Nostalgia Critic- Jetix

Hyped up for action and adventure 24/7?! Then the Critic is about to show you the awesome-st (both good and bad) that the World of Jetix has to offer!

TRANSCRIPT:
(After the Channel Awesome logo plays, everyone  were talking about the start of 2020. Since it’s the 20th anniversary of the Y2K generation, they agreed to talk about nice memories they had about the 2000s decade.)

Critic: ''So, it’s 2020 now. The 2010s have come and gone, and already, and the 2000s are about to be nostalgic soon. So, hope you all have great, cherished memories you wanna share?''

Malcolm: ''When I finally managed to get into my first hoodie! Damn, I could hardly breathe! But the effort is worth it! That and YouTube auditions.''

Critic: ''That’s nice. How about you, Tamara?''

Tamara: I told my parents to fuck off!

(Everyone pauses)

Walter: ''Girl power and stuff…? Well, one more season of ReBoot despite the cliffhanger, and sixth generation gaming.''

Critic: ''A great step in gaming. Good choice, glad you grew up with it---cuz I didn’t. And you, Heather, got something in mind?''

Heather: ''Of course. Kim Possible and her fashion impact, creating Patriot Day, Justin Timberlake in Hollywood! (squeeing)''

Critic: (sarcastically) Uh-huh.

Tamara: ''Hey! That was my line!''

Walter: ''Yeah! The hell with those stupid boy bands!''

Malcolm: ''Yeah! They can all kiss my big black ass! They don’t even sound like they’re actually singing!''

Critic: ''Alright, Mr. Zebub! Got any 2000s memories?''

Satan: ''Oh yeah. 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the Great Recession, Disney buying Power Rangers, Adult Swim taking up Cartoon Network, the FCC screwing us over---''

(Everybody is speechless)

Critic: (creeped out) Ooookay.

yinyangyofan24: ''So, Critic. What 2000s memory you cherish the most?''

Critic: ''Easy. Me starting the show as yours truly, the Nostalgia Critic.''

Walter: Hey, good choice.

(yinyangyofan24 has a creepy smile; he is indeed excited)

Critic: ''And yes, yinyangyofan24. I knew you were waiting for this.''

Tamara: Hope nothing goes wrong.

Malcolm: Remember the last time we invited him to a cookoff…

(flashback shows a kitchen on fire and in a big mess)

Tamara: (on fire and screaming in pain)

Malcolm: (in bruises and a couple burns) Don’t mix the chili with gasoline!

yinyangyofan24: (a little whiny) But somebody labeled it hot sauce.

(Back to present day)

Malcolm: I can barely feel my back.

Critic: ''Alright, yinyangyofan24. You’ve come this far. Tell us what you’ve got!''

(yinyangyofan24 proceeds, excited as he is.)

yinyangyofan24: A lot!

Heather: (sighing) Oh boy…

yinyangyofan24: Anime boom, Transformers going live-action, YouTube, Evanescence, Jetix, Shonen Jump coming to America, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Avatar, and Flash Animation.

Critic: ''(impressed) Ooooh! Good choices. Glad you grew up with them and had---''

(This moment is cut short when Malcolm angrily grabs yinyangyofan24 by his shirt collar.)

Malcolm: (shocked) You watch Jetix?!

yinyangyofan24: ''Of course I did! It’s one of the greatest lineups in television history!''

Tamara: ''Oh my God! What is wrong with you?''

Walter: ''Yeah! Jetix sucks!''

Heather: It injects you with stupid, and replaces your brain with stupid!

Malcolm: Worse than friggin’ 4Kids anyday!

yinyangyofan24: ''Just let me go! Okay?!''

(Everyone shouts at each other.)

Critic: ''(whistles to stop the conflict) Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s all of the commotion?''

Walter: ''Jetix! The most hated excuse for an idea…EVER!!!''

Heather: The worst thing Disney made since Jonas Brothers and Fox ownership!

yinyangyofan24: ''Bullshit! That’s fucking bullshit!''

Malcolm: Shut up!

Critic: So?

Tamara: ''What do you mean "so?" Don’t you understand the magnitude of psychological damage this shit has done?!''

Critic: ''I don’t care. It’s just Jetix. It can’t be THIS bad.''

Malcolm: ''Just be glad you steered clear of it. (lets yinyangyofan24 go and cools off)''

(Just then, yinyangyofan24 quickly recognizes it’s almost five o’clock! Do you know what that means?)

yinyangyofan24: ''Ooooh! Speaking of which!''

(He then zooms off in a flash.)

Tamara: What’s his problem?

Walter: Looks like he thinks we’re gonna kill him!

Malcolm: Well, only a little…unless--- (realizes yinyangyofan24 is trying to watch Jetix)

Heather: What is it?

Malcolm: He is not!

