Venom in a S.H.I.E.L.D.)
 * Agent Venom: Sounds like we're assembling Dark Avengers or stuff...
 * Cable: More like Thunderbolts.
 * (scene shows montages of scenes introducing the Thunderbolts)
 * Taglines: "DEADPOOL"
 * Deadpool: Maximum effort! (Deadpool is shown taking down some Hydra agents and exploding a tank)
 * Taglines: "GWENPOOL"
 * Gwenpool: (she is shown having just showered, sitting on the bed across Deadpool) Good times, huh? (Gwenpool is then shown kicking a delinquent towards a pile of explosives)
 * Taglines: "DOMINO" (Domino is shown fighting some thugs, with some accidentally shooting each other while trying to shoot Domino)
 * Domino: (she is shown walking in a alley with a bag of money while Black Cat is shown with an empty back) Better luck next time, pussy. (Black Cat tosses her bag away and growls angered)
 * Taglines: "CABLE" (Cable is shown roaring while leaping out of a exploding truck trailer. Then, he is shown blasting some robots and Hydra agents) "PUNISHER" (he is shown beating some thugs. Scene cuts to him blowing up a Hydra ship with a bazooka) "AGENT VENOM" (Agent Venom is shown showing off his Symbiote-made weapons. Scene shifts to him in his beast form devouring a Hydra agent's head) "HERCULES"
 * (Hercules is shown in a fist to fist fight against Mr. Sinister)
 * Mr. Sinister: You are weak compared to me!
 * Hercules: And you are ugly compared to Medusa! (charges at him)
 * Taglines: "RED HULK" (Red Hulk is shown roaring in rage at the Raft while his body bursts in flames. Scene shows him crushing at Hydra agent, who is crawling in the ground in pain, with his foot and tossing another way; Wilhelm Scream is heard. Cuts to Deadpool imitating Red Hulk's roar as Red Hulk stares at him confused)
 * Deadpool: See? I can roar too.
 * (we see the Thunderbolts confronting Mr. Sinister in a facility)
 * Mr. Sinister: You're not like the Avengers. Who do think you are to try and stop me?
 * Deadpool: Oh, we're not some pussy dolls. We're the Thunderbolts!
 * (another sequence showing the Thunderbolts in action plays, concluding with the group in their armored van while Deadpool shoots multiple enemy choppers with the van's turret before pressing the "Death Button", which sends in the Red Hulk, who leaps towards a massive vessel to punch it. Scene cuts to the Show's logo as the song in the background)
 * Red Hulk: (in another scene, Red Hulk is overheating his body when Punisher walks by and calmly lights a cigar with Red Hulk's flames; stunned) What? Seriously?!!
 * Deadpool: (about Punisher; impressed) You got balls, man.
 * Punisher: So what? You cut your own freakin' hand off once . So why bother? (Deadpool and Red Hulk just stare at him and glare at each other)
 * Taglines: "EXCLUSIVELY ON HULU"

01) “Initiation, Part 1: Pools' Party”

 * (episode starts in a yacht owned by Intelligencia sailing in the ocean, but leaving a trail of smoke. We see amounts of destruction and numerous dead thugs. One of them is still alive, but crawling in the ground after his two legs were sliced off and bleeding. We then see Deadpool, who is putting on a tuxedo suit. Gwenpool appears fashionably and unmasked, giving a flirting look at)
 * Deadpool: Ahh. Look at you, my pretty. May I have this dance with you?
 * Gwenpool: Always, puddin'. (Deadpool presses a bomb trigger, which activates a radio nearby playing the song "Careless Whisper" by George Michael and the pair dance fashionably)
 * Deadpool: (voice over; breaking the Fourth Wall) You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero show, but that guy in the red suit and his girlfriend just turned those other guys into fucking kebabs!". Well, we may be super, but we're no heroes. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this episode is: a love story. Which started when this cutie pie became my cutie pie.
 * Deadpool: (to Gwenpool) Til Death do us part. (Gwenpool sighs passionately and unmasks Deadpool. Then, they kiss as the crippled thug vomits out of disgust. A bomb, which was set to go off once the song was over, beeps and explodes, obliterating the yacht. Deadpool and Gwenpool are still kissing while underwater, and the remains of the decimated thugs sink into the sea)
 * Deadpool: (voice over; breaking the Fourth Wall) And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed these asses into red spandex…
 * (scene fades in black and a small inscription saying "4 DAYS EARLIER..." is presented)


