Deathspider/Transcript

EPIC INTENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS WITH OPENING LOGOS

'''CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT'''

A lighter clinks. Cut to close-up of Deathspider smoking. He winds up a music box and places it on his desk. He presses the button starting the music box. "All Out Of Love" by Air Supply begins playing. Deathspider walks through his apartment. He knocks some cups over. He turns all of the dials on the oven on and breathes in the gas. He takes a Toaster Strudel out of a mini-oven and throws it across the room. He smokes again. Cut to a shot of a number of pictures on the wall of the apartment. Cut to Deathspider laying down on some barrels of gasoline and continuing to smoke. He flicks his cigarette up into the air. In comes back down and lands in one of the barrels, causing them to explode. He is consumed in the explosion, and his limbs fly everywhere, with one hand flipping off the camera as it goes.

Deathspider: Fuck Spiderman. First, he swings into darker territory with Marc Webb. Then, the red and blue motherfucker breaks all our hearts in Into The Spider-Verse by dying. What a dick. Well, guess what, Spidey? I'm dying in this film series.

'''CUT TO: EXT. HONG KONG'''

Cut to a shot of a city. "X Gon' Give It to Ya" by DMX starts playing. The camera pans to Deathspider sitting on a rooftop as he narrates.

Deathspider: To understand why I took a cat-nap on twelve hundred gallons of high-test fuel, I need to take you back to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago. I’d gone international, taking out mass murderers, gangsters, unspeakable monsters. People nobody would touch. Except me. I’m going to touch them all over.

Cut to inside the building. A man at a bar gets a phone call. He answers it.

Deathspider: Hey, it's Gail calling. Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes.

Man: (In Cantonese) Whatever they’re paying, I'll double it.

Deathspider: I don’t speak Cantonese, Mister…

Cut to Deathspider. He looks at a business card with some Cantonese written on it.

Deathspider: Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that. But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so, (in Spanish) Where is the library? (In English) Which literally translates to, I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.

Deathspider throws his phone away. He leaps off the building through the window of another building, kicking the man he was on the phone with. A number of men at a nearby table get up and point their guns at Deathspider.

Deathspider: Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's. I am so sorry. I thought this was an anal-bleaching party.

The men all shoot him. He jumps over the counter of the bar. He appears dead for a moment and the bartender begins to move. She jumps when he sits up, and he shushes her. Deathspider pretends to be dead when two of the gangsters look over the counter and consider it done. He takes her cigarette from her and puts it out.

Deathspider: Don't worry, you're not gonna die. But these will kill you. Hit it, Dolly.

“9 to 5” by Dolly Parton begins playing. Deathspider jumps back over the counter and pulls out his sword. He takes the men by surprise, killing them one by one.

Deathspider: I'm merely a vessel for the Lord. Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!

'''CUT TO: EXT. SICILY'''

Cut to a funeral. Deathspider sits up from the coffin and fires at the men in the audience.

Deathspider: Whoo! Do not go in there!

He then shoots a fleeing Mafioso with a money suitcase in the head and the suitcase loses the money all over the air.

Deathspider: Let's see Captain America do that.

'''CUT TO: INT. BILOXI'''

A stripper takes some money and leaves before another one comes out. The camera pans in on a party. The stripper is revealed to be Deathspider.

Deathspider: Too exotic?

Deathspider throws a business card on a table. All the nearby men get up and begin firing at Deathspider. He jumps down and begins killing them. When he's done, he slides back towards the stage entrance and the scene smoothly takes over to the Japanese sauna in Osaka.

'''CUT TO: INT. OSAKA'''

All the yakuza raise their swords and so does Deathspider.