A Tattler's Tail/Transcript

Main plot
[The episode begins at night with the Loud siblings in Loki and Loni’s bedroom. Lynn and Leif are having a pillow fight, Luke is bouncing Leon, Lane is doing Lars’s hair while he reads an Edgar Allan Poe book, Loni is painting Loki’s toenails, and Linka is taking to Levi.] Linka: "So then, Bam! My remote control plane smashed right into Dad's disco ball, and it broke into a million pieces as a piece of shit!"

Lynn: *gasps* "Oh no!" *ducks as Leif hits Loni with a pillow, knocking him off the bed. * "The one he got from winning the Royal Woods "Dance Your Pants Off" contest?! He’s so proud of that thing!"

Linka: "I know. If he ever finds out, I'll be as dead as disco!"

Loki: "Don't worry, you're not the only bastard hiding something from Dad."

Luke, Levi, Lynn, Leif, and Leon: "Oooooooooh, shit!"

Loki: "I accidentally scratched the fucking car with my rhinestone murse!"

[Flashes Back to Loki driving up to a parking space, and turns the car off. When he opens the door, he accidentally dents the car next to him. Realizing this, he then tries to back away, unaware that he was leaving jagged scratches on the side of the van with his murse, then the flashback ends.]

Luke: "You think that's bad? Remember the blackout last week?"

[Flashes Back to Luke setting the volume on his speakers to "Super Max" and strums his guitar once, causing a citywide blackout, then the flashback ends.] Lars: "I rather enjoy the darkness. Speaking of which, does anyone know how to get black paint out of lace? I painted Mom's wedding dress for my dark betrothal to Edwin." [Flashes Back to Lars coming down a party in his underground lair stairs with a wapped Mr. Gobberblobber wearing Mom's wedding dress, completely repainted in black. In the basement are a bunch of disfigured dolls looking towards Lars’s vampire bust, Edna, various of Lars' victims and Steve, Lars' pet gimp, then the flashback ends.]

Linka: *to the audience* "What can I say? We're not angels, let alone stereotypes.”

Loki: “Hey, don’t reference that episode. It literally makes us look bad.”

Linka: *to the audience* “Anyway, we’re not angels. Sometimes, we mess up. But the great thing is, if you need to get something off your chest, you can always trust your siblings." [a knock is heard at the door] "Well, not all of them."

[Linka walks up to the door and opens it, revealing to be Lola; She enters the room.]

Lola: "Whatcha guys talkin about?"

Levi: "Quantum physics!"

Lynn: "Monster trucks!"

Loki: "My relationship with Bebe!"

Loni: "Politics!"

Lynn: "Baseball!"

Lane: "Jokes!"

Leif: "The fucking global warming!"

Lola: "You're telling secrets again, aren't you? It's not fair! I never get included!"

Loki: "That's because you're a damn tattle-tale, Lola."

Lola: [scoffs] "I am fucking NOT!" [the others look at her with disbelief while a cricket chirps.] "Okay, I'll admit I used to be a tattle-tale, but I changed!" [Everybody still doesn't believe her as they murmur to each other. Lola growls loudly, tosses her tiara aside in fury, and screams at the top of her lungs.] "MOM!!!!! THEY WON'T LET ME IN THEIR SECRET SECRETS CLUB!!!!!"

[As Lola storms out of the room, Linka quickly shuts the door. Levi checks his list of secrets.]

Levi: "Mmm. So where were we?"

Linka: "I broke Dad's disco ball, Luke caused the blackout, Loki scratched the car, and Lars ruined Mom's wedding suit. Who's next?"

Leif: *raising his hand* "Ooh! Ooh! So you know how Mom was yelling at Charles for chewing up her boots?" *giggles* "That was me!"

[The siblings begin laughing.]

Lane: *with realization* "Wait a second. Weren't those steel toe?"

[The next day, Linka wakes up and sees Lola looking at her with a wide smile; Linka yells in shock.]

Lola: "Morning, Linky!" *pulls out a maid dress* "I need a maid for my tea party. You're it."

Linka: "No." [She puts her bedsheets back on.]

