Kite Man Hell Yeah (New Age)/Issue 1

Transcript
The issue begins at a dark and stormy night as Kite Man is monologuing on a building.


 * Kite Man: Happy Harbor. A city that apparently has no notable superheroes. So this must be the perfect place to have a criminal upbringing. And the best thing is there are no heroes to stop me. Hell yeah.

He goes to rob a bank as suddenly, Horatio Strong has came to stop him.


 * Kite Man: Who the hell are you?
 * Horatio: I am Horatio Strong! One of Happy Harbor's many protectors!
 * Kite Man: Many?!
 * Horatio: This is the city of no notable heroes. Not no heroes! Now let me eat some Sauncha then I'll kick your ass!

Kite Man starts to run as Horatio groans and flies, chasing after him. Kite Man then notices a phone booth and hides in it as Horatio grabs and shakes it.


 * Horatio: Who you kiddin', Kite Man hiding from me in a phone boo-

He suddenly drops to the ground and starts spazzing.


 * Kite Man: What the hell?
 * Horatio: Sauncha overdose... help me!
 * Kite Man: Screw this!

He flies off as Horatio keeps spazzing.


 * Horatio: Kite Man! I will find you! And I will kill you!

It cuts to a bar as Kite Man is drinking. Suddenly, the news turns on as it is about Horatio Strong.


 * News Reporter (on TV): The father of a Red Lobster manager is in the hospital because of an overdose. Due to that, the manager decided to have a sale so that he can pay for his father's medical bills.
 * Kite Man: What?! They didn't mention that he was a hero or anything?!

Suddenly a woman in a black dress turns to him.


 * Granite Janet: It's because Happy Harbor doesn't give a shit about heroes or villains in their city.
 * Kite Man: Why don't they?
 * Granite Janet: Because they have the biggest tourist trap that ever existed. The Hall of Justice.
 * Kite Man: Miss, whatever your name is, I have an idea!
 * Granite Janet: It's Janet and don't tell me you're gonna blow up the Hall of Justice.
 * Kite Man: What the fuck? No! I'm not a terrorist.
 * Granite Janet: What's your plan then?
 * Kite Man: I have no idea. But I need superheroes and supervillains to be notable. Maybe I can pull the plug on Horatio Strong? Nah. I don't want to kill someone. Maybe I can steal the keys to the city?
 * Granite Janet: Who cares about the keys to the city?
 * Kite Man: The mayor duh! Imma do it!

Later, Kite Man sees the keys to the city as he quickly grabs it as surprisingly it's not guarded. At the bar, Kite Man is celebrating as suddenly the news turns on.


 * Newsreporter: I have some bad news. The mayor's prized possession is captured. His pet cat Mrs. Fluttynutter. Whatever fiend who captured his pet needs to be brought to justice.
 * Kite Man: Nobody is talking about the keys of the city being missing?!

Suddenly, The Masked Marauder comes in, holding Mrs. Fluttynutter.


 * Masked Marauder: Because he doesn't care about the keys. But he does care about Mrs. Fluttynutter.
 * Kite Man: Give her to me.
 * Masked Marauder: Nah.

He grabs and pushes Kite Man as his eyes turn into flames. The issue ends with Masked Marauder walking off while laughing.