The Nostalgia Critic Movie/Transcript

(Paramount Pictures, Sony, Columbia Pictures, Tencent Pictures and Channel Awesome logos start. After the logos, the opening credits start while "The Review Must Go On" by Breaking Benjamin plays in the background with clips from the Nostalgia Critic episodes then the title shows "The Nostalgia Critic Movie". After the opening credits and the song, we see Nostalgia Critic who faces the camera while he smiles.)

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, ever since I reviewed many worse films over the years, you know exactly what I mean. I'm the star of this movie! (Audience cheers and applauds) Shh, shh. So, believe it or not, The Nostalgia Critic Movie is a comedy film. And every comedy film seems to make sense as it starts with the first joke. Happy Gilmore, The Nutty Professor, A Thousand Words, Jack and Jill. Anyway, this is my first clip movie. ("Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and the title appears and reads "Nostalgia Critic's Shitty Ass Clip Movie") Yep, that's right. It's officially my first clip movie ever made. This is where I sit back and do nothing and you watch a bunch of clips of me being wonderful. You acknowledge how fantastic I am, and I go in the back, and smoke a joint. It’s a cheap cop-out, I know, but then again, I’ll be high. So you watch this clip from the ''Foodfight! ''review, and I'll see you roughly in about 20 minutes. Bye!

(Music and title card – “Foodfight! review. First aired: April 8th, 2014”. Re-shot “Foodfight” footage is shown, with Nostalgia Critic.)

Nostalgia Critic from Foodfight!: What the hell is Foodfight!? And why does everybody want me to review it?

(Inside the room are Malcolm and Tamara in lab-coats. Tamara's typing on the computer in a rather weird way.)

Malcolm from Foodfight!: Well, according to our research, ''Foodfight! is one of the worst - if not the'' worst - animated film of all... (Realizes what's happening) Hey, wait a minute. What's he doing? He's not doing anything, he's just looking at a fucking clip movie!

(Cut to Nostalgia Critic reading "The Girl on the Train.")

Nostalgia Critic: Huh?

Malcolm from Foodfight!: What the hell? We really came to see the movie and you just throw this clip movie at us? I mean, that sucks ass!

Tamara from Foodfight!: Yes, the Nostalgia Critic of the past wouldn’t do something like that!

Nostalgia Critic: But it's my only clip movie!

Tamara from Foodfight!: (Mockingly) But it's my only clip movie! God, what a whiner.

Malcolm from Foodfight!: What happened to you, man? You used to have strong, plentiful balls!

Nostalgia Critic: No, no, I do! My balls are still very strong, and extremely plentiful!

Tamara from Foodfight!: Prove it! Do something special for your motherfucking film, something that everybody’s requested, but you never had the plentiful balls to do!

Nostalgia Critic: But what else is there? I mean, I've done The Emoji Movie, I've done Transformers: The Last Knight, those are some of the worst films out there!

Malcolm from Foodfight!: (With background, dramatic music) No, Critic. There is one movie that you have overlooked. A comedy film that's fucking terrible it makes my eyebrows grow with horror!

Nostalgia Critic: (Gasps) You don't mean...

Malcolm from Foodfight!: No, not that one.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh. (Thinks and gasps again)

Malcolm from Foodfight!: Nope, not that one either.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh. (Thinks some more) You mean...?!

Malcolm from Foodfight!: '''YES! HOLMES AND WATSON!'''

(Music and titles from the movie. Nostalgia Critic screams, followed by footage from the movie.)

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, you asked for it, now here it is. Holmes and Watson. Said to be one of the worst comedy films ever made. It came out in 2018, so I sort of considered it on the cusp of being nostalgic, but for my first movie, I'm going to give in and review the movie I've gotten lots of angry e-mails. Ever since from the beginning, I've been asked to review this movie, and now I'm finally going to do it.

(Cut to Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: And you know what I think of the movie? I know what I do! It sucks dick! The end!

(The end credits start to roll, but stop almost immediately after.)

Nostalgia Critic: No, no, I wouldn't do that to you, but at the same time...is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life! This isn't anything even representing life! But it's life for me! It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well, that's pretty sad," well, you know, yeah, it is fucking sad! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (At this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well, that's a pretty sad existence." Well, yeah, it is a pretty sad existence... (Picks up the Holmes and Watson Blu-ray) ...'JUST SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT HOLMES AND FUCKING WATSON''! (Throws down the Blu-ray) I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING!''' I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great? I mean, somebody's just like, "Hey, why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a, a bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a strip club...okay, I've gone to a couple strip clubs...but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like... (Makes a suggestive gesture) ...okay, not with people...but '''STILL, you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere!''' Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little '''fuck-shit?!" Well, I'll tell you who that fuck-shit is! HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS BULLSHIT, TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK?! BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! ''THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! '(Screams at the top of his lungs, then rests on his desk, then a long pause) So, let's start.