Lola: "Oh, really?" [She swipes the bed sheets off of Linka, and looks up.] "I hate for Dad to find out who broke his precious disco ball!"

Linka: *gasps loudly, realizing that Lola knows her secret. * "Who told you about that, you bitch?!"

[Lola shrugs her shoulders, pretending not to know; Linka is seen wearing the drees Lola provided.]

Lola: "Top me off." [Linka tips the teacup over.] "I don't hear any tea!"

[Linka sighs, and tips the teacup over while making a whooshing sound to make it sound like tea is pouring out.]

[Backyard. Lars is writing in his poem book, and then Lola approaches him in her princess car.]

Lola: "Hey, Lars. Want to play "Drive me around while I practice my pageant wave"?"

Lars: "Hard pass."

Lola: "Okay." *drives around for a little bit. * "Maybe I'll go play "Dress Up" with Mom’s wedding vest instead." [Lola looks up with realization as a crow caws; Lola gasps.] "Oh, wait. I can't, because someone ruined it."

Lars: *gasps loudly, realizing he knows about his secret. * "Who told you that, you fucking bastard?" [Lola shrugs her shoulders, pretending not to know. She then moves into the passenger seat as Lars sits down on the driver's seat; Lola signals Lars to start driving.] "Shit! Steve is never here when I need him."

[Lars puts on a chauffeur's cap, and begins to drive as Lola begins waving.]

[In the Living room, Loki is texting on his phone, Luke is watching TV, and Lynn Sr. is reading a newspaper; Lola enters.]

Lola: "Luke, can I have the middle?"

Luke: Sorry, little bitch. I snagged it first."

Lola: Oh, okay. I hope your show doesn't, you know, like, end suddenly. I hear there have been a lot of blackouts lately."

[Lola turns back at Luke with a wicked grin.]

Luke: *realizing Lola knows his secret. * "Who told-"

[Luke stops talking, realizing that his father is right next to him. Luke reluctantly places Lola on the couch as he angrily sits down on the floor.]

Lola: "Loki, can I have head scratchies?"

Loki: "No. I need both hands for texting."

Lola: "Oh, I just thought you wouldn't mind since you've been scratching a lot of things lately." [Loki gasps, realizing Lola knows about his secret. He hesitantly begins to scratch Lola’s head.] "Two hands, please." [Lori looks on with disdain.]

[At Leif and Lola’s room; By now, Lola has forced all of his siblings into doing humble tasks for her. Luke is playing a mandolin, Lynn is painting Lola’s toenails, Leif is dressed fancy, and Linka is back to being Lola’s waitress.]

Luke: *playing the mandolin, furious* "♫With a moo moo here, and a moo moo there-♫"

Lola: *correcting Luke* "Uh... I believe I said he had a pig".

Luke: *through griped teeth, more furious* "♫With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there... Somebody kill me!♫"

Lola: "How's my homework coming, Lev?"

Levi: *pulling up a sheet of paper that has the letters of the alphabet made up of different shaped pasta noodles. * "I'm up to the letter "S"."

Lola: "Hmm. Make the macaroni a little crooked. I don't want my teacher getting suspicious." *chuckles; Claps twice* "Jester! How about a joke?"

Lane: [dressed as a jester, lackluster] "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? 'Cause if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans. Ha ha ha ha ha. Get it?"

Lola: "Yes!" *laughs* "Isn't this fun, everyone?"

[As Lola laughs at the fun she’s having, her siblings all grumble in frustration, knowing they're not having fun.]

[In Loki and Loni’s room, the kids are having another meeting.]

Loki: "Well, I think we all know why we're here. Lola knows our secrets, and she’s literally torturing us! Unlike Lars of course"

Lynn: *suspiciously* "Clearly, we've got a rat!"

Loni: *thinking Lynn is referring to a real rat, horrified. * "EW! WHERE?! I'LL KILL IT!"

Levi: *to Loni* "No, you idiotic loser. A "rat" is an informal term for a "snitch"." *to everyone else* "So which one of you lowlifes is it?"

