Mid-Fight Masses/Transcript

Pre-Parish
(Keith and Cherry are at a restaurant, eating some pizza)

Keith: Man, there’s nothing like a good ol' slice of pizza at Rick E. Ricotta’s.

Cherry: Mmm...Yeah! The gourmet dishes and fancy wine at home are nice and all, but sometimes you just wanna eat some good junk food and wash it down with soda.

(Keith holds up a huge bottle of soda)

Keith: Want a sip of mine? There might be a little left.

Cherry: Wait...You drank almost all of that thing already?

Keith: You know how thirsty I get when I’m around you.

Cherry: No, seriously, isn’t that like a gallon?

(Keith then realizes that this was a big mistake and now his bladder is full from drinking so much soda)

Keith: Uh...oops.

(Keith gets up from his seat to find the bathroom)

Keith: Augh...I drank too much soda again and ruined the moment. I knew I should’ve gotten the Kawaii Sprite instead of the Dr. Fizz. Now my tank is so full I need to use the restroom.

(Keith walks over to an unsuspecting Daddy Dearest and taps him on the shoulder)

Keith: Hey, mister...Where’s the bathroom in this joint?

Dad: You’re in line for it.

Keith: Wha-?! Daddy Dearest?! What the heck are you doing here?

Dad: Please don’t tell my wife I eat here.

Skid: What’s taking that guy in the stall so long? We’ve been waiting forever!

Pump: There’s nothing spookier than single-serve restrooms…

Pico: I am this close to shooting the lock!

Keith: Look, I know you guys have been waiting, but I just drank a gallon of Dr. Fizz.

Dad, Skid, Pump, and Pico: So did we!

Dad: Hold on, I’ve got an idea. What if we have a sing-off to decide who gets to go first?

(Unfortunately, none of them are ready for the events that are about to unfold, as the animatronic stage show is about to begin)

Announcer: And now, the act you’ve all been waiting for...Rick E. and the Pizza Pack!

(The curtains go up to reveal three animatronics on the stage. The one in the center looks a little like Ritz the Rat, and the other two somewhat resemble the Lemon Monster and Tankman)

Rick E.: Heyo hiyo, kids! It’s your old pal, Rick E. Ricotta, the rat that raps! Are you ready to jam?

Tankeroni: Not until I’ve had my slice!

(The Tankeroni animatronic tries to eat a pizza slice, but it misses his mouth)

Limeon: And don’t forget to put a slice of me in your drink!

(Limeon tries to squeeze his face to get lime juice out of him, but only crushes his face in the process)

Rick E.: Tankeroni! Limeon! Stop goofin’ around! We’ve got a half-hour set to perform!

Keith: Ugh. That rat is the worst. He can’t rap like I can.

Dad: I, uh...Guess the sing-off will have to wait until they finish that set...

Keith: Nope!

(Keith grabs Cherry and rushes out of the restaurant)

Keith: C’mon, Cherry, there’s gotta be somewhere in this town with an open stall.

(Keith and Cherry go from restaurant to restaurant, asking the managers if they can use the bathrooms, but they’re either closed for repairs, closed for upgrades, only allow employees to use the bathroom, don’t have any bathrooms, or just say no)

Keith: Dang, none of these restaurants will let us use their bathrooms. Where else can I go?

Cherry: Hmm...What about there?

(Cherry points toward a church. In front of the church is a sign that says “Come join us today and we’ll free you from your demons! We also have free ice cream and free, clean restrooms”.)

Keith: A church with a bathroom? Heh, this might be the place to take a holy crap. Literally. (chuckles)

(Suddenly, he realizes something)

Keith: Wait a second...Was this the church I was looking for a while ago?

Cherry: C’mon, Keith, what are you waiting for? Let’s go in!

Keith: Eheh...Eh, I’m right behind you…

(Keith and Cherry enter the church, hoping that the people who own the place will let Keith use their bathroom. We then see Sarvente, a nun who works in the church, talking on the phone to someone)

Sarvente: Come on! It’s gonna be a big night!

