Nostalgia Critic - Frankenweenie (transcript)

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NC (vo): Victor runs after him. But as Sparky is about to return to the field, he's hit by a passing car and dies!

(devastated, Victor looked in horror, he won't impulsively run forward into danger but the parents gripping him)

Victor: NOOOOOOO!!!!

(clip of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is shown)

Frodo (dubbed by NC): Oh, that's how I was supposed to do it.

(Victor watches at the grave side, devastated. His Mom and Dad give him a quiet moment to grieve)

NC (vo): When Sparky's deadly body is given a somber funeral at the New Holland Pet Cemetery, which...Victor, I guess, who is still distracted by Sparky's demise.

(Mom and Dad sit on the edge of the bed, trying to comfort Victor)

Victor's mother: They just move into a special place in your heart.

Victor: I don't want him in my heart. I want him here, with me.

(as Victor’s sadness remains as we travel through in the car on the way to school and finally in the classroom', 'unable to concentrate, he doodles pictures of Sparky in his notebook and barely listens to the lecture)

NC (vo): Victor says, "I wanna bring him back to Sparky's life, so can I". Her first order of the plan business?

Mr. Rzykruski: Even after death, the wiring remains. Watch as the muscles respond to the electricity.

(Mr. Ryzkruski places the frog onto his desk and begins to hook an electrode to its leg.)

NC (vo, as the child; high pitched voice): Eww! What the hell that frog kept her alive?!

(NC is disgusted)

NC: (as Victor) That's the worst dead animal that makes when it electric.

(Victor looks back and forth between Mr. Ryzkruski’s demonstration and his doodle of Sparky. An idea.)

NC (vo): So, Victor had a Grinch-like awful idea, immediately draws crude lightning bolts around the doodle.

(Victor rushes to home, Victor collected the furnitures to set up into the attic)

NC (vo): As the plan for saving Sparky's revival, Victor sneaks home, past his parents, and up to his room. He collects various bits of electrical equipment from around the house, telling him her mother don't even notice in the afternoon.

NC (vo): That night, Victor sneaks into the cemetery, and digs up Sparky's remains. When the cat perches on a gravestone.

(as the cat, like "Coraline", screeches at Victor!)

Louis (from Pet Sematary): Fuck off, hairball.

(back to the attic, Victor places Sparky on a platter and raises him up through the attic skylight. Mr. Burgemeister watches in disgusted curiosity as Victor lets fly a trio of kites into the storm. One by one the appliances start to whir and come alive. Victor watches as lightning strikes near Sparky's body. Victor then begins to hoist Sparky up through the sky light.)

NC (vo): Before Victor can give her Sparky's dead body, though...and by the way, yes, we figure out what it was going to be...he steps in to constantly show Sparky kept him alive.

'''Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (from Young Frankenstein):''' Give my creation... LIFE!!!

(The metal table finally reaches his resting spot under the swing set. Now all he can do is wait. He watches the storm intently, silently urging Zeus' thunderbolts to strike.

NC (vo): So, yes, Victor watches weren't pointless enough in this, they will offset dead dog body with Sparky alive instead of death edition. (as Zeus) The gift of life is deadly thine!

(Victor hugs Sparky's remains, and feels his tail move)

NC (vo): To make things even dumber, Victor's idea to give Sparky raise her alive.​​​​​​​

(Sparky comes to life, still halfwrapped in the blanket)

Victor: You're alive.

NC: WHAAAA?!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It's alive, it's alive!

(Sparky wags his tail with glee, until it falls off)

Victor: I can fix that.

NC (as Sparky, voice over by Gollum (from The Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit) voice): Yeah, me too, my precious VICTOR!

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Edgar E. Gore: Your dog is alive!

(Victor looked shocked, gasps)

NC: (as Victor, looked shocked) No. That's not true.

Luke Skywalker (from The Empire Strikes Back): That's impossible!

Edgar E. Gore: I know it is so impossible but you did it.

NC: (laughs) Of course, I know he did it.

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(Sparky grabs Victor, Mom and Dad sees them appearing out of the smoke. Sparky barks with joy and is about to run to join Victor and his parents when the vampire cat rears up from out of the flames and drags Sparky back into the collapsing windmill.)

NC (vo): Sparky literally saves Victor from the windmill, and the crowd cheer and Victor and his parents share a relieved embrace. When the vampire cat dragged Sparky, but they fighting them on the windmill's on fire and stabs the vampire cat's heart on a wooden beam.

(a flaming shard of wood breaks off the rafters and plummets to the ground, impaling the cat through the heart.)

NC (vo, as the vampire cat in a screeching voice): Ah! **** off...! (normal) Sparky wins and saved the crowd when the windmill collapsing and dies again!

(Finally, the windmill collapses. Victor looked horror.)

Victor: NOOOOOOO...!!!!

Frodo (from “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring”): NOOOOO!!!!

(Later, a firefighter emerges from the debris carrying Sparky's body and lays him on the dirt. Victor kneels over the lifeless body of his amazing dog. All the cars are in a circle around Sparky, their headlights blazing. As we circle, townsfolk lift the hoods of the cars and attach jumper cables, which all feed in to two main lines. Victor attaches cables to Sparky.)

NC (vo): So after that…fatal blow to your same recording as Victor, we see the fireman rescue Sparky's lifeless body, but then Victor and the crowd do not know what they're talking about the revival of the undead dog itself.

(The townspeople rev their engines but it doesn’t seem to be working.)

Bob’s Mother: Give it more juice!

NC: (shrugs) I guess any excuse to use a remade as 1984 version.

(Victor approaches his dog but Sparky still isn't moving. He kneels down and places his hand on his back. He looks at his tail but all is still. Victor takes the clips off Sparky and walks away back to his Mom and Dad. They hold him for a long beat, when we notice Sparky's tail thumping. Then sits up like he’s woken from a good long sleep. Victor turns as Sparky gets up and runs towards him.)

NC: (vo): So it appears Sparky is dying. What if Victor revives Sparky to bring her back what was lost? Shock the hell out of his crotch! That’ll wake him up!

(Victor hugs Sparky while the crowd cheers and applauds.)

NC (vo): So not only is Sparky brought back to life, but he’s actually sworn in as an ghostly citizen. That’s quite a stretch, 1984 version. And that's all there is, there isn't anymore!

NC: It's fantastic, glorious, spookiest stupendous! (Pause) What a cup of dick!

(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

NC (vo): The movie was creepy same as black and white film as Frankenstein spoof by Tim Burton, and it all hinges on a scary joke! Everything just seems to be on autopilot. There’s no passion or drive to anything that happens. You totally forget you saw it just a few minutes after the viewing. So, Frankenweenie, if you really wanna revenge something, rising our life this piece of shit movie for making us suffer so much!

NC: The scary's not bad as Halloween, it's not a little kids movie for good, there's like a scary plot holes, and it's just not that entertaining. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... (Shaggy and Scooby-Doo screams at offscreen noticing Nostalgia Critic, they pass through him and run away in fear, a long pause) What the f--?

(The Were-Rat jump scares, cause NC screams hysterically and run out of the room.)

THE END... Or is it?

Channel Awesome Tagline—Edgar E. Gore: Your dog is alive!