[All the siblings begin to fight, blaming each other for being the rat. During their argument, Linka flies out, and lands on something that hurts her butt.]

Linka: "Yowch!" [she pulls off the item from her butt, revealing to be Lola's tiara.] "What the fuck?" [as she examines the tiara, she notices a microphone attached to it. She then realizes something.] "GUYS, STOP!" [the siblings stop fighting] "I know who the rat is, and her damn name rhymes with "granola"."

Loni: *pulls up Levi* "Levi?"

Linka: *facepalms* "No, it's Lola! She put a microphone in her tiara, and eavesdropped on our meeting!"

[Flashback to yesterday. Lola growls loudly and tosses her tiara aside in fury.]

Lola: "MOM!!!!! THEY WON'T LET ME IN THEIR SECRET SECRETS CLUB!!!!!"

[As Lola was yelling at her Mom, her tiara landed on the floor. The camera zooms in on the tiara, revealing the microphone. End flashback.]

Loki: "Well, now we know who the rat is. But what do we do about it?"

Leif: "Yeah, she still has all our secrets!"

Linka: *pondering* "But what if we had one of her?"

Lynn: "Fat chance. Lola’s a pro. She covers her tracks."

Linka: *determined* "Everyone makes mistakes, even Lola!"

[The next morning, Levi is sorting cereal bits for Lola, the pink marshmallows in a bowl marked "YES" while the regular bits go in another bowl marked "YUCK".]

Levi: "Just 10 more minutes, and I'll have all your damn cereals separated for you, Lola."

Lola: "Oh, good job, Levi. Don't let any of that icky bran mix with those yummy marshmallows." *Looks up at Luke playing a double bass. * "Uh, smooth jazz, Luke?" *giggles* "Nice try. How 'bout a little adult contemporary instead?"

Luke: *acting* "Sure! Anything for you, bro!"

[He plays a different line; Lynn is now painting Lola toes.]

Lynn: "Almost done with the second coat! Then onto the third!"

[While Lola closes her eyes, Lynn gives Linka the signal. She sneaks into Leif and Lola’s room and searches every nook and cranny until she finds a secret note under Lola’s mattress.]

Linka: "Aha!" *grabs the note*

"If you're reading this, you must be snooping. Get out of my room... or else you’re fired. XOXO Lola"

Linka: "If you're reading this, you must be snooping. Get out of my room... or else you’re fired. Signed, Lola" *confused* "Fired?" [She ignores the warning and crumples up the note and finds another note in the wastebasket.IT said, "I said GET OUT OF MY ROOM! XOXO Lola"] Linka: *reading it* "I said GET OUT OF MY ROOM! Signed, Lola." *growling* "Err!" *sees something on his nightstand* "Lola’s diary!" *opens up a page* "Today, I broke Dad’s most prized possession." *smiles thinking she has her*

[IT said, "Just kidding. Only a MORON would write secrets in a diary. NOW GET OUT OF MY ROOM! XOXO Lola"]

Linka: "Just kidding. Only a MORON would write secrets in a diary. NOW GET OUT OF MY ROOM! Signed, Lola." *closes diary* "Man, she’s good! *grabs Lola's tiara* What is your fucking secret, Lola?"

Lynn: *from downstairs, faking concern* "Lola, come back! Don't you want me to put more of that pink crud on your toenails?!"

[Linka gasps knowing Lola is coming and hides the bugged crown in her cap. Lola comes up to her room and gasps in shock.]

Lola: *angry* "BUSTED!" [She’s actually scolding her teddy bear.] "I said, no sweets before dinner, Ms. Sprinkles!" *shivers* "Brr! It's cold in here."

[She sees his window open while Linka is holding on by the sill and closes it on her fingers. Linka then falls down screaming, and lands on a cactus.]

Linka: "YOWCH!" *groans* "Where the heck did this cactus come from?" *sees another note attached to it. *

[It said, "If you landed here, it means you were snooping in my room. Enjoy the pricklies. XOXO Lola. PS. I was just trying to scare you when I said I was going to fire you."]

