Little Audrey (1956, Pre-Origin Story) (Nostalgia Critic)

NC: Hello, I'm Astro Boy. I remember it so you have to. It's no secret that films have had a bit of a checkered past.

(Cut to a montage of clips of scenes in movie: Casper...)

Casper: Hi?

(Kat faints)

(...Casper: A Spirited Beginning...)

(a girl screams, Casper plug his ears)

(...Sad Sack [1957])

(Jerry Lewis as Sad Sack, he salutes with Maj. Shelton)

Maj. Shelton: Go away.

(Back to Astro Boy)

Astro Boy: Pretty good and bad, apparently. But the one film that everyone agrees is--

Voice: Sigh...

Astro Boy: (looking around) Hello?

(We then cut to Don Birnam (played by the man) wearing a beret and holding a glass of something-or-other in one hand and a Little Audrey's magazine in the other. Miklos Roszas' "The Lost Weekend" plays in the background)

Don Birnam: Sigh...

Astro Boy: (screams) Why, do you have something to say, real estate of Ray Milland?!

Don Birnam: Oh, I was just hallucinating at the misfortune that you have to review that god-awful animated pre-origin story of Little Audrey.

Astro Boy: The pre-origin story? Well, I mean...

(Cut to the clips "Harvey Girls Forever!" on Netflix)

Astro Boy (vo): ...I've talked about it before and after in the future...

Astro Boy: ...and even though I do like the films more, I do think there's a lot of good and bad things about it.

Don Birnam: No, there's not.

Astro Boy: Well, I'm sorry it did nothing for you, but I actually got quite a bit out of it.

Don Birnam: (smugly) No, you didn't.

Astro Boy: Golly, how do you know what I got out of it?

(Cut to the dark-brown man, Uncle Remus.)

Uncle Remus: Because no self-censorship fan would enjoy something so beneath us.

Astro Boy: Oh, is that so, self-censorship fan? Oh, your parents give you weird names.

Uncle Remus: Yes, we rewarded this film and wanted to congratulate you for shown them.

Astro Boy: Look, I know this film isn't that beloved, but honestly, I think it gets way too much love and hate.

Uncle Remus: Eh?

Don Birnam: That's what Casper said.

Uncle Remus: I hope you mean that ironically.

Astro Boy: No, I legit really like this film.

Don Birnam: Are you not aware of the masterpieces that are the Paramount cartoons?

Uncle Remus: Though, wait, are we at the point where we like them yet?

Don Birnam: No, we have to wait for one more project (A shot of a news article is shown in the corner, announcing Little Audrey's reboot coming to Peacock) and then we can say we always thought they were overrated.

Uncle Remus: Ah.

Astro Boy: Okay, I know a lot of people make fun of this movie, especially after the Peter Jackson trilogy came out, but I still think there's a lot to praise about it.

Uncle Remus: Nope, there's nothing.

Astro Boy: Not one thing, huh?

Don Birnam: It's just a worst film by a worst makers who does under cinema or self-racism content.

(Suddenly, Astro Boy hears an door open and looks offscreen to see Little Lulu come into the room. His hands balled into fists)

Little Lulu: Ya wanna say that to my face?

Astro Boy: Aw, great, you got Little Lulu involved!

Don Birnam: So what?

Astro Boy: It's kind of like social distancing: far away, there's a lot to study; up close, it might be dangerous.

Uncle Remus: Well, good thing we're extremely far away.

Little Lulu: Oh, hey, ya got something on your face. Come closer.

Uncle Remus: (leaning in close) Oh?

(Suddenly, Little Lulu reaches out and almost punches Uncle Remus. He slaps Little Lulu's hands at two times)

Uncle Remus: How did ya do that?!

Astro Boy: (shaking head) Things rarely make sense with him.

Don Birnam: Oh, yeah, well, Paramount took years earlier to film his masterpieces, and you lazily told people to draw. I appreciate where the real talent is at.

Little Lulu: Oh, you're so right. That's why I mailed you a present for being (points to his head) so smart.

Don Birnam: (surprised as she sees a box in front of her) Oh, so you have. (laughs) Well... (laughs again) how kind of you (starts to open box) to kindly be so–

(As he opens the box, however, he lets out a scream, as a strange drawing of a tentacled creature of some kind with teeth pops out and attacks her)

Little Lulu: How dare you call me lazy, you bastard!

-

Astro Boy: Just stick "racism jerk" on the cover and we'll be good. (The image of the final shot of Petunia knocks the stranger with his box is shown with the caption "RACISM JERK")

(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we see the stranger with a bear suit escorted Little Audrey to a faraway forest where she was happily picking wildflowers.)

Astro Boy (vo): So the stranger attempt to kill Little Audrey into a field where the all-American half-orphaned girl played with the birds. When suddenly, he wore a bear suit and tries to kill her.

(Then, he prepares to kill Little Audrey, but cannot bring himself to do it)

Astro Boy (vo): He finds he can't actually kill that girl, but he decides to tell her to run away as proof.

The man with a bear suit: Run away! Never come back! Go! GO!

Astro Boy (vo): The stranger tells him to run away. Who knew? Heck, maybe even Snow White has a similar backstory.