 * (Gwen Poole is at a restaurant in prison while a shy guard approaches her to hand her her phone)
 * Shy Guard: (terrified) Please, don't hurt me! Please, don't hurt me! Please, don't hurt me! (whimpers until Gwen takes her phone and gently pats his cheek) Oh, thank God. I thought you were gonna...
 * Gwen Poole: Hurt you? No. You're too cute and sweet for me to hurt. A lot more than...
 * J. Jonah Jameson: (interrupts; off-screen)  I NEED THAT PHONE!!
 * Gwen Poole: (displeased) Jesus, this guy. (we see J. Jonah Jameson confronting a inmate over a phone)
 * Inmate: (kicks Jameson away from him) Go write your Daily Bugle shit on someone else's phone, Jameson! I ain't givin' you mine!
 * J. Jonah Jameson: (growls frustrated) Fuck sake! (sees Gwen texting on her phone) You! I'm gonna need that phone!
 * Gwen Poole: Fuck off, Hitler.
 * J. Jonah Jameson: (grabs her wrist; alarmed) What'd you say?!
 * Gwen Poole: (hissing tone) I said: (grabs Jameson's jacket, snaps suddenly shouting) FUCK OFF, HITLER!!!
 * (Jameson's expression changes to a frozen, horrified one as Gwen quickly leaps on him and savagely bites his left ear, causing him to scream in agony. She then proceeds to mercilessly beat him up with the guards and inmates just watching; one guard even enjoys the scene while eating popcorn)
 * J. Jonah Jameson: (Gwen pins him down and giggles wickedly while shaking her fingers; Jameson realizes in panic what she is about to do) No, no, no, no. No, no, no, don't do it! No, no, no, please! Have mercy! (Gwen cripples Jameson's nipples) WAAAAAAH!! AAAARRRGHH!!
 * Guard: I gotta admit it. He had that shit coming. (his walkie-talkie rings and answers) Yes? Yeah? Got it, warden. Hey, GP. (Gwen stops beating Jameson up and listens to him) Come on over here, babe.
 * Gwen Poole: Coming in. (she walks by, leaving Jameson laying in the ground, traumatized and shaking in pain) What's goin' on? (a guard hands her a box full of her belongings) That's all the stuff from my cell.
 * Guard: You don't have a cell, babe. Not anymore. You're free to go.
 * Gwen Poole: But I still got 10 months left. Why so soon?
 * Female Guard: Someone who says to appreciate you so hard just negotiated and paid for your release. And that someone is waiting for you outside right now.
 * Gwen Poole: Who? (outside, she encounters her liberator next to his car. She is overjoyed to know who is it) Oh. My. FUCKING. GOD!!! It's totally him!! (cut to the liberator, revealed to be Deadpool)
 * Deadpool: Hya, hottie. (winks) Wanna ride?


 * (Deadpool and Gwen arrive to Deadpool's apartment as Gwen notices Bob, Agent of Hydra sleeping on the couch)
 * Gwen Poole: (to Deadpool) Is he really a Hydra agent? Because, I don't think they wear that kind of suit anymore.
 * Deadpool: A janitor. But yeah, he was. But that was until they fired him after some fucking goo monster possessed his boss and trashed his work place. Well, at least I think they fired him because I technically did kidnap him. (Bob is snoring with a mouth fully open) And more recently, he's also been acting like a fuckin' depressed sloth with no shit to lose. (to Bob) Hey! (kicks the couch) Wake up, Sid!
 * (Bob gets startled and wakes up)

02) “Initiation, Part 2: Bang”

