Simpsons Night:The Return to the BBC Transcript

Intro
(Typical BBC2 "2"-shaped logo, made of perspex with a white mouse crawling through and out of it.)

Voice over (Kent Brockman): And now BBC1(2) is proud to present An Evening of The Simpsons. (Mallet head flattens the mouse.)

Arthur Ewing (Terry J): Er, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

(Cut to Homer in evening dress at an announcer's desk. Behind him it says "BBC Celebrates" "30 Years" "Monty Python" pictures of  the show to either side.)

Homer: Good evening, viewer. Tonight, BBC1 & BBC2 are celebrating the 30th anniversary of The Simpsons, which is a very special occasion for us Pythons, and I would just like to say on behalf of the whole gang - except for the dead one, of course - how pleased we are to be back at the BBC. Of course, the relationship between us and the BBC has not always been easy, but, er, we really are delighted to be here tonight to celebrate on both BBC channel the 30th anniversary of the first ever transmission of The Simpsons on BBC1. Which, I suppose, speaks for itself. We've been moved down, you see, from BBC2 to Channel 4, the less popular, or more unpopular, channel. So thank you, BBC, for this big vote of confidence. (Angrily) Obviously we're just a tired bunch of pathetic old has-beens who are clearly...

(Pull back to salesman (Terry J) standing in front of the desk, who talks over John's rant.)

Salesman: In case you're interested, Homer's suit is made of fine, brushed mohair. It is made in the new economic zone of Shanghai. So if you like it, or anything else John's wearing, why not contact BBC Costumes, part of the Lufthansa-Sainsbury's aero-grocery group. Thank you.

(Cut back to Homer who has been talking throughout.)

John: I mean it was fine when we were pulling in audiences of nine million, but now, apparently, we're out of touch with the sensibilities of the so-called 'commercially-led television era'. I mean, do you know what Eddie Izzard gets?! Seventy thousand pounds a show! I used to get three-and-a half thousand a series, and The Simpsons changed the face of the twentieth century! Bloody BBC! (Man tips a bucket of water over him and wags his finger.) What are you doing? (Fat Tony enters from right in dark glasses and takes phone off the hook.)

Fat Tony: You were criticising the BBC.

John: Well, don't think you can frighten me with John Bird. Hah! John Bird? He's dead in the water. He'll be in the House of Lords next. John Bird! (blows raspberry). (Man on left leaves shot)

Vercotti: I've got a message from Greg Dyke.

John: (worried) Greg Dyke?

(Man returns from left and shocks him with an electric cattle prod).

Vercotti:Greg says you'd better do your announcing properly, otherwise you're going to have to support yourself for the rest of your life doing Sainsbury's commercials.

John: Oh! No, please! Don't make me work for Sainsbury's again, please. I'll do it properly, I'll be good. (To unseen director) Can we start again please? I'll be really, really, really, good, I promise.

Vercotti: That's my boy (pats him on the back of the head)

John:Let's start again. (Film rewinds quickly back to BBC logo, this time with a kitten inside the perspex "2")

Voice Over (John): And now, BBC2 is proud to present an evening of Monty Python. (Sounds in background of running, cries of "Stop him" etc.)

John (at desk, as before): Good evening, viewer. (Mew, sound of mallet; large amount of gore, flesh and fur lands on desk from out of shot, splashing onto him).

Ugh! (Regaining smile) Tonight, BBC2 are celebrating the very first transmission of Monty Python's Fl... (desk tilts. Pull back to reveal two stage hands (Terry G and Michael) trying to remove the desk). Excuse me, I'm introducing this evening's themed viewing...

Hand 1 (Terry G): Yeah, well that comes under Introductions and Announcements. We're BBC Furniture.

John: I'm sorry?

Hand 2 (Michael): All furnishing comes under BBC Central Furnishing, has to be costed and re-hired out on a pro-rata basis to the user, through central authorisation on behalf of the fundee, i.e. the licence payer.

John: Well, can I just make the opening announcement, please?

Hand 2: Not on that chair you can't, no.

John:But it's a BBC announcement and this is a BBC chair. (tries to retrives it as Terry G is taking it away)

Hand 2: No, no, that chair belongs to BBC Furnishings which is is now a wholly-owned subsidiary of BBC Interior Design plc dot com.

Hand 1: Which in turn is part of American Airlines. (lights go out)

John: What's happened?

Lighting Man (Terry J): (entering from left carrying a torch) It's, er, BBC Open Lighting policy. Er, the lights can be used at anyone at any time who is willing to pay more.

John: But we're on the air!

Lighting Man:Not any more.

(Impressive music. "The Peter Sissons Interview" in large letters. Pull back to reveal it is written on the floor; studio setting behind)

Peter Sissons (himself): I'm Peter Sissons and tonight at 12:30 I'll be talking live to all the surviving Pythons, here in the studio. It's the first time they've been together on BBC television for twenty-five years. So stay tuned.

(Cut back to John, still in the dark)

John: Absolutely typical of the bloody BB... Oh, hallo! Sorry, um, we've given them the cheque, but apparently thay need three days to put it through, so I'm not quite sure what we should, er... (someone strikes a match out of shot, lighting the scene dimly)Good idea! Right! So! Good evening, viewer, again. (sound of knocking. Leans over front of desk and calls down) Will you be quiet down there! And now we're going ot show you a full length documentary about us, and I hear it's absolutely fascinating, as you'd expect... (the lights come back on. Several American Airlines signs have been added to the set.) Oh!

(Two air passengers approach the desk)

Passenger: Do you go via Calcutta?

John: I'm an announcer! (Looking at camera, sighs) What are you? BA 298? (They show him their tickets) Yes, you get into Calcutta at 21:06. (Puts his head in his hand).

Passenger: T'riffic.