Tamara: SHIT!

Walter: Don’t lose him!

Heather: Hurry!

Critic: ''(giving chase) Hey! Hey!''

(yinyangyofan24 is running across the entire studio, as fast as he can, while dramatic music plays. Everybody else is chasing him the same route.)

Critic: Guys, slow down!

(After the title sequence plays, yinyangyofan24 continues to race for the couch with a different dramatic music score playing , hoping to get to the TV in time. While that, Critic and co. are still chasing.)

Critic: ''Seriously. What’s with the Michael Bay transitions? It’s not big of a deal!''

(And finally, yinyangyofan24 gets to the couch in time, and turns the TV on. It plays the Jetix logo, much to his relief.)

yinyangyofan24: ''Ah, Jetix! What can I do without you!''

(Suddenly, the TV switches to Tom and Jerry, with its title sequence playing.)

yinyangyofan24: ''Hey! Turn that shit back on!''

(After a dramatic sting, he turns to Malcolm, Tamara, Walter, and Heather, who caught up on him, with unhappy looks on their faces.)

Malcolm: ''Look. I beg of you, you’re too old for this crap.''

Tamara: ''You’re still an adult, dude. Can’t you just hate everything?''

yinyangyofan24: ''Hmm, let me think---(barks) NO!!! (switches the TV back to Jetix, that is playing a promo) Now scram, while I experience heaven on Earth.''

Heather: God’s gonna be mad.

(Tamara switches the TV back to The Flintstones, also playing its theme from Season 3.)

Walter: ''Please. Jetix is BAD. They have the worst programming in history!''

yinyangyofan24: ''Underrated I understand. But harmful, I reconsider!''

Malcolm: (groans) No wonder he got fucked pretty hard!

(yinyangyofan24 is about to change the channel. He is quickly stopped, however…)

Malcolm: Leave that shit off!

yinyangyofan24: Never!

Tamara: Everybody will kill you for poisoning your five senses with this code-red stupidity!

yinyangyofan24: I’ll kill you all if you don’t shut up and leave me alone!

Walter: ''Ah. You got some balls, huh?''

Heather: Get him!

yinyangyofan24: (weak squeal in terror)

(yinyangyofan24 then fights over the remote with the four. The Critic thankfully puts a stop to it.)

Critic: ''Hey! Hey!''

Malcolm, Tamara, Walter, Heather: WHAT?!?

Critic: Let him watch the channel.

Tamara: (snarky) Why?

Critic: Y’know, those blue and white backgrounds were more mind-blowing than I remember them.

Malcolm: Wait, what?

yinyangyofan24: (excitedly) You actually watched Jetix?

Critic: Well, a little.

Heather: ''No, Critic! A little’s one too many!''

Malcolm: ''Run! Get out of here while you can!''

yinyangyofan24: ''Leave him alone, Malcolm! Me as well! I’m gonna watch Jetix even in its death, and do you know possession is nine tenths of the law?!''

Walter: Nice try.

(The fighting continues, leaving the Critic to break it up.)

Critic: ''Everybody, stop! Stop! (fighting stops; he then states calmly) Just, hear me out.''

(Clips from various Jetix commercials, bumpers, and shows play.)

Nostalgia Critic (vo): In 2004 through 2009, Disney launched an action-orientated programming block called Jetix. Of course it isn't as memorable as the Disney Afternoon and didn't last very long, given it approximately five years, but what Jetix did was groundbreaking! And of course I know that a lot of people hate Jetix, mostly because the shows were badly panned by critics, and it took up 50% of Toon Disney's programming.

Tamara: Ouch.

Heather: What a bunch of glory hogs.

Nostalgia Critic (vo): Despite that, Jetix took risks and did what no other programming blocks would ever do: appearing every single day! I mean, Jetix was everywhere, mornings on ABC Family and evenings on Toon Disney! And it has everything: it had bumpers, PSA's, sweepstakes, games, a cool mascot, an interactive TV card game!

(Everyone else except Yinyangyofan24 looked on in confusion.)

Yinyangyofan24: No, really. It's a thing. That actually happened.

Nostalgia Critic (vo): And of course, the most kick-ass, and sadly, the most overlooked shows on air! Regardless the effort they put in, Jetix didn't have a long life. It lasted from Valentine's Day 2004 to Friday the 13th 2009! That was one day before it even had its fifth anniversary!

Malcolm: Oooh, tough luck!

Walter: Who cares? Nobody gave a shit.

Nostalgia Critic and Yinyangyofan24: (shouting) BUT WE DO!!!

Nostalgia Critic (vo): Alongside being torn apart by critics and forgotten quickly, and kids who liked Jetix being punished by their pissed-off parents for watching it---

A clip of The Loud House showing Lynn Loud Sr. and Rita Loud being angry is shown.

