Kiki's Delivery Service (The Private Reviewer)

(the title sequence play; open on a shot of a brick wall with a flyer on it reading "Court of Videocles". a Totoro-like creature from The Simpsons wearing a judge with Don Messick's Scrappy Doo-like voice announces that movie was freaking Disney out, banging the mallet in the table.)

Judge: Order in that court! That movie (Kiki's Delivery Service) was freaking the Disney work out before a contract getting expired in 2017 to make a deal with A Cat in Paris ' indie distribution (GKIDS) acquired a greatest Japanese animation studio. Why didn't have the first advertised as all of the Disney masterpieces with some horrendous contents?

(a few bunch of Disney VHSs in 1998 of Alice in Wonderland, Dumbo, Robin Hood, Pete's Dragon, and The Sword in the Stone stands up in the table)

Alice in Wonderland: (with Alice's voice) I saw a young witch, personality as curious at the same time. But sometimes there's danger and death!

Dumbo: (with Timothy Mouse's voice) This is why we do not take hallucinogens with scariest pink elephants! Then a few crows speaking of a racial view! They knew have a wrong words to talk of!

Robin Hood: (with Robin Hood's voice) Prince John's gone stark raving mad!

The Sword in the Stone: (with Wart's voice) That scenes are still cranky. Even the wolf being portrayed in a comical manner, it can be quite scary seeing how close he keeps coming to catching me. Then the pike sneaking up behind me in fish form. And the hawk suddenly appearing and almost catching me.

(A VHS cover, Pete's Dragon, mimics a dragon, Elliott, by mumbling)

Subtitles: The Gogans ripping me apart purely for profit! Even Don Bluth had a last film did in his tenure at the studio!

Judge: That's how you got first advertised as all of the masterpieces; except one for yours, Mary Poppins.

(a briefly clip of Mary Poppins is shown.)

Mary Poppins: Oh, bother.

(back to the court)

Judge: So, two of Brave Little Toasters, why didn't have to shown advertising with some negative content?

The Brave Little Toaster: (with Toaster's voice) My regards as one of the darkest kids' films in '80s! I just hope this brings awareness to the dangers of clown firemen and also Peter Lorre-sounding lamps!

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars: (with Rob's (voiced by Wayne Kaatz) voice) You might be re-issue than '94! Even the sequel killing this novel!

The Brave Little Toaster: (with Toaster's voice) You better believe it, Goes to Mars! You go block it now 'til the DVD comes in, right?!

Judge: That's how you blocked it on VHS, huh.?! (as the clown's voice) Run.

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars: Just kidding. (lowers down in the table with whistle slide down sound)

Judge: Well, did you have any blocked down to be advertising on this? (points to the camera, with the mallet)

Mr. Magoo: (with Leslie Nielsen's voice) Yeah, but how could you take the animated character from me? I can't live without him!

The Spirit of Mickey: (with Mickey Mouse's voice) Gosh! My first one (Steamboat Willie) went over to the public domain in 2024!

Schoolhouse Rock: Money Rock (with Becky-Sue's voice) Are you sure Val Hawk started this way?

Meet the Deedles: (with a dude's voice) God, this movie's got box office success. Even that surf bombed down!

Disney's Sing-Along Songs: Honor to Us All: (with Mushu's voice) This was facism! Miyazaki will bring murder to us all!

Disney's Sing-Along Songs: Happy Haunting Party at Disneyland: (with Thurl Ravenscroft's voice) I terrorized for Grin Grinning Ghosts!

The Jungle Book: Mowgli's Story: (with Baloo's voice) He's leaving the original Disney film and never coming back. He's their fault.

Little Indian, Big City: (with the kid's voice) I'm not used to life in a modern big city like Paris, but he adapts in his own ways!

Judge: You got two of them is "Now Available"! Now, take them away. (as the many videos being dragged by the police (played by Coachman's goons from Pinocchio a la animated form) to the jail)

Mr. Magoo: (off-screen) You are the one unlucky guy.

The Spirit of Mickey: (off-screen) This is how my early version enters it!

Schoolhouse Rock: Money Rock (off-screen) I've been robbed for this.

Meet the Deedles: Somebody else where we re-issued in '99. It's still a bit hard to find!

Mr. Magoo: You telling me.

Disney's Sing-Along Songs: Honor to Us All: No way Professor Owl survive a sing along songs!

The Jungle Book: Mowgli's Story: Sorry, you have bankrupted to this vault!

Little Indian, Big City: I snatched me like a spider!

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars: Flat with us forever! (off-screen as Judge looked grumpy) Heard they tried it again sometime.

(The goons hitting the videos at off screen)

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars: (off screen) Ow! My fight right!

Judge: If you please, tell me, who wants this advertised to be shown?

Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World: (with Pocahontas' voice) Probably would have been less freaky if they had sicced dogs on the bear. Seeing such a strong and usually being dragged away by guards, all the while calling for Mr. Rolfe's help is very harrowing.

Judge: You had been torture yet. But you are the boring one, huh?

Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World: The animators made us do it.

Winnie the Pooh: Frankenpooh: (with Gopher's voice) Tremblin' in your socks, are ya? They are the ones who made those animations.

Winnie the Pooh: Spookable Pooh: (with Piglet's voice) Um, I seem to have reached the top of the wizardry picture.

