Ever After: A Cinderella Story (The Private Reviewer)

PR: Hello, I'm the Private Reviewer. I remember it because Nostalgia Critic doesn't. This is a nice attempt to something different with the Cinderella story, but other than offering a decent central performance from Drew Barrymore it didn't do much for me. Many people like or dislike this movie. Awful version that even Barrymore can't rescue. (beat) Strictly for the (vo, a posters of) Titanic, Princess Bride, Rosaline, Game of Thrones, and [Maleficent:] Mistress of Evil crappy crowd. (back to PR...) If you found those movies saccharine, annoying, boring and overrated, you'll probably feel the same about Ever After.

(the title is shown. And the movie clips are shown as PR speaks)

PR (vo): It's a painful two hours of cack-handed nonsense riding on the back of the worst script ever written. Not only is the script childish and cliched, it's way too long. Lots and lots of talking used as a fill in for the absence of a story. But the plot is so boring. There's no magic, no charm, no likeable characters to root for. The direction is clumsy, the story convoluted and the comedy is flat. Despite this movie is okay... (vo, Rotten Tomatoes rating is 91% rating) What am I missing, guys? Even Barrymore didn't like to be using a fairy tale come true.

PR: Let's see what Barrymore have a terribly spoiled, selfish cow moment is up to. This is Ever After.

(the movie opens)

PR (vo): The films starts with Grand Dame entering the Grimm Brothers' house. (a poster of The Brothers Grimm is shown) Ha! That's a joke, Paramount! That's a friggin' joke!

Grand Dame: I find your collection of folk tales quite brilliant, actually.

Jacob Grimm: Thank you. [Well,] there are those who swear that Perrault's telling with its Fairy Godmother and, um...

PR: Heck, no. It's just a supporting character from a Disney movie. (a fairy godmother from Disney's Cinderella is shown in the corner) But she is actually good enough.

Jacob Grimm: Magic pumpkins would be closer to the truth.

PR: (grimaced, groans) Wait, I can't be joke what Paramount could do this crap! (a poster of The Brothers Grimm is shown in the corner)

Wilhelm Grimm: Some claim the shoe was made of fur. Others insist it was glass. Well, I guess we'll never know.

PR: You'll never know, when... well, he didn't have a purpose. It's terrible. Well, let's see what Heath Ledger got to do smashing this mirror kind of the final climactic scene.

(a clip of The Brothers Grimm, Jake Grimm (Heath Ledger) smashing the mirror where the queen shattered, she is shrieking)

PR: Still, it's gone fetish.

(back to the movie...)

?????

Danielle: I would rather die a thousand deaths than to see MY MOTHER'S dress on that SPOILED, SELFISH COW!!!!

?????

PR: Ever After give you Never After!

(as if final thoughts where the movie clips are shown as PR speaks)

PR (vo): This movie feels like torture and painful. It was very hard to watch at times. This is actually ...Torture, absolute torture. Every scene I want to punches the stepmother and older stepdaughter especially the scene where they burn his book and steal her mother's shoes & dress. Then she gets whipped?! And the stepmother constantly puts Danielle down and makes her feel like nothing. Oh and don't get me started on how the stepmother treats the help!! Barrymore screams through the entire movie and the prince is a fool... He is so dumb at times... how could you not recognize Danielle because her hair is up and she's wearing a fancy dress? Not believeable that he just thinks she's someone else...and also he gets engaged to the wicked stepsister? Drew's pathetic attempt at a British accent is only the tip of the time-wasting iceberg. There are so many bad things about this movie that I don't know where to begin. Any attempt to analyze this movie would only be a further waste of time, in addition to the hours already lost watching it.

PR: Oh, wait, right after we have one of the quicker fake sequel recap this crap. (snaps his finger)

(as we cut to the title is NEVER AFTER is shown as the dramatic "CALIGULA" cue plays. As we followed by the clips of the movies, first in The Fisher King where a monster comes with Utopia's book head placed on the former's head (likewise composed by George Fenton); the second in Ripley's Game where Henry (Dougray Scott playing Trevanny) sacrifices himself by jumping in front of the bullet; the third in The Witches (1990) where Rodmilla (Angelica Huston playing The Grand High Witch) begins to transform into a mouse as well. Her mask falls off, revealing, to a snarling roar, her natural ugly appearance; the fourth in HBO's original The Last of Us: where Jacqueline (Lynskey playing Kathleen) had mauled and beaten to death by the infected Skye Cowton; the final in Poison Ivy'' where Danielle (Barrymore playing Ivy with a blonde hair) falls from a balcony landing in the driveway below. Back to PR...)''

PR: That'll do, 20th Century Studios. That'll do. I'm the Private Reviewer. And... I am gonna bought a new book (Utopia) on Amazon. (gets up and leaves)

Tagline - Danielle: ...on that SPOILED, SELFISH COW!!!!

(the credits roll)