(We hear a voice on the other end. It sounds rather deep, but calm and quiet, with a Russian accent)

Voice on phone: I do not see ze cause for such a celebration.

Sarvente: This is the night I save my thousandth soul and complete the church’s choir! This time I really want you coming! I would love for you to be there for it, especially since you tracked him down for me. I know our differences are a huge gap, but I really want to spend time with you today! So you should really get here!

Voice on phone: ...No promises.

Sarvente: You know the choir won’t sound right without your bass.

Voice on phone: You could say zat vithout me, you’d be in big treble.

Sarvente: Excuse me, mister, don’t you get salty with me! That was very unholy of you.

Voice on phone: Ah, but an unholy man cannot go to church, da?

(Beat)

Sarvente: (sighs) You know what? Just get here, okay? At least try to make it.

(Suddenly, she hears the door open)

Sarvente: Oh! It looks like we have some guests over. I’ll see you soon!

(Sarvente hangs up her phone and turns her attention to Keith and Cherry, who have just walked in)

Sarvente: Greetings! Sorry for the inconvenience. My name is Sister Sarvente, and welcome to my church! Are you interested in joining?

Keith: (frantically) Nope. Just need the restroom.

Sarvente: Aw, but you seem really good for this place. I'm sure of it!

Keith: Eh…

Cherry: We just came here because the sign outside said that you had free restrooms.

Sarvente: Why, yes, we do, but there's no way the will of God would lead you all the way here just for that.

Keith: Look, lady, you seem nice, but I’m not really the Sunday school type. Or the...any school type.

Sarvente: Oh, you poor, misguided soul. You’ve gotten here just in time! Allow me to lead a little psalm to show you why it’s really good to join.

Keith: You mean, you wanna sing? All right, but this better be quick.

(With that, the first song begins)

Parish
Sarvente: Precious little one, It’s your lucky break! All your worries are in the past!

Keith: I get you’re a nun But for heaven’s sake Drop it, need your bathroom, fast!

Sarvente: You’ve been through so much! Peril, demons, pain! This life’s easy and quite simple!

Keith: Weird you knew so much But let me refrain I just wanna go tinkle!

Sarvente: There’ll be time for your little bathroom trip Once you join us and convert! Have a splash of holy water!

Keith: Gonna pass If I have another sip, think my bladder’s gonna burst! Sittin’ on the border!

Sarvente: You don’t drink it, courses through ya! Just a little dab'll do ya! Take the vow, you’ll understand And be reborn a pious man! So use that voice to sweetly croon A bucketful of hymnal tunes And fill the last spot on my choir Help the message spread, inspire!

Keith: Sounds like pretty awful luck To join a choir and get stuck Just filling out a bigger sound Without the fame or cash abound I’ll need to treat my girlfriend right And get through all my rapping fights So sorry, lady, it’s a no Now where’s the stall? I gotta go!

Sarvente: Don’t let greed and lust Overtake your mind! Look in your heart and do what’s right!

Keith: Girl, this song’s a bust! Even if you’re kind I can’t throw away this fight!

Sarvente: I can’t change your act I won’t bend your will But remember, God’s watching you!

Keith: I would make comebacks, but my bladder’s filled Where’s that bathroom? I can’t go in the pews!

(The song ends, and Sarvente becomes annoyed that Keith is rejecting her offer to join her church)

Sarvente: Urghh...I don’t think you understand what you’re rejecting here, little one. Anyone who finds this church needs to be saved. You’re in great danger if you don’t join!

Keith: I’m in greater danger if you don’t point the way towards the bathroom.

Cherry: (sighs) This is going nowhere fast. C’mon, Keith, why don’t we find another stall?