Malcolm: I can imagine how that felt!

Nostalgia Critic (vo): As of today, most of these shows continue to be hated and forgotten by many, never got a DVD release or re-air, or never mentioned and referenced ever since. But luckily, after the block shut down, people who DO love Jetix growing up or not growing up still remember it fondly, and has gained a cult following over the years.

Heather: Wait! Are there people here who watched that? I weep for those who were broken by it.

Yinyangyofan24: I think they're much more than that.

Yinyangyofan24 (vo): And please note we're not gonna look at ALL of the shows on Jetix. We're just keeping it original, fresh, and short as we can. And dubbed anime and re-runs, unless we can make one or two exceptions, won't be allowed.

Malcolm: By the way, what made you want to watch Jetix in the first place?

Walter: You didn't watch Toonami much, but you watched Jetix more?!

Tamara: You are a mixed bag of weirdness.

Nostalgia Critic: (sulks) Just hear me out.

Nostalgia Critic (vo): Granted that, like Toonami, Jetix is too out of my age range. Hell, I even graduated college before it ever came out. But some of my friends keep badgering me to watch it. So I did, and yeah, it does have a fair share of crap too. But after a glance of it, it really knocked my socks off! It really did!

(Clips of various Jetix shows continue to play.)

Nostalgia Critic: And don't worry, viewers. Throughout this episode, I won't talk about Batman and X-Men again. I'll give you all a break!

Audience: (cheering)

Nostalgia Critic (vo): And I also credit Jetix for airing classic shows, mostly those on Fox Kids like X-Men and The Tick.

Nostalgia Critic: Besides, why the hell would Disney air Superman, Batman, and Pinky and the Brain here? I mean, what the fuck?

Malcolm: And I can't believe you're forcing us to sit through this shit!

Walter: Like I said, Jetix sucks!

Yinyangyofan24: Maybe you suck! Here's an old saying: If you don't like what's on TV, then don't watch it! Oh wait, too late! You're gonna anyway! You see...

(Laser walls and barriers surround the room.)

Yinyangyofan24: I've upped the security by adding invisible force fields around the room.

Tamara: You jerk!

Malcolm: You're freakin' nuts!

Nostalgia Critic: And now, you're gonna see how much impact Jetix made, big or small, whether you like it or not!

(He then evil laughs with lightning effects.)

Heather: Jetix really did break them both.

Nostalgia Critic: So, keeping in theme with today's episode, we got two guest stars. Yinyangyofan24 is a true Jetix fan. He's gonna help us get through thick and thin!

Yinyangyofan24: (blushing) That's my name, don't wear it out!

Nostalgia Critic: And the other is Jetix's mascot. I would like you to meet...Jay!

(Jay appears, making his usual sounds, to everybody's dismay.)

Nostalgia Critic: No, that actually is, his name.

Tamara: What the fuck is that?!

Malcolm: I don't know what he is. It's a cat-mouse-rabbit thing that fused its DNA with metal marbles from Mouse Trap.

(An angry Jay morphs into a fist and punches Malcolm and Tamara.)

Malcolm and Tamara: Ow!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey now! Don't insult Jay and make him mad! He's sensitive.

(Jay winks and salutes. We then cut to the Jetix bumpers.)

Yinyangyofan24 (vo): Jay himself is one of the coolest mascots yet. He is confident, strong-willed, laid back, can clone himself, and can even shape-shift into almost anything to get out of any jam! He is unstoppable!

(Everyone else except the Critic look on in confusion.)

Yinyangyofan24: Hey now, bigger is not always better. Remember that.

Nostalgia Critic: Now, with everyone comfy with their 2000s nostalgia intact?

(Malcolm and Tamara get back up.)

Malcolm: Ow, God.

Tamara: What did I miss?

Heather: And angry parents who rightfully think this is poison to their kids' minds.

Yinyangyofan24's Imaginary Mom: Yinyangyofan24! Turn that shit off!

Yinyangyofan24: (irritated) Shut up, mom! This is the 2000s! We kids watch what we want!

(Everyone else turns on him, in shock.)

Nostalgia Critic: Jesus Christ, dude!

Tamara: And I thought my fights with my mom were bad.

Yinyangyofan24: (happily cooling off) There! Now with that out of the system, and false parental authority backing off...

Walter: Was he raised in the streets?

Nostalgia Critic and Yinyangyofan24: This is Jetix!

(Critic and Yinyangyofan24 do a handshake with electric guitar sounds)

(As the World of Jetix theme song plays, the Critic and Yinyangyofan24 were spazzing out like maniacs and dancing.)

Nostalgia Critic and Yinyangyofan24: (imitating Ash Williams) YEAH, BABY!

(Everyone else feel unimpressed as Critic and Yinyangyofan24 were rockin'.)