Linka: "If you landed here, it means you were snooping in my room. Enjoy the pricklies. Signed, Lola. PS. I was just trying to scare you when I said I was going to fire you." *sighs in defeat* "Of course she was."

[M

Mr. Gobberblobber: Hi, Linka. Nice crown! What are you doing? Training for a beauty pageant?"

Linka: "No!" *gets an idea* "Actually, yes!" *runs off*

Mr. Gobberblobber: "Oh. Well, good luck with that!" [He sees Steve behind him] Oh! Steve! [Steve begins attacking him]

[Miss Liza's Pageant Training Center; Linka is talking with some of Lola's pageant rivals.]​

Linka: "No one has fucking dirt on Lola Loud?" [Lola's competitors scream in fear upon hearing Lola's name and run away.] "Sheesh! What did she do to these girls?"

Lindsey Sweetwater?: ​"Psst! Over here!" [Linka turns around and sees a pair of eyes sticking out of a closet door. With no one looking, Linka approaches the closet, and a pair of hands drag her in. The room is pitch black and only the eyes are visible.] "Hey. I'm going to help you. Not because I like you, but because I'm tired of always coming in second place to Lola!

Linka: "Wait. Is this Lindsey Sweetwater?"

Lindsey Sweetwater?: "Do you want the dirt or not?"

Lincoln: "Sorry. Proceed." [Lindsey whispers a secret to Linka, causing her to gasp loudly.] "Holy..."

[Back at the Loud House]

Lane: "... shit!"

[Linka has just told all her brothers Lola’s secret, leaving them completely stunned.]

Lynn: *off-screen* "Man, that is juicy!" [the brothers look over to Lynn, who is actually referring to the burger he’s eating.] "And you got some really good dirt on Lola, too."

[The brothers all lower their eyebrows in irritation, except for Lane, who snaps his fingers at him for telling such a good joke.]

Linka: "Yep, and now, it's time to take her down!"

[The brothers begin cheering.]

[Leif and Lola’s room]

Lola: *after hearing the secret about her. * "Oh no! What the fuck!?" [all her siblings are surrounding her with anger. She grabs Linka by her shirt.] "Who told you about that?!"

[Lola looks at her siblings, demanding an answer. They all shrug their shoulders, pretending not to know.]

Linka: "If you tell Mom and Dad our secrets, we'll tell them yours! Now if you'll excuse us, those of us who can trust each other are going to go hang out."

[The siblings leave while Lola looks on with disappointment, realizing they have the upper hand.]

[Loki and Loni’s room; The siblings are back to telling secrets.]

Levi: "So then, Kaboom! Mom and Dad's bedspread was burnt to a crisp!"

Lane: *barging into the room with a bowl of popcorn.* "Guys! I just saw Lola marching into Mom and Dad's room! I think she’s ratting us out!"

[The kids begin to chatter nervously.]

Linka: "She wouldn't dare!"

Loki: "If she’s taking us down, we're taking her down with us!"

[The siblings all rush downstairs and approach their parents' bedroom, but then Lola walks out with a depressed look on her face.]

Rita [offscreen; angrilly] "YOU LISTENED, YOUNG GIRL! You're grounded for a month! Go to your room!"

[Lola glumly walks away while the others look on dumbfounded.]

Linka: "You're grounded? Wait, what's going on?"

Lola: *sighs* "You guys are off the hook. I took the blame for all the stuff you did."

[The siblings gasp in shock.]

Linka: "What? Why would you do that?!"

Lola: *sighs* "Cause all I really wanted was to be included in your group."

Linka: "Then why'd you threaten to tell on us and make us do all that stuff!?"

Lola: "It was the only way I could get you to hang out with me! But then I realized I went about it the wrong way. Instead of using your secrets against you, I should have tried to earn your trust." *starts heading upstairs* "So from now on, that's what I'm going to work on." *voice breaking* "If anyone needs me, I'll be up in my room for the next 30 days. Care packages welcome."

[Lola sadly walks off, as her siblings look with sadness. Once Lola closes the door, they begin celebrate]

Loki: "That fool really swallowed it. Let's celebrate."

[They walk away; the episode ends]