Keith: If I move more than a couple of steps, I...won’t need it anymore...This is still our best bet...Even if it’s a bad one…

Sarvente: I see how it is...It’s always kids like you who assume you can enter this sacred place freely, just to make fun of it. This time, I’ll give you another chance to take my offer. I’d really love for you to join us. Perhaps this next psalm will show you the full extent of God’s love. And if you waste this one talking about bathrooms, I’ll show you God’s wrath.

Keith: Fine, but I really need to go.

(With that, the next song begins)

Worship
Sarvente: You should know by now, outside of this chapel Lies a world of sin and taboo!

Keith: Trust me, I’m aware there’s a few bad apples But there’s lots of good too!

Sarvente: But the rot will spread, and you won’t escape it If you leave here unconverted!

Keith: Got the rapping skills that I need to make it In one piece, don’t be alerted!

Sarvente: Think of how your vocals fell flat When a giant lemon monster Tried to rend your flesh and eat it

Keith: Whoa, now, how’d you know about that? Guess we needed that big scary eyeball monster to defeat it...

Sarvente: Or when you were both surrounded By a company of tankmen in the desert, trembling in fear

Keith: Okay, guess your fears are founded But I have one little question, how’d you see that here?

Sarvente: I am but God’s all-seeing servant!

Keith: Kinda creepy you’re so observant...

Sarvente: You could say that, but know this well My goal is noble

Keith: Noble...

Sarvente: Simple.

Keith: Simple...

Sarvente: Save your butt from...

Both: Hell forever!/Hell forever?

Keith: Sure, I’m not perfect, but I’m no monster...

Sarvente: Play it safe, let me be your sponsor...

Keith: Can’t give up all of my music goals And let some pushy...

Sarvente: Pushy?

Keith: Creepy...

Sarvente: Creepy?

Keith: Nun control my…

Both: Life’s endeavors!

Sarvente: Have a simple point: Worship God and you’ll join him in heaven, ever-happy!

Keith: Can’t just live to die! I don’t play by God’s whims! That life sounds real crappy!

Sarvente: You won’t live at all without God’s protection Battling the hordes like you’ve been!

Keith: Seems you’re scared to lose, drop the interjections Ain’t no fight this rapper can’t win!

Sarvente: Take a look into your future! Killer clowns with horrid sounds And fiends who want your soul attacking!

Keith: Sure, I might end up in sutures But I’ll fight on, Sing so hard they lose their instrumental backing!

Sarvente: But they won’t just stop with singing! Ne’er do wells have secret spells To turn your very words against you!

Keith: If they want a fight, then bring it! I got more than vocal cords To beat ‘em and pull through!

Sarvente: You have no reason to suffer! God can vanquish all your troubles All you gotta do is let him!

Keith: Don’t need no religious buffer! Got my girlfriend, got my mic Got everything I need, forget him!

Sarvente: You would knowingly face danger All alone when you don’t have to Just because you don’t want guidance?

Keith: Pretty used to rappin’ strangers Coming at me, keeps life spicy Give freedom a chance!

(As the song ends, Sarvente becomes even more agitated that Keith still refuses her offer to join her church)

Sarvente: Argh...Stupid...free-spirited...kid…

(Suddenly, the door slams open, and a tall, pale white-skinned man wearing a gray hat and a black eyepatch enters. This man is Ruv, whom Sarvente was talking to on the phone earlier.)

Ruv: Vhat's going on?

Sarvente: Oh...hey...you finally came by...

Ruv: Da.

Sarvente: I’m sorry for the trouble, Ruv...But it looks like you have to see me like this…

Ruv: Let me guess. A lost soul has desecrated ze chapel and exhausted you again?

Sarvente: (sighs) How’d you know…?

Ruv: Just a lucky guess.

Sarvente: Listen. We can’t let this one get away. His very words are drenched in sin. But he’s such a wonderful singer, though! If we include him in the choir, we’re bound to save way more souls!

Ruv: You know vhat I’ve told you, Sarv. Vhen stakes are high, I’m your guy. Let me handle zis situation.

Sarvente: Okay! I’m counting on you!