(As Little Audrey running through the Snow White-esque woods, Suddenly, footage of the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs movie is mixed in comparison)

Astro Boy: (hastily) Sorry, that was from the Disney movie, but it's wonderfully hard to tell, isn't it?

Astro Boy (vo): Little Audrey entered an ax-murder type of the black maid's house, and we see after a dramatic intensely scenes because... (Images of the fairly mild intense scenes from various timeless classics, such as Pinocchio (call out of his friend, Jiminy Cricket, after he's kidnapping by Stromboli), Bambi (he looked very scared, screams at no answered her mother), Kiki's Delivery Service (she being attacked by Ursula's hooded crows), Daisy-Head Mayzie (she chased by the swarm of bees) are shown) ...that's just what she did for a while... and Little Audrey finds the black maid trapped him from the inside.

-

Astro Boy (vo): This maid has hiding off with Tom & Jerry. It's big, it's disgusting, it's intense, it's visually mature. It almost got the film a PG rating for being too racism provocative. Let's see that with a mocking the black maid make one of racist deception in the Disney's banned movie, Song of the South.

Astro Boy: And yes! Yes, I am! I find him very own private like any Fandom Events!

Don Birnam: How dare you! I'm gonna show you that she's the worst black maid alive!

Astro Boy: No! No, no, no...!

Uncle Remus: Come in here, Petunia!

(Petunia the Maid appears and join Uncle Remus)

Uncle Remus: Hey, Petunia! Let's tell a joke.

Petunia the Maid: Okay! Who's there?

Uncle Remus: Eh?

Petunia the Maid: BLEAH!

Uncle Remus: "The African Inquisition" who?

(Petunia the Maid speaks some racism language again. Uncle Remus laughs at this. Don Birnam looks irritated, horror and anguished towards Astro Boy, while Astro Boy slowly looks towards to the camera, a sign with 'NOT FOR KIDS... OFFICALLY' pops up next to Astro Boy's confused face)

Uncle Remus: There, you see? We're the racist people in Africa!

(Uncle Remus goes on laughing while Petunia speaks racism. Astro Boy looks at Don Birnam confusion)

Astro Boy: Is this a racism joke?! (sighs) Fine.

-

(Little Audrey walking away from Petunia's house to the city, cut at "The Red Lobster Inn", the Coachman is telling Honest John and Gideon about the boys going to Pleasure Island)

Astro Boy (vo): So, Little Audrey escaped from Petunia's. Meanwhile at almost midnight the worst animals hears the fat guy say whoever the boys going to make free with the evil of Pleasure Island will become the future ruler of the land.

Coachman: I'm collecting stupid little boys.

Honest John: Stupid little boys?

Astro Boy: Okay, that scene looks weird. I mean, that animals'...

Astro Boy (vo): ...drunked out of this one of the hallucination things I've ever seen.

Coachman: They never come back... as BOYS!!!

(Leans into the camera, red in the Coachman's face with a huge evil smile, his eyes bugging out of his head, and his powdered wig forming devil horns. Honest John and Gideon cower in fear as he laughs maniacally)

Astro Boy (vo; as the Coachman): (evilly laughs) I'm a devil! I'm a dev- Wait, why does this scare them?

Astro Boy: (as the Coachman) All right. When he tell the stupid boys go to the Pleasure Island, but he instantly becomes a devil. Who wrote this?

-

(as Audrey goes into a true addict's panic, tearing the room apart looking for a candy bag. She remembers where her final stash is hidden in the lamp, but a mouse has beaten her to it. Then Little Audrey frees the canary, flee out of the cage; suddenly, the shadow of the bird on the wall transforms into that of a bat.)

Astro Boy (vo): Soon Little Audrey will never too late, though, as she's looking for the candy by Don Birnam's inspired movement. Then, at the intensely scene of the hallucination, the bird turn into a bat is caught to look at her!

(Audrey screaming as the camera pulls back to reveal her gripping the wall!)

Astro Boy: Wow, this is the disturbing part of The Lost Weekend scene.

Don Birnam: Yes, that's my award-winning film. You see, Astro? She's got him back in Butterscotch and Soda.

Astro Boy: Oh, is this not an awesome moment? Not great and it's getting weird now. Okay, cue the place of The Candy Horror Land.

Don Birnam: I hate this thing.

Astro Boy: (to audience) What do you think? Is this a nightmare place? (shrugs)

-

(Audrey reaches her limit and she grows steadily more nauseous; suddenly, a tremendous bag of candy shape-shifts into a large, menacing ghost who points accusingly at her!)

Astro Boy (vo): But just when she think this is something sickness... But before she getting the bag out, suddenly, the bag transformed into a menacing monstrous thing!

Bag Ghost: (singing) You got a Tummy-Ache Blues!

Astro Boy: Oh, my God. Little Lulu's in Hell, it finally happened.

-

Don Birnam: And do you know what Little Audrey said about the happy or sad ending? Like this. (He snaps his fingers vertically) Or like that. (he snaps his fingers horizontally and goes on repeating the gesture.) Like this, or like that, like this, or like that.

Astro Boy: I don't like this. Or don't like that.

Don Birnam: No scene, please. (at last, he snap his fingers)

Astro Boy: (he crosses arms and turns away looking hurt) Leave Audrey alone! I still don't like it!

-

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