Pico vs. the Uberkids/Transcript

Pre-Unloaded
(The minisode opens with Pico recalling the night he and his friends Darnell and Nene fought the Uberkids.)

Pico (narrating): September 10th, 2004. Hot night.

(We see Pico, Darnell, and Nene casually walking down the street)

Pico (narrating): Three hungry kids with nothing to eat and nothing better to do than to look for a treat. Ice cream sounded good. We only ever wanted ice cream.

(Pico and his friends arrive at an ice cream stand and go up to take their orders, only to be taken by surprise when the person behind the counter punches Pico)

Pico (narrating): What we got instead...was a massacre.

(Before they know it, they become surrounded by a bunch of Uberkids and backed into a set of speakers)

Pico (narrating): Just me, Darnell, and Nene against hundreds of identical, uber-intelligent, uber-strong, gene-spliced creeps...Uberkids. We were surrounded. No way we'd make it out without a fight. I said the only thing that came to mind..."Choose your weapon".

(Nene whips out her knife while Darnell pulls out his lighter. The Uberkids, however, take Pico by surprise when they pull out microphones, indicating they want to rap battle)

Pico: Oookay, not the weapon I expected, sooo I'm just gonna use my gun, too.

Uberkid #1: Oh ja, ve're gonna charge you anyvay, so go crazy.

(Pico whips out his dual uzis as the song begins. As Pico raps against the Uberkids, Nene and Darnell stab and burn any Uberkid that comes close to them)

Unloaded
Uberkid #1: Bring on das singing fight! Uberkids show their might! Mit funny rap, ve're skilled und uberbright!

Pico: Think that'll make me scared? I just put down a bear! You're dead! You basic uberchumps don't even compare!

(Pico shoots the Uberkid, only for another to arrive and take his place)

Uberkid #2: Ve are many! Shoot mit your uzi! Ve'll come back und rap until you're voozy!

Pico: So you got clones, that's just all the more for me to kill! You'll pile up and get dumped in a landfill!

(Pico shoots the Uberkid, only for another to arrive and take his place)

Uberkid #3: Nein! Ve are endless! You can't endure us! Uberfred und Ubersam und Uberjon root beyond das grave for us! Vhy don't I put zat gun back in your mouth?

(Pico shoots the Uberkid, and another Uberkid arrives)

Pico: Wanna bite the bullet like your buds? I'll help out! Pico is packin heat, shootin' to the beat Your blood on the arrows makes the combo twice as sweet! Nene's 'boutta stab some backs...

Uberkid #4: No more playing 'round, Uberkids, attack! Fellow soldiers, take your aim!

(Pico shoots the Uberkid)

Pico: While I'm spittin' fire, Darnell's shootin' some flames!

(Another Uberkid arrives)

Uberkid #5: Damn it, damn it! Someone disarm zis freak!

(Pico shoots the Uberkid)

Pico: See a threat, I blam it! Gonna waste you ubergeeks!

(Another Uberkid arrives)

Uberkid #6: Ve can tell you look veak! Think a thought in zat big empty head Ve're better zan you, vhy drag out your struggle?

Pico: Won't give up 'til you kids are all dead You mess with my crew, yer askin' for trouble...

(Pico then starts to breakdance as he shoots multiple Uberkids)

Pico: Everyone hits the floor, when Philly's illest OG Pico's killin' by the score and wieldin' double uzis! Send your little ubergroup, send 'em to the graveyard! When you fight the Pico troupe, ya fall fast and die hard! Make you dorks sing the blues, I'll vaporize your uberschemes! Only way I'll ever lose is in your crappy Uberdreams! Ain't gonna replace My whole funkin' race! After I unload Seven hundred rounds of lead into your ugly face! My strength don't come from charts! I'm a schoolyard hero! And the school was just a start! I'm the sharpest shooter! On computers! Need a tutor? Boutta teach you lunky dairy looters! When you take a mighty gasp and you're about to breathe your last Run this through your mind chamber Your strength and smarts might tear your foes apart But luck keeps us outta danger!

(After Pico finishes breakdancing, another Uberkid arrives)

Uberkid #7: Mein numbers are dwindlin'! You're an uberpain!

Pico: You ain't ever winnin'! So you best refrain!

Uberkid #7: Ve are in ein bender... But ve'll come back vunce we've cloned some more...

Pico: If you won't surrender Not gonna let this bloody battle be a war!

(Pico shoots a nearby rope holding a bus steady and ducks out of the way just as the rolling bus runs over the Uberkid. But this makes the rest of the Uberkids angry.)

Pico: Oh no! Is that rage on your mug? Shoulda left while you could End this for good, uberscrubs! No more mercy, you bozos had your chance So c'mon, give me your worst, you freaks, let's dance!

Uberkid #8: Swinehund! You killed Uberjim! Zat's my bro! Vhy'd you go und splatter him? Bets are off! Ve'll fight 'til ze end! Das Uberkids vill take your life und mutilate your friends!

Pico: Had no clue that I slaughtered your brother, gee... You guys all look the same to me! Don't fret, chum, didn't wanna make you seprate So just stand right there and you can share his fate!

Uberkid #8: Das gun ist empty! I'm callin' out ein bluff! (Hah hah!) Let's ivi Bet you can't defeat me in fisticuffs! Tough!

(Realizing that he is out of ammunition, Pico punches the last Uberkid in the face, ending the song and his story)

Post-Unloaded
(We then see Pico finishing his story in the library)

Pico: And that's how we brutally murdered all the Uberkids! Any questions?

(It is revealed that Pico was telling his story to a group of young kids. None of them say anything, and just look at Pico in shock. One of them starts crying. Skid and Pump are huddling close to each other, trembling in shock.)

Skid: That wasn't spooky, that was kind of scary.

Pump: I didn't think his story was going to be so violent.

Keith: Pico! What have I told you about telling your war stories to literal children?

Pico: What? How else am I gonna fill an hour of community service in this dump?

Keith: It's a library! Read them a book!

(Keith pulls out a random book from the shelves and hands it to Pico)

Keith: Here! This one sounds harmless enough.

Pico: Ugh...The title's so cheery and boring...Whatever, let's just get this over with...

(Pico opens the book and starts reading it to the kids)

Pico: "Smiling Friends, Chapter 1..."

(Oops. Don't think the kiddos are going to stick around too long for this story...)