(Ruv turns his attention to Keith so Sarvente can take a little break)

Keith: Spot any toilets in here yet, Cherry?

Cherry: Nope…

Ruv: Hey. You, vith ze blue hair.

Keith: Huh? Who, me?

Ruv: You’ve pushed quite a lot of buttons vhile I was avay, huh?

Keith: Dude, I just really want to go to the bathroom.

Ruv: Vell, you really should've just ran avay or joined ze church vhile you could. But you decided to pull a struggle instead. So here ve are.

Keith: Who even are you?

Ruv: Name’s Ruv. But zat is ze last name you vill probably be hearing if you do not change your tune very quickly.

Keith: Can this...maybe wait until after I go?

Ruv: Normally, I vould be too tired to do zis kind of stuff, but...I have to do what I'm meant to do. I'd say break a leg, but I might end up breaking yours literally.

Keith: Ohoho, finally, a burn! Missed those things! Well...BEEP BOP BEEP BAP!

Ruv: Can you translate zat one for me?

Keith: Oh yeah, sure. Your hat looks like a depressed rabbit sitting on your head.

Ruv: Okay, now I vill have to break both of your legs, and I’m going to make zis as painful as possible for you.

Keith: Really? Well, bring it on, chump! Let’s see what you’ve got!

(With that, the third song begins. Even though Ruv’s speaking voice is calm and quiet, his singing voice is so loud, booming, and powerful that it shakes the whole church and knocks several of its pillars over. Whenever it’s Ruv’s turn to sing, Cherry covers her ears and cowers in fright)

Zavodila
Ruv: SMALL MAN WITH A SMALL VOICE FIGHTING RUV’S A POOR CHOICE

Keith: Whoa! Everything’s shakin’! Windows and doors quakin’!

Ruv: VALLS CRACK FROM VOICE EFFECTS JOIN QUICKLY, OR YOU’RE NEXT.

Keith: Shatter this place all night Won’t join without a fight!

Ruv: ZAT IS NOT AN ISSUE, FOR SARVENTE, I VOULD MASSACRE YOUR FATE VAS SEALED IN STONE ZE INSTANT YOU MADE A HUGE ASS OF HER I’LL TIE YOUR ARMS LIKE PRETZELS AND LOCK YOU IN ZE CONFESSION ROOM AND CHECK TO SEE IF YOU’RE A PIOUS CHOIR BOY NEXT JUNE!

Keith: Gotta catch me if you’re gonna live up to those empty threats! My skin is slicker than my rhymes, ain’t no one out there grabbed me yet! I’ll rap around your head so quick, you’ll get confused and have no clue I locked you in the room myself ‘til you confess my rapping beat you!

Ruv: SMALL ONE, YOU CANNOT RUN IF I VANT TO, I VILL TAKE YOU IN CUSTODY OF ZE CHURCH IF YOU DON’T LEAD AN HONEST LIFE, I VILL BREAK YOU!

Keith: Face it, if you don’t quit You won’t have a church to live in! How are you gonna save anyone When there’s nowhere their sins are forgiven?

Ruv: FAIR POINT, VE NEED ZIS JOINT GOOD THING I CONTROL MY VOCALS VITH SMALL CHANGE, I'LL SHATTER LUNGS INSTEAD YOU’LL BE A VARNING TO NO-GOOD LOCALS!

Keith: Hold on, that’s way far-gone! I need my lungs to inspire! Plus, it seems you’d crush Sarvente’s dreams If I could never sing in her choir!

Ruv: FINE, I’LL REVAMP ZAT GOAL SO SARV CAN SAVE YOUR SOUL

Keith: I’m caring, strong, and brave What could you need to save?

Ruv: I GAVE A NOTE LAST VEEK SO, YOUNG MAN, YOU TELL ME

Keith: Wait, don’t tell me it’s true... I got that note from you?!

