Kiki (CGI Prequel) (Astro Boy's Critic)

(The video cold-opens on text: "Alexandre Heboyan 2019". Then we see an online chat between Toshio Suzuki and Alexandre Heboyan via Skype)

Alexandre: Hey, there, Suzuki.

Suzuki: Oh, hi, Alexandre.

Alexandre: So, tell me about your ideas for a cinematic Kiki prequel.

Suzuki: Gladly.

(A shot of a Kiki departs Karikiya in 1989 film)

Suzuki (vo): It begins as before, with Kiki departs at the end of the prequel, though it is CG and not an hand-drawn til before the 1989 film.

Alexandre: So you're looking to combine live action and animation, then.

Suzuki: Exactly. But it's not like what every other movie does it. (Listening intently, Alexandre takes out a pen) You see, it's not about the technology, (whispers) it's about the feel of the world.

(Various shots of Spirited Away and The Red Turtle that Toshio Suzuki created are shown)

Suzuki (vo): It'll be like my Asian; same characters, but on a more unique and grander scale. We'll still have cartoon character voices in actors, but it'll be less hand drawn and CGIs...

(Cut to shots of the anime television version, Heidi: Girl of the Alps)

Suzuki (vo): ...similar to what I did in the television of the estate of Takahata, Heidi: Girl of the Alps.

Alexandre: So, like in that film, it takes place in no time period and...every time period of Disney home media in Asia?

Suzuki: Agreed to contribute ten percent.

Alexandre: And it's kind of The Wild Swans vibe. But won't people...

(Another shot of 'The Wild Swans (Toei version, 1977)' is shown)

Alexandre (vo): ...miss the elaborate designs from your movie?

Suzuki: Well, we don't want to give people what they've already seen, do we? We want to give them new ideas against a familiar story.

Alexandre: I see what you're saying.

(More shots of the Asian play are displayed)

Suzuki (vo): There will be no big Hollywood stars, but Hayao Miyazaki hates Disney in American and Europe; all the characters will be Asian, and we'll be the environment out of West and East Asian culture, artwork and history. It'll be like Satsuki, mixing modern technology with timeless traditions to create something new yet classic.

Bob: Satsuki was beloved by a lot of group of Totoro spinoffs.

Julie (vo): It'll be more violent than the other un-Ghibli-like remakes, showing that we want to grow up with our audiences and not treat them like children forever.

Alexandre: (as posters for the Kiki's Delivery Service (2014) version and Grave of the Fireflies (2005/2008) live-action version pop up) We've currently been experimenting with that.

Suzuki (vo): At the end, when "A Message of Rogue" is sung once more, a real baby is held up and the world is revealed to be a mix of modern-day Africa and years of history that inspired the stage show, so we represent the complicated past with the complicated future, not just for Africa, but for the human animal as a whole, fighting for the power, justice and unity.

Alexandre: Wow. Well, that sounds brilliant.

Suzuki: You like it?

Alexandre: It's challenging, it's brave, it pushes the boundaries of not only what Studio Ghibli can do, but what cinema can do.

Suzuki: And, it doesn't have to be that expensive. It's not about looking real.

Alexandre: Absolutely.

Suzuki: Wonderful. So, shall we start production next year?

Alexandre: Oh, we're not gonna make it.

Suzuki: (stunned) What?

Alexandre: No, I set this meeting to see what we shouldn't do for a Kiki prequel.

(We are then shown a shot of Alexandre's notes during his exchange with Suzuki: "Mune: Guardian of the Moon", "The Little Prince", "The Red Turtle", "Playmobil: The Movie" and "Earwig and the Witch")

Alexandre: I just took everything you said and wrote down the complete fact and opposite.

Suzuki: But why?

Alexandre: You're a thinker, Julie, and people don't want that. We want to give them comfort movies and TV shows...

(A shot of various Studio Ghibli animated films and their respective movie is "The Cat Returns" are shown)

Alexandre (vo): ...under the guise of something deep and timeless...

Alexandre: ...even though we're just feeding folks the same old.

Suzuki: Don't you want to challenge and evolve and enlighten your fanbase?

Alexandre: Not as much as I want to make money.

