Kite Man Hell Yeah (New Age)/Issue 1

Transcript
The issue begins at a dark and stormy night as Kite Man is monologuing on a building.


 * Kite Man: Happy Harbor. A city that apparently has no notable superheroes. So this must be the perfect place to have a criminal upbringing. And the best thing is there are no heroes to stop me. Hell yeah.

He goes to rob a bank as suddenly, Horatio Strong has came to stop him.


 * Kite Man: Who the hell are you?
 * Horatio: I am Horatio Strong! One of Happy Harbor's many protectors!
 * Kite Man: Many?!
 * Horatio: This is the city of no notable heroes. Not no heroes! Now let me eat some Sauncha then I'll kick your ass!

Kite Man starts to run as Horatio groans and flies, chasing after him. Kite Man then notices a phone booth and hides in it as Horatio grabs and shakes it.


 * Horatio: Who you kiddin', Kite Man hiding from me in a phone boo-

He suddenly drops to the ground and starts spazzing.


 * Kite Man: What the hell?
 * Horatio: Sauncha overdose... help me!
 * Kite Man: Screw this!

He flies off as Horatio keeps spazzing.


 * Horatio: Kite Man! I will find you! And I will kill you!

It cuts to a bar as Kite Man is drinking. Suddenly, the news turns on as it is about Horatio Strong.


 * News Reporter (on TV): The father of a Red Lobster manager is in the hospital because of an overdose. Due to that, the manager decided to have a sale so that he can pay for his father's medical bills.
 * Kite Man: What?! They didn't mention that he was a hero or anything?!

Suddenly a woman in a black dress turns to him.


 * Granite Janet: It's because Happy Harbor doesn't give a shit about heroes or villains in their city.
 * Kite Man: Why don't they?
 * Granite Janet: Because they have the biggest tourist trap that ever existed. The Hall of Justice.
 * Kite Man: Miss, whatever your name is, I have an idea!
 * Granite Janet: It's Janet and don't tell me you're gonna-
 * Both Kite Man and Granite Janet: Blow up the Hall of Justice.
 * Granite Janet: How are you going to defeat one of the multiple Justice League teams when you blow it up?
 * Kite Man: That's a future problem! Are you in?
 * Granite Janet: I-I-I guess.

It cuts to the Hall of Justice as Kite Man has set some bombs and is now trying to get attention while in the Hall of Justice.


 * Kite Man: Hey guys! I set a bomb here. It's gonna blow up in like thirty minutes.

Everyone starts laughing.


 * Person 1: Yeah right! The League will stop you!
 * Person 2: Yeah! It's their base!
 * Kite Man: Oh yeah! Let's wait and see!

Meanwhile, in the Watchtower, Batman is watching that happen.


 * Batman: Hey Clark, we should probably send one of our teams to stop Kite Man from blowing up the Hall, right?
 * Superman: We were going to open that Metropolis branch so, let's say we were busy fighting something in space. Besides, I think Kite Man is too dumb to know how a bomb works.
 * Batman: Alright then.

It cuts to the Hall of Justice, 28 minutes later.


 * Kite Man: I suggest you guys run now! I may be evil but I don't want like one hundred lives on my hand!
 * Person 3: Nah. The Flash likely already defused the bomb.

Kite Man shrugs and flies off as two minutes later, the bomb goes off as the Hall of Justice blows up. Later, at the bar, the television turns on.


 * Reporter: Tragic news, a terrorist known as Kite Man has blown up the Hall of Justice. Superman has said that they are working on a new base as they were unable to save the original due to Darksied. Let's hope that Kite Man doesn't terrorize this city more.

Kite Man cheers as the issue ends.