Ruv: “HELP! I’M TORTURED BY A DEMON!” “MY GIRL’S FATHER IS A NIGHTMARE!”

Keith: Hey, don’t act like I was screamin’! Didn’t actually wanna come here!

Ruv: OH, YOU’RE TURNING PINK AS SALMON VHERE’D ZAT STRONG AND BRAVE MAN GO TO?

Keith: Maybe you should reexamine What strength means from what I’ve lived through!

Ruv: TELL ME, VHAT VOULD YOUR GIRL SAY IF I TOLD HER YOUR FULL CONFESSION?

Keith: Do you think you’re gonna sway me to your side with blackmail questions?

Ruv: I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND ZE LENGTHS I’D GO TO MAKE SARV HAPPY...

Keith: Thought you were God’s servant, man! All of that Sarv talk sounds real sappy...

Ruv: NO, IT’S NOTHING LIKE ZAT! JUST A LIFELONG TIE… I PROTECT HER, SHE LOOKS AFTER ME IF VE KEEP DOING ZAT, VE’LL NEVER DIE!

Keith: Oh, is that really all? Then I’m sure she’d love to find That God and souls are just a job to you And she holds the number-one spot in your mind

Ruv: I CAN’T DISTRACT HER FROM HER LIFE’S WORK SO DON’T YOU SQUEAL! I KNOW YOU HAVE DARK SECRETS OF YOUR OWN SO SHUT UP QUICKLY AND MY LIPS ARE SEALED!

Keith: Sounds like a deal to me Let me add one quid pro quo Just point me to the bathroom in this place I’ll get out of your hair, and she’ll never know!

(As the song finishes, Ruv gives in and decides to give Keith directions to the bathroom while Cherry rubs her ears to stop them from ringing)

Ruv: ...Okay, so you’ll vant to turn left, and…

(Just then, Sarvente comes back, looking a little better)

Sarvente: Ruv! Did you convert our lost soul?

Ruv: No. I am sorry, Sarv.

Sarvente: It’s fine. It is, really…

Keith: You don’t...sound fine.

Sarvente: (getting even more agitated) Of course I don’t. Your soul is damned. The choir won’t ever be completed. And you desecrated my church when all I ever wanted to do was get you into heaven so you could have HAPPINESS AND PEACE FOREVER. DON’T YOU WANT THAT? DOESN’T ANYONE?! I’LL KILL TO BE YOU RIGHT NOW!

Keith: ...Okay, this is getting a little too “Final Phase”-y for my tastes…So I’m just gonna go to that bathroom so Cherry and I can get on with our date already.

Cherry: Yeah, let’s get out of here, Keith. This place doesn’t sit right with me.

Sarvente: (chuckles a little, which then turns into a sort of crazy-sounding laugh) Ahahah...AHAHAHAHA! OF COURSE! HOW DID I NOT REALIZE IT SOONER?! Ruv told me you wanted to banish Daddy Dearest from your life, didn’t you?

Cherry: (shocked) You wanted to what?!

Keith: (nervous) Uh...yeah, about that…

Sarvente: But he isn’t the only demon turning you to sin. Isn’t that right, Miss Cherina?

Cherry: Oh no.

(Suddenly, Sarvente's eyes begin to glow a hot pink color)

Sarvente: After all, it takes one to know one. So, I want to let out a little secret of mine. Let's keep this between the four of us, okay?

Keith: Huh?

Cherry: W-what?

Sarvente: Even though God may forgive you...

(Suddenly, Sarvente transforms right in front of Keith, Cherry, and Ruv. As it turns out, she was just pretending to be a nun. She’s actually a demon in disguise)

Sarvente: I certainly won’t.

Keith: (gasps) Y-YOU’RE A DEMON?!

Sarvente: Yes. I am the Queen of Demons.

Keith: But...why would you want to get people into heaven?

Sarvente: In truth, we demons are seen as disgusting, vile creatures with no hope for redemption. But you are God’s children! His lost little lambs! That’s why I decided to dedicate my life to reforming as many of you as I can. So you can meet him in his kingdom.

