The Simpsons: Hit & Run (movie)/Transcripts

This is the transcript of The Simpsons: Hit & Run (Live-Action film).

(Shows 20th Century Studios logo)

Text: Twentieth Century Studios Presents

Text: A Gracie Films Production

Text: A David Silverman Film

(The story starts at brighter blue sky with cumulus clouds, then a strange glowing beam appears, then a sworn of wasp cameras coming from the beam, then the text, "The Simpsons: Hit & Run" materializes out of the clouds. The camera zooms, and we move through the letter "P" into the swoop, which leads to The Simpsons' House, where a wasp camera is at, we see Bart at the garage, tie in his shoe, & rides off on his skateboard, we see Marge at the front door, then the wasp camera flys through the living room window, where we see Homer is sleeping on the couch. Then he wakes up, & see the wasp camera right in front of him, he destroyed the wasp camera. After he destroys the wasp camera, Krusty the Clown suddenly appears in a television commercial.)

Krusty: (on TV) Hey hey! I'm endorsing a new cola, kids, and this one isn't poisonous to anybody!

Voice in Background: That we know of.

Krusty: ''(on TV, holding a can of Buzz Cola) New and improved Buzz Cola is made of only the finest sugars and waters. Plus, it has a special ingredient to hot for the FDA!

(Krusty hands a can of Buzz Cola to a boy in a Buzz Cola costume.)

Krusty: (on TV) It'll give you the get up and go you need to do all the pathetic stuff you have to do. Try new improved Buzz Cola!

Homer: Mmmm, cola. Must get Buzz Cola. (drools, as he gets up and walks out to the front door, then Marge appears)

Marge: Homie, somebody ate every dessert in the house! I need you to run to the store and pick up some of that ice cream with the miniature pies in it.

Homer: Uh, must have been one of our kids, probably Milhouse.

(He gets into his car, as he starts the engine, Marge is at the car window)

Marge: (holding Lisa's science project) Oh, & Lisa left for school without her science project. Can you get it to her, after you run to the store?

Homer: Oh, do I have to?

Marge: You can drop it off on your way to work.

Homer: And I have to go to work?!

(She hands Lisa's science project to Homer, as he drives off to Kwik-E-Mart. The scene cuts to the Kwik-E-Mart, he arrives, & goes into the store and talks to Apu.)

Homer: Hey Apu. Give me a Buzz Cola, and I need another bucket of ice cream with mini-pies.

Apu: What happened to the ice cream with mini-pies your wife bought this morning?

Homer: I probably ate it, I don't remember stuff too good.

(He hands the cola, & the bucket of ice cream to Homer, & Homer hands out money to Apu, as he puts it in the cash register. Homer heads out with the cola and the bucket of ice cream.)

Apu: Thank you! Come again.

(Scene cuts to Springfield Elementary School. He arrives, takes Lisa's project, heads inside, & gives it to Lisa.)

Lisa: Thanks for bringing me my model of the digestive system! ... Hey, where's the gall bladder?

Homer: Uh, I got hungry, and... it was a fig.

Lisa: It was modelling clay!

Homer: Ohh...

Lisa: By the way Dad, Mom called, she needs to talk to you before you go to work.

Homer: D'oh!

(Scene cuts to the Simpsons' house, he parks the car, & talks to Marge at the front door.)

Marge: Homer, go talk to Ned Flanders, he seems miffed, and PO'ed.

Homer: Why me? I'm the world's greatest neighbor! I even have a mug to that effect.

(He heads to Flanders' front door, he rangs the doorbell, & Ned Flanders opens it)

Homer: Hey, Flanders, what is it?

Ned: I'm all in a dither, Homer. So many of my possessions have disappeared... I called the police to find the culprit!

Homer: Culprit, eh?

Ned: My lawn chair, my cooler, my family portrait, even Rod's inhaler, what kind of sick individual would take this stuff?

Homer: (In his head) Oh no, I borrowed all of Flanders stuff, quick, think of an excuse to get out of here.

Homer: Err, excuse me, I think I have to go shuck some corn.

(He runs off to his car, & drives off)

Homer: Okay, Flanders' cooler. I gave it to Barney!

(He drives to Barney's house, he knocks the door, & Barney opens it)

Homer: Hey Barney, do you remember that cooler I gave you for your birthday? Well, Flanders wants it back.

Barney: Now what will I use for a toilet?