Winnie the Pooh: Boo to You, Too!: (with Pooh's voice) You scared off by those jack o'lanterns, huh?

Judge: Eh, you left.

Winnie the Pooh: Boo to You, Too!: Oh, bother.

Judge: So, Melody Time, how does this to be shown after?

Melody Time: (with Johnny Appleseed's voice, speak faster) You see, a first (Once Upon A Wintertime) involves a scene where a young woman gets trapped on an ice floe about to go over a waterfall. The second (Bumble Boogie) where a bee constantly trying to escape from the denizens of a nightmarish, music note-based world. Little Toot envisions a group of angry-eyed, shark-toothed buoys who eerily chant.

Judge: Oh, is that all? Now, you get re-issued for the Gold Classic Collection.

Melody Time: Dagnabit!

Judge: Any last words for The Animal Adventure Series wants to be shown on this?

(A VHS covers of Old Yeller, Greyfriars Bobby, Big Red and The Legend of Lobo bounce up and down, all of four barking)

Greyfriars Bobby: A man gets angry and throws me down! John helps them by giving them food and offers them jobs to earn some money! A funeral is seen where they bury Jock in a coffin!

Old Yeller: (not spoken, barking only) A pack of wild boars attacks the boy! I'm bitten by a rabid wolf and develops rabies. At the end of the movie, I must been shot and killed!

Judge: Hey, you have been shot, right? (a shotgun shoots Old Yeller at off screen) I'll take that!

The Black Cauldron: (off screen in British accent) Wait, I object!

Judge: Who's there?

The Black Cauldron: It is!

Judge: Well, Black Cauldron, are you equipped this Studio Ghibli type?

The Black Cauldron: Yup. That's what the black sheep of Disney cinema you've got.

Judge: Oh, really?

The Black Cauldron: This is the promo for the videocassette appeared on itself in 1998. They probably associated "Japanimation" with sex, violence and cheap production values, this would be a very welcome relief.

Judge: It's really too bad that the relationship between Disney and Ghibli was such a troubled one, right? (as the crowd clamoring)

The Black Cauldron: But it's still fascinating how this trailer focuses on the climactic action sequence or two.

Judge: Yeah, the kids were freaked out a bit. Even they would not help but feel that Princess Mononoke burned more bridges than it built, and is really the point where that marriage turned sour.

The Black Cauldron: Oh, I know. [Tales from] Earthsea and Princess Kaguya got inspired us!

Judge: Yeah, you're telling me. Now, go show this advertised on that.

The Black Cauldron: Right back in time. (runs off, with a slide sound)

(the VHS closes the door, the judge laughs nervous. The title sequence is shown, Then the Private Reviewer sitting on the chair)

The Private Reviewer: Hello, I'm the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't. (nods) It’s about witchcraft, which is like...

(footages of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Disney's Hocus Pocus is shown.)

PR (vo): But it would be a fun little idea to rank the eight from my least favorite to my most favorite is Harry Potter, and the three is Fantastic Beasts and, simply, Hocus Pocus.

PR: But it's not enough what Studio Ghibli made a better one is...

PR (vo): Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle. In my opinion it was one of the best Miyazaki films ever. It had great atmosphere, creative characters, a complex stories and some real legitimate drama.

PR: This is a story about a girl who become a witch who likes to fly into an adulthood as hell— OK, OK. This isn’t what you think. It has Detective Conan in it— OK, just roll it.

(The title screen for Kiki's Delivery Service is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie.)

PR (vo): So when I heard there was Kiki's Delivery Service, I got excited as hell. It's all about plain and simple. It may seem like harmless fun but it’s part of the indoctrination of our kids into the world of the dark side so to speak. The occult is very popular right now and this is another film steeped in the occult. Despite the film is the best, I always like the original one and I can't wait to see...

(a poster of an upcoming Kiki's prequel, Ankama Animation logo, Hayao Miyazaki, a poster of How Do You Live? Masako Sakano, Sunao Katabuchi, Jean-Jacques Denis, and a posters of Dragon Princess, Dofus: Book 1 - Julith, Wakfu and a 52-minute feature on Ogrest and the upcoming Princesse Reinette is shown)

PR (vo): ...a decent hand-drawn animated prequel, Kiki: The Little Witch, produced at Studio Ghibli, Wild Bunch and Ankama, with attached the screenwriter of an award-winning Spirited Away, Hayao Miyazaki, who he created a final film; also attached a decent animator, the directors in Japan who was attached an assistant director of the original; and the animation director in France who created any films with an influenced life of Miyazaki's.

PR (vo): So this small story was something new at the time, yet it still turned out to be a big hit.

?????

PR: So, the film begins as the upcoming prequel ends: with a footage.

?????

Tom (voice by Richard Kind, offscreen) What do you think I am, a dummy?

PR: Shut up.

?????

PR (vo): This movie is so bad. It's so bad because it's good, it's good because it's weak big budget yen (¥800 million), and it's confusing because it's good. Even the moral makes no sense, so how am I supposed to trust the rest of it?

PR: I watched this, and I'm glad I did. We had GOOD shows in our day.

?????

Tagline – Jiji: They're calling you an egg-stealer!

(the credits roll)