Keith: That’s great, but...as long as Cherry likes me, I’m happy with who I am right now.

Sarvente: Of course you are. She’s got you under her spell.

Keith: I mean, metaphorically, right?

Sarvente: I get tough cases like yours every now and then. Engaging in unholy and sinful acts with a demon will slowly corrupt any human...And if she decides to keep your soul for herself, heaven forbid...You’ll be forbidden from heaven entirely.

Keith: She’d never do that...We love each other…

Sarvente: It’s just like I thought. Nothing I tell you is going to tear you two apart. God can’t save you. But maybe I can.

Cherry: Don’t worry, Keith, I’m calling my parents…

Sarvente: Oh, no you don’t, you little leech! You sit on that stereo and nod your head to the music or you won’t have a head left to nod.

Cherry: (shudders) Y-yes, ma’am...

Keith: HEY! NOBODY THREATENS HER!

Sarvente: You poor little lamb. Too stupid and spellbound to understand just how much that soul of yours is worth. I suppose I’ll have to hold onto it for you until you do.

Keith: Whaaat?!

Sarvente: Now, I do need you to offer it up willingly, so how about a little wager? Beat me one last time, and I’ll let you and that demon girlfriend of yours leave unscathed. But if you lose, well...you’ll be heaven-bound in no time at all.

Keith: Don’t have much of a choice, do I? I mean, my life isn’t really worth living without Cherry in it...So if this is what it takes to keep her safe...I might not be a demon, but I’M GONNA GIVE YOU HELL, YOUR MAJESTY!

(With that, the final song begins)

Sarvente: Oh, by the way, no human’s ever been able to keep up with this one for more than a couple of seconds, so I’ve already won.

Keith: Is that so? Hahah...You might be fast...But I’ve mastered an almost unbeatable technique! So, bring it on!

(And so, they begin to sing)

Gospel
Sarvente: God in heaven, please forgive me For what this boy’s made me do I promise I’ll extract his soul And quickly give it back to you! So look away, avert your gaze Lest you behold a gruesome fate As your eternal servant Wipes the floor with this unholy ingrate!

Keith: Don’tcha think that maybe If you fear that God might disapprove Of what you plan to do to me You oughta make a different move? My girlfriend might be devilishly cute But I know she ain’t schemin’ C’mon, give me all you got You’re up against a real speed demon!

Sarvente: If you want to fight and struggle for your freedom Be my guest I’ll bind your mind like Isaac’s body Knowing that it’s for the best! Your soul is twisted, broken, tainted Dominated, weak, dependent You can’t fix it, hand it to your savior Let Sarvente mend it!

Keith: Givin’ up my soul to someone like you isn’t that appealing Didn’t let me use the bathroom Called me dumb, dismissed my feelings! Speak like you’re a flawless saint But all your words are cruel and hollow! If you wanna be a savior Be a nun folks want to follow!

Sarvente: Don’t you know I’ve saved hundreds before?

Keith: Are they even alive anymore?

Sarvente: Most are in heaven They lead devout lives thanks to me! Ask God yourself when you get up there And you’ll quickly see!

Keith: I’m in no rush to give up the ghost and pass away… Got a lifetime left to pass the gates On my judgment day!

Sarvente: Living as you are right now will surely lead you into sinning You’ll be worse off than you would be If you died at your beginning!

Keith: Wait a second, are you saying I’m more sinful than a baby? Those things don’t have morals yet at all So reconsider, maybe?

Sarvente: All you’ve done since you arrived Is whine about your precious toilet Sounds real immature to me You could have joined and went, you spoiled it!

Keith: I still gotta tinkle, though…

Sarvente: This ain’t the time and place, you know!

Keith: You see, this is the reason I won’t let my soul go!

Sarvente: You keep rejecting your life’s goal in the long run!

Keith: You keep projecting your own dreams on everyone!