 * (episode starts with Black Cat running around the rooftops with a bag of money)
 * Black Cat: Now, that worked well. One night without that Webhead to get in my way. All thanks to that "Electro-Cult" keeping him and his gang occupied . Guess this was my lucky... (suddenly, she steps into a trap while she is flung into the air) NIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!! (she is then shown hanging upside down with the money bag feet away from her; in disbelief) What the fuck...?! (someone giggles off-screen and Black Cat is irritated to know who it is) You gotta be shittin' kidding me!
 * Domino: (she is then shown emerging from the shadows) Looks like your luck's still not as effective as it was supposed to be. Am I right or wrong, kitten?
 * Black Cat: (irritated) When are you gonna go rob from your own turf and stay away from mine?!
 * Domino: Oh, honey. If only that were easy. But, you know the rules. Luck has its favorites.
 * Black Cat: Oh, it'll have its favorites alright. After I claw your ass until you bleed! Come over here! (she tries to attack Domino, but she cannot move any further as Domino just keeps checking on the stolen bag)
 * Domino: As much as I'd love to stay and play, I got places to go. And stuff to rob. (approaches the exhausted Black Cat and pets her chin) So, better luck next time, kitty. (Black Cat hisses angrily and tries to claw Domino, to no avail)


 * (Agent Venom breaks into a group of thugs' warehouse)
 * Agent Venom: Symbiote and I are gonna ask this once: Where are Domino and Punisher?
 * Thug Leader: What if we don't answer? Don't say you're gonna tie us up with webs 'cause that's already Spider-Man's thing... (before he can finish talking, Agent Venom (annoyed with the response) quickly pins him in the ground)
 * Agent Venom: Do we look like a fuckin' Spider-Man to you?! Rethink that answer before we cross the line.
 * Thug #1: Oh, come on. The city's already got five Spider-kids. You think we're scared off... (Venom manifests himself in his hulking form and grabs the thug's throat)
 * Venom: Did you not listen??!! We are NOT SPIDER-MAN!! WE ARE VENOM!!! (the thugs suddenly panic and start running, but Venom unleashes his Symbiote tendrils to lock the doors and prevent them from escaping)
 * Agent Venom: (voice in Venom) This one got in the conversation when he shouldn't have. So, do whatever the fuck you want to him. He's useless.
 * Thug #1: (choking in panic) Okay! Okay! We're sorry!! We're... AAAAAAGH!!!! (Venom decapitates the thug with a bite in his head)
 * Venom: (to the thug leader; menacingly) Now, just to work clear. You make us ask again, and we will find and eat both your arms, and then both of your legs and we’ll eat your face right off your head, do you understand? Yes, so you will be this armless, legless, faceless thing. Won’t you? Rolling down the street, like a turd, in the wind. Do you feel me?

06) “Bring on the Hounds”

 * (after the Thunderbolts and Champions defeat one of the Hounds, who is shown yelling angrily while webbed down)
 * Spider-Girl: Tómala pinche, Douche de la chingada de mierda pendejo son of a bitch! (overhearing Spider-Girl, the Hound suddenly stops roaring and whimpers in panic. Others remain in silence)
 * Gwenpool: (excited) WHOOOHOOO!!! Hell, yeah!!
 * Hercules: (also excited) YES!! (addresses to Spider-Man and Ms. Marvel; curious) What did she say?
 * Spider-Man and Ms. Marvel: (unison) You do not wanna know.
 * Domino: Wow. I tought you sad she didn't like saying curse words.
 * Spider-Man: She doesn't. Unless you push her to the breaking point...

08) “It's the Juggernaut Bitch!”

 * (Agent Venom traps Juggernaut in a vat of cement)
 * Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am?! I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
 * Gwenpool: Your name's "Juggernaut Bitch"?
 * Juggernaut: What?! No! (Deadpool and Agent Venom laugh hysterically over Gwenpool's joke) What are you laughing at?!
 * Deadpool: (still laughing) Sorry, just didn't realize you had orgies with real juggernauts. (continues laughing)
 * Cable: (facepalms; annoyed) Oh, fuck sake.


 * (Juggernaut has Nick Fury cornered; Fury is not concerned)
 * Juggernaut: Any last words before I smash ya?!
 * Nick Fury: Say good night, motherfucker.
 * (Gwenpool takes advantage of the distraction to empale Juggernault's buttocks with electrified cables, shocking him before Fury and Cable blast him off the Helicarrier with their guns. Juggernaut is last seen falling in a vat of molten steel at Roxxon)