User:Unimaginative Username/SHA-UU

SHA-UU (Secure Hash Algorithm - Unimaginative Username)
1. Choose a quantity of leftover cooked roast beef, b, such that (a)b ≤ 3, where (a) = age in days.

2. Using a secure RNG, generate c, where 100 < c < 1000. Much processor time is saved, and little security lost, by restricting c to integers.

3. Perform b/c, resulting in c discrete bits of b.

4. Choose a quantitiy of leftover cooked potatoes, p, such that b ≤ p ≤ 2b AND (a)p ≤ 3.

5. Repeat operations (2) and (3) on p.

6. Perform (b)(p).

7. The product, bp, is then written to a secure environment, with a single point of access available only to the user. A cast-iron pan is ideal.

8. Perform Frye's function, $$\int_{150}^{180}$$, where range = range temperature in degrees Celsius. For ranges of ranges calibrated in degrees Fahrenheit, range = [302]→[356].

9. To ensure a secure output, the plainfood must be padded with cryptographic "salt". Free-form movements of the user's arm over the defined access point are the Best Practice to ensure the mixing of random bits of "salt" with the plainfood. Excess stress on the system is avoided by choosing a maximum level of salt, s, such that s(mg) < 1000 - (BPs+BPd), where BPs = user's systolic blood pressure in mm/Hg, and BPd = user's diastolic blood pressure in mm/Hg. For example, where BPs = 160 and BPd = 80, s should not exceed 760 mg.

10. Add entropy. Perform at least 30 seconds of vigorous random movements of the cursor or mouse within the defined opening of the environment. If this causes damage to the mouse or to the user's fingers, a wooden spoon or a spatula may be substituted.

11. The cryptographer should now perform penetration testing against the randomly mixed, salted, hash. Various hacker tools are available for testing purposes; however, the most suitable appears to be one which was "forked" from its previous version, and therefore is commonly referred to as a "fork". Should fork-assisted cryptanalysis indicate that a stronger "flavor" of cryptography is needed, steps 9 and 10 should be reiterated, through a maximum number of iterations not to exceed the limits described in (9).

12. The secured hash is now ready to be digested by the user and any other authorized recipients.

13. Extended security: The above program, like any other software, is vulnerable to attacks by viruses, worms, and "bugs". Should the entire output not be digested and deleted immediately by all authorized recipients, extended security may be provided by a reverse-engineering of the "Cold Boot Attacks on Encryption Keys" described by Halderman, et al. of Princeton University. To wit: After securing all access points to the cipherfood, chilling its hardware environment to 5º C (41º F) provides enhanced security for 3-5 days. Long-term security -- six months to a year, or even more -- may be obtained by chilling the hardware environment to -5º C (23º F) or lower; however, over time there will be some degradation in the quality of the cipherfood when restored to normal operating temperature and digested.

I, the copyright holder of the above work, hereby release it into the public domain. As a courtesy, please credit the author, e. g., "SHA-UU Secure Hash Algorithm created by Unimaginative Username", with a link to this page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Unimaginative_Username/SHA-UU