Sarvente: It’s the right dream! All you stupid humans Think eternity is far away Til it’s right there in your face!

Keith: Get you want me born again into a new man But you suck today Even if your heart’s in the right place

Sarvente: Why won’t you budge? Take the love I can never feel!

Keith: Is heaven holding a grudge with you, what’s the deal?

Sarvente: Just a little violence, didn’t hurt them too much Won’t hurt you a bit if you give me that soul of yours now!

Keith: I’m afraid to say you might be losing your touch You keep laying waste to all your holy duties and vows!

Sarvente: I’ve been saving souls for eons Pardon me if I get rude When shrimpy little sacrilegious punks like you have attitudes! So screw the vows, forget the rules The only thing that works is fear! What will it take to make you break? Let’s find the answer, right now, right here!

Keith: Nothin’ left to scare me My life’s chock full of disasters Every time I think it’s over I live through it and rap even faster! Made me tough and built me up I’m not a wimp, I’m a survivor And I’m a huge hit online with tons of patrons and subscribers!

Sarvente: No one wants to listen to the word of God these days They’d rather pledge their lives in service of the followings that they can gather! Bet you’d change your tune real quick if you saw your eternal fate So I’ll give you a little sample Open the infernal gate!

Keith: Slow down, lady! Doesn’t seem appropriate to put me through hell Just ‘cause I’m not that religious That’s not gonna work out too well! You’ll just leak some fire and a couple brimstones in the parish Burn the floors and melt the walls This place will look defaced and garish!

Sarvente: It’s too late, behold eternal torture! Look upon your future and despair, young boyfriend! Scream in a bed of thorns while demons poke at you And you wish you weren’t living! Endless pain, no reprieve And no way to get out, can’t leave Would you take this end or do you have some sins that need forgiving? It’s not too late, change your fate with me And this glimpse will be all you ever see!

Keith: Is that all? Some demons and some fire? Poking me and tying me to painful bedding? Hah! That was Tuesday last week when the Dearests tested my reflexes and my cunning! Things were tense, made no sense But I dodged with all of my strength With assistance from my girlfriend Made it out alive, looked stunning! Give it up, there’s nothing too hard For me to overcome when Cherry’s my guard!

Sarvente: I don’t get it, that was hell. I showed you hell and you’re still fearless! Nobody that’s gone this far has ever held up, God, you’re peerless... Won’t do any more than that to take your soul Congrats, you win it Could just cheat and warp your mind But even demons have their limits...

Keith: (I told ya!) Nothing’s gonna get to me if I’ve got Cherry by my side I know that things’ll work out fine With her love when I’m terrified! The love you feel for God’s immense I can’t deny that, sure you mean well But you won’t win much of his If you keep making portals to hell!

Sarvente: Your enthusiasm’s awful God, I hate it, what a fool You think I’ll ever win his love When he makes all of heaven’s rules? You’re free, now go, just leave my church I’ll take a week to rest and cry Then dust myself off, fake a smile Give this thing another try.

Keith: (Sarvente…)

Both: In the end, it doesn’t matter what I/you do, I’m/you’re in a loop Of greeting, begging, pushing, forcing people to join in my/your troupe So you can leave, go live your life/So I’ll just leave and live my life Your girlfriend is a lucky one/I really am a lucky one To have someone that cares for her/me Despite the awful things she’s probably done.../Despite the stupid things I’ve always done...

(The song ends, and Sarvente runs out of energy, reverting back to her nun form as she falls to the floor and bursts into tears. Ruv sees Sarvente crying and comes over to comfort her)

Ruv: Zere, zere. You vill have a chance to convert ze next one.

Keith: I dunno, Sarv. You kinda come on too strong to convert people. Maybe it’s just not for you?