(He hands the cooler to Homer, as he heads to his car, & drives off)

Homer: Okay, what's next? Flanders' lawn chair. I left it at the pawn shop.

(He drives to the pawn shop, & heads on in)

Pawn shop cashier: Afternoon, Simpson. So what can I do for ya?

Homer: I want to pay for the lawn chair.

Pawn shop cashier: Okay, Simpson. That's $20.03.

(He hands the money to the cashier, & heads off with the chair, & drives off)

Homer: Almost done! Now I need Flanders' stupid picture of his stupid family. Where did I left it? Uh huh, it's at the cemetery near Maude's grave.

(He drives to the cemetery, gets the picture, & drives off)

Homer: Okay, last one! Now where did I leave Rod's stupid inhaler... duh, on top of the Duff truck!

(He drives to the Kwik-E-Mart, gets the inhaler, & drives off to Flanders' house, he rangs the doorbell, & Ned answers it.)

Homer: Flanders, look! I found your missing stuff! Now about the reward...

Ned: Thanks, neighboroonie! Here's your reward. A prayer from the lord's number one fan... Our father in heaven, bless this noble oaf.

Homer: Stupid Flanders getting happiness from religion!

(He drives to work at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, & heads to his workstation, but he finds a camera in his office)

Homer: How can I sleep with that camera? Ooh, sexy girls could be watching me on the internet! Stupid cameras, you should be smashed! I'll destroy you at your power source! Hahahahahahaha!!

(He goes and around the plant and destroys all of the power couplings. He goes back to his workstation.)

Homer: Finally I can get some sleep.

(The whistle blows)

Mr. Burns: (On a speaker) Mindless drones, return to your ugly families.

Homer: D'oh!

(He drives home, puts the bucket of ice cream in the freezer, gets his cola, & heads to the living room. He turns on the TV, & on the TV broadcast Kent Brockman on Channel 6 News)

Kent Brockman: (on TV) ...the famous bearded cartoon creator incarcerated in a Verubian jail. In other news, local citizens are outraged over the discovery of surveillance cameras throughout the town. We go now to city hall where Mayor Quimby is feeling questions from an angry mob.

Mayor Quimby: (on TV) These miniature cameras are an outrage. Spying on our women's dressing rooms, bathrooms, and locker rooms is unforgivable! I think I speak for all Springfielders when I say: "Where is the sexy footage?!"

Kent Brockman: (on TV) In other unexplained news, strange black vans have been appearing all over town. Channel 6 has exclusive footage of one such van.

(The footage shows the black van at the Simpsons' house.)

Kent Brockman: (on TV) To make up from that boring shot, here's footage of a robot being eaten by a alligator.

(The footage shows a robot being eaten by a alligator. Then we see Homer spying on that van from the front window, then Marge appears.)

Homer: Marge, that black van is spying on us.

Marge: Oh, Homie! You're so sexy when you're paranoid.

Homer: I got to follow it.

(He goes outside, heads to his car, & chases the black van which leads to Mr. Burns' Mansion)

Homer: Oh, so Mr. Burns is behind all this. Evil spying is so like him, that wrinkled old monkey skeleton!

(He heads inside, & talks to Mr. Burns)

Mr. Burns: Simpson, what are you doing here?

Homer: C. Montgomery Burns, I know you're guilty! ACCUSED! ... Sir?

Mr. Burns: Fine I admit it, I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. Aunt Hussy was getting to big for her jodhpurs.

Homer: No, you're spying on Springfield with your black vans and surveillance cameras.

Mr. Burns: Black vans, hmm... aren't they connected to some Pizzaiola concern?

Homer: What!? They were only pizza vans?! I'm a class five idiot!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the hounds... and if this oaf is an employee of the plant, fire him at once.

(Smithers released the hounds, as the hounds chase after Homer through Springfield, the scene fades to black)

Text: October 26

Bart: I gotta get the new Bonestorm or I'll be as uncool as Milhouse.

Milhouse: I'm standing right here, Bart.

Bart: Hey, that's great!

Milhouse: You better get out of here, Bart, Principal Skinner is looking for everyone who skipped school today. And when you're caught, it's expulsion, Bart, expulsion!

(Suddenly, Bart sees Skinner's car)

Bart: Uh, Oh!

(He runs to his Honor Roller, & drives off, then Skinner is in pursuit against him)

Seymour Skinner: I'll get you Bart, just like I got Charlie in 'Nam.