(Then, to a "ta-da!" sound, we cut to a shot of the Kiki prequel, along with the phrase: "AND THAT'S HOW THEY MADE IT". We then cut to Hayao Miyazaki sitting his home, having watched it all, presumably as a bonus on TV premiere. He is quite stunned)

Miyazaki: Well, that was the worthless featurette I've ever seen.

(With that, the proper Astro Boy's Critic title sequence is shown.)

Astro Boy: Hello, I'm Astro Boy; I remember it so you have to. In France, an internationally Disney animated film that isn't Spirited Away? Pfft! Sold! I have to review terrible, terrible prequels to movies I've already looked at. (inhales) And if these prequels are ANYTHING like the movie I just saw the CGI prequel of Kiki.

(Title card and clips of Kiki are shown while Astro Boy speaks.)

Astro Boy (vo): This is one of the worst slaps in the face to a really great movie since... (Kiki's Delivery Service title card appears) THE LAST SLAP IN THE FACE TO IT! But give Kiki's Delivery Service some credit, it wasn't...this! This is the Star Wars of prequels; the Harry Potter's Fantasic Beasts; the... (The Cat Returns cover appears) Case in point, Miyazaki! It's one of the worst prequels to a good franchise I have ever seen, period.

Astro Boy: These are the (brings a thick stack of papers on his desk) notes of things that are wrong with the movie, so as you can imagine, there's a lot to talk about. So I will do my best to keep this review under a millennium long, but I make no promises. (beat) Let's take a look.

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Astro Boy (vo): Golly, no pressure on this girl! They just give him a direct order to be exactly like your mother, the great heroine witch girl! God of Anime, do you think Jesus’ parents acted that way?

Astro Boy: (speaks as Jesus’ father to a Photoshopped image of Jesus as a kid while calming, holy music plays in the background) Now, Jesus, you know your mother and I are very, very proud of you. (inhales through his teeth) But…if it’s at all possible…do you mind dying for our sins? (record scratch as music stops, and baby Jesus looks at NC in shock) (laughs) Nope. Not just askin’.

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Jiji: (fake sobs) Oh, what a third age made of!

Astro Boy: Wow, I remember that third age made of the trilogy of "The Hobbit".

[Clip of "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey".]

Bilbo: I do believe the worst is behind us. [smiles]

[Back to Astro Boy]

Astro Boy: (smiles) Yeah, Bilbo's fine. (The picture of Hayao Miyazaki and Guillermo Del Toro is shown) But Miyazaki hates Hollywood. He was only an influence of Guillermo Del Toro as well, he did it.

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Astro Boy: WWWhat?!

Astro Boy (vo): LADY VAIN IS THE SECOND VILLAIN, LIKE DISNEY'S PINOCCHIO?!

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Astro Boy: (gets fed up and points to the camera in rage, finally finding the right words) DUMB! THIS IS DUMB! It can’t be for real! It can’t be! No movie could possibly be this stupid! It has to be a secret cave hideout sequence than Spaceballs or…what am I even looking at?! It’s like Lost Boys' hideout if it was designed by this movie, Hook! Somebody else took over this movie! An insane asylum, probably!

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Astro Boy: This has got to be the freaking dumbest twist I’ve ever seen in my life! I mean…the girl is a adventurer who was becoming a witch? (pauses) What…sick twisted brain would come up with something so stupid?!

(cut to Dr. Insano (played by Noah Antwiler, aka Spoony) typing on his laptop)

Dr. Insano: “And then the girl turns into a human witch and befriends all his friends.” (pauses to absorb what he just wrote) Genius! It’s a work of genius! (laughs wildly) I’m gonna call my creative consultant and see what he thinks!

Daddy Walrus: (calls on his phone) Wonderful! So the girl becomes the human witch? Wonderful! It’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant! You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Insano.

Dr. Insano: I know! Now, every child in the world will know that they can no longer escape the clutches of science!

(They both laugh their heads off for a bit; Dr. Insano even bangs his head on the table while laughing)

Astro Boy (voiceover): I mean, it’s incredible, it’s absolutely incredible! You know what this is like? I…Oh, no.

Astro Boy: No, I can’t even make the comparison! I can’t, it’s too stupid to make. (places a hand on his face, then sighs) But it’s true! It’s so true! “Kiki's Delivery Service”—this wonderful, creative film—has officially become a witch girl with fantastic abilities trying to get home again…you know where this is goin’!

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