Sarvente: You still don’t get it, do you? I’ve spent almost my entire existence trying to save you humans and so many of you turn it down like it’s nothing! Because I come on too strong. Or I get antsy. Or I’m not believable enough. You don’t know how it feels...to walk up to those pearly gates and be told “no”. Over and over and over again. For years. For decades. For centuries. To love God more than anyone else in the whole world...And not be loved back. I’d kill to be you. But I can’t be. Even if I’m the Queen of Demons, I can’t ever live down who I am. Doing this...is the closest I can get to being a good person.

Keith: So demons can’t really get into heaven at all, huh…

Sarvente: We can’t. We’ll never experience that eternal happiness. We’ll never feel God’s love.

Keith: Well, in that case...I don’t think I ever want to go there.

Sarvente: (shocked) What in the world are you saying?

Keith: I just can’t imagine feeling happy or loved without my girlfriend by my side...No matter how much of both there’s supposed to be up there.

(Then he turns and points to Ruv)

Keith: I bet Ruv here probably feels the same way about you, with that whole pact that lets him protect you forever.

Ruv: (shocked and embarrassed) Uhhh???

Sarvente: What?! Ruv made that pact so he could help me save souls...Right, Ruv?

Ruv: Um, maybe I...did not have ze soul-saving desire?

Sarvente: (surprised) Does that mean...You just wanted to stay with me forever???

Ruv: Da…

Keith: So maybe instead of spending so much time trying to redeem yourself in the eyes of a god who thinks you’re beyond redemption...You should spend time with the people who think you’re fine just the way you are, and...make your own eternal happiness?

Ruv: Perhaps it is vorth a shot?

Sarvente: (feeling better) I...I think I will. Thank you.

Ruv: Young man, you may be little, but you are strong. You vere strong enough to tell Sarvente vhat I have tried to for hundreds of years. But you also made her cry, so you must leave in ze next fifteen seconds, or I’ll turn you into okroshka.

Keith: Uh, I don’t know what that means, but…

(Keith grabs Cherry and rushes to the bathroom)

Keith: We’ll be going now. See ya!

Cherry: Yeah, bye!

(Keith and Cherry rush out before Ruv attacks them. Luckily, Keith managed to find the bathroom before they left the church. After Keith and Cherry leave, the blue-haired rapper feels much better)

Keith: Ahh...Good thing I found the bathroom on the way out, or I don’t think I would’ve been able to hold it in a second longer. Sorry about trying to banish your dad, by the way. I kinda...never intended to follow through on that and I only ever thought about it because he kept trying to steal my soul. I’d never even think of banishing you.

Cherry: (giggles) Of course you wouldn’t.

Keith: Man, that Sarvente sure made a lot of wild accusations, didn’t she? I mean, come on! You wouldn’t really try to take my soul all for yourself, right?

(Cherry feels a little uncomfortable about answering that question, so instead, she decides to distract Keith)

Keith: ...Right?

Cherry: Well, I don’t know, but I’m sure you would love to take this.

(She grabs Keith by the waist and kisses him on the cheek. Keith is so aroused that he faints in his girlfriend’s arms)

Keith: No thoughts, head empty…

(Meanwhile, in the Lemon Monster’s spooky house, The Eyes of the Universe is still chasing the Lemon Monster around, when suddenly Skid and Pump arrive)

Skid and Pump: Hey, Eyes! It’s the Spooky Month!

Eyes of the Universe: '''OH! SORRY! GOTTA GO NOW! IT’S THE SPOOKY MONTH!'''

(Skid and Pump hop onto The Eyes’ head and leave the spooky house)

Skid and Pump: See you later, Mr. Lemon!

Lemon Monster: Huh…? It’s the Spooky Month already? Well, then...I’d better start making my...holiday plans…

(The Lemon Monster starts cackling maniacally)

Lemon Monster: Muahahahahahahahahahahaha!

(The Lemon Monster puts on a Santa hat and continues to laugh evilly)

Lemon Monster: Ohohohohohohohohohohohoho....

(What kind of spooky plans does the Lemon Monster have for the holiday season? We might have to wait and see…)