Bart: 'Fraid not.

Seymour Skinner: 'Fraid so.

Bart: 'Fraid not.

Seymour Skinner: 'Fraid SO! Oh, damn your lightning fast wit!

(Bart finally loses Skinner)

Bart: Smell ya later, stinkigator!

(Bart heads to Try-N-Save, where he finds Jimbo near the store, holding a copy of Bonestorm 2)

Jimbo: Too late, losers, I got the last game! Four finger discount! (laughs) The other people have got here before you!

Bart: Oh, man. Where am I going to get a copy of Bonestorm 2? Maybe the Comic Book Guy knows where I can get it.

(He drives to The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop, & heads on in.)

Bart: Hey, Jabba the Fat, you know where I can get a copy of Bonestorm II?

Comic Book Guy: Yes, I have no time to converse with you, I must be the first to register my disgust on the internet regarding the new McBain film. The action was dismal and the nudity was frustratingly fleeting. We better get going.

Bart: Quick! To the Fat-Mobile! (laughs)

(Comic Book Guy and Bart arrive at the Java Server)

Comic Book Guy: We've made it just in time. & I'm happy to report that your quest for Bonestorm II is quite futile. Professor Frink posted a message on my news group, alt.furryanimals.fanfiction.net, that he has bought up all of the remaining videogames at the Springfield Stadium.

Bart: (groans)

Comic Book Guy: I thank you not to moan in my mid-sized vehicle.

(Bart arrive at the Springfield Stadium, where we see Professor Frink.)

Bart: I gotta play Bonestorm II, gimme one!!

Professor Frink: No can do, my pointy headed friend! I need the power of video game violence to run my latest invention/monster. If you find me a World War II communication radio and a satellite, then my creation will live, and we can play with it and enjoy the frolicking.

Bart: Ohh, cool, real violence is way better than TV violence! It's like a level boss come to life. Now who would have a World War II radio? That guy that sells all those grenades to Nelson might-I better check.

(He drives to Herman's armory and sees Chief Wiggum at the entrance.)

Bart: Hey, Springfield's lamest, what's the deal?

Chief Wiggum: Didn't you hear? Herman's been robbed! Hey, you know who did it, do ya? 'Cause if you did, boy, that would be great!

Bart: Oh no, now where am I gonna get a radio?

Chief Wiggum: These fresh skid marks leading away from the scene of the crime could be a clue. But who's to say, really?

(Bart goes to the intersection and finds Snake nearby.)

Bart: Hey Snake, what's up?

Snake Jailbird: Um, do I know you, little dude?

Bart: I need that radio you "borrowed".

Snake Jailbird: No way, little dude! This radio is going to help me score beaucoup d'chicks!

Bart: Uh, last time I checked, chicks like fast cars, not vintage electronics. Why don't we race for the radio?

Snake Jailbird: Oh, I totally agree to your proposal!

Text: October 27

(The scene starts with Lisa Simpson searching for her brother, Bart, she enters The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop to see if the Comic Book Guy have seen him.)

Lisa: I need to find my stupid brother, have you seen him?

Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes, can't talk now, I must get the last copy of the new Itchy & Scratchy Adventures comic. It's the controversial issue in which they finally kiss! Assist me and I will aid you with your dilemma.

(They drive to the Itchy & Scratchy Comic Store and gets the Itchy & Scratchy Adventures comic book)

Lisa: Now can you tell me if you've seen my pointy-headed nuisance?

Comic Book Guy: Silence! I must get this comic into a mylar bag, before it deteriorates into near-mint condition, heaven forbid it.

(They drive back to The Android's Dungeon.)

Comic Book Guy: Now to get this inky treasure into its mylar sanctuary.

Lisa: What about Bart? I asked you, have you seen him?

Comic Book Guy: I think I saw him at the Noiseland Arcade. Ugh, video games, what a waste of money. Now to go online and bid $1000 for Itchy & Scratchy corn-cob holders. Terrific, terrific expense.

Text: October 28

Bart: (some indistinct dialogue)

Marge: Hmmmph, oh Bart, what's causing your ooga-booga talk? My special little guy's noodle has turned to google. The whole town's gone nuts! Security cameras, mysterious vans, crop circles? There's got to be a connection. Maybe the police know something.

Text: October 29

Text: October 30

Text: October 31