What if Paramount Pictures produced "Over the Hedge"?/Transcript

(Paramount Pictures, Columbia Pictures, Nickelodeon Movies and Happy Madison logos start. The scene goes to black as we hear coins being inserted into a vending machine. RJ presses the buttons twice and a vending machine processes a small bag of Doritos Nacho Cheese. A bag gets stuck.)

RJ: (hits the vending machine) No! (hits again) Damn it!

(RJ enters the machine, tries to reach the bag but can't. RJ comes out of the machine.)

RJ: Gah! Hmph. (uses a grabber toy to take the bag) Come on, buddy, get the bag. Just get the bag. Get the Doritos. Get the bag! Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it! (A grabber toy breaks) Oh, crap. (uses a boomerang and throws to hit the vending machine) That's right. Come to daddy. (a boomerang hits the vending machine but the bag is still stuck) What the hell?

(RJ tries to get the bag then the scene goes to RJ who kicks the vending machine and hurts his foot.)

RJ: Oh! Damn! (takes a golf club and hits a vending machine as the lights go out) Take that! (notices a bear cave) Huh. Vincent, what do you know? No, no. No, RJ. That's crazy. (his stomach growls and stops then he sighs in relief) All right.

(RJ scurries to the bear cave, uses a fishing rod to reel it in like a grappling hook and goes behind the signs where they say "Do Not Feed Wild Animals". RJ yelps and groans and he picks up three bags of Funyuns, Doritos Cool Ranch and Mini Chips Ahoy. RJ sees Vincent's loot of food and exclaims in awe. Vincent growls sleepily and snores. RJ lets out a soft sigh and uses a paddleball to jump across Vincent and lands on five emptied pie tins. Vincent is still asleep and RJ sighs with relief. RJ walks closely to Vincent's stuff and stops as he closes his eyes.)

RJ: Just take what you want. Just take what you want.

(RJ packs all of Vincent's food.)

RJ: There we go.

(RJ places the life raft under the Radio Flyer wagon and pushes the button. A life raft inflates as the wagon leaps across Vincent and lands on the ground. RJ notices a can of Pringles.)

RJ: Huh? Could that have been... (he looks at Vincent's food and a can of Pringles again then whispers) Oh, my God. Mm.

(RJ turns around and takes an empty cup from Starbucks. RJ huffs and takes a can of Pringles as he places an empty cup on Vincent's hand. RJ snickers as he attempts to open a can of Pringles and wakes Vincent up who snorts then he closes the lid.)

Vincent: (snorts) RJ?

RJ: Hello.

Vincent: The moon's not full. You woke me up a week early? (notices his stuff) Oh, no. Don't tell me you're dumb enough to actually try and steal my stuff. (chuckles) RJ, I'm gonna have to kick your ass.

RJ: Please, I'm just a desperate guy trying to feed his family.

Vincent: You have no family.

RJ: I met a family of one. (Vincent growls) Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait! Look, it's still in the cave, so, it's technically not stolen. (accidentally bumps into a wagon as it goes out of the cave and gasps)

Vincent: Oh, no!

(A wagon moves forward to the street as Vincent groans. A wagon slows down and stops.)

RJ and Vincent: Slow... stop!

RJ: Whoo! That was close. (Vincent chuckles)

(A truck horn blares and destroys the wagon including Vincent's stuff.

RJ: Oh, damn.

(Vincent chases after RJ as he grabs him by the head and opens his jaw.)

RJ: Vincent, wait! I'll take everything back! (Vincent closes his jaw) That's right. If you eat me, I'll give you everything you had. All of it!

Vincent: My red wagon?

RJ: Yes! From Radio Flyer!

Vincent: And the blue cooler?

RJ: Yes! On my list! It's just from Coleman.

Vincent: Yes! And I want my Pringles. I love those tasty potato crisps. With a Pringle, once you pop, you can't stop.

RJ: Yes, it's true. I just saw the commercials. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna get the giant picnic pack family fun-size.

Vincent: They have that?

RJ: Possibly.

Vincent: All right, RJ. I'm gonna go back to sleep. When that moon is full, I'm gonna wake up, and all my stuff had better be right back where it was.

RJ: But that's just one week! That's impossible for one guy... (Vincent pinches RJ tightly and groans in pain) A week's perfect. I'll get some helpers.

Vincent: Full moon, all my stuff. And don't even think about running away. Because if you do, I will hunt you down and kill you.

(Vincent throws RJ to the ground and goes back to the cave to sleep.)

RJ: (breathes heavily) Okay. Okay, buddy, you just rest easy, all right? 'Cause I'm on it. (chuckles) Hey, and a week from now, we're gonna be laughing about this thing, huh? (chuckles weakly)

(RJ places his head on the vending machine as the bag falls. RJ takes the bag and groans in frustration as he walks. The scene goes to the rest area as the credits say "Paramount Pictures and Columbia Pictures present", "a Happy Madison/Nickelodeon Movies production", "in association with Parkes/MacDonald Productions" while the song plays "Magic" by The Cars. RJ notices and runs to the street and picks up a can of Pringles that has been run over and pours it out. RJ sees the truck and ducks as the title appears and says "Over the Hedge".)